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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2012
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    176

    Default Unhappy Men - Why Don't they DO SOMETHING????

    I can't tell you how many married men I know that say they are miserable in their marriages. Some have been work friends who shared an office or cubicle... some are long time friends whom I've know for years... some are family.

    I just can't believe how many times I've had the conversations about how they are unhappy and miserable... some of them had affairs because they slept on the couch so long they wanted someone or attention or something... Not an excuse here, just stating what I saw/know.

    None of them will buck up and put the big boy panties on and tell their wives they are unhappy. Some of the wives think things are fine... and the few that did finally divorce, the wives didn't realize it was that bad because they won't say anything!!!!

    Why??? I don't get it. One of my high school best buds just called me today... he's been sleeping on the couch for the last year and a half... they are miserable... but neither one do anything about it.

    I guess I just get tired of hearing the same old story yet none of them will do anything about it...how can they live like that??? vent over.


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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
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    6,918

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    Simple answer...because they know they'll get screwed in the courts.

    They'll lose the house, she'll claim "I'm afraid" and then he'll be kicked out and will still have to pay for the mortgage. They'll be paying for her life and will quickly find out their quality of life will fall through the floor.

    They can't afford to leave so they complain but it's all they can do with todays divorce judgements.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    Default

    Apart from that, it also comes down to pride. For a lot of people, being married REALLY IS all about them. I see many women who lay out a big fantasy of what their married life is going to be like complete with details about where they will go on vacations and how they will live their lives and there are a lot of men who focus on landing the most attractive spouse possible, be it through their money or other means. I don't see a whole lot of "Hey I really love you, so let's get married and spend our lives together!" anymore. For my generation, marriage is a lot like a brass ring or some stupid achievement to check off of a To-Do list along with having kids and going on a family cruise so they don't put much thought into it.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2008
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    2,824

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by altermetoday View Post
    None of them will buck up and put the big boy panties on
    Can't we agree that in this context, at the very least, the horrible phrase "put your big-girl panties on" is simply not transferable? Or perhaps, if literally true, a reason for the marital discord.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Packing my bags
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    Simple answer...because they know they'll get screwed in the courts.

    They'll lose the house, she'll claim "I'm afraid" and then he'll be kicked out and will still have to pay for the mortgage. They'll be paying for her life and will quickly find out their quality of life will fall through the floor.

    They can't afford to leave so they complain but it's all they can do with todays divorce judgements.
    ah, but on the other hand, the alure of a cooed meal and washed laundry can be pretty damn strong, too...

    not all women a hyenas...
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    Based on a very limited sample of my ex, they don't do anything because it's easier to complain to someone than it is to take responsibility for being happier in their marriage. They are not unhappy because their marriage sucks, their marriage sucks because they are unhappy. ANY marriage or relationship they are going to be in will ultimately be unhappy.

    btw - they are doing something about it - they are complaining to you and getting sympathy. That's all they need.


    33 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
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    5,333

    Default

    I think men, the good guys, put down their swords in deference to the wife. While I think there's a reason for wives to be crabby a lot, I think men figure if they bring as much fight as the women do then yep, they'll lose their homes and their kids will lose a family. The good guys I've seen in unhappy marriages are there for the kids and their pride-don't want to admit they are in a bad spot, don't want to divorce, don't want to lose, want to stick it out. And maybe the nicest guy in the world is still driving his wife bat-sh**. What's nice out in the world isn't always easy to be married to!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
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    15,345

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    Many women do the same thing.

    I'm astonished at all the wives venting here about unchangeable ADD husbands. Didn't they know about that long standing problem going in?

    I have a friend who stopped drinking (AA style) and now wants to leave her husband who doesn't like this new-fangled recovery stuff. Meh, the "just leave him/her already!" is harder than it looks. And it's expensive, too!
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    7 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2009
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    Area 51
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    From my observances of two couples who are similar to what you describe; so this opinion being based on "from the outside looking in", I believe it comes down to social stigma and a familiar/habitual co-dependency. The two men in both of these couples' relationships are unhappy, yet they choose to do nothing and also choose to be unhappy. In their opinions, everyone else should change, they aren't the ones who are wrong...
    I LOVE my Chickens!


    6 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul. 11, 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    ah, but on the other hand, the alure of a cooed meal and washed laundry can be pretty damn strong, too...not all women a hyenas...
    A cooked meal and clean laundry are easy to get elsewhere without sticking with a wife. Never said all women hyenas....but divorces sure seem to bring it out.

    I married someone who I knew it wouldn't work after 3 months, I tried like hell to make it work for 3 years...finally left and was screwed through the courts...got nothing in the agreement. It was worth it...Peacefulness, happiness, no nasty PMS attacks etc....

    If I hear a guy complaining about his wife, I tell him the same thing I tell the women on coth complaining about their husbands....LEAVE! Life's too short, quit whining and leave right now. I suggest taking a look at the typical coth posting of "he doesn't support me, he hates my horse etc. etc. etc." There's true whining but they can't afford to leave and support their lifestyle.

    Don't bitch, leave and be happy.
    "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"


    5 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trakehner View Post
    A cooked meal and clean laundry are easy to get elsewhere without sticking with a wife. Never said all women hyenas....but divorces sure seem to bring it out.
    Meh, divorce makes both genders do things you'd never think possible.

    And men are just as capable of fighting legally/financially as are women. Historically and statistically, however, women and children have faired worse in terms of wealth and financial security than have men leaving those marriages.

    Both sides need to know that marriage makes things like starting a family affordable... so it's really expensive to undo that mistake once you have the next generation on the ground. No one should be surprised.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    12 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2001
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    9,343

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    It is funny to compare your post with your signature line, Trakehner.

    Community property means what men often take for granted as being theirs exclusively, isn't really. When it's divided, it is a reality check, not being screwed.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    Default

    There are lots of reasons, and some are financial, religious, social, and just that it's easier to stay miserable than to go through a huge change. Lots of people are from families where' no one gets divorced', some religions if you get divorced for anything but a major public offense by the other person you are drummed out of the flock. In today's financial climate I know of several couples who are divorcing, but the big sticking point is who gets stuck with the hugely underwater house. Some stay because it's just easier to stay and be miserable, than to go through the cost and trauma of the divorce, and to admit you made a mistake is difficult for some people. Some are in such denial that they refuse to admit that their marriage is over. I'm sure a few want to divorce, then talk to the lawyer and realize how much it will cost and don't go forward.

    I've also known of one totally strange relationship where they have been married forever, have kids, and take turns cheating on each other, getting caught, getting back together, and repeat the whole cycle. Last I heard they were still at the same routine, and still together.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 1999
    Location
    CA
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    Default

    Or they could be lying to you about how bad it is to try to get in your pants.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2008
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    257

    Default

    You want them to "do something"? Isn't that why http://www.ashleymadison.com/ was created? Careful what you wish for...


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    12,658

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by vacation1 View Post
    Can't we agree that in this context, at the very least, the horrible phrase "put your big-girl panties on" is simply not transferable? Or perhaps, if literally true, a reason for the marital discord.
    LOL



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
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    488

    Default

    From what I have noticed about men, from being one of the guys and hanging out with them, working with them etc. is that they just dont like to talk about the problem. They avoid it at all costs. They sweep it under the rug, and deny even to themselves that there is any problem at all. Its way easier to crab about it behind the wifes back, then to sit down, talk, come up with a plan, then act. They are just not big on deep meaningful verbal communication.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Jan. 14, 2006
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    Nashville, TN
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    Default

    My dad finally stepped up to say he was miserable in his marriage and spent three years duking it out in court, divorce finalized last August and it sounds as though they're headed back again.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jul. 14, 2003
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    MA
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    6,260

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BLBGP View Post
    Or they could be lying to you about how bad it is to try to get in your pants.
    I wish that I could "thumbs up" this twice. I mean really. Whining to a member of the opposite sex (who is not a family member) about your marriage is a common pick up tactic. I guess it helps them rationalize their infidelity, as well as working to get a woman to discuss inappropriate, intimate subjects with them. Yuck. Tell them that you are not a professional and that they should get some counseling.
    "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain" ~Friedrich Schiller


    7 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    I think it's human nature to think that thinks will get better, and denying how bad it is allows a person to ignore how bad it truly is, and if you admit how unhappy you are, then you should probably do something about the situation. Change is tough for a lot of people.

    BLGBP hit the nail on the head. Plea for sympathy, and a try to get into someone's pants. I think most of the 'sleeping with a married man, and he can't leave his marriage or can't get a divorce' thread on here start with the 'my life is so awful' routine.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    6 members found this post helpful.

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