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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2003
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    carolina
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    Default Roommates and Their Permanent "Guests"

    I moved in to a house in the beginning of December with a good friend and a random roommate that we found on Craigslist. Everyone got along pretty well - the friend and I are very close, the random roomie is nice enough, but we're not all best friends or anything. Personality wise she's different than us, but we're all friendly and honestly I wouldn't want to live with a group of best friends anyway.

    When we moved in, random roomie had help from a guy she introduced as her ex. After a few days it became apparent he was more than ex, but nbd at first. He stayed a few days and went home and came back after 2 weeks or so - rinse, wash, repeat. In January, random roomie and so-called-ex had a big falling out because he was cheating on her and she told him to never talk to her again, etc. THEN he sent a message to me and my other roommate basically saying he wanted to try and win back random roomie and to do so he wanted to move in to the fourth bedroom of our house . He lives a few hours away with his parents, gets unemployment, and said he wanted to start looking for a job up here so he needed to be in the area. Well the answer to that, from me and the one roommate, is a big NO. Not the way to work it out. Our lease is up at the end of May so if they want to move in together then, than that is fine. But we're not one big happy family.

    Well they did end up back together at the beginning of February or so and since then he's been here and not left. He doesn't have a job, so he's literally here all. day. long. He's loud, he's obnoxious, he runs the dishwasher with 5 dishes in it (literally), has lights and tv on all day (using our electricity). He's here when I leave work, when I come home on my lunch break in his underwear on the couch, here when I get off and here all night until his GF gets off which is not for several hours after I do. It's getting to the point where I'm about to blow up at him and tell him to get the hello out of the house, but I don't want to cause a huge dramatic thing in the house. My other roommate who is not dating him agrees that he has to go. He and GF have never mentioned to us the fact that he's been here for weeks with no sign of leaving and I've heard them talking on the phone to his parents saying that he's living here. He and GF have never mentioned contributing to the rent, electricity, internet, or any other bill.

    The only thing keeping me from saying something is the fact that I do have a BF who is here most nights with me, he lives in the area about 40 min away with two roomies of his own and he goes to work during the day and returns well after I do at night. He's never here when I'm not, because he doesn't live here. Nor does the other guy. Now if she wants to have him over every night, then that's fine. But in my opinion he shouldn't be here 24/7 - especially when she's gone.

    Any opinions on what I should do - suck it up and not say anything? Say something? If so - what? Do I have a leg to stand on considering my own guy is around quite a bit?
    "to live is the rarest thing in the world, most people merely exist."



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
    Location
    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
    Posts
    3,765

    Default

    I would start charging him rent and his part of the bills; power, water, etc.

    Sit down with random roomie, your friend roomie and the random roomie's BF and a calendar. Show when he 'moved in' and calucate his rent from then. She will bring up that your BF spends time there too, make sure you are prepared to answer her, (like what you stated above).

    Good Luck OP!

    The good news is, is that May is not that far away


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2001
    Posts
    9,263

    Default

    I am a landlord. Every lease I have ever issued says that guest who stay over a certain period of time must have permission from me in writing or the entire lease becomes invalid. I do this because in my area, guests who stay over a certain number of days can be considered de facto tenants with all the rights that entails. I don't want a landlord/tenant relationship with someone I know nothing about.

    Check your lease to see of there is some clause in it about guests. If there is and he is in violation of it, you can notify your landlord and let them handle it. But be aware the same rules may apply to your BF (who does live there, btw).

    Be careful. If you accept monetary contributions from him, it will help him to establish a right to be there as a tenant.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
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    3,724

    Default

    It's been a looooong time since I lived with roommates, but we used to agree on a rule right up front. Any SO who was sleeping over, on a very regular basis, more than two nights a week had to start paying a prorated portion of the utilities, consumables (tp, soap, etc..). It's really not fair for someone to be there every night, using electricity, taking showers, wiping their ass, etc...and not be contributing. One more person under foot is annoying too, unless you are the one sleeping with them .

    No one ever decided to have their SO more than two nights a week, every week, because the SO usually had their own apartment to pay for and/or no money and didn't want to chip in. I like my space, I never really wanted a boyfriend around all the time unless and until I was ready to move in with them. That's what I did when I had one I wanted to sleep with every night.

    I think you are in a tough place on this, since your own boyfriend is over most nights. Where will you draw the line on what is acceptable?

    Best thing to do might be for you to move with your boyfriend, random girl to move with her boyfriend.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2004
    Location
    Charleston, SC
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    1,275

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    Tell her that her boyfriend is welcome when she is in the house and when she is not he cannot be there.
    Fullcirclefarmsc.com


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2003
    Location
    carolina
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    1,323

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    It's been a looooong time since I lived with roommates, but we used to agree on a rule right up front. Any SO who was sleeping over, on a very regular basis, more than two nights a week had to start paying a prorated portion of the utilities, consumables (tp, soap, etc..). It's really not fair for someone to be there every night, using electricity, taking showers, wiping their ass, etc...and not be contributing. One more person under foot is annoying too, unless you are the one sleeping with them .

    No one ever decided to have their SO more than two nights a week, every week, because the SO usually had their own apartment to pay for and/or no money and didn't want to chip in. I like my space, I never really wanted a boyfriend around all the time unless and until I was ready to move in with them. That's what I did when I had one I wanted to sleep with every night.

    I think you are in a tough place on this, since your own boyfriend is over most nights. Where will you draw the line on what is acceptable?

    Best thing to do might be for you to move with your boyfriend, random girl to move with her boyfriend.
    I do agree with what you're saying, although where I draw the line for what is acceptable is pretty much that he can be over as much as she wants him to be: as a guest. As in, he has to go somewhere else when she leaves. There are Saturday nights when she's babysitting all night, but he is still here. He has a key and comes in and out as he pleases. The difference is that my BF leaves when I do, knocks to come in, has a house of his own that he showers in so he is not using extra water, is only using the same electricity as I do, uses my private bathroom in my bedroom and the TP that he and I pay for, etc. I do appreciate your comments because I can see where they are coming from and where she (roomie) would be coming from if she retaliates with such observations. But I don't think the two situations are 100% comparable.

    For what it's worth, the third party (single) roommate pretty much agrees with what I've said.

    Thanks everyone for the insight so far!
    "to live is the rarest thing in the world, most people merely exist."



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb. 19, 2009
    Posts
    4,720

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    I would definitely have a conversation with her. I don't think asking her to have the same arrangement that you and your BF have unless she/he wants to pay more for utilities/ret is unreasonable. And if she throws a hissy fit? Well...you guys only have to suck it for another couple months which does suck but at least the end is in sight.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 18, 2013
    Posts
    125

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    As another poster said, you should double check your lease in reference to guests. There's a clause in my lease that any guest staying in my apartment over 14 consecutive days is considered a tenant and has to be on the lease. Even though your boyfriend doesn't have a key and isn't there when you aren't, I don't think the situations are so different. A landlord might not think they're so different, either.

    Either way, I would be annoyed that your roommates boyfriend has moved himself in without them speaking to you and your other roommate about it. But if your boyfriend is there more often than he is at his own place, this is sort of a pot meet kettle situation.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2008
    Posts
    257

    Default

    I can understand why you're angry about the mooching BF. Clearly all of the roommates need to talk.

    But while you're anger over this is quite justifiable, you might consider what sort of precedent you're setting about overnight guests if you end up giving the mooching BF the old heave ho. After all, did you ask all of your roommates if it was ok for you to have your BF stay over on a regular basis?

    I'm sure if any of the roommates are angry about boyfriends, most if not all of their anger is directed towards the moocher. But there is a chance that some (or all) of them are angry that you too have a BF in the apartment on a very regular basis. If you are too severe about restricting the moocher's access to your apartment, you could very well be spending a lot of nights alone. Just something to consider.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,759

    Default

    Also, check your state's landlord/tenant laws. In this state, he is a defacto tenant and can only be removed by eviction at this point, as he as established residency at the house. It would be the same as if he were on the lease.

    Something to consider .
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2007
    Posts
    523

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by In the Air View Post
    Tell her that her boyfriend is welcome when she is in the house and when she is not he cannot be there.
    This! He should NOT have a key to your place, unless it was cleared by all three of you. He should not be left alone there. at. all.

    I would not take any money from him. I would not want him to be considered a tenant. I would not want to give him any claim to the place.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 14, 2006
    Location
    Nashville, TN
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    4,018

    Default

    Since you only have 3 months left on the lease, the easiest and least stressful thing might be to tell him that since he has a key and is spending the majority of his time at the apartment, he'll have to contribute to the utilities. I wouldn't fight over rent because I just don't have the energy. He's in her room, whatever. That might eek you out of having to pay for your boyfriend as well.

    Hopefully you guys can survive the next three months in semi-peace and be done with it in May.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    May. 30, 2006
    Posts
    611

    Default

    Not much advice, but mainly commiseration. I have a housemate. He does not have a job, even though he can pay bills. He is in the house all. the. time. All the time. His schedule is erratic, meaning he will regularly wake me up in the middle of the night quietly creeping around, because he has nowhere to be. Most days, he seems to wake up right about the time I am getting home. He is always around the house and I can't avoid him. He is driving me crazy. He is living in my house, not just a house that I rent. I have polled everyone I know and there seems to be a general consensus that he is not exhibiting positive housemate boundaries. Good housemates know how to *share* a house. I am lucky in that I have a month-to-month lease, but I tire of change. I have also had the come to jesus conversation. He was defensive and didn't get it. He will most likely need to find a new place to live.

    This is just to say that I don't think your expectations are out of line, but you need to be smart and clear about setting boundaries. Good luck!



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