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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
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    14,992

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    Quote Originally Posted by JanM View Post
    mvp-I wonder what would be the cost to the stepfather when mommy finds out there is a relationship? In my family's case, you would get reamed out daily, and your life would be living hell. A truly toxic person never stops tormenting people. It's a sad thing that someone gets so much joy from tormenting others.
    Ooh, never thought of that.

    I'd like to think that he was a grown man who could deal with his relationship with his wife for himself. Or he could ask the OP *not* to be friendly with him because of the sh!tstorm it would produce.

    Still, in the OP's position, I might offer my friendship to him. Grown-up, non-co-dependendant and everything, the guy might be lonely in a marriage to an aging shrew.

    I have always made sure that I had relationships with my family members "one at a time." That has enlarged my life. When I have failed-- asked folks to take sides or gossiped-- it never worked well. And the friendliness I got via that gossip felt hollow, you know?
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  2. #42
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2006
    Posts
    2,833

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    I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Emotionally abusive, physically abusive. It was really bad. Bad enough for the court system to take me and my brothers away from our mother on several occasions.

    During my 20's I felt like it was my duty to bend over backwards to be nice to my mother. To be loving towards her and understanding. It didn't work out very well.

    During my 30's I felt like it was my duty to put in place strong boundaries with her, and kind of build a protective fence so the horrible things she said wouldn't be so painful to me. It didn't work out very well.

    In my 40's I finally understood that she was just unable to have the kind of relationship I needed and wanted to have with her. I understood that constantly needing to protect myself from her toxic behavior was not healthy for me, and that much (if not all) of my interactions with her were based on manipulation. She had called me up and asked to spend the day with me. I was overjoyed. We went out to lunch, shopped for a birthday gift for my son and I even brought her to the barn to visit my horse. At the end of the day, as I was pulling into her driveway to drop her off, she asked to borrow money. I offered her what I had, she said she needed more and I told her I just didn't have it. I was sorry, but I couldn't help her. She looked at me like I had climbed out from under a rock and said, "I have just wasted an entire afternoon dragging along after you? And I get nothing in return"?

    I cut all ties with her. Even though she lives 25 minutes down the road, I haven't spoken to her in years. I was waiting for a green light in traffic the other day and saw her drive by. That was the first time I have seen even a glimpse of her in over three years.

    I still sometimes find myself thinking that if I could just do X,Y or Z that maybe I could have a relationship with her. But then I realize that these years have been the most peaceful of my life. And one of the reasons is because she is out of the picture and no longer bringing her crazy, hateful "stuff" into it.

    Sometimes you just have to do something drastic. Cutting her out of my life was the only option I had left.
    Sheilah


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
    Location
    Whidbey Is, Wash.
    Posts
    9,656

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    Yanno, every time I start to feel bad for my mother, I remember the time she scheduled something for herself, didn't want to do it, and called me (in another town) to come do it. And when I said no, she told me she was getting on the computer to fake up some paperwork saying I owed back board, and would be taking Aisha, my happily retired first horse, to the auction that weekend, and "you know where crippled horses go." Yep. That's what loving parents do.

    There are other examples, physical and mental, but this one probably sticks out the most.

    So I remember that and remember that she sowed this particular crop called "Being Alone in My Old Age." And then I don't feel bad anymore.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jun. 16, 2001
    Location
    Los Angeles, California
    Posts
    3,356

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    Wow!

    Is it possible to get toxic mom and toxic granny a plane to Europe and while they are out of the country get them on the terrorist watch list so they can't come back.
    Last edited by 5; Feb. 25, 2013 at 06:25 AM.
    The Denver Broncos went to visit an orphanage. "It's so sad looking into their faces so devoid of hope." Sara aged 6


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2002
    Location
    new england,,usa
    Posts
    4,338

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    first, HAPPT BIRTHDAY!!
    and second, i'm another woman who will not rollover every time some bitch who shares a bloodline with me demands it!
    (did i say that out loud?)
    i am very much the odd duck in my family and between my sister and dh's two evil ones i have taken as much abuse as i am able and will take no more.

    i have to wonder why we independent, competant horse women scare/piss off/ infuriate the more traditional women in our families.
    i suspect it's part jealousy of our ways, maybe we shake up the ideas of femininity and good wife-liness; i know i sure do!
    the three women (formerly) in my life who resent me the most are the ones who live very restricted lives as far as i can see and are pretty furious with me for stepping out of the mold.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Jan. 20, 2008
    Posts
    625

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    I just wanted to give an update since you guys gave such a great deal of support both on the thread and by PM.

    I'm still not speaking to the grandmother. Don't plan on it. As for my mother, she had my poor dad texting me (I assume) and then she started in on texting. Asking "how long the standoff would last". As if it was some kind of hostage negotiation.

    I told her how it was. She gave NO response. Didn't even address it, I'm not at all surprised. Now she calls to make sure I've not keeled over from my chronic illness here and there. But I think I made the boundary limits clear. (for now anyway.) We all know that it will go back to what it was. Except this time, 3 strikes and a zero tolerance policy.
    Hope Blooming- Life with Chronic Pancreatitis

    My blog: Life with Pancreatitis


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
    Posts
    6,924

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheJenners View Post
    Yanno, every time I start to feel bad for my mother, I remember the time she scheduled something for herself, didn't want to do it, and called me (in another town) to come do it. And when I said no, she told me she was getting on the computer to fake up some paperwork saying I owed back board, and would be taking Aisha, my happily retired first horse, to the auction that weekend, and "you know where crippled horses go." Yep. That's what loving parents do.

    There are other examples, physical and mental, but this one probably sticks out the most.

    So I remember that and remember that she sowed this particular crop called "Being Alone in My Old Age." And then I don't feel bad anymore.
    That sounds like my mother. Is her name Marcia and did she move to OK?
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.



  8. #48
    Join Date
    Apr. 3, 2006
    Location
    Spooner, WI
    Posts
    2,200

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    Sorry for your tough decisions. Dysfunctional family offspring here.

    It's never easy to throw up the boundaries and possibly nix them completely. I've done the boundary thing and for one sister it has worked. I'm in the middle of boundary making with another (worst co-dependent behavior ever, I can't stands it no more) and one I haven't spoken to in several years. I can say, that I love them all but would necessarily have chosen any of them as friends.

    I can ferret out their good qualities most of the time but sometimes....After an unpleasant kurfuffle I unceremoniously cut-off most contact for a time. They seem to honor it as well so maybe they do the same thing. After a time we go back to our normal activities together, usually.

    We do share a history together, grew up in the same household, same parents etc. and we did have some good times over all the years however if there were no glimmers of goodness or even one more common thread other than childhood I couldn't/can't do it.



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