The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 48
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2005
    Location
    Sweet, sweet Virginia!
    Posts
    1,706

    Default

    Another HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! And go get/give and extra hug from/to Mr SFrost: it sounds like he's there for you.
    "Radar, the man's ex-cavalry: if he sees four flies having a meeting, he knows they're talking about a horse!" Cptn. BJ Hunnicutt, M*A*S*H Season 4, Episode "Dear Mildred"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Mar. 16, 2000
    Location
    Chatham, NY USA
    Posts
    4,100

    Default

    Wow. Those of us who think we have 'interesting' families need to thank our lucky stars. OP, bless you - and I hope those in your life who love you did something special for you.

    It's hard, I think, to make a conscious decision to divorce yourself from your mother and grandmother. We grow up with all these warm fuzzy pictures of what 'family' is supposed to be. And as others have said, it rarely is. But I believe with all my heart that YOU need to make that conscious decision for your own well-being. Yes, your mother seems to have come by her parenting techniques honestly, but - again, as at least one other mentioned - we can choose to learn how NOT to be. You seem to have accomplished that.

    NOW you need to relieve yourself of impending feelings of guilt for a decision to remove negativity (hatefulness, bitchiness) from your life. Accentuate the positive. Put the negative in a dark basement closet and lock the door. Translate - do what many above have recommended - bar them from your life. And get on with keeping yourself as healthy as you can possible be - being mentally healthy will DEFINITELY affect your physical health.

    God bless, girl -

    Carol
    www.ayliprod.com
    Equine Photography in the Northeast



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2007
    Location
    South of Georgia, North of Miami
    Posts
    1,117

    Default

    Be grateful your breaking the mold and won't end up like them.

    Lots of good advice here. There is no law that says you have to take abuse from a parent. Love and respect, yes, take a load of crap - never seen that written anywhere.

    Keep your contact as little as possible. They aren't going to change and this is the age of phone ID.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jan. 20, 2008
    Posts
    639

    Default

    Thank you everyone. All the advice given was really helpful. I was wondering if maybe I was the one with the problem, that maybe i'd done something wrong. Thank you everyone for erasing that thought from my mind.

    I know better. I am in the psych field and I should know how these situations play out. I am just not able to take my emotion and look at it objectively.

    I know that it sends my mother when I put my foot down, because like someone mentioned here, it is the control. She has NO boundaries. I'll never forget the time she said that my husband is lazy. At the time he was over in Afghanistan. He works a lot, he does what he can to provide for me. He is a really caring person. Sure, he could do the dishes more, do things more quickly, but that's not what I care about. This man...holds my barf bucket, bathes me if I can't do it myself, goes to all my hospital appts, he is a caregiver.I immediately told her that he was not lazy and told her if she had any other negative things to say about him to keep them to herself. Somehow she spun it as it was my fault, that she just called it like she sees it, and she didn't see us all the time. She was just angry I called her out and told her that her behavior was unacceptable.

    My poor stepdad. He is the best. Loving, caring, he's my real dad in my eyes. Just a wonderful man. He always says she is turning into her mother. I don't know how he does it. Although, I've seen the bitterness creep into his attitude too. He'll never leave her though.

    I so wanted to respond to that text she sent and say something, but I didn't. I am sure that would just cause more issues. Although, I know she thinks she got one over on me and I am not responding because she thinks she had made me realize I was wrong. That burns me up. But I dont have the energy to fight, so silence it is.
    An interesting development. Last night evil grandmother called 5 times saying for me to call her back, it was important. I am guessing someone told her I was not happy with her behavior. I'm not calling back. One sorry will not help now.


    Again, thank you everyone. I really appreciate it. I really needed to hear all of that!!!!
    Hope Blooming- Life with Chronic Pancreatitis

    My blog: Life with Pancreatitis


    6 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    17,813

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SFrost View Post
    Thank you everyone. All the advice given was really helpful. I was wondering if maybe I was the one with the problem, that maybe i'd done something wrong. Thank you everyone for erasing that thought from my mind.

    I know better. I am in the psych field and I should know how these situations play out. I am just not able to take my emotion and look at it objectively.

    I know that it sends my mother when I put my foot down, because like someone mentioned here, it is the control. She has NO boundaries. I'll never forget the time she said that my husband is lazy. At the time he was over in Afghanistan. He works a lot, he does what he can to provide for me. He is a really caring person. Sure, he could do the dishes more, do things more quickly, but that's not what I care about. This man...holds my barf bucket, bathes me if I can't do it myself, goes to all my hospital appts, he is a caregiver.I immediately told her that he was not lazy and told her if she had any other negative things to say about him to keep them to herself. Somehow she spun it as it was my fault, that she just called it like she sees it, and she didn't see us all the time. She was just angry I called her out and told her that her behavior was unacceptable.

    My poor stepdad. He is the best. Loving, caring, he's my real dad in my eyes. Just a wonderful man. He always says she is turning into her mother. I don't know how he does it. Although, I've seen the bitterness creep into his attitude too. He'll never leave her though.

    I so wanted to respond to that text she sent and say something, but I didn't. I am sure that would just cause more issues. Although, I know she thinks she got one over on me and I am not responding because she thinks she had made me realize I was wrong. That burns me up. But I dont have the energy to fight, so silence it is.
    An interesting development. Last night evil grandmother called 5 times saying for me to call her back, it was important. I am guessing someone told her I was not happy with her behavior. I'm not calling back. One sorry will not help now.


    Again, thank you everyone. I really appreciate it. I really needed to hear all of that!!!!
    Smart, by letting it go you're taking away her power over you.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,268

    Default

    I'll say it again, OP: You have to add good people into your life if you want to remove bad ones. Otherwise, it's too hard and all loss... making us become willing to lower our standards again.

    Also, good people not involved in your situation can help you get perspective and even "write scripts" for what to say to this or that family member who jerks your chain in a way that is familiar and has *never* allowed you a satisfying response. For example, someone can help you figure out the right response to your mom's barbed birthday text (or that there is none at all). It will make you feel more sane and less lonely to discuss that with someone else.

    Good luck to you and I hope your birthday was great.

    PS. Don't defend your husband to your mom anymore. You can perhaps do that once, but after that, screw it. You married him, you dig him, your opinion matters and so hers was always irrelevant. Now that her opinion is known, there's no reason to discuss it again.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  7. #27
    Join Date
    May. 13, 2005
    Posts
    429

    Default

    Unfortunately I was in a similar position. It took me years to cut off contact.

    Seeing a counselor really helped me learn boundaries and that I was NOT the bad one.

    I'd recommend reading Toxic Parents.....

    Good luck and do your best to stay away from any toxic person!



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Aug. 9, 2007
    Posts
    9,067

    Default Happy Belated Birthday.

    Well I did not see this thread until today, but Happy Belated Birthday! I'd give you my parents but Daddy is now deceased and mother is ancient, so I cannot share as I did growing up. My parents were always the ones that others wanted. Not that they weren't perfectionists who required perfection of me, but they were always supportive without bragging about me. And I'm not a psychologist, but I have spent a lot of time with forensic psychiatrists and reading psychiatric studies of why people do what they do for decades and trying to figure out why people act as they do.

    I'm still confused about why people inflict pain upon others. I don't understand how it can be gratifying. But I'm told that some people actually feel better about themselves when they make others feel bad. Because of your chronic and painful illness, you have to limit the time you spend with your toxic relatives, whether it is in person or on the phone. I had some aunts, now deceased, and some aunts, still alive, who were constantly critical of me. However I just went to their homes to help out, and ignored their comments. But I wasn't ill.

    You just have to keep telling yourself that it is not your fault that your mother and grandmother have personality disorders that give them gratification when they belittle you. Stay off of the phone with them. Send emails or cards and flowers when they are in hospital. Be glad that your husband is not like your blood relatives. The more you can stay away from your family, the better you will feel. With your painful and chronic illness, you cannot have the stress of trying to please people who are really unhappy with themselves, so they must make others as unhappy as they are.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jan. 15, 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    302

    Default

    If you want to still talk to them, you need to set strict boundaries.

    Tell her straight up what you won't tolerate. Don't blame, just say "I will no longer speak with you if you belittle or insult me." If she tries to do that when you talk with her, say "I told you, I will not talk to you if you insult me." If she tries again or gets angry, hang up on her.

    It can feel really awful when you first do it, because, after all, they are your family. But it's the only way to get through to people like this. They just have to realize that bad behaviour on their end = no relationship with you.

    You have to be very consistent. You can NEVER let her insult you. She will test for a long time because she's done it for so long, but stick to your guns and they will get it eventually (or not, but then at least you don't have to deal with it!).

    I had to do this with my own mother. I am still not close with her, but now we can talk on the phone like normal people, instead of the conversations dissolving into insults, hurt feelings and arguments.

    Good luck and remember when they insult you, it's NOT because of you, it's their own unhappiness spilling out.



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Mar. 3, 2010
    Posts
    1,429

    Default

    (((HUGS)))

    Happy Birthday!

    I have not read every response. Suffice it to say I had an incredibly dysfunctional, abusive family situation. I put up with a lot of crap because they were family and if the poo ever hit the circulator they'd be there for me.

    Well it did and they weren't.

    After my Dad passed I told everyone no more cards, phone calls. presents for any reason. I am done with a capital D. THat was setting a boundary. THey have NOT honored that boundary. I don't think abusive people can. They are emotionally stunted.

    Now you can certainly send cards, presents etc if you wish and not answer the phone or even open the things they send. There are ways of still being a good member of the family without exposing yourself in the line of fire.

    Good Luck, whatever you decide. You are not alone.
    “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
    ? Albert Einstein



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2001
    Posts
    9,265

    Default

    If people treat you like $h!+ and you tolerate it, you are responsible. Personally, I'd severely limit my interactions with them but if you feel you need to be involved with them, be proactive.
    If your mom or grandmother say something insulting or inappropriate, just pleasantly say "Sorry, I have to go now" and hang up or leave. Simply disengage without drama. Defending yourself keeps them engaged and makes them think they have credibility. Don't take what they say personally (hard, I know) but they can't help themselves obviously.

    As an adult;
    You are in control of your interactions with your family.
    Your relationship with them is what you make it.
    There are no victims, only volunteers.
    See those flying monkeys? They work for me.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2008
    Location
    Scranton, PA
    Posts
    729

    Default

    I so feel for you OP.
    My mother and I have had a very toxic relationship for about 5 years now. The past 4 months we have managed to be civil. She is truly a lunatic who cheated on my father with the pastor of our church. Anyways, long story short, I recently voiced my opinion about the situation, she responded when she heard with a text that said

    "I hope the guilt of lying (I never lied about anything) kills you. You are a b!tch and I wonder how long it will take for your husband to figure it out. I wonder how long he'll put up with you. I have one child now and it's not you."

    Basically, that was it for me. The relationship is over. I will no longer accept apologies for rude comments and out bursts. I am an adult and can not bring myself to care about what she thinks anymore. Frankly for my mental health I can't ALLOW myself to care. You should do the same. By not until you're ready. For me it was like a light bulb. That text was the end all of it. No doubt in my mind.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2012
    Location
    La La Land
    Posts
    478

    Default

    I have found out how much better life is when you delete toxic people in your life from data base.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,545

    Default

    Hunter Kid-aren't you the one on Dateline? If so I totally agree with you about this being the end. You are a good person, and you never deserve for her to treat you like that. You deserve to be loved and treasured for the good person you are, and you need to have people in your life that want the best for you.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  15. #35
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2008
    Posts
    257

    Default

    First of all, I'm so sorry you have such an unkind, unsympathetic, and downright NASTY mother and grandmother. You deserve much better, and after reading this thread it appears that you've received a lot of good advice and well-deserved sympathy from other posters.

    I've just got one thing to add: don't vent on Facebook, like ever. It never ends well. I know you were just frustrated when you made your post, and your mother CERTAINLY should not have reacted the way she did, but still, you're the lucky one with your head on straight, so do yourself a favor by not adding fuel to the flames. Ambiguous looking posts (like the one you posted) are either 1) obvious to the people who know what's going on, or 2) look like a plea for attention. Either way, you're attracting attention to yourself in a negative way.

    I know you're going through a lot, so please don't take this advice critically--I mean what I say the kindest way possible. I'm sure you have plenty of Facebook friends who'd like to hear about your troubles, the thing is though, public forums like Facebook just ain't the place to do it. Communicate with people privately about your issues, call, text, email, carrier pigeon, smoke signal--whatever your heart desires.

    Best of luck dealing with your family.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,268

    Default

    OP, I hope you can maintain a separate relationship with your step-dad if you like him. He counts as "family," right? I'm sure he feels isolated being married to your getting-meaner mom, too. Both of you might benefit from having a family connection that's not tainted by other people or history.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,545

    Default

    mvp-I wonder what would be the cost to the stepfather when mommy finds out there is a relationship? In my family's case, you would get reamed out daily, and your life would be living hell. A truly toxic person never stops tormenting people. It's a sad thing that someone gets so much joy from tormenting others.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  18. #38
    Join Date
    Nov. 9, 2005
    Location
    uk
    Posts
    15,268

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SFrost View Post
    MVP, you hit the nail on the head. I do feel for my mom having to grow up with that. She had a crappy childhood.

    As for my grandmother. I'm pretty much done. She'll attempt to say sorry but really, she's already told me what she really thinks of me. (And has been all my life.) So one sorry does not make it ok. Right now, I feel it is a survival thing for me. I simply can't deal with any more. I just can't.

    As for my mother. I don't know. She's going to be just like her mom. Add to that she's a drinker and has some MI, IMO. I can't sort that out for her. I can't make her be nice. I can't ever have a normal adult conversation. It makes me so sad. I WISH I had a good support system because my health situation is terrible right now, but I can't make people change. I just thought a mom was supposed to be kind and give unconditional love. Especially when their kid is having a rough go.

    You are 100% right in everything you said in your post.
    theres always good that comes from bad----------- and its you
    mate you have broken the evil cycle of not nice people because your different to your mother and nan- like me yeah abussive parents be it mental pysical or both - i didnt want to be like mine so at a certain point in my life i said no more
    when i had my kids yeah i did visit all those that were naff only to say that they couldnt say that against me of not seeing there grand kids not that they ever brought anything for them or showed them any interest becuase they didn't but in my mind - i did all that i could as after all they were my parents

    when they died- i did the dutyful thing of attending there funerals as after all they like i said before were my parents etc

    i know i can live with a clear concious and i know that they have missed out on a ton of stuff with my kids and there kids

    my point being - they may have produce me, nuetured me into there ways early in life as after all one has to play by the rules when young and under ones roof but that doesn't mean to say that when i leave the nest that i cant be a better person than they are

    mate- you are so much more than them as they have shown the wrongs of how to where you know the right of what and how to break the cycle you have and that's what they cant stand as you my friend don't need them to stand upright on your own - boils down to they want to be like you and are

    jealous and cant handle it because they are not like you and you have so much more freedom then they ever did in there lives as don't for get your parents and there parents were born of age where one stuck by the side of the man and in the shadows as man ruled the house to these days

    both partners do or if single one does it by themselves they never had that so think a bit



  19. #39
    Join Date
    Aug. 14, 2011
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    88

    Default

    Wow, so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand. Completely. I have not spoken to my mother or step- father for nearly 2 years now. I grew up never feeling good enough despite always trying to be a good daughter. The straw that finally had me cutting off communication was her histrionic blow- up one year because we came for a visit and stayed with my brother instead of them. Oh, and the shitty comments to my whole family about my husband. The girl who had never stood up to her mother became angrier than I ever had before and I finally snapped. It was ugly.

    Anyway, it was super long coming and I decided I didn't need that kind of stress anymore. I do miss some of the rest of my family, but am happier over all. I may have to sneak into town and see all those Aunts, Uncles, and cousins very soon. . Surround yourself with the people who you wish were your family. It works for us!



  20. #40
    Join Date
    Jan. 20, 2008
    Posts
    639

    Default

    You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for the support. I hate that there are others out there who understand, because no one should have to have to put up with crap, but I am so thankful at the same time I am not alone. I know it is often like that when you are dealt a crappy hand.

    As of now, still no contact from my mother. Which, thank goodness. I hope it stays that way for awhile. Then she is going to get the 3 strikes. And I am going to be sure to enforce boundaries each and every time. For the sake of wanting to keep my relationship with my step dad close, I figured this is the best route. I know she isn't going to change, but in the end at least this way I can have the piece of mind I tried.
    Hope Blooming- Life with Chronic Pancreatitis

    My blog: Life with Pancreatitis


    1 members found this post helpful.

Similar Threads

  1. My filly is abusive.
    By amastrike in forum Sport Horse Breeding
    Replies: 86
    Last Post: Nov. 20, 2011, 03:16 PM
  2. Extremely difficult family situation
    By Rubyfree in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: Nov. 26, 2009, 11:10 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •