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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,968

    Default Of Motherhood and Wifehood

    How do us moms do it?
    I'm ready to choke my husband, who comes and goes as he pleases, works late, meh...no big deal? Right? Thinks calling me at 5:30 when he is supposed to be home by 6 is fine, only to tell me he won't be home until I don't know, 7?

    This would not be a big deal, he isnt a drinker, gambler or cheater, but on the days that I am home with the baby alone, I would just like to be able to go the bathroom or step outside or go to the second floor of the house ALONE.

    Then he complains I never pay attention to him. To which I say, Darling, if I had 5 minutes to myself I would surely be a more attentive wife! But alas, I never do.

    Haven't seen my horses in 3 weeks. Have seen the kitchen, the baby doctor, the bank, the grocery store, laundry room and my office (where I manage 7 OTHER men, I cannot get away).

    Husband has ADD, is self employed and has no concept of time management or value of anyone else's time. Gets tunnel vision. BIG TIME. He does best in a structured environment, was always on time (as in, before 8pm) coming home from work when he worked for someone else. Now that he is self employed AGAIN, he's fallen back into habits. And there are 3 of us now.

    If I don't nip it now, it'll be worse. He'll wake up and our son will be 13 and he'll have missed a bunch.

    Help me not scream.

    (end vent)



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    30,925

    Default

    go forth and scream.

    then maybe some marriage counceling, so both of you get tools to better communicate.

    sucks when you can't even have the bathroom in private (for more than a splash and go)
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    14,937

    Default

    Meh, put DH in charge of your shared bundle of DNA for the 50% of the time that is properly his. He needs to know what the job entails. The 24/7-ness of being a mother is unique. So many guys have the notion of work vs. time-off. That ended for him at conception.... which he doesn't know yet.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,968

    Default

    Oh, done counceling MANY TIMES. I even left him 5-6 years ago, got a lawyer and all that. That's when he left the biz and worked for someone else.

    My son is easy. I don't mind him at all, or the work he entails.

    I DO mind when I ask DH to pick up the baby at 6 from his mothers (on a day I work) so I can assist one of my techs in dropping off a vehicle. He says "No...I can't I have someone coming to the shop at 5".

    OMG! You are supposed to be HOME then!!!

    And I'm a GOOD wife. I don't nag, or yell or weep incessantly. I cook, I clean, I make great money. I'm a good mother. I don't complain to him, or try to control him. He does what he wants to do, all I ask is that I get to I don't know, see those giant pets of mine once in awhile? I never go out with out one or both of them. Hell, he even gets the house to himself overnight on Saturdays, since I take Jr. to my mother's to play cards and we spend the night.

    Can I be him? Can I have me to take care of myself?

    'Tis time for me to scream into the clothes dryer.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 14, 2007
    Posts
    218

    Default

    Ahh, yes.. been there. You go on, girlie, scream into that dryer.
    Audaces fortuna iuvat.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,968

    Default

    Ha! So this is normal? Mom wanting to choke the life out of Daddy? Preferably with a curb rein??

    Payback's a bitch. I'm going on a cruise with my mom and crazy aunts and cousins (all women) for 7 days in June.

    Daddy's gonna REALLY miss me then.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
    Posts
    6,036

    Default

    I am in a similair situation with the exception that my husband works construction and I know he works late (he usually gets home around 7:30 or 8) and he works Saturdays most weekends.

    I work 40+ hours a week and have a 15 month old as well as being 6 months pregnant with #2, I have an hour commute each way. Household and baby chores are all on me, simply because of the DH's work schedule...and I appreciate how HARD he works, but really, its getting old! It would be REALLY nice if say, on Sunday, when he is home, he took the kid and left, or something...I dont want to go to the mall and shop, I want to lay on the couch and do nothing for a few hours, which may sound selfish, but dammit I want to be selfish for a few hours!

    I leased my horse out in September because I couldnt stand the thought of paying board, etc and NOT being able to see him, so that has been a huge weight off my shoulders.

    I like you, dont nag, whine, or control him...he has the freedom to do what he pleases...and of course I do as well, I have never had to ask permission for anything, nor has he. He is not a cheater or a liar. He is a hard worker, to a fault and has taken for granted that the household and kid "things" will just be done by me because, well, they always have.

    AS the due date for son #2 draws near I have a few things that I deem as "pressing" I need to discuss with him...a few decisions need to be made and I just dont want to be the one that makes them, at the least, I want his input...I attempted to discuss last night but after a 14 hour work day, he was asleep on the couch by the time I go the little one to bed....very frustrating!


    Dont get me wrong, he is a wonderful provider, a great man, and a loving Dad...his calm attitude generally balances my "get it done NOW" attitide, which is nice...but lately I have felt more than a little taken advantage of and pushed to my limit...I need to scream, or throw something, or both...in his general direction.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,968

    Default

    relocated, we can scream TOGETHER. This is why I (one of the reasons) wont have more than 1 kid. I KNEW he would be this way, I told him the day I found out I was pregnant.

    I just signed up for 2 lessons a week on my mare. If he isn't home on those nights, I'm changing the locks. I swear.

    And it's NOT selfish to want to lay on the couch, dammit! If your husband came home and parked it there with a beer after working, it would be just fine.

    I can't park it on the couch until, I don't know, 9 pm? Just long enough to kill a glass of reisling before my eyes slam shut. Then I get to get up at 6 or 7 am and do it all again.

    When he pulls this BS, after I have spoken to him about it, I go on strike. I refuse to wash his underwear and work pants. Or feed him.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,480

    Default

    Completely totally normal to feel the...not so much stress as MIND NUMBING SAMENESS WITHOUT A 2 SECOND BREAK-ness.

    Eating warm food, showering alone or without staring out from behind the curtain every 3 seconds, running for a gallon of milk, just sitting still and staring at a wall. Dads sometimes don't realize even when they're excellent dads, excellent providers and excellent husbands...even if they work 12 hour days they still have 4 hours off before bed. Moms...have a 24/7/365 job without any time off. No coffee or bathroom breaks, nothing. And so they have the career, the baby, the house cleaning, food preparing, shopping, errands. And even a SAHM still does not have time off.

    And once in a while...Mom goes a teensy weensy bit insane.

    So make a "bonding" time for daddy and junior once a week. Non-negotiable. Don't ask, tell. 1-3 hours once a week Dad has baby, house, etc and Momma gets the hell outta dodge for that time. Or vice-versa...dad takes junior and mom gets the house alone for that time.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2005
    Location
    The Prairie
    Posts
    5,425

    Default

    Agree on a schedule. MWF or whatever works for you, he must be home by x time as that is your riding night. Everyone knows the schedule, can't claim he didn't know.

    If by a particular time DH is not home, put baby in car, drive to his work and drop off. With a diaper bag, if you are feeling generous.

    FWIW I am very fortunate in my choice of husband and he normally does his fair share of child care. However, even with us things went awry for a bit. One weekend a.m. I was pushed too far and went on strike. Left for the day. Buh bye. I am doing your usual Sat chores and you do mine dragging 2 children with you. Came home that night to a much improved atmosphere.

    Enjoy your cruise!
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr. 1, 2008
    Posts
    4,536

    Default

    I remember those days. I don't miss them. It seemed both at the time and now as I look back on it, I did 95% of all the work. I worked outside the home and I all of the stuff in/around the house too.

    Nope, you are not alone.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
    Posts
    6,036

    Default

    LOL...I guess deep down they are all the same, huh?!

    Mine has taken to washing his own coveralls and work clothes, even figured out how to use the stain pre-treater...but he wont wash mine (which maybe I dont want him to, lol).

    I still have my 3/4 ton truck I bought before we weer married...its a single cab and pretty useless to me at this point and will be obsolete once #2 comes along, its been sitting in our shed for a good 6 months until, after weeks of begging he pulled it out so I could drive it. I love this truck, its really the only peice of "me" I have left before marriage and mommyhood, but, its useless. I had mentioned trading both of MY trucks in on 1 that suited the farm/hauling needs as well as my Mommy needs and was met with a blank stare and a "why"...are you kidding?!?! Because seeing my lovely truck rot to the ground is driving me batty...tried to talk to him again last night and was met with snores in return. So, today I made a decison, both of these trucks are MINE and I am getting rid of them for just ONE that suits MY needs. The detailer is coming tomorrow and Friday to clean them both up to take to the dealer on Saturday while he works. He will not be happy with me, thats for sure, but, I am so over this!
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    Dutchess County, New York
    Posts
    4,038

    Default

    I agree, I found this time to be the most stressful.

    What about getting childcare? If you had someone there who could take care of your baby while you rode (or whatever) that might lessen the anger/stress level you are feeling.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Apr. 2, 2003
    Posts
    4,669

    Default

    No kiddos here, but 1 2yo dog who can not be unsupervised for 5 minutes unless he is in a very contained area as he WILL get into trouble. Too cold to put dog outside for 5 minutes of peace.

    I work from home, so I get the "didn't you do X or Y" speech when I get home and I just say "I was working." He thinks I have infinite time. I love him but I want to punch him often and we DON'T have kids. Not sure what will happen when there's a kiddo but I know I will go insane. I have had weekends where I have gone to my parents house because I am exhausted and I can't even nap in my own house because husband-to-be can't just sit down, shut up, and let me relax.

    So you have my complete sympathies. I'm sure how you're feeling is much worse.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 29, 2006
    Location
    Colorado- Yee Haw!
    Posts
    2,751

    Default

    Hugs! I've been there too! I found when my daughter hit about 2.5 it became a lot easier. She was easier to do things with- could entertain herself while I went to the bathroom. Also at that age she was more interesting for my husband to do things with. Encourage activities he would like. My husband loves taking my daughter to the pool and bike riding (she got a strider at 2 and can rip it up.)

    I always found him more helpful after I had to travel for a few days for work.

    ETA- at the suggestion of our marriage counselor we hired a sitter for 2 hours every other weekend and did something together and I think that REALLY helped our communication. For us it was mountain biking since it was something we loved to do that we couldn't do together anymore.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
    Location
    Westford, Massachusetts
    Posts
    3,470

    Default

    Don't wash his underwear or work pants anyway...you work and take care of a child, I see no reason why you should be doing his laundry even when he's "good". I've never done my DH's laundry, ever, at best moving his to the dryer so I can fit mine in the washer. He's a grown man.

    We work it out pretty well here. From Day 1 we setup a routine, jointly, that both of us had to be committed to, not just me. We're about as close to 50/50 as is practical, with flexibility when one person is getting swamped with external demands (if it is ALWAYS the same person, something has to change). It can be done and if other men can do it, so can your DH.

    If he needs more structure, make him some yourself. You and he sit down and make a plan for child responsibilities and agree to it...then hold his feet to the fire on it unless he communicates clearly, and with notice, that he can't hold up his end for a legitimate reason (not, I forgot!). Neither DH nor I make work related or other commitments that would interfere with our times for child responsibility without consulting the other first, it's just not fair otherwise. There's no rule that says Mommy must be the default child care person.

    One thing I know some friends have trouble with is the fact that, if you expect DH to take more responsibility, you also have to give him more control. Some of my friends want to micromanage child care and then wonder why their DH isn't taking equal responsibility. It's hard sometimes, but if DH is the one responsible for child at any given point in time, I do not tell him how to fulfill those responsibilities. Only if he asks for help or advice, he makes his own calls and I need to support him.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    3,898

    Default

    Well, when my kids were little under 5 Mr. Stolen was not as interested as he is now. And the worst thing is his on-call schedule, which means when he has call I cannot leave the children with him and so many times he just didn't bother to tell me his call schedule.

    I also get the kids up, make their breakfast, make their lunches and drive them to school and pick them up. I also work full-time but I can work from home. My experience with Mr. stolen and two small kids was pretty bad, the time thing, it's a male thing....



  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,480

    Default

    Oh RelocatedTXjumper...a new shiny Mommy/Farm truck will certainly make you grin! Mr Blue and I have always been really fine with the "community money" lifestyle but I remember once the look on his face when he came home and there was my Dream SUV in the driveway! A total impulse...I had just started shopping for a new lease vehicle and it usually takes me weeks/months to get one because I hem and haw and hate to spend money.
    That time I walked onto the lot, drove off with a brand new Land Rover Discovery. Dunno what surprised Mr Blue more...that it was a surprise or that I didn't waffle about spending income for ages first, LOL! Of course that started 3 years of My Disco is tougher than Your Jeep and No It's NOT!


    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    5,659

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    And I'm a GOOD wife. I don't nag, or yell or weep incessantly. I cook, I clean, I make great money. I'm a good mother. I don't complain to him, or try to control him. He does what he wants to do, all I ask is that I get to I don't know, see those giant pets of mine once in awhile? I never go out with out one or both of them. Hell, he even gets the house to himself overnight on Saturdays, since I take Jr. to my mother's to play cards and we spend the night.

    Can I be him? Can I have me to take care of myself?

    'Tis time for me to scream into the clothes dryer.
    I have no kids, thankfully, but I do not (apparently) qualify as a GOOD wife. When he slacks, I call him on it. He may complain that I nag him and that I'm a bitch, but at least I don't have to scream into the clothes dryer to keep from losing it. Is my bitching effective? Marginally, but it makes me slightly less insane, and I was never good at keeping my mouth shut anyway.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb. 19, 2009
    Posts
    4,534

    Default

    Yea, its definitely got to be a give and take kind of deal, with both parties feeling like they are on equal ground. I don't have kids but that is the way my relationship is with my DH now and I made sure he understood it will not change when we have kids. In fact, I told him to expect that at least twice a week I will still be playing with the "ponies" once we have kids. Fortunately he is really excited to be a dad and doesn't need as much "down" time as I do to decompress so getting him to spend time with kids shouldn't be like pulling teeth. Hopefully.



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