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  1. #41
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    Jan. 16, 2003
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    Tennessee
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    My husband was terribly shy, and had lots of trouble meeting people. His therapist advised him to find some group or class he was interested in (try www.meetup.com for things in your area) and to always arrive ten minutes early. Now, three years later, he has made several friends.

    Toastmasters is a good group, or if there's a community college that has some night-time adult classes, perhaps you could find something that would be interactive. There are always agencies that need volunteers. Check with your local United Way. Some cities have a volunteer match website. Habitat for Humanity uses many volunteers, and lots of them are guys. This is the time of year that people start to do things outdoors. Find a 5K run, or even a one mile fun walk for a good cause. Go to www.active.com to look for events in your area. A lot of events need volunteers too. Get a friend or two together and take a vacation somewhere. There are singles cruises too. Just be careful. I think www.singlescruise.com is still around.

    It seems that you have a very small comfort zone. Ask a trusted friend to help you push your boundaries. New hair color might be scary, but it can be fun too. A coach or counselor might be a good idea if you are really stuck.

    Good luck, and let us know how it goes!
    It's 2015. Do you know where your old horse is?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
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    Aug. 25, 2012
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    I'm going to suggest pumping the brakes on the dating website. Reason being until you LIKE yourself and have some CONFIDENCE in yourself as a person you will struggle to be successful in relationships.

    Lex's advice although harsh in delivery is true. Do things to make yourself feel better who you are whether they involve your physical appearance or what you have to offer intellectually. You need to feel good about you first.

    From there I'd start in social situations connected to what your interests are and get comfortable with men and women alike. Do all these things first that way when/if you join a dating site you will be better prepared.

    Being inexperienced intimitally to the right guy not a deal breaker or weird at all. A little counseling as you go through this might be helpful too. Good luck!



  3. #43
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    Apr. 29, 2002
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    Not sure how much of this applies to you, OP, but I found it a bit inspiring

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...v=ltun92DfnPY#!



  4. #44
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    Sep. 18, 2007
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    FL
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    783

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    change your attitude...Fake it 'til you make it...pretend you are that successful person. Visualize yourself in a happy relationship and go out there projecting that you are someone who everyone wants to be with...and it'll happen!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
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    May. 5, 2008
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    Scranton, PA
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    Just give yourself time. If you aren't extremely social or outgoing, just try and find a group of friends with some guys that you can just get to know and get comfortable around.

    My husbands best friend since elementary is an anti social adorable Italian. He is as socially backward with women as they come. When he first met me, he couldn't barely stand to say hello because he was so shy. I personally treated him like one of the girls.

    My husband works 60 hours a week and I would frequently drag John to my house for dinner or to do some manly chore when my hubby was gone. Since then we have gotten to be quite good friends. I'm sure I scared the sh!t out of him and made him uncomfortable a million times but has really come out of his shell now. Even admitted to me he has taken a liking to my husbands cousin. we'll see where it goes! Maybe he'll be family one day!

    Moral is, find guy friends that you can be comfortable around. Then you'll eventuay have the courage to pursue men you may be interested in dating...,.



  6. #46
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    Feb. 4, 2006
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    2,954

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    It takes some of us longer than others. Nobody is a lost cause, as long as you are open to change.

    I came to the realization, after losing about 50lbs and being a horse obsessed tomboy all my life - at about 20 years old - that I should really try that whole dresses and heels and makeup thing a try - and honestly, it's given me so much more confidence. As it turns out, while there are things I would still change about myself, I'm actually a pretty attractive, relatively fit 6' tall blond chick that does pretty alright for herself considering. I have probably been out in 20-25 dates in the last couple of years, actually. It's been good practice. I still struggle with knowing the "rules" when it comes to dating, but I do ok! But I had to find it within myself to change, you know? I've had a couple of friends who I consult with (probably excessively ) about dating and relationships and sex, and others on clothes and such. But I had to admit to me that I didn't know things, and then admit that to others who DID know. This is critical.

    One of my favorite quotes is this: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result."

    So you need to do something different, because you are evidently unsatisfied with your situation. From your posts here, it's clearly about your self confidence, largely. You might benefit from some counseling/a psychologist. If you can't do that, do you have a network of friends? I am the perpetually single person among my friends oftentimes (I haven't traditionally been a LTR kinda girl), but I find that if I keep enough friends around I stay pretty positive, entertained, and occupied. I figure the right guy will turn up eventually. I also unfortunately work in the horse business, where there are very few single straight guys around, and very little interaction with other coworkers or the public (which is how most people I know have met their SOs).

    While I think some of the posts regarding weight/looks are maybe not too far off, if a bit badly delivered - I think you should also bear in mind that there is someone out there for everyone. I have a good friend who has truly strange tastes in people he likes (but strange to me, totally normal for him!). And he's actively grossed out by most of the people I find attractive Standard blond bombshell isn't everyone's cup of tea, not by a long shot.

    Part of the game is putting yourself out there, part of it is having a little self confidence, and part is putting yourself together well. You needn't be a size 0 model or wear expensive designer clothes. Slap on a little makeup (earlier suggestions of hitting Sephora or MAC is a great idea, they can help you pick the right stuff), and wear clothes that fit you (plus addressing your self confidence issues) and I bet you will snag some interesting people. Do you have some friends that might be able to help?

    It's just another costume. It doesn't take away from being a strong, independent woman in my professional life. But it did take me admitting to myself "I need to wear a little makeup to hide that honking zit on my schnozz" and "You know, I can wear the size I am now, not what I was before (12)". 50 lbs lighter, a sprinkling of confidence, a good haircut and am well on my way I am still at an age where I regularly go out for an adult beverage or two with friends on the weekends, for chatting and people watching - and I am equally regularly amazed at how people I do not find attractive are clearly making a love connection...renewing my own hope that I may someday find someone! But you first have to admit to yourself that you need help and self improvement, and then actually seek it out. It's really hard but you can do it.

    Online dating may be just the ticket for you as well. It allows you to get out there and be really upfront about yourself and what you're looking for. Finally, you might want to check out Dan Savage/Savage Love for more advice on your intimacy/sex life issues. Even if I don't always totally agree with him, he's given me a much more open minded view of relationships/virginity etc.

    If OT day closes and you need some help, feel free to PM me. I see a lot of myself in your posts and maybe could be of some assistance.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47

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    I met my husband through a speed dating event. I don't know if they offer speed dating in your area, but it's worth checking out.

    Also, go where the men are. Join a gym, volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Do you like to bike? Join a bicycling group. Get out there, get active, and above all, enjoy yourself. People are attracted to happy people.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
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    Tampa Fl.
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    Now you need to join the Online Dating thread and give us your username




    Quote Originally Posted by OTD Alter View Post
    Thank you all for the input. No, I didn't ask for advice, but I'm taking it. Lex, you were right in your first post. I do need to do all that stuff. Sometimes it's hard to think it will make a difference, but it is worth a shot.

    I took a baby step outside my comfort zone--I joined a dating website.



  9. #49
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    May. 31, 2010
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    Tampa Bay Area
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    I don't have any groundbreaking advice but wanted to throw out a couple things.

    First, what I wish I'd believed in my 20s - alone is not a synonym for lonely. I am alone. I joke about finding a man, and sure sometimes it would be nice, but I have a really good life alone. You can too. Learn to enjoy your life and your friends and appreciate what you have to offer the world. There truly is nothing more attractive than self-confidence.

    When you start dating, just date. It will be really, really easy to think the first boyfriend is the one and get entangled in a serious relationship without really exploring what the world has to offer. This is the voice of experience talking. I'm not saying you should avoid dating and relationships and whatnot. Just pace yourself. Get some experience meeting people and dating. Online dating is great for that, at least.

    No one is a lost cause. Glad to see you are taking steps already!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
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    May. 17, 2001
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    New Hampshire/Florida
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    Try to find something you might enjoy learning that also attracts a lot of guys. Take an EMT course, join a gun club, take a bartending course, stuff like that.

    I hope you come back on the next off-topic day(s) to let us know how you are doing.



  11. #51
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    Jul. 19, 2003
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    Middleburg, VA
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kwalker024 View Post
    I'm going to suggest pumping the brakes on the dating website. Reason being until you LIKE yourself and have some CONFIDENCE in yourself as a person you will struggle to be successful in relationships.
    I agree with this, although you don't say what the rest of your social life is like. I am a firm believer that dating and having a partner should not be the sole focus of one's life, and in fact should be icing on the cake. If you don't have any cake to speak of (friends, activities, etc), then I wouldn't be jumping into the icing just yet.

    Just my personal opinion, but I know that online dating can be pretty disappointing (it can also be good, too, but I have found it 95% meh and 5% awesome), and if you are already lacking in some self esteem, it may not be the best place to start.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #52

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    Pat, pat, "there, there!"

    If it makes you feel any better, I'm 37 and have been on exactly two dates in my life. As someone else pointed out, there's a huge difference between "alone" and "lonely."

    I'm happy with who I am and the life I live. Would I like a guy in it someday? Sure. But a man isn't necessary. I think that's the point you need to get to in your life. You sound a bit desperate, and men can sense that. You'll run a risk of attracting the major losers if you project that air of desperation, as opposed to an air of "Hey, boys, I'm here and I will only pick one of you . . ."

    You have to like yourself first. No one else can fulfill that within yourself. Build the life you want, and think long and hard about the kind of guy you want in that life. When the time is right, you'll meet him.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
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    Mar. 16, 2000
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    Chatham, NY USA
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    A couple others have said something along the lines of "practice friendliness." EVERYWHERE. As you walk past someone (male or female) - "Love your sweater!" "Great tie!" Catch their eye and smile. Talk with the cashiers at whatever store you're in.

    What hobbies do you have? What hobbies would you LIKE to have? Get involved. You're WAY too young to remember the song "Where the Boys Are" - but you can figure out what it's about by the title... Get there. What kind of guy do you think you'd like? In real life - not make believe. Where does a guy like that hang out? Does he play polo? Does he ride reining horses? Is he a NASCAR fan?

    Heck, join the National Guard. Or a Reserves unit. Something YOU'd be interested in.

    You may feel alone - and lonely. But you are NOT hopeless. Not in either sense of the word. But 'hope' is pretty passive. You need to get out and DO something about it.

    And right now, I have to get outtahere and go see my almost-92 yo mother. Chin up. Put a SMILE on it. For everyone to see. Smiles are magnets.

    Carol
    www.ayliprod.com
    Equine Photography in the Northeast


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
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    Feb. 5, 2010
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    Just make sure ya don't go canoeing on the first date! You don't want to give up your paddles too easily, and definitely not to the first guy that comes along (unless, of course, he really floats your buoy ).


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
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    Mar. 30, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    I LOVED online dating, and I think it gave me the confidence to attract my husband when he came along (not online, in a country western line dancing bar). I quickly learned how to politely reject someone or to ask for a second date if I wanted one. I learned small talk, and just how much to disclose to make myself a little more attractive and mysterious on a first date. If I screwed something up, I went on another date. There was a non-ending supply of polite, well meaning geeks who I really enjoyed spending time with, and I just made sure to be honest about my intentions, looking for a long term relationship but moving slowly initially. At the moment when I knew I wasn't going to work out with someone, I ended it. I always offered to split dinner, and also had some really cool other dates. I'd recommend using it to learn how to date anytime.
    Somewhere in the world, Jason Miraz is Goodling himself and wondering why "the chronicle of the horse" is a top hit. CaitlinAndTheBay



  16. #56
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    Aug. 6, 2002
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    NJ, USA
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    Ha, almost 47 an in just about the same boat as the OP. That's what she's justifiably scared of - ending up like me approaching 50! So, my advice, yeah if you don't want to end up here, better start pushing your comfort zone now! Get a therapist on board - heck I sure wish I had at your age! The only good for me, when I realized no lover was coming to rescue me, I rearranged things to build a life to buy my own farmette, horses, & privacy where I can hide from the world that jokes about me (not in my hearing of course!) And try to lose the big V before 30, seriously - people say it's no big deal - until that person is the guy you are on the second date with & just told, LOL! That fact sent them scrambling before I could even announce how many cats I had LOLOLOL!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
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    Mar. 10, 2007
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    Montana
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    I would think an adult virgin would be a prize! Don't just give that away; there's someone out there that's going to be very happy to find that out! I wouldn't wear that on my sleeve either; be close with that information and be very close with the person you tell it to.

    Think about how you would feel if you had an SO and then figure out how to provide that for yourself. It would make you feel... attractive? Then get thee to the salon and mall and make yourself attractive to yourself. Confident? Build your skills so you feel confident. Out-going? You can try to be out-going, talk to someone new every day. Build up those things so you're happier with yourself and that will give you the oomph to get out there and actively search for friends and potential dates and partners. You just sound like you know you need more in your life and it probably is pretty frustrating to have not yet experienced something that this culture seems to be obsessed with. So it's understandable but dig yourself up out of the ditch there and get back on track!

    When I was single I remember thinking or hearing or reading somewhere that when I finally did meet Mr Right he was going to want to know all about my life before I met him and I wanted to have something to say! I took fun jobs and went out dancing and moved around a lot and went to college and met all kinds of people, made a point to talk to the people that nobody else was really talking to... I was very shy and withdrawn and not confident and never have thought I was all that attractive but I wanted to have fun. Work in fun busy social places, take chances and risks and have a busy life to report to your future SO.



  18. #58
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    Jan. 20, 2008
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    One of my gal pals was in a similar situation. She felt very much like you are but she had been in a horrible relationship for 20 years. She found herself alone, living with her parents (attached apartment) and feeling like she was starting from nothing. Basically, she was.

    I couldn't get her to do the online thing, but when she met someone she was terrified. I said, "Girl, you rock it like you do this all the time. He doesn't know your past or how you are feeling. So at least until you feel ready to open up, pretend to be the most confident girl in the world. He'll be none the wiser." When it came time to do the deed, she was shaking in her boots. I said, "---- like you're a rock star." Worked for her.

    I'm not saying lie or be someone you aren't, but you would be surprised how pretending to be super confident turns into reality.

    And never, ever be worried about rejection. I always thought, hey the worst that can happen is he doesn't like me. Who cares? There are way more guys out there.

    You got this. Put yourself out there and I think you are going to be surprised at what you get!
    Hope Blooming- Life with Chronic Pancreatitis

    My blog: Life with Pancreatitis


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #59
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Virginia
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    I have a friend who was 29 before he ever even kissed a girl. He was raised in a very strict family.

    He felt so lousy that there was something wrong with him and there is NOTHING wrong with him! He's a decent interesting guy.

    Then he finally met a woman, from another culture actually, and dated her for a year or so. Solved that problem

    Now he's single again but more experienced and he doesn't feel like such a weirdo anymore.



  20. #60
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    Apr. 29, 2002
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frizzle View Post
    Just make sure ya don't go canoeing on the first date! You don't want to give up your paddles too easily, and definitely not to the first guy that comes along (unless, of course, he really floats your buoy ).

    Here I am, thinking to myself as I read... "Why, I feel like canoeing would be a lovely first date!" And then I kept reading. And then I got it.



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