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  1. #81
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    Nov. 13, 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    Husband has ADD, is self employed and has no concept of time management or value of anyone else's time.
    And, here, you have described my husband.

    Is he medicated for the ADD? If not, this is key. Vyvance has done wonders for my husband, and has literally saved my marriage.



  2. #82
    Join Date
    Feb. 15, 2007
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    755

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    I plan on sitting him down this weekend when I have him for a while. Try the conversation AGAIN. The calendar AGAIN.
    For lack of better terminology, what are the consequences for when he doesn't live up to his end of the bargain?
    “Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of Solitaire. It is a grand passion.” ~Emerson



  3. #83
    Join Date
    Nov. 15, 2005
    Location
    NY
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    6,638

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    I do tell him no, I mind. Often, he'll figure a way to go anyways (such as "its for work, you can ride anytime...)
    Yup, DH would do that to me too... If they don't come home when they said they would or were 'supposed to', it's not like there's anything you can do about it.
    Talk about Passive-Aggressive



  4. #84
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    Nov. 13, 2009
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    I'm telling you, if you haven't lived with a person who has severe ADD, you could not possibly understand where the OP is coming from.

    Logic doesn't apply. Consequences don't apply. It's like living in a bizarro world. If he isn't medicated, he really should be.

    My husband's ADD is one of the primary reasons I would not want to have kids (I don't really want kids anyway, so that's fine with me).



  5. #85
    Join Date
    Mar. 11, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,494

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    What if you ruled out talking to him about it for two weeks? If trying to coerce him into anything was OFF the table, say for two weeks. What are your options then?

    I can tell you that sometimes the toughest thing to do is just give up the fight and go solve it some other way. It can be tough; I used to pretend in my mind that I was a single mother and just had a room mate so I wouldn't have any expectations of him when he was really busy.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #86
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,982

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    Quote Originally Posted by FineAlready View Post
    I'm telling you, if you haven't lived with a person who has severe ADD, you could not possibly understand where the OP is coming from.

    Logic doesn't apply. Consequences don't apply. It's like living in a bizarro world. If he isn't medicated, he really should be.

    My husband's ADD is one of the primary reasons I would not want to have kids (I don't really want kids anyway, so that's fine with me).
    Yep, you betcha. He's medicated. Still a struggle.

    I can't really "punish" him. He does get consequences (one time, many many moons ago, he wasn't helping pay the bills. I was hoofing it all alone. I finally left him and the next day, they shut the power off. He called me and told me. I said "I told you I couldnt afford to pay for everything by myself." He said he thought I was exagerating. He then had to cough up $1500 to pay National Grid.)

    I'm going to try to find a sitter. I really don't want a state of the union address. I'm all done talking, really. I think I will just tell (not ask!) him I have appointments on Mon and Wed. Non-negotiable appointments.



  7. #87
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2007
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    2,976

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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    Oh he gets tasks. When he IS home, he helps out a lot. As far as laundry, I have 2 washers so I don't MIND washing the clothes (he took over once. Had bought me a lovely cashmere sweater and put it in the dryer. On high.)

    It's the "I'll be late."
    "I'm going to a car show Sunday, do you care?"

    To which my response is always "Does it matter? You'll go anyway".

    As far as babysitters/family...right now I work 3 days a week, and family takes the baby twice, DH has him on Fridays (but works Saturdays instead, often until 9 PM, which is why I started going to my mother's to play cards).

    Last night I got the "I'm sorry, I won't be working late anymore"
    I belly laughed and said "You said that last week, the week before and two weeks before THAT."

    I don't mind once in a while. But I have the baby solo on Sat, Mon and Tues. The deal was I get to go to the barn those days when he gets home.

    hasnt happened once.
    This bothers me. He asks you a question. Be honest and straight-forward about it. "Yes, I mind, unless you are taking babykins with you. Because I don't have a single moment to myself. I need a break. "

    And mean it.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  8. #88
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    Apr. 10, 2006
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    7,383

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    I have two young kids, my sisters have kids in the same age group, and most of my friends now too.... it's a pretty typical storyline.

    Why do you think women lived in communities while men went out and did whatever the hell they did... hunt? gather? whatev.

    Sister Wives. They're on to something. That's all I have to say about that.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #89
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2007
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    56

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    I feel your pain, I am in a very similar situation with my husband. I am actually staying at my mom's right now with my 22 month old because I just cannot handle him right now. My husband also has ADD and is dyslexic. He is currently self employed but is not really contributing much financially (he maybe contributes 1/6th of our income right now). I work 40 hours a week, take care of our daughter, cook, clean (although not well.. our house is always a mess becauseI just don't have enough time to do it all), teach a few lessons on the side to offset the cost of board (my horse is also part leased but despite all of that according to him we spend too much money on the horse). My husband gets to gallavant around doing whatever he wants.. although if you asked him he would say he is overwhelmed because he is working so much..

    I am at my wits end. I'm not so upset about my husband not taking care of our daughter because my mom lives close and can help out a lot; I'm upset because my husband does very little to help out around the house. He does laundry.. thats about it. No matter how many times I talk to him about it nothing changes. I have tried making lists, I have tried asking once and not nagging, I have tried nagging.. nothing gets my husband motivated..
    I have come to the realization that some of our issues might be related to his ADD so I'm very curious to the others who are married to people with ADD- how do you cope, do you have any suggestions or words of wisdom? Or even any stories just so I know I'm not totally crazy?!? My husband is not on medication. I talked to him about it recently and he refuses to take medication. Apparently he took it as a kid and had awful side effects...



  10. #90
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    Jan. 29, 2013
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    Greensboro, NC
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    and this is part of the reason why i don't have kids yet....DH and I need to work through everything before we get pregnant so things like this don't come up too often. i'm positive they will though, so I'll be here more often than not I'm sure...lol

    good luck!!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #91
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    Apr. 28, 2008
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    7,450

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    Quote Originally Posted by equinekingdom View Post
    and this is part of the reason why i don't have kids yet....DH and I need to work through everything before we get pregnant so things like this don't come up too often. i'm positive they will though, so I'll be here more often than not I'm sure...lol

    good luck!!
    Any problems you have in your marriage will resurface and magnify times 100 once you have children. If your marriage is troubled in any significant way, I strongly recommend not having kids!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #92
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    Mar. 26, 2006
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    525

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    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    Any problems you have in your marriage will resurface and magnify times 100 once you have children. If your marriage is troubled in any significant way, I strongly recommend not having kids!
    Ooh, yeah. Both my husband and I have been diagnosed with ADD (we're both medicated). We've also both got our own Issues dealing with bouts of depression. We briefly considered having a child, but about 3 months of me attempting to live without antidepressants and him hitting a downward spiral at the same time made us realize that there was no way in heck we would ever be able to manage another human being.

    And really, it's fine. We've built up a life for ourselves where we can manage if one of us is not at his or her best for a few days.
    "Farming out" chores that were a sticking point - like yard work - has also helped immensely.

    Sometimes when things are really bad I have to take a deep breath, let it go, and pretend I am living with a human-shaped housecat who may or may not feel like socializing that day. At least he knows how to use the toilet.



  13. #93
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    1,258

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    “Respond; don't react.
    Listen; don't talk.
    Think; don't assume.”
    ― Raji Lukkoor



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