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  1. #41
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    I think you need to assign him some tasks/responsibility, plop baby on him and do what you have to do. My rule is that on weekday evenings, if one of us is working, we'd better both be working (i.e. if one is bathing the child, the other is doing dishes, folding laundry, straightening up, taking the trash out -- whatever needs done). Nobody gets down time until we are both done and the kid is packed away for the night. Then we can both sit down with a book or whatever. It's fair and we both know it, so it works.

    On the weekends, we do a lot as a family but also usually each get a block of time to ourselves, while the other one takes the kid and runs errands (grocery store, farmer's market, pharmacy, whatever). So far this has helped us keep our sanity reasonably well.

    My DH is a person that used to require a lot of down time to himself and fatherhood was a big adjustment. The first year was rough on him, now he's much more in the flow and able to be part of the team all the time. Parenthood is relentless.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
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    Jan. 19, 2000
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    I want to add that IF my husband is home in time he will take over bathing duties, etc while I clean up from dinner, etc. Its just that that doesnt happen very often because of his work schedule.

    Its that most of the time he seems to show up just as I have put the kidlet down for the night...which is just icing on the cake...I know its not planned, but it just makes it that much worse. I come home and its go-go-go to get everything done and the kidlet in bed...then, just as I walk out of his bedroom to attempt to tackel the mess made from dinner with a 15 month old, there he is, heading for the shower. Really...you couldnt have been home 15 minutes earlier?!
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  3. #43
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    Jan. 17, 2008
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    Oh he gets tasks. When he IS home, he helps out a lot. As far as laundry, I have 2 washers so I don't MIND washing the clothes (he took over once. Had bought me a lovely cashmere sweater and put it in the dryer. On high.)

    It's the "I'll be late."
    "I'm going to a car show Sunday, do you care?"

    To which my response is always "Does it matter? You'll go anyway".

    As far as babysitters/family...right now I work 3 days a week, and family takes the baby twice, DH has him on Fridays (but works Saturdays instead, often until 9 PM, which is why I started going to my mother's to play cards).

    Last night I got the "I'm sorry, I won't be working late anymore"
    I belly laughed and said "You said that last week, the week before and two weeks before THAT."

    I don't mind once in a while. But I have the baby solo on Sat, Mon and Tues. The deal was I get to go to the barn those days when he gets home.

    hasnt happened once.



  4. #44
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    And, for the record, going food shopping or to CVS ALONE is DELIGHTFUL.



  5. #45
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    I have the baby solo on Sat, Mon and Tues. The deal was I get to go to the barn those days when he gets home.

    (this) hasn't happened once.


    Sit down with the calendar, starting with when that deal was made, up through this week, and schedule a time to politely go over this with him. If there are (for example) 34 Sat, Mon and Tuesday's since that deal was made, honestly ask yourself a few questions:

    How many of those did YOU choose to not go to the barn (maybe weather, or a headcold, or you chose to stay home but could have left), strike those days.

    Now you have 29. That's 29 days that parts of those days were supposed to be yours, but were not. How many were days that he could NOT have stayed home to babysit his child? (medical emergency, employee quit w/o notice, etc). Maybe that's 2.

    So you really have 27. And that's too many. He maybe needs to see those 27 days that he didn't hold up his end of the deal, and sign HERE to say he's good for the future dates. Not all of them, life isn't that simple, but MOST of them, some of them.
    Last edited by katarine; Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:37 AM.



  6. #46
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    Nov. 15, 2005
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    NY
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    Ah the memories... been here, did this...

    One thing I started to do was pay myself for the 'babysitting' I was doing on the days it was supposed to be DH's turn, but he worked late, or last minute he went to happy hour with the co-workers, or he went to a party at friends solo cause he forgot to tell me so we could get a sitter in time or [as more frequently happened] his friends didn't give us enough notice to get a sitter. I get $12/hour to babysit, cause I have mad skillz. :nod:

    The 'best' was when his mother, the only local family member, agreed to come watch baby one morning a week so I could go audit lessons the BM was having with BNT... it was a great, free opp for me to learn vicariously. She showed up once, and upon rushing in the door late, asked if I could make sure to be back in an hour as she had something she had to do. So much for THAT.

    It is hard, I am sitting here nodding my head with everything you write... I dunno' what it is with [some] men and equitable parenting.



  7. #47
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    Sounds like you need some outside childcare who can watch baby for a few hours while you get your horse time, if DH is not going to help you.

    Or go to the barn and ride on your way home from the office on the days you do work. That schedule might work better since he already has the baby some of those days. he is then responsible for picking up baby from family on the other days and no, you aren't going to fill in. He needs to make it work.



  8. #48
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    Oct. 12, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    Husband has ADD, is self employed and has no concept of time management or value of anyone else's time. Gets tunnel vision. BIG TIME. He does best in a structured environment, was always on time (as in, before 8pm) coming home from work when he worked for someone else. Now that he is self employed AGAIN, he's fallen back into habits. And there are 3 of us now.
    Nobody else has mentioned it, but is your husband taking anything for his ADD? Medication can help immensely with time management and helping him structure his work/life balance.

    While I don't have kids/husband, I was common-law with my ex who suffered from ADHD, and I know the bouncy ball feeling that I remembered getting when he was all over the place. Once he started medication, it helped him focus. Ultimately our relationship couldn't be saved (and I truly believe ADHD was a factor), but maybe finding a ADD life coach/counselor could help him and your marriage by having you guys sit down and set out a schedule.
    Member OMGiH I loff my mares clique!!!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    Sounds like you need some outside childcare who can watch baby for a few hours while you get your horse time, if DH is not going to help you.

    Or go to the barn and ride on your way home from the office on the days you do work. That schedule might work better since he already has the baby some of those days. he is then responsible for picking up baby from family on the other days and no, you aren't going to fill in. He needs to make it work.
    Hah! I have pick the baby up a few blocks from my office. 45 minutes from home. THAT won't work.
    Except tomorrow. Tomorrow I am smuggling my barn gear into the truck and sleezing off to the farm directly from the office. Perhaps I will call at 5:30, when I get home at 5:45 normally, and say "i'm running late!" Ride not one, but BOTH of my horses, give them long grooming sessions and clean my tack. Stroll in about 9-930 (after Jr has been in bed for 2 hours or so). When questioned I will say "I told you {once} that I wanted to ride more...you didn't say anything so I thought it was alright?"

    In reality, I'll miss my baby and go right home to snuggle him.

    Sigh.



  10. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by honeychile View Post
    Nobody else has mentioned it, but is your husband taking anything for his ADD? Medication can help immensely with time management and helping him structure his work/life balance.

    While I don't have kids/husband, I was common-law with my ex who suffered from ADHD, and I know the bouncy ball feeling that I remembered getting when he was all over the place. Once he started medication, it helped him focus. Ultimately our relationship couldn't be saved (and I truly believe ADHD was a factor), but maybe finding a ADD life coach/counselor could help him and your marriage by having you guys sit down and set out a schedule.
    He his medicated. He has a neuropsychologist AND a therapist.

    Believe me, I have gone down ALL avenues. I know him, I know his ways and his faults. I love the meathead, I know what I signed up for (which is why I'm still here (again). It's just INFURIATING that he's a 35 year old man that needs to be micromanaged. He has to be accountable for his actions and his (and my time). He knows how, he's done it before. He just takes a little, a little more, pushes my limits. He knows I am not a yeller/bitcher. Often thanks me for that.



  11. #51
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    Jan. 19, 2000
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    Ellijay, GA
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    LBM, same here....daycare is actually on the campus I work, an hour from home and the barn...so unless I leave work at noon, ride, then make the drive BACK to the office to get the kid, its just not going to work that way.

    My parents live two hours away, the DHS parents are not in the picture, so thats out. His Aunt is the closest at an hour away and will come at the drop of a hat to watch the kidlet, the problem is her health is no longer to the point I feel comfortable leaving her with him alone...so thats out.

    I do find myself making grocery store, drugstore runs at lunch so I dont have to drag the kid around.

    Its tough...but I too know what I signed up for, I knew how demanding his job was, etc. But, thats doesnt mean that at least once a week, or even twice a month, he cant give me a day off.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  12. #52
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    Do it, LBM, since Friday is the day kiddo is at home with him. But be up front -- tell him that you need him to put baby to bed tomorrow because you haven't seen your horses for 3 weeks and need to go to the barn. Don't feel guilty, you can snuggle your little guy in the morning and all day Saturday when DH is at work.



  13. #53
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    seems like you tell him a lot of things but do you actually, like have a CONVERSATION with him? You sound very angry about everything and I have found with people (DH) its best to come at it with a more friendly tone. It sounds like you really don't like him very much.

    Its NOT "you against him" unless you make it that way. Just like a horse-- there can be a fight about things or you can be more creative and positive in your approach. Is he really that bad? Why not just make plans like he does? Who says you CAN'T? But don't do it in an angry or "I'll make you pay" tone.

    Don't expect people to see your POV or know what you want, or have the same expectations for themselves as you have for yourself.


    Otherwise I don't want to have kids, so I can't speak to the childcare.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
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    Mar. 10, 2007
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    I still say get outside help. His very nature is not going to respond to your micromanaging if his doctors and medication can't do it. You're fighting an uphill battle and you've only just begun. I think it's going to drive everyone crazy.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
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    Jul. 29, 2006
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    Do any of your child's daycare teachers sit on the side? Most of the teacher's at DD's daycare love to sit. We have one who is awesome. We have no family around and I could not survive if it was not for her. This week DH was traveling- and I had to work til 7:30. She brings DD home from daycare and cooks dinner. They have a blast together. I get my work done. She cleans up after cooking- it's actually easier than a regular night. And she makes me dinner too. She's a single mom and often brings her two daughters who my daughter loves playing with.

    It really does take a village to raise a child without going insane. If you don't have a good one - try and create one.

    I pay above market- but can text her if I'm running late and she will help out. This is only a problem when my husband is traveling as we have a pretty good plan now and even offset our schedules a little on purpose (that's where it gets messy when he's not in town.) I work early on Tuesday and he gets her ready and to school so I can leave early so we go to the pool (she does swimming lessons and I swim laps.) Wed I work late and he picks her up. Thursday I work from home and start early so he drives her. It took 3 years to find our groove though.



  16. #56
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    Apr. 17, 2002
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    Now knowing what I know, hire help. I think you can afford it, and should afford it. Just hire it done.



  17. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by SendenHorse View Post
    seems like you tell him a lot of things but do you actually, like have a CONVERSATION with him? You sound very angry about everything and I have found with people (DH) its best to come at it with a more friendly tone. It sounds like you really don't like him very much.

    Its NOT "you against him" unless you make it that way. Just like a horse-- there can be a fight about things or you can be more creative and positive in your approach. Is he really that bad? Why not just make plans like he does? Who says you CAN'T? But don't do it in an angry or "I'll make you pay" tone.

    Don't expect people to see your POV or know what you want, or have the same expectations for themselves as you have for yourself.


    Otherwise I don't want to have kids, so I can't speak to the childcare.
    Well, you don't understand if you don't have kids (and horses/cats/dogs are NOT like a baby).

    Never said I did not like him. In fact, I said I loved him.
    Of COURSE I have had conversations with him. A bazillion times.
    I do not yell, scream, hollar or demand (how do you know how my tone is with him?)

    My dear, when one is the mommy, one cannot just "make plans like he does". We are hard wired to care for our offspring first and foremost. I can't just dump my kid off and disappear.

    And damn straight I am angry. I am frustrated. I have every single right to be so, as you have read here that it's a common issue with a lot of moms and babies and dads. I am allowed to vent, to commiserate with those going through the same things.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
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    Oct. 14, 2012
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    with my husband I've found a written contract, with BOTH our responsibilities laid out) worked. When I don't work outside the home (like right now) I handle all house stuff, but I make it clear what things he has no choice about (parent teacher conferences etc.). When I do work outside the home, a new contract is made. Typically it means he's in charge of dinner 2 nights a week, must do his own laundry, and some other such chore, like cleaning the kitchen is his. If he doesn't feel like chipping in that share, that's fine, I will hire a cleaner and we'll pay someone to do his share, and sometimes we do.

    For us I've just found the contract, which we both sign and includes both of our responsibilities, leaves no questions and it's made our married life SO MUCH better.



  19. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by LittleblackMorgan View Post
    Well, you don't understand if you don't have kids (and horses/cats/dogs are NOT like a baby).

    Never said I did not like him. In fact, I said I loved him.
    Of COURSE I have had conversations with him. A bazillion times.
    I do not yell, scream, hollar or demand (how do you know how my tone is with him?)

    My dear, when one is the mommy, one cannot just "make plans like he does". We are hard wired to care for our offspring first and foremost. I can't just dump my kid off and disappear.

    And damn straight I am angry. I am frustrated. I have every single right to be so, as you have read here that it's a common issue with a lot of moms and babies and dads. I am allowed to vent, to commiserate with those going through the same things.
    yes, this is my point. Why so angry? Why so defensive? you tone here in this response is exactly what I am talking about.

    Reaction rather then responding to stress does not seem to help, IMHO. If you are THIS angry that is YOUR doing, sorry. Of course you can "just make plans", moms do it everyday. Get a babysitter, ask a neighbor, friend, join a gym with a daycare... people do it all the time.

    Sounds like a communication issue at its core- leaving you feeling not heard or validated. Maybe some therapy to break through this would also help.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  20. #60
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    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Sounds like you need to snap on him, honestly.

    DH has no control over his schedule. 7 pm would be an early night for us. I understand the frustration of getting a phone call at 7, when he was supposed to be home at 6, saying that he's going to be late. Normally he'll walk in the door around 10, maybe 11. He works 6 days a week.

    I put on my big girl panties and I deal with it.

    I have a mare that needs to be ridden 6 days a week or she's crazy. I'm in the middle of starting my own business. I do chores 5 days a week to offset the cost of having my mare. I do all the housewifery stuff. We have two dogs that can't be left unattended for very long. I have a very mobile toddler. I'm on my own to get everything done. Yea, I get it. It's stressful and frustrating. It's part of being a grown up.

    You can vent all you want, it's healthy, but nothing is going to get fixed if you don't direct some of your frustration at him.

    I once snapped at DH, who came home for lunch (surprise!) just so he could take a leisurely 45 minute shower, pop his feet up on the coffee table and enjoy a sandwich. In the meantime my phone was ringing off the hook, the baby was sticking her fingers in the dog's eye sockets, and I hadn't showered in three days. I finally busted in while he was...uhh... using the facilities and let him have it. It opened his eyes to just how I was really feeling and it made ME feel a ton better about getting it off my chest.

    I actually think that Sedenhorse makes some good points. Grumbling under your breath ain't gonna fix squat. I get the vibe that you don't really like him a lot either, from your posts. Sure, you love him. I love my DH, but when he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, I don't really like him.

    It IS a common issue, men aren't hardwired the way that we are, esp when it comes to babies, but things aren't going to get any better unless you change something. If your not willing to do that, than you need to learn to deal.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


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