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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2009
    Location
    far side of the moon, Utah
    Posts
    104

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    Can I join in? Ten month old son. The joy and light of my life.

    I work the minimal side of full time (30 hrs) with a 45 minute commute each way. Currently have his horse and mule at home while my mare is at my frieds barn, 15 minutes away, recovering from a bout of vasculitis and can't be outside. She needs daily visits to be medicated and her wounds cared for. I got home at 9pm last night.

    My husband is also in construction, just promoted to boot. I've gone on wife strike about 3 times in the last 9 years! It does work, for a while. I'm about to do it again. He actually wonders why I don't want to get up at 5am with him when I don't have to leave until 8.



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2012
    Posts
    282

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    Are there barn brats available to watch baby in the office or tack rooms during your lesson? Just throwing that out there!



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2002
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    909

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    My former SO was like that. Many more things contributed to the ultimate breakdown of the relationship, but his coming and going as he pleased didn't help.

    It may be childish, but I got to the point where when he got home, I handed baby over and said I was going out. I often did go up to see my horse. Sometimes I would just go to the grocery store - as sad as that sounds, it felt like freedom after caring for a baby all day.

    I don't think that all men are selfish when they behave this way or that what they're doing is intentional. My SO honestly did seem totally oblivious to my feelings at times and I don't think he realized that the parent thing was as new to me as it was to him. Some men still see parenthood as more of a mom task and just step back and let their wives take over.

    I think my SO did clue in somewhat after he'd been home caring for baby all alone for a day.



  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
    Posts
    6,040

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    For me, I boarded at a private farm...no kids just me and another boarder or two and their barn time was THEIR barn time...so hiring a barn rat was out of the question, for me at least. I am hoping once my horse comes on lease this summer to actually board at a nice training farm, where he gets training rides and there are other people around, but I havent thought that far ahead yet.

    We have "our" money and then community money for things...I have ALWAYS paid for everythign horse related myself and have ALWAYS paid my own way as far as my vehicles, etc were concerned...I lived on my before we got married and learned quite a bit from friends who got divorced, etc and had NOTHING because they let the husband take care of all of the money...I work and make a decent living. I might ask his opinion on a certain vehicle, but I wouldnt ask permission, ever...even pre kiddos....I need something to suit my current needs...he will not be ubber happy about it, but he will get over it.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jan. 19, 2000
    Location
    Ellijay, GA
    Posts
    6,040

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    I asked my Mom a few weeks ago how she did it all with 3 kids and a husband that traveled during the week...did he pitch in and help out on the weekends? She laughed and said no...once we got older he was more interested, much like what you guys have said.

    so, I asked again, how in the world did you do it all? She said "Honey, I dont remember, Ive blocked it all out", lol...so, I guess even 30+ years later things dont change much...
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  6. #26
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,460

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    Quote Originally Posted by Heinz 57 View Post
    I have no kids, thankfully, but I do not (apparently) qualify as a GOOD wife. When he slacks, I call him on it. He may complain that I nag him and that I'm a bitch, but at least I don't have to scream into the clothes dryer to keep from losing it. Is my bitching effective? Marginally, but it makes me slightly less insane, and I was never good at keeping my mouth shut anyway.
    I think you are training him well for when you guys do have kids.

    More accurately, you are giving this grown man (read: broke horse) a tune-up.

    I can't believe the two-baby households that some of you ladies put up with. F*ckin'-A, the kids are half his! And being a grown man and all, he *can* keep them alive and on track to making it to adulthood. Just like at least some of the male primates before him.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2006
    Location
    The rocky part of KY
    Posts
    9,495

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    My recollection is that I used to get early outs in the summertime, that is I'd be allowed to leave early, DD would be at daycare, and I'd go down to a park near her daycare and park the car under a tree and nap in the car until it was my regular time to pick her up. It was the only way, even though DH was a real supportive trooper. He was self employed and that's just the way it was.

    I most assuredly didn't have time for horses back then. I think we've all been there, go ahead and scream. If it gets worse though, counseling helps even if it's just for you.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



  8. #28
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    5,990

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    Quote Originally Posted by mvp View Post
    I think you are training him well for when you guys do have kids.

    More accurately, you are giving this grown man (read: broke horse) a tune-up.
    Oh, I dearly hope so. He IS a grown man that spent nearly 7 years in the Marines before we were ever married - he knows damn well how to take care of his responsibilities without a daily reminder. It's all a matter of priorities. I sadly admit that his father tells ME to keep him in line and his friends tell me I'm the only one with any chance in hell of actually doing it.

    Speaking of which, somewhere in my house I have stored a book entitled "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". Fantastic read, absolutely necessary even just in general if you deal with a lot of men. It holds the key to success without having to nag and bitch all the time, I guess I need to dig it out and re-read. Even better than the Five Love Languages books.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson



  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    15,460

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    Well... he did have a layers and layers of higher-ups to keep him in line while in the Marine Corps, no?

    He has skillz! Boot polishing skillz. Push-up skillz. Just a hop skip and a jump to diaper changing skillz.

    ETA: And nagging is equivalent to not carrying a whip so that the sucker becomes dead to your leg. Never blame the horse!
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,919

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    Oh LBM... I feel for you, I walk those shoes! For my DH his job is freaking exhausting and when he comes home he is dead to the world and the last thing he wants/can handle is caring for two kids under two and racing through dinner and bedtime routines. He has been in town a lot since Parker was born however most of the time since G was he has worked out of town 4 days a week. G is a terrible sleeper and we so have our own routine that he won't even let DH put him to bed or back to sleep the million times he wakes up at night. Yes... all reasons why DH can't help me.

    It still freaking sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. And it isn't fair, I told him not to take this job when I was pregnant with Gavin. I knew what I could and couldn't handle emotionally and one thing was losing my sense of self and being "just" a mom. I don't have any issue with the women who can do that but it just is not me.

    I have felt so depressed and at times resentful. And my absolute frustration at him will lead to me being much less patient with my toddler because I am so stressed out. No I am not mean to him or anything but I am a way better mom when I get to be me as well.

    Luckily my in laws really help and I am finally accepting the help. Felt silly to make them watch the kids just so I could ride... but they love it and I love it. And DH is starting to come around I hope.

    But I do think most men are this way. I think as the kids get older he will be better, for my husband a lot of it is a confidence thing too. Although he can really be ungrateful he really doesn't feel confident with both of them alone if I am not in the house, let alone off the farm!

    I have no tips... I talked myself blue in the face, cried, bitched, what have you. I just tell myself it won't be like this forever. I am buying some little kid outdoor toys for the boys and I should be able to have some horse time with them with me this spring and summer!



  11. #31
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2009
    Location
    Area 51
    Posts
    1,712

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    I am so glad that I have no desire to be a) a wife and b) a mother. These are like reading horror stories for me....
    I LOVE my Chickens!


    10 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Dec. 17, 2007
    Location
    Meadowview VA
    Posts
    2,184

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    My dad was always involved with us kids even though my mother stayed home when we were young. BUT my mother told me years later that when they were first married she had to "train" him....his mother had made his bed until he left home!!!



  13. #33
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2003
    Posts
    1,888

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    Quote Originally Posted by Megaladon View Post
    These are like reading horror stories for me....

    Uh, yeah, me too. I've got a 17 month old and would not put up with a lot of what some of you all do. While Mr. Loshad tends to work late, he's fantastic about getting kiddo ready in the morning and doing his share of chores and whatnot. If he thinks I'm getting to the end of my rope, he'll take Losh Jr. away for an hour and let me hang out in the house alone.

    I'm feeling pretty appreciative of Mr. Losh right about now. Maybe I ought to make him a sammich or something.
    According to the Mayan calendar, the world will not end this week. Please plan your life accordingly.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2005
    Location
    Spring, TX
    Posts
    495

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    Story of my life! I feel your pain!! Except now, I have teenagers and tweens that require far more time than they did as toddlers.
    My husband recently retired from the military only to take a job that requires extensive international travel. Boo!!!!!



  15. #35
    Join Date
    Mar. 11, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,505

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    lbm get outside help; hire it or trade for it or family. In my experience he will either get ticked off and not help at all or he will try for a while and then forget. they aren''t all that trainable and they don't change all that much.

    I remember very well being isolated and stressed and tired and lonely and frustrated. It created my computer addiction!

    I wouldn't wait around for him to go through a tune-up, figure out some other way and get yourself a break. I'm glad your baby is good; my oldest was very very difficult. I wouldn't go back to those days for anything, it was too hard.



  16. #36

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    Quote Originally Posted by soloudinhere View Post
    I work from home, so I get the "didn't you do X or Y" speech when I get home and I just say "I was working." He thinks I have infinite time. I love him but I want to punch him often and we DON'T have kids. Not sure what will happen when there's a kiddo but I know I will go insane. I have had weekends where I have gone to my parents house because I am exhausted and I can't even nap in my own house because husband-to-be can't just sit down, shut up, and let me relax.

    So you have my complete sympathies. I'm sure how you're feeling is much worse.
    This is my life, except being in my mid fifties, there are no kiddos on the horizon. My husband seems to think that since he works fulltime when he comes home his day is over. I cook, do the laundry, clean the house (I admit it isn't always clean) grocrey shop, etc. PLUS care for our 4 horses, one pony and 2 boarders in addition to my consuting work that I do from home. My husband is so freaking lazy that he won't put his clean clothes in his dresser. Trust me, I have left them sitting in the laundry basket in the bedroom for days on end and they just sit there.

    I effing want to scream. Why do men seem to think that once they're married they have a live in maid? To his credit, he does hay the horses in the morning and is pretty handy around the farm when it comes to fence repairs and the like.



  17. #37
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2008
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    794

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    I agree daddy needs to become more involved with the child care. When my four girls were little my work was at home as we were dairy farmers. I went to chores both ends of teh day with all four of them. Had swings hanging from the rafters, wheelbarrows filled with hay for the tinest, etc. We did what we had to do to make it all work. As kids got to be four or five they had chores that were in their ability to do. Some days I would offer to do chores(78cows) myself and send the kids ALL off with dad. I loved my time alone with the cows, minus the young ones. It was a refreshing break. I always found time to ride but of course we were all at home with the horses just out the window. I do recall wishing I could take a shower alone though. Generally it was used as a time to wash up the kids as well. I would get one washed, call dad, he'd come and get her, and I'd do up another one, repeat. AFter we separated then I had all four myself with no help, and often took the baby with me while inseminating cattle while gramma watched the rest.



  18. #38
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2007
    Location
    In my car, between work, home, and the barn!
    Posts
    359

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    So good to hear others' experiences with this. My DH is an extremely involved dad - a stay at home dad, in fact, while I work full-time (half-time from home). But his version of stay at home dad - and he admits it - is "keep the kids alive until mom gets home." I make the kids' lunches the night before and lay out their clothes or they'd be in their jammies eating goldfish crackers when I got home. DH does the dishes and washes clothes, but then dumps them in a pile for me to deal with at night and I don't think I've ever seen him pick up a toy. I have to specifically ask for him to get the kids outside in the yard to play or it won't happen.

    When I'm working from home I'm full-time mom, too, unless I get after him. I'll be typing away on work stuff and he'll just disappear downstairs to watch TV, leaving me with work and the kids. It's frustrating... stay at home dad is his job, just like I have a job; it's not something that gets in the way of him relaxing at home.

    We'd both be much happier if we switched roles, but at this point he couldn't match my income, not even close, and we just can't handle making that change financially.



  19. #39
    Join Date
    Dec. 10, 2001
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    1,840

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    Mr. Lawndart is self employed for the last thirty years. Childcare was up to me. My parents worked, his parents weren't willing to help.

    Pretty much it was me and three kids, especially after we moved 100 miles away from my Parents. It seems like forever when you are living thru it, but it will pass. Once they get to school age, it helps.

    Try to get out at least once a week to meet a friend, ride your horse, whatever, even if you have to hire a sitter.

    Raising your child is the most important thing you will ever do. While it is exasperating to have to do it yourself, you can do it, and do it well.

    Please disregard above if your spouse is slacking because of sheer laziness. Then you need to get out the Whip.
    OLD FRIENDS FARM-Equine Retirement-We LOVE Seniors!! Spoiling Retirees since 1998
    http://www.angelfire.com/oldfriendsfarm/home.html
    Charter Member of UYA!



  20. #40
    Join Date
    Sep. 9, 2007
    Location
    Charleston, SC
    Posts
    2,258

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    Go on mommy strike. Tell him..you have enough to do. He can now do his own laundry. There is no reason that he can not do his laundry.

    Sorry he is being a twit. That is many reasons WHY I never had a child with my ex. It would have been me working the demanding job, and him sitting on his duff letting the baby scream.
    OTTB - Hurricane Denton - Kane AKA Bubble boy
    Boxer - Tugger's - outlasted my marriage



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