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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
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    Default Should I be worried?

    My daughter met a young man on the bus home from the airport 2 weeks ago. She has gone out with him several times since then. She is about to turn 20 and he is about to turn 28, which isn't that big of a deal to me. What is weird is that she doesn't know his last name. She has all sorts of details, he's from California, his parents are divorced, he's a student getting a second degree from a nearby University, he lives about 40 minutes away. But without a last name, we have no way to confirm any of this. She has only met him in public places, and is pretty street-smart, but can also be naive. She has his cell phone number, they text each other frequently. But no last name? Is this strange to anyone else? She says she doesn't really care, and just never thought to ask, but they've gone on 3 dates now. I told her just to say something like - "Hey, I'd like to friend you on facebook, what's your last name?" But she won't. Does this creep anybody else out? I mean, he's probably not a serial killer, but he could have a wife and kids at home. Although, it's not like she's asked and he won't tell her, she just never asked.
    Thoughts?



  2. #2
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    Sep. 7, 2009
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    Yes, you should be worried. She needs a lot more info! Have you tried to reverse phone search his cell phone number?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    4 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Sep. 8, 2006
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    Default

    Frankly, what's weird to me is that it either hasn't occurred to your daughter or that she's been too hesitant to just ask. She needn't make a big deal of it: "Gee, it just occurs to me that we've been on three dates and I don't even know your last name!"

    But yeah, after three dates, she absolutely should know his last name.
    "Business!” cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. “Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were, all, my business.”


    12 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 2, 2005
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    Upstate NY
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    Default

    I am with Windsor. I can not get why a young lady would be hesitant to ask once she realized she had been so busy drooling she hadn't gotten that pretty darn important information yet.

    It is also weird that it has not been offered up by the guy. It seems like normal chit chat getting to know each other stuff.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    Default

    Does he know her last name? If so, how? Did she say, "I'm Jane Smith" or did he ask.

    Yes, creepy that she's going out with a nameless stranger.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Westford, Massachusetts
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    Default

    Yeah, she should certainly know his last name by now.

    When single, I was always pretty assertive about getting full-name, home address, home phone, before going on a date alone, from guys I met somewhere in public like that. Or on the Internet, of course. Guys I met at school, work, through friends, etc...I already had that information. 1) So I could check a few things out and make sure he wasn't married and 2) So I could give the information to a trustworthy friend, in case I did not return from a date on time. Basic looking after yourself stuff.

    She should just ask him. She could text him if it seems weird..."Ha, I feel so silly, but I've forgotten your last name, what is it again?". If he doesn't share it right away (or what's given doesn't check out with some basic Googling), alarm bells would go off for me.



  7. #7
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    Mar. 6, 2002
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    Oregon
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by hounddog View Post
    Thoughts?
    My thoughts, as a [married] 20-something, are that you are being a little overbearing. What, exactly, do you plan to do when you find out his last name? Run a background check on him? Verify all his "stories"? Have him followed? I'm all for being cautious, but they've been on THREE DATES in public places.

    I get that you're concerned and you're her mother, so you have a right to be worried, but MAN am I glad my mother didn't feel the need to butt into my social life like this when I was 20 (and I turned out all right). Trust her, trust her judgment. Don't worry. I'm sure I did some things that gave my mother grey hairs, but she trusted me and I've always appreciated that.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug. 1, 2007
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    West Palm Beach, FL
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heinz 57 View Post
    My thoughts, as a [married] 20-something, are that you are being a little overbearing. What, exactly, do you plan to do when you find out his last name? Run a background check on him? Verify all his "stories"? Have him followed? I'm all for being cautious, but they've been on THREE DATES in public places.

    I get that you're concerned and you're her mother, so you have a right to be worried, but MAN am I glad my mother didn't feel the need to butt into my social life like this when I was 20 (and I turned out all right). Trust her, trust her judgment. Don't worry. I'm sure I did some things that gave my mother grey hairs, but she trusted me and I've always appreciated that.
    Agreed. I honestly don't see it as such a big deal. Then again, I'm not a parent. I went on several dates (public places, etc) with a guy before I found out his last name, and only then I just happened to see it on his credit card. It's not a huge deal.

    Chill.
    People call themselves animal lovers, then let their dogs chase the squirrels. You're scaring the shit out of the squirrels, you schmuck!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    She should just ask him.
    Agree with this.

    Don't agree with this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    ..."Ha, I feel so silly, but I've forgotten your last name, what is it again?".
    She has every right to forthrightly know this man's name, and should not be painting herself as either silly for asking for it, or as both a silly & forgetful woman who can't remember it. Besides, he knows perfectly well he never gave it to her, so pretending "oh, silly dithery me...I've forgotten," women don't do that anymore.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    Default

    OP: Is it possible that she does know his last name but is concerned that sharing it will create some kind of problem within your family. (Maybe Uncle Joe hates Albanians or something.) It would have to be a pretty severe concern to lie about something.

    Then again casual dates in public places are pretty benign. For my part, I couldn't imagine not knowing the name of someone I had met for a date three times.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”



  11. #11
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    Jul. 22, 2008
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    Rochester, NY
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    Default

    I also find it weirder that she won't ask than that she doesn't know. I'm leaning towards she won't do so because Mom is pressuring it a bit. Young defiance and all.

    I'd back down a little, Mom. Curiosity will get the better of her sooner rather than later.
    bar.ka think u al.l. susp.ect
    free bar.ka and tidy rabbit


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Mar. 11, 2007
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    Montana
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    I don't see how a "what's your last name anyway" doesn't enter the conversation by this point... My daughter is still young but if she were in your daughter's situation I'd tell her I need to know his last night so I know who to tell the police to investigate if she turns up missing.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    I know a few young women who do NOT tell mama his last name, because they know mama is going to run to the computer, so it is certainly possible the young lady knows and is just saying, "I never asked him."

    A woman I know sends FB friend requests to every young man her daughter has dated. This kid has stopped telling last names out of pure self-defense.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    Default

    Raises red flags for me. What's he hiding that he doesn't want anyone to know? Or maybe she knows it and knows you won't like it when you hear it.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Default

    Okay, I asked a man, 27yo, the OP's question, verbatim as in the 1st post. Here's what I got back:

    # 1: No, this isn't creepy. I'm also not flabbergasted when I see a woman's ankle. The whole rant can be distilled down to: But without a last name, we have no way to confirm any of this. Mommy wants to know more about Mr. Whatsits. Mommy doesn't know the last name. That's really why Mommy's upset. I find it believable that Sally doesn't know the last name of her beau, but more likely that just Mom doesn't.

    Before you know it, kids are going to be getting married without seeking the approval of both sets of parents! (As if parents stay in sets anymore....)

    What I do find creepy is a 27/28 year old dating a 20 year old. The rule is half your age, plus 7—that's the cut-off point. Dude's riding a fine line, definitely wants to score and bail. But the red flag is not the last name, or lack thereof.


    The age equation I think is from xkcd, so those who love that strip will get the joke.

    #2: As for what I've done, usually if I see a person more than once, I know their last name. But that's just personal style: I like the Quaker cowboy ethos of introducing oneself by first and last name. When I meet someone, I like to know both their names, and mine them for etymological associations, and that's how I file that person in my mind for later. I like letting those word memories color our conversations over the time that we know each other. It's a weird sense of ancestor worship.

    Not saying that's representative of my generation, of course.

    Moreover, 20 year old girls are often pretty stupid—they still feel like gods when men perceive them as attractive—and any 27 year old guy knows how to exploit that. He probably didn't even have to tell her his last name, because he was all strong mystery and wise experience to her verdant little stalk of a mind. Fish in a barrel, man. Mom's barking up the wrong tree, worrying about the lack of a last name.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Harrisburg, PA USA
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    ^^ these emails made me burst out laughing, because I personally know the writer, who has been beating off women since he was in junior high school, and who, although he treats the women he dates like gold, is very observant of what he sees happening in other relationships or, perhaps more accurately, encounters, going on in his peer group.



  17. #17
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    Dec. 29, 2012
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    La La Land
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    I could be wrong, but there is a reason she is hesitant to ask the last name. Mabey he gave her the dont ask to many questions vibe. With the age difference that is what is alarming. I really dont care about age difference, DH and I have some, but combined with the fact she is uncomfortable to ask...
    If he wants to see her he can cough up the info. Tell her its ok to play a tiny bit of hard to get.



  18. #18
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    Aug. 1, 2007
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    West Palm Beach, FL
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne FS View Post
    Okay, I asked a man, 27yo, the OP's question, verbatim as in the 1st post. Here's what I got back:

    # 1: No, this isn't creepy. I'm also not flabbergasted when I see a woman's ankle. The whole rant can be distilled down to: But without a last name, we have no way to confirm any of this. Mommy wants to know more about Mr. Whatsits. Mommy doesn't know the last name. That's really why Mommy's upset. I find it believable that Sally doesn't know the last name of her beau, but more likely that just Mom doesn't.

    Before you know it, kids are going to be getting married without seeking the approval of both sets of parents! (As if parents stay in sets anymore....)

    What I do find creepy is a 27/28 year old dating a 20 year old. The rule is half your age, plus 7—that's the cut-off point. Dude's riding a fine line, definitely wants to score and bail. But the red flag is not the last name, or lack thereof.


    The age equation I think is from xkcd, so those who love that strip will get the joke.

    #2: As for what I've done, usually if I see a person more than once, I know their last name. But that's just personal style: I like the Quaker cowboy ethos of introducing oneself by first and last name. When I meet someone, I like to know both their names, and mine them for etymological associations, and that's how I file that person in my mind for later. I like letting those word memories color our conversations over the time that we know each other. It's a weird sense of ancestor worship.

    Not saying that's representative of my generation, of course.

    Moreover, 20 year old girls are often pretty stupid—they still feel like gods when men perceive them as attractive—and any 27 year old guy knows how to exploit that. He probably didn't even have to tell her his last name, because he was all strong mystery and wise experience to her verdant little stalk of a mind. Fish in a barrel, man. Mom's barking up the wrong tree, worrying about the lack of a last name.
    HILARIOUS!
    People call themselves animal lovers, then let their dogs chase the squirrels. You're scaring the shit out of the squirrels, you schmuck!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 1999
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    Asked one other person, this one a 27yo woman:

    She says:

    "So far, agree most strongly with the last three sentences of [27yo man's] last email. Mom claims that the girl is street smart, but then confesses that she's naive; I understood that those are mutually exclusive. Mom probably does have something to worry about, and it's not the man's lack of voluntary information divulgence.

    "As for your original question, I probably wouldn't date someone I met on the bus, whether I knew his last name or not. There'd be absolutely no reason for me to even consider him as enjoyable future company, let alone someone I would want to spend enough time with alone in order to get better acquainted. But, that's probably just me...."


    3 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Michigan
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anne FS View Post
    Asked one other person, this one a 27yo woman:

    She says:

    "So far, agree most strongly with the last three sentences of [27yo man's] last email. Mom claims that the girl is street smart, but then confesses that she's naive; I understood that those are mutually exclusive. Mom probably does have something to worry about, and it's not the man's lack of voluntary information divulgence.

    "As for your original question, I probably wouldn't date someone I met on the bus, whether I knew his last name or not. There'd be absolutely no reason for me to even consider him as enjoyable future company, let alone someone I would want to spend enough time with alone in order to get better acquainted. But, that's probably just me...."
    I don't have a problem with Mom worrying. And I'd want to know if it's really a case of the daughter doesn't know, or the daughter knows and isn't telling? Especially if she admits her daughter is not actually all that street-smart. I also do have a problem with someone not divulging something as basic as a last name, if it's GENUINELY a case he didn't tell her, and not he said it once, she forgot, and now she's embarrassed to ask him.

    I have to wonder, though...what's wrong with dating someone you met on a bus? Is there something wrong with riding a bus? I mean, YOU are on the bus, if you're considering dating someone you met on the bus. I guess maybe the woman's point is she has little chance of meeting someone she has something in common with on the bus, but the same could be said about anywhere. There's no reason to think someone you meet at work or in a bar is enjoyable future company (and compared to a bar, chances are higher the guy on the bus is sober when you meet.) That just seems like an odd distinction to make, judging someone as uninteresting entirely based on being on the bus, especially considering making that determination presupposes you are also on the bus....


    2 members found this post helpful.

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