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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 4, 2010
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    Default How much privacy should couples give each other?

    I was having a conversation with a friend recently, and she mentioned that her boyfriend had access to her email account.

    DH and I have been together for 12 years, married for 6 of those, and I found it downright WEIRD that my friend shared her email and FB account info with a boyfriend (who she's only been seeing for a few months).

    I found it even weirder that she thought that was totally okay and normal. It has never, ever occurred to me that my husband should give me access to his email; nor would I expect that from him.

    I expressed this to my friend, and she said "Well I don't have anything to hide." Well, I don't have anything to hide from my DH, either. In fact, my email mostly contains FB notifications and notices that I paid this bill or another online. I don't even really communicate with friends using email. And I STILL would find it odd if DH thought he deserved access to my email account.

    As it turns out, my DH did give me his email password this week so I could check the status of an order ASAP. I found that email, got the info I needed, and I threw away the paper with his password on it. I respect his privacy enough that I don't feel entitled to trawl through his email and "see what I find."

    DH and I clearly agree on boundaries when it comes to personal privacy, but apparently others feel the need to be more open with each other. Is it becoming more normal to have this kind of lack of privacy in a relationship? Or maybe I way overly-private and this is a totally normal things? How many of you have access to your SO's personal email or FB page?
    In order to think outside the box, one must first know what is in the box.


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  2. #2
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    Mar. 3, 2007
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    North-Central IL
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    Default

    I think it's weird. There's a lot of over-sharing in today's world, I've noticed. Like sharing the bathroom, simultaneously. In the morning. Doing you-know-what while the spouse is showering. I was told I'm a prude, frankly I think some people are heathens And people feeling free to snoop through the boyfriend/girlfriend's phone at any opportunity. There aren't as many boundaries and as much trust as there used to be.
    Quarry Rat


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Oct. 4, 2010
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    Middle America
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Mosey_2003 View Post
    I think it's weird. There's a lot of over-sharing in today's world, I've noticed.....There aren't as many boundaries and as much trust as there used to be.
    Mosey, that's kind of what I was attributing this to. I'm only 32, but my friend is just enough younger than me, that I will admit I had a little bit of "Kids these days" in the back of my head while we had this conversation.

    My initial reaction to her story was, "Wait, he was going through your EMAIL?? That is TOTALLY NOT OKAY!!" When she responded, "Eh, I gave him the password...I mean, I don't have anything to hide," I started to wonder if I was in an alternate universe. To each their own, but man...just seems like you're asking for trouble, being so nosey.
    In order to think outside the box, one must first know what is in the box.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Westford, Massachusetts
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    Default

    I think it's weird too. DH and I don't share any email accounts at all. I know a fair number of couples who have a joint email..."JoeAndMary@XYZ" or "TheSmiths@...". That's a bit different than giving your spouse the password to your personal email, but I still think it's odd. DH and I are individuals, with individual friends, interests and online activities. I have no interest in the contents of his email and he has no interest in mine either.

    I guess if one spouse is not computer literate it might make sense...my mother used to have to print out my father's email for him to read because he refused to touch a computer but his students (he taught college and law school classes part-time well into retirement) expected to be able to email him.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 2007
    Location
    Gettysburg, PA
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    Default

    My e-mail is also the farm e-mail and the thought of my DH responding to horse inquiries would give me nightmares It's brown, 4 legs and likes cookies Unless it's something for his car or Christamas, he normally sends all the order confirmations to my e-mail. Seems odd to want each others e-mail, we have separate interests and friends and if I didn't trust him wouldn't be much of a realtionship
    Epona Farm
    Irish Draughts and Irish Sport horses

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    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2008
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    Default

    Count me as someone who thinks that's super weird. My DH will occasionally ask me to check his email for him to find a specific thing when he's on the road, etc., but I'm not the kind of person to purposefully go through his personal stuff. We have a very good, trusting relationship and both of us generally just stay logged into our email, fb, etc. on our respective computers, but there isn't any weird snooping going on.

    I also find the sharing the bathroom thing just GROSS. DH grew up with 4 siblings and it was (and still is!) not uncommon for one sibling to be in the shower and other siblings going in and out of the bathroom to use the toilet, do hair and makeup, brush teeth, etc. I'm basically horrified by it.

    However, there is NO REASON to give a person you are dating your passwords! Yikes!
    Proud member of the "I'm In My 20's and Hope to Be a Good Rider Someday" clique

    PONY'TUDE


    3 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
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    Oct. 16, 2008
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    Central Oklahoma
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    Default

    Well, my husband and I each have an email account, and we both know each other's password - we just never bothered to check each other's email. He has bunch of football stuff and I have bunch of dressage stuff, and we each think if we want to waste our time somehow, we'd waste it on something we enjoy. Checking another person's email is definitely not one of them.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
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    Default

    I don't think it's weird to have access to each other's email. we sometimes use each other's iPads and whatnot. I could walk over now and search his emails if I wanted. (I never have, but I could.)

    He would never dream of replying to my emails but I would never dream of logging out before he checks ESPN.COM for basketball updates, either.

    I am not a huge fan of sharing the bathroom with DH, but it no longer fazes me since I have a 3 year old. I haven't peed in private for years.

    Plus, our house, which is otherwise lovely, has half-pocket doors to the toilet from the master bedroom/sink area. They are such a PITA to close that at night we can always hear each other, though you can't see. Not a huge fan of the "open concept" bathroom but our other bathrooms are a hike so we have both learned to deal.

    Dating? No way on either account.



  9. #9
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    Mar. 3, 2007
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    Not a huge fan of the "open concept" bathroom but our other bathrooms are a hike so we have both learned to deal.

    Dating? No way on either account.
    This is where you use the patented "Run for coffee first thing in the morning" maneuver, take care of your business AND seem like a doting girlfriend
    Quarry Rat



  10. #10
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    Sep. 2, 2008
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    Greeley, Colorado
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    Default

    My SO and I have been dating for 3 years now and living together for 1 1/2. He's 30 and I'm 25. At one point in time we knew each other's passwords but it was more of "hey go check this for me" than anything else. Right now I couldn't tell you his password if I tried. I think it's weird to have unlimited access. I like my privacy
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct. 24, 2001
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    Virginia
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    Default

    Huh. The SO and I live together, and at any time either of us could open the other's laptop and access their email, I guess. But I can't see why either of us would. The closest we've come is me having to read him alerts that pop up on his iPhone when he's forgotten his glasses But then again, I also don't get sharing the bathroom to do more than brush your teeth.

    Neither of us expect to merge into one person, we've both got our own things going on and our own interests. The idea creeps me out a little, frankly.


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  12. #12
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    Feb. 18, 2012
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    knee deep in Oregon mud
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    Default

    I am a very private person by nature and the idea of giving passwords to anyone, for any reason, just seems wrong.

    My phone and laptop stay logged in to my email and facebook and so do his, but aside from one of us asking the other to check something we never go into each other's accounts or check each other's phones.

    We will sometimes share the bathroom to brush our teeth, but that is it. Nobody is welcome in the bathroom while I am using the toilet and there is nothing in the bathroom that can't wait until he gets done either.
    It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.
    Theodore Roosevelt
    Wild Maple Designs - Equestrian inspired apparel.


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  13. #13
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    Oct. 4, 2010
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    Middle America
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    Default

    I'm not quite sure how the bathroom etiquette issue surfaced alongside email passwords...

    But the funny thing about that is, that the friend in my initial post? Who gave her (barely) boyfriend her email and FB passwords? She'd NEVER, not in a million years, allow anyone into the bathroom while she was using it.

    So that makes me
    In order to think outside the box, one must first know what is in the box.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2012
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    Default

    Maybe it is generational as I'm mid-twenties and my husband and I could care less that the other knows each others passwords. I'm not even sure how we came about having them but I'm sure it went something along the lines of hey I can't get to a computer but can you check this for me here is my password. It was just never a big deal. I will say I would never give out my password to someone that I wasn't extremely serious about and had dated for awhile. If we broke up you bet the passwords would be changed.



  15. #15
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    Aug. 25, 2012
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    Default

    Oh and yea the bathroom sharing during anything that involves the toilet is a no go! Gotta leave a little some things private!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
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    Dutchess County, New York
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    Default

    How much privacy should couples give each other? As much or as little as they want!

    One size does not fit all, and my basic rule for living (formerly my basic rule for parenting) is: IF IT WORKS, DO IT.

    So, if whatever level of privacy is working for the couple -- they should do it!

    Just because it wouldn't work for you doesn't mean THEY shouldn't do it.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2007
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    2,520

    Default

    We have separate Facebooks, emails, and our phones are on passlock (though that's mostly to keep OTHER people out, as well as his kid who can get a bit grabby with the phones.)

    we currently share my computer but he is getting his own, but whenever he uses it I exit out of Firefox and open Safari for him to use as I do not feel like logging out of all my accounts that I have saved to stay logged in on Firefox. I have nothing to hide but my emails and Facebook and private messages on the boards I frequent are my business. If I was really paranoid I wouldn't even let him touch my computer without me hovering over it watching what he's doing.



  18. #18
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    Nov. 3, 2008
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    351

    Default

    We're sort of in the middle. We share one laptop. He doesn't know my password, but I leave my accounts logged in. Maybe if I was really into football or bikini girls we might have a problem with him looking through my stuff - the current horses, work, and cooking related content, not so much I do have his passwords because he often wants to order things online or pay bills. He's fairly computer illiterate and it's just less painful for the both of us if I do some things for him. We've been living together I think 7 years now and I still would not consider sharing the bathroom with him. He knows how much that grosses me out and likes to annoy me by coming in once a week or so when I'm in the shower and pretending he's urgently got to go. I always fall for it because what if this is the time he's not joking?



  19. #19
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    May. 30, 2006
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    23

    Default

    Well, since hubby is pretty tech illiterate, I'm the one that created all of his passwords for him He uses the desktop computer and I mostly use my laptop. Both are always signed into email and facebook. Neither one cares what the other one sees....nothing to hide or even worry about being misconstrued. If I was dating somebody and they demanded I give them my passwords, the only thing I would be giving them was a swift kick in the arse straight out of my world. RED FLAG ALERT!


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  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
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    NorthEast
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    Default

    How much privacy would probably be a couple by couple thing.

    I'm middle aged, married 15 years/together 18...we don't keep any secrets from one another that I'm aware of.
    We each have our own laptops, I have no idea what his password is to get onto his and he doesn't know mine. The topic just never came up. Although neither would have a problem if one or the other had to get onto either laptop, we'd tell each other the password.
    My husband changes his passwords all the time, I can barely remember my single one. So we're opposites there, LOL!

    I will exclude him by name on FB for certain articles or jokes I "share" with family and friends. We have a kind of twisted sense of humor, Mr Blue doesn't and he gets offended by some stuff easily. So for marital peace, I just click the "hide from" and his name. Not that I don't want him to know what I've shared, I don't want to hear the lecture on my "warped" mind.

    We do not pee in front of each other. This isn't boot camp and there's a reason the master bathroom has a door. We know enough of each others' daily stuff...I do not need to know his bladder and bowel functions thankyouverymuch.

    And I'd smack the hell out of ANYONE going through my purse. And there isn't a darned thing in there that needs privacy. That's just an "off limits' area for me. And I'd never go through his wallet either. Not sure why the purse is my line in the sand.

    I think if a couple decide jointly to share passwords, perfectly fine. I think if one person in a couple insists on the passwords of the other person, even if they offer to share their own too, to me that's a big red flag. A bit too controlling/insecure.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



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