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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 29, 2011
    Posts
    14

    Default It wouldn't be OT Day without another relationship thread...

    Le Sigh.

    I wish I didn't have to write this.

    I'm unhappy. The man I'm married to used to be a good man But now.... He's lazy, whiny, ungrateful and just plain MEAN. Up until a month or so ago, he had become a binge drinker (no, he did not do this earlier in our relationship). He came home drunk yet again and woke me up in the middle of the night because he wanted to tell me just how wonderful I am and how much he appreciates everything I do for him. Last fall, he got severely drunk and shoved me down the hall way because I wouldn't immediately move. We were having a small party and he had become unstable, so I was trying to divert his attention while shoo'ing the partgoers home. He frequently calls me a controlling, manipulative bitch (basically anytime I upset him) and various other names. He hates our dogs (MY dogs, he says) and threatens them with bodily harm when they don't stay quiet or behave properly. I do worry that someday he might hurt them (and have told him as much - and what I will do to him if he does). Today, I took him with me to help load hay - and he complained the ENTIRE time, threw me dirty looks and said the hay wasn't worth what we were paying. They're MY horses, anyway, ya know, why should he have to help do anything.

    I'm tired of having to act as his babysitter. I pay the bills, do all the shopping and the chores because he just won't. He sleeps late and without regard for anything or anyone else (and God save you if you wake him up, unless you want to be called names and attacked for "bugging" him). Nearly every dish in our kitchen is dirty in the sink because I gave up trying to clean up after him. He spends money without keeping track of it and I end up having to scrape and sell things (MY things!) at the end of the month so we don't get behind on the bills. I want nothing to do with him physically - I hate to admit it but I resent him. He's done nothing but complain about how awful our house is (the one he says I picked out, he never wanted it) since we moved in, how much work all the animals are (and he never wanted any of them either), and how much of a bitch I am, nagging him all the time and never letting him do anything. I believe he's depressed, but there's nothing I can do.

    I am not this woman and I don't know how I ended up married to such a horrible person. I am not some weak little flower that shrinks at harsh words, this man has made me angrier than anyone I can remember and we've had some knock-down drag outs. I've only told one friend how he really is - I couldn't bring myself to tell my friends or family what he's done. About a month ago (when he came home drunk...), I told him he could either quit drinking altogether or leave. He did not want to leave, so he's quit drinking. His attitude has improved marginally, but it still leaves a lot to be desired. And I still resent him. I don't know if I can let that go.

    Sometimes I think I want to be rid of him. But I can't afford to pay all of the bills just on my salary alone. I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish by blasting this story to the wide world of COTH, but maybe just getting it off my chest will be help enough.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,447

    Default

    You need to move onward and upward.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    9 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2000
    Location
    Full time in Delhi, NY!
    Posts
    6,398

    Default

    Begin planning your exit strategy. Find a friend who loves horses and dogs who needs a roommate. Separate your finances. See a lawyer. Remember everything until you file for divorce is marital property. After that, it's all yours, so file quickly.

    Perhaps moving out will smarten him up. If not, at least you and your pets are out of the way. If he's the vindictive type (even if just when he's drunk), I'd try to find foster homes for your pets so he doesn't know where they are.

    I'd also get into counseling. If you can't afford it, read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay".

    I wish you the best of luck.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Location
    Ocala
    Posts
    1,268

    Default

    Staying for the money is a really bad idea, unless you have kids involved. Do you really want to be living this way next year? Five years from now? Ten? Are you going to wait until he actually hurts one of your animals or even you?

    A separation for a while wouldnt be a bad idea. Either shake him back to reality, or you realize you can happily live without him.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2002
    Posts
    4,737

    Default

    as someone who has exited stage left a couple of times i really feel for you. but let me tell you how FREAKING FABULOUS it is to be free of the person who uses you.

    so yes, contact a lawyer (it's monday now, you can do it!)
    and start making plans. it's not easy to give it all up, believe me i know, and the hardest part is the animals for sure.
    i am so sorry you are here now, but a year from now you could be in an entirely different place and feeling 100% better about things.


    i'm leaving home soon myself, and while scared sh!tless am also excited to have a new adventure and relieved the end is in sight.
    (i am leaving with my dh--we are selling our home and leaving our work caring for the disabled at home--it's time for us)


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2009
    Posts
    703

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by halo View Post
    Staying for the money is a really bad idea, unless you have kids involved. Do you really want to be living this way next year? Five years from now? Ten? Are you going to wait until he actually hurts one of your animals or you?
    I'd argue that if there were kids involved, it'd be even more vital to end this, not less. Adults can make their own choices. Kids need us.

    OP, I hope you end things. If you aren't ready to do so, would he consider counseling? It may be hard to find a counselor. Many font want to offer therapy to abusive situations, in fear of giving the abuser more power and more knowledge of the victim's weaknesses.

    And this is abuse. The name calling, the blaming, the threatening your pets? Emotional abuse. And the shoving was physical abuse. Did the getting drunk and shoving you happen before or after he "stopped" drinking?

    I'm worried for you and your animals, OP.

    If he is depressed, you cannot help him. You can't help those who don't want help, and you are not obligated to help those who are hurting you. The man you married seems to be gone. Have you asked him about depression? You don't have to, but I know it's hard to leave someone you think is struggling. His response might ease your mind.

    To be clear, he is abusing you. It doesn't matter if he's doing it bc he is drunk or depressed or whatever. You don't have to hang around while he fixes whatever the issue is. Your right to safety, physically and emotionally, trumps all.

    Stay safe.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2008
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,083

    Default

    Heew boy. I was you, last year. This year, I get to pay it forward.

    You do have to get him to leave or get real help. It's not going to get better, I promise. It will be hard after, but not as hard as staying. You can manage with a roommate, and you can downsize. It hurts, and it's hard. You have to #1, start telling people what's going on, and #2, accept the help they give you.

    As Suz said, where do you want to be next year? I am ok. I wouldn't be, if I had stayed.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,779

    Default

    I don't know how things are going for you, but please leave or get rid of him. Abuse escalates, and one physical push won't be the end of it. Abusers are always sorry about what they've done, and you simply can't believe anything will change. Save yourself, save your animals, you need to get away and stay away.

    You can't fix someone else's problems, and you need to get yourself and your animals to safety.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 29, 2011
    Posts
    14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by halo View Post
    Staying for the money is a really bad idea, unless you have kids involved. Do you really want to be living this way next year? Five years from now? Ten? Are you going to wait until he actually hurts one of your animals or even you?

    A separation for a while wouldnt be a bad idea. Either shake him back to reality, or you realize you can happily live without him.
    No, I do not want to be living this same life a year from now. He will be gone this coming weekend, leaves Thursday evening and won't return until Sunday. I plan to use the time to do some thinking, possibly some planning. I simply cannot afford to pay ALL the bills on my salary alone and need to figure out how I'm going to pay those. I've got three horses and three dogs to worry about - if I had to, I could find homes for everyone but my "heart dog" and "heart horse"...those two are special cases, that I could never let go of anyway. They've both been with me since before marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by JanM View Post
    I don't know how things are going for you, but please leave or get rid of him. Abuse escalates, and one physical push won't be the end of it. Abusers are always sorry about what they've done, and you simply can't believe anything will change. Save yourself, save your animals, you need to get away and stay away.

    You can't fix someone else's problems, and you need to get yourself and your animals to safety.
    We've recently broached the subject of divorce. He knows it's a possibility. If it becomes a reality, he will leave, not me. He never wanted this house, or these animals, or me, for that matter, if you listen to what he says. The house is in my [maiden] name only, he never wanted to be on the loan and the down payment came out of MY inheritance before we were ever married, so as long as he signs off on letting me have it in the divorce papers it shall remain mine.

    That last line is what gives me pause. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it never will be what it once was, again. I need to feel sure that the marriage is no longer salvageable. I have started telling people what is going on, but man, I hate the pity looks.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb. 13, 2007
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Posts
    3,055

    Default

    The pity looks will stop if you tell people that he was drunk and shoved you, and really who gives a rats patooty what someone thinks anyway, it's your life!!!

    Make your plans, and do look into alimony (at least for awhile) if he earns more than you. I would contact a good divorce attorney and find out what your options are. Being miserable is no fun, it's going to surpirse you when you look back at what you were willing to put up with, trust me on that one.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 29, 2011
    Posts
    14

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Acertainsmile View Post
    The pity looks will stop if you tell people that he was drunk and shoved you, and really who gives a rats patooty what someone thinks anyway, it's your life!!!

    Make your plans, and do look into alimony (at least for awhile) if he earns more than you. I would contact a good divorce attorney and find out what your options are. Being miserable is no fun, it's going to surpirse you when you look back at what you were willing to put up with, trust me on that one.
    Oh, I've told them the whole story. I've always hated the pity, and have mostly kept life's drama to myself even as a kid. Feeling other people's sympathy and pity forces me to address my own feelings, I suppose.

    If anything, I'd have to pay him alimony. I make nearly twice what he does, we afford the bills relatively easily together but on my salary alone I end up a few hundred short. I worked for a while as a legal secretary and do have some contacts that I can talk with about how to handle a divorce, off the record. It sounds ridiculous, but I really don't want to hurt him, so this is hard for me.



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,779

    Default

    You can't live your life not wanting to disappoint people. You need to be safe, and secure, and not fearing the next fight, or the next scary incident. If and when he leaves you can get roommates. There are several people on here that are looking for roommate situations, where they can take animals, so put a 'roommate wanted' ad on here. There have been many people talking retirement or relocation and need somewhere that will take their animals too. There are possibilities out there, and you can do this.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



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