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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 30, 2008
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    Default When you meet the one...except for one small thing

    Has anyone else dated someone, realized that they were sooo right for you in nearly every way, but you just can't seem to get past one issue (no, I'm not disclosing the issue)? I met someone a couple of years ago and we dated for a few months. I'm not desperate to settle down--maybe the opposite actually--but this fella was right in so many ways. I ended things awkwardly yet we've stayed in casual contact and had brunch last weekend. Spending time with him is an absolute pleasure, we "click" over so much, but yet I still hesitate to even attempt anything but casual friends over what is probably a minor issue. Gah! He even won my friends over.

    Not sure what I'm looking for with this thread, maybe just some commiseration, but I'd gladly accept any advice you have to offer.
    Flip a coin. It's not what side lands that matters, but what side you were hoping for when the coin was still in the air.

    You call it boxed wine. I call it carboardeaux.



  2. #2
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    Feb. 14, 2003
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    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
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    Default

    Mr. CC chewed tobacco when we met...a huge, gross, nasty turn off for me, yet in all sorts of ways, he and I clicked. I"m sure there was a turn off for him regarding me, too, but he's never mentioned any (smart man!). Anyhoo-- after 5 years together, he quit. He decided one day that he was done, and using the "gum" method, he no longer chews. There are some personality issues that irritate me, but in the bigger picture, I defy any couple to say those aren't present. He has political and social views I do not share, but we discuss and move on.

    Unless this issue is a total deal-breaker, I'd give him a chance to grow on you. You might be surprised in the end! (and, you know, I'm sitting here imagining all sorts of "deal-breakers" now that you said you wouldn't divulge his issue!! )
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    Default

    As long as you aren't turning a blind eye to something that makes your intuition clang until you shush yourself, probably it can be okay. Do your friends know whatever your reservation is?
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



  4. #4
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    Aug. 28, 2007
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    Triangle Area, NC
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    Default

    I have one of those.
    It depends on the issue and what you can honestly accept.
    Mine is 32 and still doesn't know what he wants out of his professional life.
    He used to be neurotic as hell but after 4 years together I've realized it's because he's genius level intelligence with zero common sense, and his aptitude was never nurtured.... But he growing now, and that's what counts.
    He may know what he wants when he's 50 and that's fine.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
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    TX
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    Default

    Yes, decades ago and it was a deal breaker.
    He started drinking whiskey at 6 pm and passing out about 9-10 pm, every day.
    Otherwise, wonderful, wonderful fellow beyond words.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    Default

    Drinking is definitely a deal-breaker for me. I don't date women who have to be in a state of inebriation to have a good time.
    SPACE FOR RENT


    3 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2003
    Location
    N. Augusta, SC (but forever a BUCKEYE!)
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    Default

    My husband informed me three weeks ago (after being together for 13 years and being married for 8) that he can't stand my first name because it reminds him of a mean lady from his childhood. LOLOL. Fortunately, he's tolerated it for over a decade and hasn't resorted to calling me some sort of awful nickname.
    Random horse pics http://www.flickr.com/photos/glfprncs/
    Talk to me about fitness or nutrition (I'm an A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer)!
    My blog! http://personalsweatequity.blogspot.com/


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Aug. 25, 2008
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    Florida
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    Yes, decades ago and it was a deal breaker.
    He started drinking whiskey at 6 pm and passing out about 9-10 pm, every day.
    Otherwise, wonderful, wonderful fellow beyond words.
    Yeah, that would do it for me. What kind of life would that BE, anyway?



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2009
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    College View
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    Default

    My theory is what I call the 90/10 rule. If 90% of the person is absolutely perfect and 10% is not, but is something that could potentially be lived with... NOT talking about stuff like infidelity, alcoholism, gambling, domestic abuse, wanting kids vs. not wanting kids, etc, etc.... I guess looking for 100% is really a lot to ask for and you may never settle with anybody, because you are looking for the person you see in the mirror. If they have a disgusting neon track suit they love and won't get rid of.... don't pass them up because of that....

    And don't marry someone and then think that it will be OK because you will eventually change this, that and the other about them... because what happens if you can't?? Then what??


    9 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
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    Upstate New York
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    Default

    Jen-s - sounds to me as if you're having second thoughts, since this is bothering you.

    I can't tolerate smokers, though. Simply can't physically.
    And probably if someone smelled funny, too. Also true with too much cologne! Just a darn sensitive set of lungs and nose.

    My exSO, speaking of the manners chain, was weird about chewing. He was noisy. Can't describe it, and never met anyone else like that. And he cleaned up very well, too. But I learned to ignore it since it was always out of earshot of fellow diners when eating out. Would just encourage the conversation, as he was always good about that.

    You say "small thing", and I was wondering if it was height. That might stop me too, at first. But if I get to know someone, often the physical isn't as important as their attitude towards me. Very, very hard to resist someone who truly cares for you, and works hard to make you happy. And has almost everything else going for them.

    Good luck deciding whether to go forward, keep treading water, or swim in another direction.
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jul. 26, 2007
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    717

    Default

    Happiness is up to the individual. If his issue is something that can't exist with your vision for your life, it won't work. If his issue is something that annoys you but that otherwise doesn't interfere with your vision of what you want your life to be like, then maybe he is worth it.

    Substance abuse, prejudice against skin color or lifestyle choices, cigarette smoking, being mean, being controlling, or being greedy are my personal dealbreakers. Everyone has a different list, I'm sure.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    May. 20, 2008
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    851

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jen-s View Post
    Has anyone else dated someone, realized that they were sooo right for you in nearly every way, but you just can't seem to get past one issue (no, I'm not disclosing the issue)?
    In short, YES. And no, never got over the one thing and continued on my way, single.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Aug. 25, 2012
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    Default

    I think you have gotten some great advice here. No one is going to be 100% perfect and if it is a small issue I'd overlook it. Since you aren't willing to disclose the issue can't say for certain that you are being unreasonable.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Mar. 14, 2004
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    Left coast, left wing, left field
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kwalker024 View Post
    I think you have gotten some great advice here. No one is going to be 100% perfect and if it is a small issue I'd overlook it. Since you aren't willing to disclose the issue can't say for certain that you are being unreasonable.
    I respect the OP for not disclosing because seriously, how could you or I or anyone else decide if the OP was being reasonable? People aren't all the same. What if the OP said "he's shorter than I am" (just an example) -- does she really need 40 people saying "I don't think that's a good reason!" I think all we can really say (those of us who haven't had a similar situation) is that it is YOUR decision and yours alone, what you can live with and what you can't. Perhaps it's worth pushing your limits of tolerance a teeny bit to see how it works out, but if it's a dealbreaker it's a dealbreaker, regardless of what it is.
    Arrange whatever pieces come your way. - Virginia Woolf

    Did you know that if you say the word "GULLIBLE" really softly, it sounds like "ORANGES"?


    7 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Alabama
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    Default

    You are the only one who can decide if the one item is truly a deal breaker for you. If there is something that drives you bonkers now, imagine what it will do to you in 10 years, or longer. Some things I could tolerate, but there are somethings that I could never stand, and couldn't live with. Don't count on promises to change either, because a lot of us promise, but never do.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2003
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    Middleburg, VA
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    Yes, decades ago and it was a deal breaker.
    He started drinking whiskey at 6 pm and passing out about 9-10 pm, every day.
    Otherwise, wonderful, wonderful fellow beyond words.
    That isn't a "Small thing" in my book. That's a pretty large thing, in my book.

    One thing I ran into recently would have been what I would call a casual smoker. Usually, smoking is a deal breaker, but this was like a once or twice a day kind of thing. I could deal with that.

    I dated a great guy for awhile that was an avid hunter. I am completely skeeved out by the idea of shooting animals, but we did just fine together. He respected my "eww" factor, to the point that he would warn me if he had shot something and had it hanging up. He also made a valiant effort to be in from hunting showered, changed, and his gear stowed before I got to his house (missed one night....and didn't have his phone on him to warn me to come a little later. He actually sent his roommate home to meet me and warn me!). I respected his sport and didn't make a big deal out of it. Besides, the man was a damn fine cook and a looker. Seriously? I wasn't going to complain!

    I think it would depend on the "small thing." What may be small to others may be HUGE to someone else.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    May. 12, 2008
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    3,874

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Calvincrowe View Post
    Mr. CC chewed tobacco when we met...a huge, gross, nasty turn off for me, yet in all sorts of ways, he and I clicked. I"m sure there was a turn off for him regarding me, too, but he's never mentioned any (smart man!). Anyhoo-- after 5 years together, he quit. He decided one day that he was done, and using the "gum" method, he no longer chews. There are some personality issues that irritate me, but in the bigger picture, I defy any couple to say those aren't present. He has political and social views I do not share, but we discuss and move on.

    Unless this issue is a total deal-breaker, I'd give him a chance to grow on you. You might be surprised in the end! (and, you know, I'm sitting here imagining all sorts of "deal-breakers" now that you said you wouldn't divulge his issue!! )
    Wow, that is SUCH a dealbreaker for me. I shiver whenever I hear the spitting that is related to chewing. Obviously it worked out for you and goes to show what you can miss out on if you allow something that is relatively minor to color your decisions. Then again, to eath their own.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Feb. 14, 2003
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    Windward Farm, Washougal, WA- our work in progress, our money pit, our home!
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    Default

    Aljerene--I used that as an example for the OP, as it shows that while it grossed me out, all Mr. CC's good qualities made up for it. He was considerate in that he didn't chew constantly (he reminded me of a light smoker--he'd put in a dip after work, after dinner and that would be about it), and he didn't make a gross mess ( he spit in a dark pop bottle ,sealed it and threw it out without being asked to). I like that 90/10 rule of another poster--as long as you can see the 90% of wonderful and the 10% isn't horrific (drinking, porn, racism, animal cruelty, etc.) then I'd work with the man. As my wise mama said, "What you see is what you get, don't expect a change in the man. You can train them up a bit, but he is who he is". Smart lady.

    OP-no one can tell you what will work, but unless he physically turns you off or the "deal-breaker" item is bigger than that 10%, why not try it out? Please come back and tell us how it goes, on another OT day, though!
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
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    Oct. 26, 2010
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    Orygun
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    Default

    Normally, I would have said wait it out, probably be okay in the long run.

    After my real life has intervened and wised me up considerably, I'd say no, just go on being casual friends and leave it at that. If I could turn back time, I'd listen to my inner voice a h*lluva lot more and acted accordingly. But, then again, I wouldn't have my wonderful kids and g-kids either. But, if you're talking 'man' stuff, then, no, it wasn't worth it, almost sent me over the edge...thankfully I've always had horses to catch me.
    GR24's Musing #18 - More a reminder than a muse, on the first of the month, do your boob check for any lumps or differences.



  20. #20
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    rapidan,virginia
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    I'm assuming the one small thing is something he can't change, even if he wanted to? Otherwise I might tell him, and then see what his reaction would be.
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYpvIMVdq3k
    Stash: http://tinyurl.com/mmm3p4e


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