When my husband got married the first time it took him 5 years to propose and he only did it because he was being pressured. He said that even after 5 years he still wasn't sure he wanted to marry her but did because of the pressure. With me we got engaged a year into our relationship and married 6 months later.
I would be a bit worried if I had many years into a relationship and my SO still wasn't ready to get married..............
RIP Sucha Smooth Whiskey
May 17,2004 - March 29, 2010
RIP San Lena Peppy
May 3, 1991 - March 11, 2010
5 years, 2 years ago the reason to wait was custody and visitation issues with the ex, I get that and completely understood, 2 years later nothing has changed...(with custody and visitation) meaning he gets none, and she violates every court order. So at the end of the month we need to have a talk about where things are and where they are going, and to be honest if he doesn't want to get married, I need some time to wrap my head around that, and more than likely I would be ok with it. My issue is the tease he has the ring...and thinks its cute that I know he has the ring. Its to the point I don't even acknowledge his comments any more, or that I correct him when he introduces me as his fiance, no, sorry babe, I'm the girlfriend. So we will see what Valentine's Day and my birthday bring.
Um, 2.5 years, even after the guy had been talking about marriage withing 6 months. But the longer the relationship progressed, the more I realized I had no desire to marry him. So, whew. Saved!
My friend just got married last year to the she's been dating for 7 years. They only got engaged a year before the wedding, so they'd been dating for 6 before he proposed. They'd talked about it and knew they were going to get married but both were in uni getting their MBAs. He wanted all his things in order: graduated, good job, place to live, etc. before he proposed...she lost patience, took him ring-shopping, and made him propose Christmas morning! The funniest thing was she posted pics on FB called, "A Christmas Surprise" and I commented, "how was it a surprise when you told him to do it?" She deleted my comment - no surprise there!
But, at the wedding I was talking to the groom's brother and he said the groom had told him he was dating the girl he was going to marry...3 months into their relationship. So I guess sometimes a long wait isn't reluctance; it's trying to get things organized so you can provide for your family.
Strikes me that the issue is not the ring-per-se, but the "Will you?" part of the conversation, no?
I don't like ultimatums, but I do think there's something to be said for the open conversation with him about what he wants rather than beating yourself up with the will he/won't he game. The key question for you, however, is acknowledging what you want regardless of the answer. Meaning, if, in all honesty, he would be content not ever getting married but continuing in the status quo, could that honestly be a way you'd be equally content and happy? Or is marriage itself a necessary precursor to kids/life together etc in your thinking? Both are great answers...so long as they're great answers for you. But if the two of you differ on them, it's going to be hard to make both folks happy in the long run. It's not fair to either of you to string the other along, nor is it fair to say you'll be happy with something that isn't really in your heart of hearts what you want.
10 years! We were only 18 when we got together; too young to be thinking about marriage.... then we grew up, finished school, got "adult jobs", an apartment, etc... next thing ya know we were pushing 30! It was never a huge priority and I was not impatient about it. I dreaded the whole wedding planning thing.
Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**
We are not formally "engaged" in the sense that either of us got down on bended knee and professed undying love and said "will you marry me?" I don't wear a ring.
We have a very small elopement planned, though. We aren't telling anyone, which is part of why I don't have a ring (or want one). Has nothing to do with not wanting to get married really, and more about what we value for ourselves.
Sometimes I feel it and I tease him a little bit. A few days ago we were on vacation and we took a trip out to a small island in the Tortugas. We were standing together looking out at this neverending clear blue ocean and I teased him that NOW would have been a good time to propose. It's kind of a running joke for us.
I said I wanted an OTTB instead of a ring, so now he wants to buy me a ring because it doesn't need to eat. Ha!
DH proposed a few days after our 4th anniversary and we married a few months before our 5th anniversary. We're young though so it wasn't a big deal. I/He was 20/22 when we got together, 24/26 when he proposed, and 25/27 when we got married.
I don't like ultimatums, but I do think there's something to be said for the open conversation with him about what he wants rather than beating yourself up with the will he/won't he game.
This. I've never understood the "waiting" for a proposal/ring/whatever. We are talking about a life altering, supposedly life-long, decision here between TWO people. Why are you waiting for HIM to make some sort of move or decision? This should be a conversation, not an "offer". Nothing wrong with wanting the romance of the formal proposal, but you should both be on the same page with what you want and where you are going before that happens.
JMHO. I'm divorced, so take it for what it's worth.
My brother's wife waited almost 9 years... during which time she gave him several ultimatums (which she backed down from.) My brother simply wasn't sure he wanted to get married; she on the other hand wanted to get married *very* badly.
Eventually they did get engaged and have now been married for almost 10 years. They have three kids and my SIL is now the SAHM she always wanted to be... and they seem very happy.
Married a year after that.
What was funny was that when we went down to the county clerks office to get a marriage license, they have a 3 day waiting period, to make sure you aren't making a hasty decision!
DH and I had a conversation versus a proposal. We were together nearly three years and already had DS1, DS2 was on the way. I still have no ring (I felt so embarrassed about it... this is why I love COTH. My dose of reality that I am not the only one and now I feel better. Now I am really debating asking for an OTTB or horse trailer instead!). I so agree you should have an open conversation.
When DH and I first started dating I told him I didn't believe in marriage. Very shortly after I changed my mind but even after DS1 I never told him that. I really never thought he would marry me, especially since he had said he agreed. When I finally told him how I felt he was actually very hurt that I had hidden something that was so important to me and he married me ASAP. Talk to him about it, seriously.
I'm waiting! But then we only met in July (at my oldest brother's big wedding celebration soirree after their small wedding in December). He is a friend of my brother's and we have a few long time friends in common (too bad it took so long for us to meet). The sister-in-law who just got married waited 7 years (they knew each other since their 20s but she was married to someone else)! My other sister in law waited 4 years but she and my "middle" brother (I'm the youngest) met when she was a college Freshman- she definitely pressured him to marry her but then they've been together for nearly 25 years. I am almost 50 and have always wanted to be married but never found Mr. Right. The plan is for me to relocate to future Mr. Mukluk's town in fall (I thought we should wait a year and summer is too hot to move). With regard to relocating, he had asked me before if I "wanted more of a commitment from him" and I told him no (because to say yes would have felt like pressuring him). But he has talked of spending the rest of his life with me which makes me think that he is going to propose. And I even know exactly which engagement ring I would like But first we need a good horse trailer!
16 years - but I'm not waiting. I kind of like the way things are right now. That said, we've been to Diamonds Direct to just look back during the summer and he mentioned them again today in reference to my birthday. He was kidding ... I think.