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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by GoForAGallop View Post
    Eh, it's a bit over the top for someone to start throwing a childish fit when they've JUST walked up to the line, when the holdup is an old woman who just needs her medications and is the most frustrated party of the whole bunch.
    Yes, the old woman throwing a childish fit was over the top and so was your response, particularly the f-bomb. BTW, I have no problem throwing the f-bomb, but I consider the audience.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


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  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by texan View Post
    I don't agree with leaving the barn. I also don't think the BM is the one with the problem. You could move your horse and find yourself in the very same situation minus the good care. You just have to find a way to be more assertive (not rude) when dealing with her... "NO" is a good place to start. Never say yes but. Always say No, that is not how I want it done. Rinse and Repeat.
    This is what I've been trying to do when it comes to things that are under my control--but in some cases (where she just "takes over") there is no way to say "NO!" without seeming needlessly confrontational and interrupting her "system" ...She is VERY, VERY busy, works 7 day weeks and has too much on her plate, hence her "we do everything MY way, all the time" since it's simply more efficient that way.

    I have had many barn managers over the years of boarding (off and on, 30+ years), and they have run the gamut. I was spoiled by my last one (was with her for 7-8 years), since she is a completely different personality type; she is reliably gracious, courteous and respectful, and accommodates her boarder's needs and preferences. She is a GEM. Of course it's a bit easier for her, since she only oversees 20-25 horses. However (alas), she doesn't offer what I need right now.

    *SIGH* I miss her every day (and appreciate her even more, in retrospect. I also tell her this on a regular basis )
    "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

    "It's supposed to be hard...the hard is what makes it great!" (Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own")



  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by ccoronios View Post
    I found a card at a great little shop (Beyond Timbuktu, in Edwardsville, IL if anyone's interested) - and HAD to have it. It's hanging next to my desk.
    "As much as I try to be an easygoing, stretch your wings and fly type...I just can't stop trying to burst people into flames with my mind"

    Oh yeah..... :-)

    C
    "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

    "It's supposed to be hard...the hard is what makes it great!" (Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own")



  4. #24
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    May. 18, 2012
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    I am so happy to see this thread and the advice given in it! I'm having to deal with a similar personality at my place of work, and having a lot of trouble. I work in a very small business (12 employees but growing!) and as in many small businesses we all wear lots of hats. I've been with the company from the start (going on 4 years) and used to be in charge of sales and customer service.

    Last year we hired a guy to take over the sales aspect as it was getting to be too much on my plate - it was fine with me! However, this guy has got to be the most condescending, arrogant a$$hole I've ever met! And I seem to get the brunt of his a$$holic-ness (note - I am the only female employee here, and up until this guy came along have NEVER been treated any differently than anyone else).

    Lately the big issue has been this: it's a busy time of year for us sales wise, lining up dealers for the upcoming season. I've been helping AH out by fielding the individual inquiries so he can focus on dealers. Of course I copy him on all of my email responses to keep him in the loop. Pretty much every time I send one out, he comes into my office and spends 5-10 minutes berating my response and telling my how I can do it better. He often says things like "I know you don't have the benefit of my sales experience...." Ummm..but I did your job - well - for 3 years.

    I can take criticism, but the way he delivers it is so demeaning. Plus, if he has time to do this, how does he not have time to just field the responses??

    I've tried passively taking it. I've tried calling him out on it. Both efforts seem to make things worse. When I try to push back he accuses me of not being a "team player".

    I know I should probably go to the boss about it, but I just hate to be "that person". We all have a lot on our plates right now and I should be able to deal with this on my own.

    Sorry for the novel - guess I needed to vent that!
    "I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy. My reality is just different from yours."
    ~Lewis Carroll


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  5. #25
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    Allison, have you considered arranging circumstances so this guy does his act within your boss' hearing? With a firm so small that ought to be possible.

    Or have you thought about the e-mail approach? If some of this crap comes through in e-mail between you and the jerk and there is a legitimate business excuse in re some customer issue or whatnot that you and the jerk were dealing with, to cc your boss late in the e-mail thread with a question that pertains solely to that issue and not the behavior -- thus covering you but accomplishing the same thing?
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”



  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by ccoronios View Post
    I found a card at a great little shop (Beyond Timbuktu, in Edwardsville, IL if anyone's interested) - and HAD to have it. It's hanging next to my desk.
    "As much as I try to be an easygoing, stretch your wings and fly type...I just can't stop trying to burst people into flames with my mind"

    Oh yeah..... :-)

    C
    One of my favorites:

    " 'He's actually a nice guy once you get to know him' is codespeak for 'he's an a$$hole, but you get used to it.' "



  7. #27
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    Adamantane - thank you for that! As strange as it sounds, even though we are a small company employee wise, we work out of a huge building (we're in manufacturing). AH and I are the employees in the two offices on one wing - everyone else is in the other wing on the other side of the shop, or in the shop itself. Boss usually calls us over to him and does not wander our way very often. So, I'm pretty isolated with this jerk Maybe also why I take it so hard.

    I am waiting for his a$$holic-ness to come out in an email - it will absolutely "innocently" be copied to boss man!

    The thing is, I really do want to learn how to handle him myself. Maybe I am being too sensitive to being the only girl, but I just don't want to be the only employee that needs the boss to intervene on her part.

    Am I being too sensitive??
    "I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy. My reality is just different from yours."
    ~Lewis Carroll



  8. #28
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    Allison, I worked in a male dominated industry for most of my career (transportation.) Sometimes these guys need the direct approach. I might use the "first the sugar, then the shaft" approach with him. Say something like. "You're great at your job, and I really appreciate the fact that you are here and helping out, but, don't forget that I'm the one that grew the department to the point that we needed to create a job that you could step into. Please treat me with the respect that I am due." If it doesn't work verbally and in private, that's the time to wait for the insulting email and respond with what I said in writing, with an 'accidental' cc to the boss.
    Originally Posted by Alagirl
    We just love to shame poor people...when in reality, we are all just peasants.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Louise - you Rock! I am writing that response down and will have it memorized for the next time it comes up.
    "I'm not strange, weird, off, nor crazy. My reality is just different from yours."
    ~Lewis Carroll


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Ever since I went out on my own, I have tried to be more active about standing up for myself. It doesn't mean I am mean or nasty, unless someone really asks for it, but it also means that people don't get away with trespassing on my turf either. I have zero tolerance for someone who tries to bully me, and I will tell them off if necessary. Sometimes we all have to just tolerate things because of work reasons, or financial, but I am determined not to get mowed down in my personal life.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllisonWunderlund View Post
    Adamantane - thank you for that! As strange as it sounds, even though we are a small company employee wise, we work out of a huge building (we're in manufacturing). AH and I are the employees in the two offices on one wing - everyone else is in the other wing on the other side of the shop, or in the shop itself. Boss usually calls us over to him and does not wander our way very often. So, I'm pretty isolated with this jerk Maybe also why I take it so hard.

    I am waiting for his a$$holic-ness to come out in an email - it will absolutely "innocently" be copied to boss man!

    The thing is, I really do want to learn how to handle him myself. Maybe I am being too sensitive to being the only girl, but I just don't want to be the only employee that needs the boss to intervene on her part.

    Am I being too sensitive??
    ARGH, how incredibly frustrating! I really feel for you, it would appear that you are between a rock and a hard place with this jerk. And NO, you are not being too sensitive! It sounds like a toxic work environment for you, kudos to you for managing to remain productive in spite of this A$$hole.

    (I used to be in sales, and encountered some types like that; just small-minded nasty bullies, all wrapped up in their "power trip". They enjoy making people squirm, and it is GRATUITOUS. If there is no one there to "slap the down" (especially if they are in a position of authority, or can do this in a sneaky way so that no one catches them at it--like your jerk), they get away with it, and make others' lives miserable. Either they are deeply insecure, or they have a narcissistic personality disorder--no excuse for this execrable behavior in either case.)

    How long have you been enduring this? 6 months, closer to a year?

    This is certainly a dilemma. I'm interested to hear some suggestions from others, since it sounds to me like you have carefully considered your options, and there aren't many.
    "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

    "It's supposed to be hard...the hard is what makes it great!" (Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own")



  12. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Louise View Post
    Allison, I worked in a male dominated industry for most of my career (transportation.) Sometimes these guys need the direct approach. I might use the "first the sugar, then the shaft" approach with him. Say something like. "You're great at your job, and I really appreciate the fact that you are here and helping out, but, don't forget that I'm the one that grew the department to the point that we needed to create a job that you could step into. Please treat me with the respect that I am due." If it doesn't work verbally and in private, that's the time to wait for the insulting email and respond with what I said in writing, with an 'accidental' cc to the boss.
    LOVE this!

    Excellent post...
    "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

    "It's supposed to be hard...the hard is what makes it great!" (Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own")



  13. #33
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    OP, It can be hard to have a BM like that. Years ago, I worked for a farm owner who was extremely curt, and often dismissive of her employees. The general vibe from her was "my way or the highway"... While I was experienced in all aspects of stall cleaning, turnout, and tacking up horses (all around groom position), she was so busy that her method was the way to go. Period.

    While I found working for her stressful, it taught me A LOT. I learned to multi-task, and how to manage time down to the minute. This was a 30 horse barn. Your BM is taking great care of your horses, by your comments. I guess my advice would be to be cordial in your greeting each time you are there, and a polite "Thank you" when "advice" is given, and then try to attend to your animals away from her, if possible. She can't possibly be hovering near you all the time with 90 horse facility!

    Allison, about the new sales AH....Since he is now handling sales, and you are in customer service, WHY are you fielding the initial calls??? It seems to me you are shooting yourself in the foot. If he is no longer training, the next time he comes in to berate you (for doing HIS job) I would say, "Great! Since you are SO experienced, and unhappy with my help, I'll definitely step aside. And by the way, any further communication with me is to be done via email. Thank you." Then turn your back on him, and make a call or something. The next step would be to report this to the boss. To me, AH sounds like a total slacker who is "coasting" along, one of those who really makes everyone else do his work. Good Luck!!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    I would currently like to smack the crap out of the d-bag who has been talking nonstop on his cell phone during my otherwise quiet 40 plus minute bus ride home. It is taking all of my willpower not to start screaming at him right now. And I'm even listening to music with headphones but can still hear his plain as day. Does that count?
    "It is not necessary for you to let everyone know everything about you. In fact, it is probably wise that you don't. There are some things that you need only discuss with God."



  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by see u at x View Post
    I would currently like to smack the crap out of the d-bag who has been talking nonstop on his cell phone during my otherwise quiet 40 plus minute bus ride home. It is taking all of my willpower not to start screaming at him right now. And I'm even listening to music with headphones but can still hear his plain as day. Does that count?
    No, it doesn't. That's an annoyance.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s up with years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”



  16. #36
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    Who determines just who is arrogant or obnoxious? I just try to avoid people whom I find to be annoying to me.



  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by scheherazadetbmare View Post
    Who determines just who is arrogant or obnoxious? I just try to avoid people whom I find to be annoying to me.
    In the eye of the beholder, BUT--it's kinda like pornography--you know it when you see it. (Or in this case, are exposed to it, or on the receiving end of this obnoxiousness )

    The object of this thread was twofold: A) venting about these types, and B) talking about what to do when you are UNABLE to avoid them!
    "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

    "It's supposed to be hard...the hard is what makes it great!" (Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own")



  18. #38
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    Apr. 11, 2001
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    *sigh*

    I have an arrogant and obnoxious brother who just sent and email to me and all my other brothers and sister-in-laws telling us how he just lost 40 pounds on some replacement diet regimen and we should all really stop being lard asses and lose weight and get fit so that we too can fit in our clothes from 20 years ago. While we might not like each other all the time he loves us to much not to mulitlevel market this amazing product to us.

    Seriously.

    It would not be so bad except I weigh less than 5 pounds more than what I weighed 20 years ago even though I've birthed two children since then. I'm fitter than I was 20 years ago and the reason I don't wear clothes from 20 years ago is not because they don't fit, but that they are seriously out of style and he might want to think about that before he goes sporting his old clothes.

    Seriously, I bust my butt for the last 20 years and he's too self absorbed to notice.

    In the last two days I've thought of one smack down after another for him and haven't said anything. Our late mother always advised that, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." She's probably right...but it's hard.



  19. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by spurgirl View Post
    OP, It can be hard to have a BM like that. Years ago, I worked for a farm owner who was extremely curt, and often dismissive of her employees. The general vibe from her was "my way or the highway"... While I was experienced in all aspects of stall cleaning, turnout, and tacking up horses (all around groom position), she was so busy that her method was the way to go. Period.

    While I found working for her stressful, it taught me A LOT. I learned to multi-task, and how to manage time down to the minute. This was a 30 horse barn. Your BM is taking great care of your horses, by your comments. I guess my advice would be to be cordial in your greeting each time you are there, and a polite "Thank you" when "advice" is given, and then try to attend to your animals away from her, if possible. She can't possibly be hovering near you all the time with 90 horse facility!

    Allison, about the new sales AH....Since he is now handling sales, and you are in customer service, WHY are you fielding the initial calls??? It seems to me you are shooting yourself in the foot. If he is no longer training, the next time he comes in to berate you (for doing HIS job) I would say, "Great! Since you are SO experienced, and unhappy with my help, I'll definitely step aside. And by the way, any further communication with me is to be done via email. Thank you." Then turn your back on him, and make a call or something. The next step would be to report this to the boss. To me, AH sounds like a total slacker who is "coasting" along, one of those who really makes everyone else do his work. Good Luck!!
    A bit different between "working for *this type*" and "paying *this type* for a service", since as a client, I should have some say in how my horses are handled and treated--and I should also have access to them (not always possible in the case of the filly, BM takes over ALL the handling when I'm there, does everything, and very deliberately shunts me out of the way :-/) I have tolerated this because she has a *lot* of experience with foal handling--way more than I do--so I trust that she will do the appropriate thing. I want to be able to learn from her, since though I am a professional trainer with my own 3+ decades of horse experience, I have only raised and handled two foals previous to this one, vs her dozens or hundreds. She and I are on perfectly cordial terms, and I ALWAYS thank her for everything she does for me and my horses (her response is a grunt )

    There is no advice given, it is all "loud opining" about how things are done, and how SHE does things (she is not a listener ), so there are never opportunities to say "thank you", and then do things my way. She is not always hovering over me (way too busy, obviously), but I do sometimes get the feeling of "being watched" at times--as though she would PREFER that I not be there, and that I am clearly doing things that SHE wouldn't personally do--so, um, yeah. My desire for involvement is not her cup of tea (it is clear that she would prefer me to stop by monthly to just drop off the board check and say "howdy"), but my interactions with her are never "uncordial." (There WAS one time, when she loudly and gratuitously insulted me *and* my filly--who was being a bit of handful in the field while they were trying to catch her, not unheard of for a 4 month old foal --in front of both the farrier and her right-hand man/main barnhelp, after which I kind of "froze her out". The two men, though obviously used to this behavior, both seemed embarrassed, and tried to placate me and change the subject immediately afterward, the BM was so clearly out of line and over the top that any witnesses (unfamiliar with her) would have been, well, um, APPALLED. I was angry and frustrated, as anyone can imagine--but kept it to myself. She did seem to get the message from my passive-aggressive response to her afterward (direct confrontation would have been pointless), and has actually ATTEMPTED to be more respectful and reasonable since then.) But there have been a LOT of little things like that, which have added up.

    Just trying to clarify things a bit...The woman IS a genius at getting things done, and at multi-tasking (which I have admired about her, and which I have complimented her on--I am a great appreciator!), but as a fellow professional, I often feel very disrespected.

    Another example (after which I will shut up!): when the BM loaded my horses onto her trailer to haul them from the repro facility (where I had taken my mare to foal out) to her farm, she "took over the show" without acknowledging or waiting for the director of the facility, the resident repro expert--or the vet. At this point, they all knew me well, and appreciated that I was an experienced horseperson and uber involved horse owner; I had driven the 90 miles round-trip every day just to check on my pregnant mare while she was there before foaling (for a month), and then had been out every single day to see the new foal; asking questions, getting their educated feedback, drinking in knowledge, and basically being completely hands-on in every way possible. (Apparently this is "somewhat unusual" for their clients...)

    After she had shuttled them aboard and taken off, the director CALLED me on my cell phone, concerned, and said "I was really uncomfortable with this woman's actions, PLEASE keep in mind, always, that THESE ARE YOUR HORSES!"

    He is a very gracious and intelligent man with excellent social skills, who is also a Phd in Equine Reproductive Technology--and he is not only extremely knowledgeable, but is a wonderful teacher and horseman. I tend to take his words seriously, and when he called me, I promised him that I would, indeed, keep this in mind. Maybe there were some Red Flags right off the bat.

    Does this in any way clarify my concerns? (or validate my vents )

    As for Allison, I can't wait to hear the outcome (and am pulling for her, 200%), and hope that she takes some of this great advice; HA! Beat him at his own game, I LOVE it! Brilliant...
    "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

    "It's supposed to be hard...the hard is what makes it great!" (Jimmy Dugan, "A League of Their Own")



  20. #40
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    subk-don't you dare say a word to your brother! It will be hysterical if he actually starts wearing a bunch of old, out-of-date clothes around. Make sure you get a few pictures.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


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