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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2012
    Location
    FL
    Posts
    76

    Default Is it ok to just be single?

    I am in my early 30's with a good job, I spend most of my free time working and riding at the barn.

    I have done the dating thing (though never been in a serious relationship) and I am just not into it. I like being by myself, making my own schedule and not having to deal with anyone else and run thing on my own time. I like being able to spend all my time and money on horses and showing. I have friends that I hang out with but I have basically no desire to find an SO.

    Is it ok to just be single? I understand the joys you have when you are in a relationship but I guess I am just as happy being alone (but not lonely). I just feel so much pressure from friends, family, and society that now that I am getting up there I'm expected to be getting married and preparing for kids. I'm just not sure if that is what I want for myself, though I realize I might change opinions on it as I get older.

    I guess I am scared I will regret it when I am older and everyone I know has families. Outside of the social pressures I feel very confident and happy about being on my own. I'd love some advice and anecdotes from the lovely other horse people on COTH.
    Last edited by Toaster; Mar. 25, 2013 at 09:13 AM.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2005
    Posts
    3,504

    Default

    Of course it's okay - but you really don't have to make an either or decision right now. Or ever. Be single when you want to be single. If, in the future, you want to try a relationship out, do that.

    You really don't have to live up to other peoples' expectations - just do what makes you happy. You don't owe the rest of the world an explanation.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    13 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    10,405

    Default

    Well, on the one hand, I regret being single, but it's not like I ever had any real choice besides "learn to tolerate the guys who are interested in me, but unattractive and dull, or be single" and I couldn't deal with the former. I regret that the longer I'm single, the less likely that is to change (and I tend to work in places where I just won't meet single men, and have hobbies that just don't attract a lot of single men).

    I DON'T regret not being divorced like several friends who married right out of school. Or having no one to complain about the number of animals I have. Or rushing into stupid life decisions like other friends and having to emotionally unload on 'good listeners' and complaining about the partner I have. If I decide to pack up and move across the country, the only concern is moving the animals, not someone else's job or family. And in my late twenties I did that a couple times! I can take a vacation wherever I want (if I had a dollar for every person on the cruise I took who said "You're traveling alone? You're so brave!" I could pay for another.) And while there's no one to help with any household chores, if they don't get done the only one who suffers is me! Take in a foster dog? Well, okay, my parents have an OPINION because when I come visit he'll have to come with and that's FOUR dogs in one house, but it's still up to me!

    And it isn't as if the "single police" are going to come get you! You can do whatever you want and can afford to do. There is no mandatory time line to which everyone must adhere.

    Sure, I wish I had a husband. But that doesn't mean sucking up and marrying anyone I can halfway tolerate just to check it off the list.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2012
    Posts
    1,181

    Default

    It's okay and even more that you're okay with it.

    You're only 20, its not like you're deciding to be single forever and ever and making a pact about it. If you're happy with things as they are, great! If that ever changes, then change until you're happy again.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 11, 2005
    Location
    Southern California - Hemet
    Posts
    1,688

    Default

    Everyone has their own unique life timeline to follow. Enjoy being happy, and don't let others tell you that you should be unhappy because you don't have a partner right now. Keep your mind and your heart open to the possibility of a relationship, but take things on your own terms. It is so much better to take your time to make the right choice than to rush into wrong choices and expend so much energy fixing the damage from them.

    Okay, can I go back 30 years and tell this to my 20 year old self? :-)



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 17, 2006
    Posts
    3,905

    Default

    It's absolutely okay. Being part of a couple does NOT define you (though many may think it does). Do what you're comfortable with. Life is not scripted.
    “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
    ¯ Oscar Wilde


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May. 21, 2004
    Location
    N. TX...just N.East of paradise...
    Posts
    2,026

    Default

    You're only 20 and you're asking this? Don't get married until you're 30....you won't have found YOU before then (men, especially don't seem to before then)....

    No one says/expects you to be part of a couple. That's just weird if they did, and who cares about 'they' anyhow? It's how YOU feel for YOUR sake.

    Believe me, when you're not looking, a likely partner will come along, so enjoy being able to just be yourself with no responsibility toward another right now.

    I LOVED being single when the right one wasn't around. I 'found' the right one when I wasn't looking, in fact when I was PISSED at men...we stumbled into each other unawares
    "As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use."- William James
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Proud member of the Wheat Loss Clique.



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep. 27, 2001
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    2,802

    Default

    Enjoy life as you want to - there is no right or wrong. I stayed single until last spring when at age 46 I married for the first time. Never regretted being single before then and don't regret the choice to get married now. Live your own time line and have a great time!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep. 24, 2009
    Posts
    1,202

    Default

    I broke up with my college boyfriend who I thought I would be 'the one' = and was pretty devastated.

    I found someone else within a year who wasn't quite right and got married 2 years after that. After 12 years, I finally decided I'd had enough and divorced him. He was not physically abusive but he was verbally / mentally abusive. I was absolutely miserable and didn't realize how unhappy I was until he was sent to Iraq for a year. I felt so much better about ME when he was gone ... so I made it permanent.

    I've been on my own for 6 years now and have been happier than ever. I don't have to worry about making anyone happy but ME. I don't have to work around anyone else's schedule, I can vacation with who I want and when I want.

    Looking back, I wish I had realized that I didn't really *need* anyone else to be happy.

    You are lucky to be 20 and realize that. You can always change your mind about being single later, but it's harder to change your mind after you're married to the wrong person.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 14, 2000
    Location
    Rochester,NY,USA
    Posts
    7,420

    Default

    If you can afford everything you want/need, then why worry about being single. On the other hand if you can't then you might want to rethink being single and start looking for a husband or life partner.

    I was lucky in the fact that besides a job with security (at the time anyway), that paid well and having some income from stocks that my Mother gave me every year I could pretty much afford what I wanted/needed on my own. While I had no intention of being single my entire life, every guy I met that I really liked wanted to settle down and raise a family. Sorry but I don't like kids, never really liked kids, and certainly had no plans to have kids so I was honest with the men and told them to look elsewhere.

    I think the only concern I have now is that I have no family that lives anywhere nearby, and as I get older, I'd like to know I had someone to call for help. But then again with the senior living facilities and assisted living facilities I'm probably better off in that care as opposed to relying on relatives.
    Sue
    Back in my day, we didn't have as many warning labels because people weren't so dang stupid!



  11. #11
    Join Date
    May. 4, 2003
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    14,210

    Default

    Well, while I'm at the other end of the spectrum than you, and have a hubby and kids, I know many people who are single and have no children. But I have no blood family over here and we have a large extended family and we love doing things together. Marriage does not mean happily ever after (death or divorce) and neither does having children mean they will take care of me when I'm old and grey. Work at being social - as you are a loner - build your own 'family' of like-minded people, take care of your financial future and you will be as fine as everybody else in your later years.

    As they say: Live, love, laugh.
    Proud member of People Who Hate to Kill Wildlife clique



  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
    Location
    Center of the Universe
    Posts
    6,901

    Default

    I've been single and also in committed relationships, and I much prefer the single state.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr. 9, 2012
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    NYC=center of the universe
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    1,944

    Default

    Why would it not be OK if you're happy?

    I spent most of my 20s single. Now I've been with my fiancé for almost 13 years. I was happy single at that time and am now happy to share my life with someone. We plan on retiring together at some point. He has a pension due and health insurance so we plan on being together with the horses. I don't have either but I've been able to save.

    Being single is fine. Sharing a life with someone else has its disadvantages, but it also has many advantages, including additional financial and emotional security. But it's only worth it with someone who is, well, worth it.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 29, 2001
    Location
    we've got sand and rocks, and rocks and sand...
    Posts
    1,396

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    Well, on the one hand, I regret being single, but it's not like I ever had any real choice besides "learn to tolerate the guys who are interested in me, but unattractive and dull, or be single" and I couldn't deal with the former. I regret that the longer I'm single, the less likely that is to change (and I tend to work in places where I just won't meet single men, and have hobbies that just don't attract a lot of single men).
    It's like you've channeled this whole post out of my mind, and summed it up perfectly. I did shorten it, just because it's been read once already, but I just wanted to say: You are NOT the only one. *sigh* I tried the "learn to tolerate people you really aren't that interested in because there are no other dating options" thing, and all it did was make me truly miserable, and break some undeserving hearts. I don't think it's a being picky thing for me, It's just that I... want someone that "fits" with me, ya know? Someone I actually find interesting, and have a real desire to get to know better. Not just someone that I feel sympathy for because they like me, and I feel that I owe it to them to give it a shot. Yeah... that just doesn't work well...

    and so, because such interest has yet to happen on a two-way street with both parties being available, and because I'm not willing to sacrifice my own sense of self and happiness for something that doesn't make me happy. I stay single. ;-)
    The ninja monkeys are plotting my demise as we speak....


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Oct. 8, 2002
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    9,543

    Default

    Yep, it's OK. And even great

    If I had to be honest, some of the best times in my life were when I was devotedly single. I miss those days a lot. And honestly I think it's better for women in their early 20s to be single. Gives you a chance to really know what makes you happy and what you want.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 30, 2011
    Posts
    426

    Default

    I'm not much older than you (23) and from what I'm observed with my friends and acquaintances is that those who are happy when they are single are those who seem to remain happiest whether they stay single or if a significant other comes along. Even when you are in a committed relationship, at the end of the day your life and happiness are your own responsibility.

    One of my happiest friends is about 15 years older than I am and while she has been in relationships previously, she came to the realization a few years ago that she is simply happiest being single. She has faced some social pressure about the issue, but has responded by surrounding herself with a good group of friends who appreciate her for who she is not who she might or might not be with. I realize you can't pick your family (though I've often wished I could!) but you can choose to socialize with people who are happy that you are happy even if it seems non-conventional.

    I'm currently in a great relationship and if it ended for some reason, I would be very upset to lose the presence of my SO in my life. That said, I certainly wouldn't feel the need to rush into another relationship and I hate "dating" just for the sake of "dating". For me, if a relationship doesn't develop organically out of a friendship, it is too much work, involves playing way too many "games" and just isn't enjoyable. I'd rather just surround myself with good people and have a good time.



  17. #17

    Default

    I didn't get married until I was 48 and I don't regret waiting until the right guy came along. I had no intention of getting married in my 20's, and I took advantage of the freedom that came along with being single, like the ability to decide to move halfway across the country without conferring with someone else. I lived a very full life while single, and the bug to get married didn't hit me until I was 35 or so.

    Enjoy your single life. Trust me, there are days I wish that I was still single!



  18. #18
    Join Date
    May. 31, 2010
    Location
    Tampa Bay Area
    Posts
    253

    Default

    I'm 39, single and part of the picky crowd that makes the chances of not being single not in my favor. I was married very young and though I try live with no regrets...man I would go back and change that and be single in my 20s!

    I like where I am in life. My schedule, my hobbies, money to spend on vacations and other things I want. I do sometimes worry about old age, but I've got some other lifelong bachelorette friends so I think we will just end up in the same old folks' home. Ha ha.

    Honestly, just be happy. If right now that is being single, then be single. Don't cave to the outside voices. There is no right or wrong when it comes to relationship status, only what's right for you. Enjoy what you have right now.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 16, 2000
    Location
    Chatham, NY USA
    Posts
    4,100

    Default

    Oh dear - this makes me very sad/uncomfortable:
    "If you can afford everything you want/need, then why worry about being single. On the other hand if you can't then you might want to rethink being single and start looking for a husband or life partner."

    I'm thinking that size of bank account is NOT the prime criteria for a life partner.
    www.ayliprod.com
    Equine Photography in the Northeast


    11 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 27, 2008
    Posts
    391

    Default

    What I have found at 31 being single and happy about it is that people stop pressuring you after the 20s. Nobody seems to bother me anymore about getting married or having kids. I used to get a lot of pressure but I think everyone has now accepted that I'm cool without an other. I said when I was very young, like six, that I never wanted to get married or have kids. I think my family is finally seeing that my 6 year old self was wiser than they thought. I won't ever change my views on the kids and would consider marriage with the right person but I can tell you the older you get and the more you like living how you want it's harder to want to settle down too. I know it seems like you're heading towards the end sometimes when everyone is settling down but I always say enjoy your single life because once you're married you won't ever have that again. Now, of course you get to experience this whole new life with someone but you're also ending a chapter too. Keep this chapter open until you're ready to close it. Life is challenging and great and sad and happy alone or single so just have fun and don't worry.



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