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  1. #1

    Default Please help - I need to rescue my cousin from domestic violence - Advice needed!

    Hello All,

    Without going too far into details, I am seeking help (PM if you do not feel comfortable posting) from people who have personal or professional experience extracting victims of domestic abuse from their abuser. My cousin is a MALE in a heterosexual relationship, no children, currently living with his abuser. I do not feel comfortable posting identification details, out of paranoia of being monitored and compromising safety. I am looking for advice of all kinds - legal, emotional, how to proceed, etc. Thanks in advance from our wonderful horse community. This is tearing me apart and I am looking for information everywhere. Thank-you again.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2011
    Location
    Massachusetts
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    1,332

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    If he is in imminent danger you need to call the cops.

    If he is not in imminent danger than your options are limited. Sorry you are having to deal with this and sorry this is happening to your cousin.

    In my state, there are victims advocates, and many resources for victims of domestic violence. Maybe you can reach out (or google) to your local DA office and ask. If nothing else, they will be able to point you in the right direction.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2000
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    Full time in Delhi, NY!
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    Does he want to leave? If he doesn't, you've really got your hands tied.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar. 28, 2002
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    Good luck - most agencies don't really recognise female on male spousal abuse,, the usual comment being something like 'You are a big strong man! How can she hurt you?' Before you do anything, he has to admit being abused and be ready to move on. PM me if you like
    Founder of the Dyslexic Clique. Dyslexics of the world - UNTIE!!

    Member: Incredible Invisbles



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2013
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    He wants to leave and is scared. The abuse is very real and very scary but he is not in imminent danger if you mean it is happening right this second. It occurs as part of the typical cycle of tension-abuse-affection/remorse. Yes, it has gotten worse recently.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    Does he want to be rescued?
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 24, 2009
    Posts
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    Alternative, I would be happy for you to PM me if I can be of any help. I have professional experience in domestic violence prevention and education. If you would not mind sharing your cousin's general location privately, I would also be glad to look up any resources in the area that may be able to assist you.

    It is very important to have a plan to minimize the danger of leaving the abusive situation - you are right to look for help!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 28, 2002
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    East of Dog River
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    If he wants to leave, have him get his ducks in a row: a place to go, some clothing moved (not enough to be obvious), money set aside, and a lawyer to extricate him from leases, joint ownership and joint debts and a restraining order. He needs to have his injuries documented and documentation hidden away with personal papers that have been removed from the home. As far as some possessions he may have to cut his losses but may be able to get police help for removal. When she is away at work and he isn't, he can probably make good his escape. He should NOT contact her after leaving but leave that to a person well versed in mediation.
    Founder of the Dyslexic Clique. Dyslexics of the world - UNTIE!!

    Member: Incredible Invisbles



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
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    5,284

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    If he is in the "ready to go" phase, keep encouraging him to stay with it, help him plan and arrange the logistics, try to find any professionals that can help, figure out a safe house, iron out the details on solutions for anything he's concerned about.

    For a friend of mine she was most worried about her dog and horse; it wasn't until she had a good solid easily-executed plan for them that she was willing to get herself out. She never spoke to her ex again after the day we got her out of the house-she was literally carried away by a swarm of friends and family; she called one of us to kick off the plan, the rest of us showed up and we spirited her away in a matter of minutes.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    You can't "rescue" him, but you can support him in his effort to leave. If he is worried about being discovered, you can do some research for him (there are many websites that suggest what to do before leaving; they're aimed at women usually, but the suggestions are still good). He'll need a safe place to go, and odds are there are no shelters aimed at abused men like there are for women; if he doesn't have money to rent an apt he might need a place to stay with a friend or relative.

    Good luck!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Because the abuser may expect him to leave, then if he'll call you and then meet you for a quick get away, then it may be safer. If he has animals to get out have him bring them too, and then drive away immediately. If he has to leave everything else, then it will be safer for him then getting caught smuggling stuff away. He needs somewhere to stay not connected to any of you, and he has to be ready to leave and keep out of contact with the abuser. Once he's out and staying elsewhere, then legal steps can be taken to split legally. The most important thing is a quick get away, and a permanent one.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
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    california
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    In my area the local DA and law enforcement will assist.



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Mar. 4, 2010
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    Here's a concise and helpful article, with an 800 number to call for more details:

    Male Victim Information


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
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    Also, if he is leasing a home, some states 9if not all) have clauses in the lease that allow you to break it if you are in a domestic violence situation. I know TX does.



  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
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    Also consider calling your local legal aid organization. They are a tremendous resource and often work with other local resources (like women's shelters, DV support groups, etc.).

    they will not mind the gender role reversal, they've seen it all.



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