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  1. #1
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    Default Adult only get togethers...how to ask for them and not be rude?

    We had a Superbowl party last night and most of the adult couples who attended brought their small child(ren)/infant(s). They weren't explicitly uninvited, but they weren't exactly invited either and with only one exception, no one asked if children were welcome (and he is older and very social). Husband and I honestly thought that if you have a party that starts at 6 and will end after 10pm, with dinner and alcohol involved, people wouldn't bring kids little kids who need to be in bed at 7:30/8. But they did. This resulted in a lot of me running around getting juice boxes to kids, putting down blankets/comforters for kids, worrying about dogs + kids, etc.

    Lately, most of the adult get togethers that have been organized within our group of colleagues and friends have been later in the evening (starting no earlier than 6:30 or 7pm, usually 8pm or later) yet people still bring their little kids who end up having melt downs due to being up past bed time, thus lots of wasted food/money on activities when folks have to leave abruptly due to kiddos within an hour of arriving.

    Because most of us are recent transplants, I can understand that finding good sitters is difficult. And for the most part, the kids are well behaved and not an issue right up til the moment they have to go.

    One of the single gals and I were talking last night about how to "not invite" kids and I told her that I just don't see a good way to do it so maybe we just have to organize more family friendly stuff. She has organized several get togethers herself and is looking for options as well.

    I've considering hiring a sitter when we invite a large group of people over. Ship the kids down to the finished basement and let the sitter handle the kiddos. But still, when you've got a later in the night activity, there will be issues because they're TIRED and not at HOME.

    What am I missing? When I was a kid, Mom and Dad got a babysitter. I babysat when I was a teen. Kids weren't dragged out to restaurants and homes like that.

    Is there a good way to say "adults only" without being rude?

    We love kids. That's not the problem. It would just be nice to have a night out that doesn't end with only the single people left after 8pm because the married w/ kids folks have to spirit away the kiddos.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    6 members found this post helpful.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 21, 2010
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    I just had this exact conversation today with my boss. He left his 2 year old at home and went to a super bowl party FILLED with kids! He was sort of ticked.


    We always preface the invite with a "let's get together for an adults only night ! Yay!" kind of thing.
    All of our friends know we have lots of resources for babysitters, and I've suggested in the past a babysitter at one central location.

    However, I will say this. The parents who never want to leave their kids won't. The ones who do, will. And I love my daughter but there are just times I want a nice conversation without her. Some parents don't.

    People boldly assume their kids are invited everywhere. I assume the opposite. If I'm strapped I'll ask, or just stay home.

    A party that lasts after 10 that's centered around being loud, drinking, etc? No way.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Fern Creek, KY
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    If DH and I get invited to a party we rarely bring DD, unless we really can't find a sitter, so we decline the invite or one of us will stay home with her. It's not fun for ANYBODY involved when she's overtired/grumpy/throwing a fit so we just avoid it all together.

    I, personally, wouldn't be offended if you told me that you were planning on it being an adults only thing. I'm happy to leave her at home so I can converse with somebody who doesn't poop their pants on a daily basis, and it's even better when I don't have to deal with other people's kids as well!

    There are always people who are going to get offended no matter what the situation. I'd be blunt and just say that it's adults only since there will be booze and it'll be late.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
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    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Jul. 12, 2010
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    I've tried 2 approaches that worked. When I had a larger dinner party including a couple of friends with newborns, I offered to arrange a sitter at my house so they could have "grown up time" without having to stress about leaving the baby/breast feeding timing, etc. One took me up on it so her baby slept in a pack & play in the guest room with a teenager watching a dvd. By sharing this plan to all of the other parents, I was able to keep the evening otherwise childless without coming across as anti-kid.

    On another occasion, I told a friend that I'd rather we made other plans to include her kids for a time & venue that would allow me to really enjoy spending time with her kids.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec. 18, 2006
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    NY
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    Default

    I think you just need to be explicit. I have no issue with an "adult-only" party, but if it's not explicit, I wouldn't assume children were not invited. Especially to something like the Super Bowl....our kids watch football every weekend with our football friends, so it would never occur to many people that a Super Bowl party = adults only.

    I wouldn't be offended if the invitation said "adults only" but I wouldn't necessarily attend, either. So, if the majority of your circle of friends have kids, you might have more fun organizing a party that allowed/included the kids.

    Personally, I don't really remember going to any parties when my kids were little.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Oct. 8, 2002
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    I don't really see how saying "this is an adult-only party, thanks!" is rude, really, or why there needs to be "a way to ask for them." Just say it

    I like the central babysitter idea for things that aren't going to be really late or boisterous. But even that I get a little uncomfortable with if adults will be drinking. I know hopefully adult parents would make sure someone can be the DD, but knowing people the way I do (and remembering how many times I was driven home as a teenaged babysitter by a dad who smelled a bit like alcohol), I just feel sort of uncomfortable.

    I get not having a babysitter or the networks in place to find a good one. I'm in the same boat. But there;s a point at which people (myself included) will have to suck it up and find someone.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2001
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    honestly, I thought it was rude to bring extra uninvited guests with you to a social event? unless the invite specifically says (+1) or (and spouse/SO), it's rude to even bring your uninvited spouse, and beyond rude to haul along a lot of other extra guests like young children or even other adult friends.


    17 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Sep. 7, 2009
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    We had a group of friends with a tradition of super bowl parties. As we all began to have children, kids were included, until they became toddlers. Then we all agreed no kids.

    Put it on the invitation. Adults only.
    "We can judge the heart of a man by his treatment of animals." ~Immanuel Kant


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Dec. 18, 2006
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    NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by wendy View Post
    honestly, I thought it was rude to bring extra uninvited guests with you to a social event? unless the invite specifically says (+1) or (and spouse/SO), it's rude to even bring your uninvited spouse, and beyond rude to haul along a lot of other extra guests like young children or even other adult friends.
    But does anyone actually mail invitations to a superbowl party? It's not exactly a wedding. Maybe my friends are just more casual, but a superbowl party is typically an email or phone sort of thing.....



  10. #10
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    I'd be blunt, since some people think it means, "no other kids, but your's are welcome". So put ADULTS ONLY in big letters on the invite, and talk to them before stressing the "No Kids", and how it will be wonderful just having adults there with no kids to worry about. And I would try to include a list of sitters, if you have some, in the invitation. On the ph, I might mention, "I hope you didn't have a problem getting a sitter...we'd really miss you if you had to stay home because you can't get one".

    Personally, I think it is rude for adults to bring kids to parties unless they are expressly invited. It would be as bad as someone bringing their dog to someone's home uninvited.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    VA
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    We try to have a get together weekly. It's good for morale, it's good for us ladies who are here with our husbands working while we can't/don't. This kid thing is kind of big though. I hear what you all are saying. Maybe we just need to be more specific or offer better options for childcare. Because now that I think of it, the people who organize the get togethers are childless folks or me.

    It's a REALLY great group. I would hate to offend. I just don't like the fact that we organize stuff/rent rooms and then end up with half the folks having to clear out due to kiddos.

    Nor do I like the idea of having to totally child proof my home.

    We're already pretty dog proof and I have to say, everyone is VERY conscientious of their kids so we're lucky. I had a mom last night saying "oh, don't put your good blanket down, my kid might barf."

    My response was probably not appropriate but it was "listen, we have dogs. There is nothing you kid can do that the dogs can't do worse!"'

    We LOVE kiddos! We just don't necessarily want every get together to be with kids. No one is being irresponsible with drinking--it's not a frat party--but we'd like to have adults get to be adults without a constant worry.

    Thank you for your input!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec. 14, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    One of the single gals and I were talking last night about how to "not invite" kids and I told her that I just don't see a good way to do it so maybe we just have to organize more family friendly stuff. She has organized several get togethers herself and is looking for options as well.
    I think that is really nice. I mean I am all for the "adults only" on the invite (and I don't think most adults would have an issue with that) but just that you were thinking about it this way is just really nice. Kudos to you for being a good hostess.
    Audaces fortuna iuvat.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Dec. 21, 2008
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    Missouri
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    As a parent of 3 I can tell you that you MUST say that kids are invited or not. So many people include their kids in the things they do and never think twice about it. When inviting someone with children just say " we wanted this to be a night for the adults to get away from the kids, for once". It is their choice to go or not and that shouldn't offend anyone. If it does it is their problem.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    May. 31, 2010
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    I think it's perfectly fine, in an e-mail invite or text, or whatever, to just say "hey, this is an adults-only event." I wouldn't find that rude, but I don't have kids either..ha. I think it's better to specify, because otherwise it gets more awkward - the attendee has to ask, and most of us that aren't good at just being assertive on personal time will feel bad stammering through "uh...well, kids really aren't invited" when asked.

    I do think it's rude that people don't ask before assuming, but that seems to be the norm these days, and for some reason, I feel like parents bring kids to more places than they did back in the dark ages when I was a kid. Maybe it's the whole "...world is a more dangerous place thing and I can never trust Bitsy with just any old baby-sitter" line of thinking.

    Most of my friends with kids are of the type that want to get out on their own at times, or they split up if they can't get a babysitter.



  15. #15
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    I've got kids and I always ask if it is okay to bring them if I am uncertain. I honestly haven't hosted anything child free in awhile because where am I supposed to take my kids if the party is at my house. I like going out to places and over for dinner without my kids. I think my kids like an evening with a fun baby sitter once in awhile.

    You have to be clear though. None of the old implied rules work anymore
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


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  16. #16
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Things have changed since I was a kid (granted a very long time ago!)...I don't remember my parents ever bringing me to evening activities or parties and I remember plenty of baby sitters. I also babysat quite a bit as a teen while the adults went out.

    Even with my first child, who was born in 1990, we usually took him to stay with my mother when we went to parties unless the host specifically asked that we bring him (because they had kids close in age who needed a playmate during the party). Now, it seems that most people take kids everywhere and there are very few adult only parties. So, we do often bring my youngest (10), but ONLY after I ask if he is welcome or not and if there will be other kids there (it's no fun to be the only kid at a gathering!).

    Since I had my youngest child at 40, with a 12 year gap between them, I have an adult child and a 10 year old. Many of my friends my age also have adult children (but not the young one), so I assume anything they invite me to is not intended to have kids at it...I don't even ask, I find a babysitter or don't go. Younger friends who have children (or whose friends I know have children), I'll ask if kids are welcome and if any others are coming. Same with barn parties, where it's a very mixed age group, I ask if children are welcome before assuming he can come.

    If I know it will be a big drinking crowd, boy stays home, of course, regardless of whether he's invited.

    We do leave whatever it is by 9pm if we have the boy with us, his regular bedtime is 9:30pm.

    If your friends with kids aren't asking before they bring them, I'd say "adults only please" on your invite (printed or emailed). Some people might not come...either because they don't like to leave their kids or they can't find a sitter, but that's their choice to make. Some people might get pissy. Some might bring their kids anyway. Ugh.

    Your guests' children should NEVER be your problem to deal with at a party that is primarily for adults, even if you haven't said "adults only". You should not be expected to have kid friendly food/drinks/entertainment unless it is a CHILDREN'S or family party and says so on the invitation, with kids specifically invited, not just allowed. You should not be expected to clean up after them, chase them around or mediate arguments between kids. That is super duper rude, bringing your child to a party they weren't invited to and then expecting the host to go the extra mile to keep them happy . If our son does come to a party, other than a kids birthday party, with us, after I've asked and gotten the OK, I bring food he likes and a book/iPad/whatever so that he has something to eat and something to do without putting the host out at all.


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  17. #17
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    Apr. 28, 2008
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    In our friend group (most of whom have many kids), it tends to be the case that kids are invited unless specified otherwise -- BUT it is not at all rude to specify no kids. As a guest, if the host doesn't specify "kids welcome" or "adults only" then I call and ask whether its a kids party or not (not whether my kid can come, which puts the host on the spot). I love kid-free parties but do whatever everyone else is doing. No sense in leaving mine at home if there are going to be 20 other kids there.

    However, none of us would assume that a 6 p.m. party was no kids just because there was alcohol served -- maybe it is the high prevalence of Catholics here but there's always alcohol for the adults and juice boxes for the kids at evening events. No one gets inebriated, but there's wine and beer and maybe cocktails around. We'd leave at 8:30 or so.

    If you want a grownup party, just say so -- and you definitely don't need to make their childcare arrangements for them. That's their job. If they can't find a babysitter they will decline the invite.

    I do occasionally host adult events with my kid in the house -- work recruiting events and whatnot. He eats with us then I set him up with a movie (a treat in our house). DH entertains when it's time to put him to bed. Not a big deal.



  18. #18
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    Dec. 10, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by Superminion View Post
    I, personally, wouldn't be offended if you told me that you were planning on it being an adults only thing. I'm happy to leave her at home so I can converse with somebody who doesn't poop their pants on a daily basis, and it's even better when I don't have to deal with other people's kids as well!

    There are always people who are going to get offended no matter what the situation. I'd be blunt and just say that it's adults only since there will be booze and it'll be late.
    This x 1000



  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    However, none of us would assume that a 6 p.m. party was no kids just because there was alcohol served -- maybe it is the high prevalence of Catholics here but there's always alcohol for the adults and juice boxes for the kids at evening events. No one gets inebriated, but there's wine and beer and maybe cocktails around.
    I'm also always confused by the assumption that just because alcohol is available an event is automatically not kid or family friendly.

    But then I'm Catholic.


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  20. #20
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    I remember my daughter at age 14, babysitting 9 children (8 under 6) for their parents having a grown up birthday party. She was set up with the kids at a house nearby. She made a nice chunk of change for the 5 hour gig. That sounds like the best option.



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