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  1. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by bauhaus View Post
    Recently turned 40 - the older I get, the happier I am that I don't have them!
    same here. I'm 32. I wondered if I'd wake up sometime and have the biological clock tick now that time is getting shorter to have a healthy pregnancy. Well, its not. I never really thought it would. One of my worst dreams was when I was pregnant. Really, it was awful for me emotionally.

    I am HAPPILY married and I have a few rescue pets and ride my horse and show as much as I want. If I had kids I'd not be able to even own a horse. Life is good, I have balance. Oh, and a health issue that would also cause me to rehink kids even if I wanted them. I think my earlier self knew this so I was set up to have the life I needed to have.


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  2. #82
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    Jan. 17, 2008
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    26! Oh, to be 26 again...

    I got married at 24. Just had a baby. I'm 32. Never wanted kids, he was a miracle.

    Love him more than life itself, don't want any more kids tho.
    I have 2 horses (did the whole "Dr said I cant get pregnant, lets go buy the WB you always wanted, BOOM got pregnant").

    You are so so so young. Don't feel like you have make the decision NOW. Your life and outlook will change so much in the next few years.



  3. #83
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    I just want to add a couple more thoughts...
    If you are simply unsure and wanting to make long term plans I say wait and re-evaluate your feeling about having kids in your early thirties. Go ahead and launch whatever business or career you want. Nothing is certain in life and you can't plan for everything.

    Also, if you have a well established business or career and you want to take some time away or limit your time to start a family I think you would be in a better position to do so than if you are young and just starting out. If you have more seniority you can delegate more, work from home maybe, stuff like that. A young up and comer does not necessarily have that flexibility.

    It is not PC to say so but biologically speaking, if you do want kids, you really should get on with it in your early 30's. Delaying that really does affect fertility.

    Many years ago the Canadian government established a Royal Commission on Reproductive Technologies (the Cdn gov't used to LOVE Royal Commissions...). I think I was one of the 5 people that read the 2 volume report. One of the Commission's findings was that delaying family was a significant and under reported cause of infertility. Basically they said "this is not a popular thing to say, but if women want children they should not wait so long" That was a very under reported part of the Commission's findings.

    Anyway, my point is, go ahead and do whatever you want to do career wise. Make a decision about kids in your early 30's Make no apologies for your decision one way or another and live your life to its fullest.
    Last edited by Mozart; Feb. 6, 2013 at 04:37 PM.
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.


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  4. #84
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    Jul. 29, 2009
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    now 55 and thought I would have kids, but it just didn't pan out. I don't regret it one bit as I've always had the freedom to do whatever I wanted and could afford. I've traveled the world on horseback, on ships, planes, and loved every minute of it. If I'd had kids, I wouldn't have been able to do all the things I've done and continue to do. Sometimes things do work out the way they should....


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  5. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildlifer View Post
    I'm about halfway to 40. No kids. Do not want. I have a little different perspective -- not only do I just not want to "swim upriver and spawn" (sorry, fish biologist) but as a conservationist/biologist, I see and know the effects of sprawl, overpopulation and resource use so I could not, in my mind, ethically add to that. Should I have some sudden flood of oxytocin (highly doubtful), there are literally tens of thousands of children who die every day from lack of care and I would pursue helping one in need.
    Completely agree.
    Each kid produced uses a lifetime of water consumption, a lifetime of car driving, a lifetime of home electricity, etc etc etc.

    I do not believe at the rate we are going that life will even be all that comfortable in 50 years. I am just hoping Earth can last long enough for my life span but I am thinking we may already be having wars over water by that point. Look at hay prices. Will horses even be remotely affordable? Will plane tickets to Europe be $5k? It starts.

    Additionally, not every kid grows up wonderful.
    Sure some of them go to Oxford and are super stars that can be bragged about at cocktail parties, others end up completely blah and just kind of useless on the life-skills spectrum, and still others are an eternal burden such as a friend's brother who is OCD, never leaves his room, refuses to shower and is so violent his mother has to call the police.

    Furthermore, have you met other parents? When I hear parents ending everything they tell their kids to do with ", ok?" I go insssaahhhnn. "The airline lady says you have to sit in your seat so the plane can move, ok? You need to put your seat belt on, ok? Stop kicking the lady next to you, ok?" OMFG NOBODY CARES IF THE KID THINKS YOUR REQUESTS ARE OK. JESUS.

    Or everybody waits at the mailbox when the bus drops kiddo off because apparently kiddo can not find its way to the house from the end of the driveway without help.

    Or some kid will come over for a playdate and look at me like I have three heads when I say, "Uh...that used plate goes in the dishwasher my friend." Seriously, teenagers exist who cannot use a washing machine. I remember my trainer when I was a junior being completely amazed that some of the juniors whose parents spent thousands a week could not even figure out how to wash their own clothes. Your parents are spending four digits a week on you. Could you lift a finger maybe?

    A COLLEGE-AGED individual I hired to dog sit my dogs for one evening had to cancel when her dad wouldn't let her stay overnight in a "strange house" 10 minutes from home. "Strange house" we knew each other through work. Additionally I had to parallel park her car for her. God forbid that one ever has to back up a horse trailer.

    I don't want any kid I would ever have associating with 80% of these mewling, infantilized parents on play dates or their helpless spawn during school hours or extracurricular activities. When I nannied in highschool one of the Other Parents reported me to my charges' parents because I was "Too Strict." The crime? I made the 4yo carry her own towel from the car to the pool. OMFG. (Btw those kids and their parents loved me. Glowing references. I did say 80%, not 100%.)

    I was raised with two sit-down meals a day (breakfast and dinner), fully set table (complete with formal table manners expected, and yes I was expected to help set and clear), highly limited television hours, standards of dress and behavior, the piano and books for entertainment, etc etc. When bed time rolled around I was told, "It's 9:00. Go to bed," and I went, without escort. I see what I would be up against trying to recreate that for any kids of mine, and no thank you. Imagine when friends come over: "OK, grasshoppah. This is called 'dinner.' It involves sitting at this table, facing front, with your legs not indian style or otherwise cockamaimey on the chair. Take your baseball cap off, put your napkin on your lap, keep your left hand by the side of your plate, chew with your mouth closed, here's how you hold a fork. We can get into how the bread and butter works later. You wait until everyone is served, at which point we all toast and say "cheers," and then you may begin. Please make some effort to participate in the conversation. No I will not just warm you up a HotPocket in the microwave and let you chow down with your mouth agape in front of VH1." Really? This is not a battle I want to take on in this day and age.

    Perhaps if I lived on a remote ranch in the western mountains where kids start off with farm chores at age 4, read actual books for entertainment, and deal with the circle of life aka the essays of Mark Spragg that would be a different story. But in the land of Barney the Dinosaur, Mom Waits By The Mailbox, and Everybody Gets A Gold Star, nuh uh.
    Last edited by meupatdoes; Feb. 6, 2013 at 05:29 PM.


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  6. #86
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    May. 24, 2007
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    DH and I are in our mid-60's. We never wanted to have kids, and didn't, and don't regret it. We are both into horses and get to spend a lot of our free time riding, which we wouldn't have had if we had kids. I doubt we could have had horses and kids at the same time.



  7. #87
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    I love you meupatdoes! I so agree with this!! The difference between when I was raised (and how) and how kids now are raised is mind boggling.

    We were out at an antique market and this little kid had something breakable in his hands and was just screaming. Dad is down on his knees in front of him to please give daddy the whateveritwas. Come on now, give it to Daddy ok?

    I usually keep my thoughts and words to myself, but the kid would.not.shut.up and out of my mouth came, "OMG, you are the parent, TAKE IT FROM HIM!" Had that been me and I had even thought of grabbing something that didn't belong to me, my Mom would have promptly taken it from me, gave me that look and we would have left.

    Anyhow...sorry to hijack!!

    FF


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  8. #88
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    I am from the Caribbean, and worse, I'm in my 40s so I'm old school from the Caribbean. Years ago I was in the grocery store and came upon a young boy (upper single digits maybe) sitting on the floor in the magazine/pet food aisle reading a magazine. A woman (probably his mom) comes to the top of the aisle with the cart and says to the boy,

    "Name, I couldn't find your favorite brand of X, how about this other brand of X?"

    To this day that child did not even look up and acknowledge this woman. She waited for a while and then went away.

    LOL. The West Indian in me wanted to wing a can of cat food at him and say, "BOY your MOTHER is talking to you!!" Surely that is what would have happened in Trinidad back in the day.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


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  9. #89
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    Apr. 3, 2006
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    I knew I didn't want kids when I was a kid, 53 now. I don't regret it, never had any maternal yearnings. Little tiny twinges when I saw a cutie pie, but got over it quickly. At this age I am so utterly happy I didn't have kids.

    Number one, I have lost hope for any kind of future that resembles anything I care about. What would I have to offer my kids but more of the same agony? I'm old school, work before play, apply yourself, have some pride and dignity in EVERYTHING you do, respect your elders, and it's MY house, MY rules, and it WILL be ok whether you(child) think so or not. Buck up!

    My country, and my state, have disappointed me beyond the pale. Too creepy for me now, very glad I'll be dead in 20ish years without children or grandchildren etc. to worry about before I go. With no honest way to tell them "keep up the good fight".

    BTW I really love my life RIGHT NOW but I fear it will change and not for the good in my lifetime. I am seeing and feeling it change before my eyes. I have zero desire to live in that world.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #90
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    Lordy, while I totally do not care whether or not someone chooses to have kids, that attitude of Meup and others is totally depressing. I'm glad I'm not that sour and jaded about life. Not to mention, that they are totally wrong about population growth. The fact is the birth rate is dropping in most developed countries to the point where populations are becoming unsustainable. In order to keep civilizations alive, new generations must be born. Someone must come along to replace older populations.

    I get that some of you don't like children. But the rude and disrepectful way you speak about them is atrocious. I can't stand it when people refer to kids as "spawn" or "brats" or other derogatory terms. Would you use the N-word to describe a person of African descent? Or call a homosexual person a queer? Its the same principle. Plus where are all these rude, bratty children you complain about? I go out quite frequently and work with kids and I don't see that many bad ones. A kid crying in Walmart doesn't get me in a tizzy. I swear, there seems to be quite a number of people on this board who have "the world revolves around me" attitude and "no one shall disturb my life with their's". No man is an island, folks.


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  11. #91
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    Oct. 4, 2010
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    Ah, yes, the "If you don't want or particularly care for kids, you must be totally self-absorbed" argument. I wondered how long it'd take for it to show its ugly head.

    I know COTH is a place where the vast majority of people are above a certain socio-economic level, and the majority of us have college degrees. Some of you, I wonder if you've ever REALLY been around the other type of parent. A lot of parents are really, really AWFUL at their jobs, and they create AWFUL kids. That's just true. I like GOOD kids, but I'm telling you, they're the minority. Probably always were.

    ETA: I work in a touristy area. When loads of school kids of ANY age come through, they're loud, disrespectful, and annoying - the VAST majority are this way. Just because some people have become used to that, doesn't make me selfish for pointing it out.
    In order to think outside the box, one must first know what is in the box.


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  12. #92
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    Jun. 7, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by wireweiners View Post
    Lordy, while I totally do not care whether or not someone chooses to have kids, that attitude of Meup and others is totally depressing. I'm glad I'm not that sour and jaded about life. Not to mention, that they are totally wrong about population growth. The fact is the birth rate is dropping in most developed countries to the point where populations are becoming unsustainable. In order to keep civilizations alive, new generations must be born. Someone must come along to replace older populations.
    With vast populations in India and China entering the middle class lifestyle, the demands on the Earth's resources are increasing ten fold. It is completely unsustainable.

    Also, one person in a developed country in the United States uses exponentially more resources than one person in a less developed country.

    There are plenty of people coming along to replace those who are allegedly"dying out" in developed countries, and they are starting to knock on the door of the very resource-expensive middle class lifestyle to boot.


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  13. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kadenz View Post
    Ah, yes, the "If you don't want or particularly care for kids, you must be totally self-absorbed" argument. I wondered how long it'd take for it to show its ugly head.

    I know COTH is a place where the vast majority of people are above a certain socio-economic level, and the majority of us have college degrees. Some of you, I wonder if you've ever REALLY been around the other type of parent. A lot of parents are really, really AWFUL at their jobs, and they create AWFUL kids. That's just true. I like GOOD kids, but I'm telling you, they're the minority. Probably always were.

    ETA: I work in a touristy area. When loads of school kids of ANY age come through, they're loud, disrespectful, and annoying - the VAST majority are this way. Just because some people have become used to that, doesn't make me selfish for pointing it out.
    I'm an attorney for Child Protective Services. I'm around that "other type of parent" every day. I still don't see that many totally obnoxious kids. I try to go with the flow, I don't let misbehaving kids bother me. After all, I don't have to live with them. But apparently there are some people on this board whose ears are so sensitive that a crying child upsets them greatly.


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  14. #94
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    My high school students always asked me why I didn't have a baby. I told them that I saw what they turned into.

    Kidding, obviously, but I choose not to have kids for two reasons. One, you can't guarantee the results. If I could have a kid just like my friend's twelve-year-old son, or my other friend's thirteen-year-old daughter, I would. They're adorable, they're intelligent, they pick up books before the remote, they're genuinely enjoyable people. (I like to think that has something to do with my living with both of them when they were still wee babbies and impressionable, but I guess I'll give the credit to their mothers.) Part of me thinks, hey, my husband and I would be great parents, and we'd raise the kind of kids that the world needs more of. But I also recognize that sometimes even the best parents end up with an anomaly. As a teacher, I already end up seeing a hundred kids per year of varying degrees of pleasantness. I like kids very much, but I also like giving them back at the end of the day, or when they need money/diapers changed/etc.

    Also, I grew up poor, as in living in a trailer. My parents gave up things they wanted in order to give my brother and me basic necessities, and maybe occasional things that we wanted. I don't want to work my fingers to the bone and scrimp and save and all that to make a better life for my children. If every generation does that, who gets to actually have a better life? I want my earnings to allow me a house and a horse and travel and nice and sometimes frivolous things without feeling guilty about them.
    "Remain relentlessly cheerful."

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  15. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by wireweiners View Post
    I'm an attorney for Child Protective Services. I'm around that "other type of parent" every day. I still don't see that many totally obnoxious kids. I try to go with the flow, I don't let misbehaving kids bother me. After all, I don't have to live with them. But apparently there are some people on this board whose ears are so sensitive that a crying child upsets them greatly.
    My issue isn't that the child is crying and therefore disrupting my life. My issue, when I see badly behaved children, is that I see them as children who have the potential to become decent human beings, and who are instead being encouraged to be brats. I don't hate the child for throwing a temper tantrum. I hate the parent who thinks the solution is to just cave and hand the kid a Nintendo DS and a $20 bill to keep it quiet, rather than teach it to become a good citizen. The screaming and disrespectful child is an annoyance now that will develop into a major issue once it's old enough to vote and drive and hold a job and do other things that impact my life much more than crying does.
    "Remain relentlessly cheerful."

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  16. #96
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    Well I'm not older, but I did have my tubes tied 2 years ago. When I met DH 8 years ago since he was 9 years older then me I flat out asked if he ever wanted kids because if he did then I would not be the woman for him. I never wanted them and no amount of time would change that. I didn't want to take the chance to be a father away from him if that is what he wanted so I put that right up front. He was fine either way. Had the tubes tied due to medical reasons, but I would have done it when I was 18 if I could have. Heck I would have done it when I was younger then that

    We figure we could foster if we really felt like being parents. There are more then enough kids out there looking for a home. Besides I love my lesson kids but they go home! I don't want to give up time with DH, the horses, or the small amount of money that we have as "extra".



  17. #97
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    No regrets. Never really wanted to go through labor and then raising any. Totally happy with my choice and life!
    "Relinquish your whip!!"


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  18. #98
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    Oct. 22, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by wireweiners View Post
    Lordy, while I totally do not care whether or not someone chooses to have kids, that attitude of Meup and others is totally depressing. I'm glad I'm not that sour and jaded about life. Not to mention, that they are totally wrong about population growth. The fact is the birth rate is dropping in most developed countries to the point where populations are becoming unsustainable. In order to keep civilizations alive, new generations must be born. Someone must come along to replace older populations.

    I get that some of you don't like children. But the rude and disrepectful way you speak about them is atrocious. I can't stand it when people refer to kids as "spawn" or "brats" or other derogatory terms. Would you use the N-word to describe a person of African descent? Or call a homosexual person a queer? Its the same principle. Plus where are all these rude, bratty children you complain about? I go out quite frequently and work with kids and I don't see that many bad ones. A kid crying in Walmart doesn't get me in a tizzy. I swear, there seems to be quite a number of people on this board who have "the world revolves around me" attitude and "no one shall disturb my life with their's". No man is an island, folks.
    Thank you, Wireweiners! Great post. I too have no problem whatsoever with people who choose not to have children. Of course it's a perfectly good and reasonable choice for some people. But the prevalence of extremely negative attitudes toward children and parents is a weird and dismal aspect of coth forums.


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  19. #99
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    This is a bit long and rambling...

    I'm 36. When I was in my early 20s, I wanted to have kids, but I definitely wanted to be married. That didn't happen in my 20s, and it really bothered me. It did not help that I moved to a part of the country where people get married young and nearly everyone has children right away. Childless by choice makes you a social oddity here.

    When I was about 26 I remember thinking "What if I don't have kids?" Suddenly, the need to get married was gone. I opened up my thinking to the possibility that I would have a life without children, and that allowed me to look at things in a completely different light. My sisters both had kids by this time, and I knew pretty well what was involved, both the good and the bad.

    So, I moved forward with my life, focusing on work, friends, and enjoying horses. I've had significant success in my career in the past 10 years, and that would not have happened on the same level if I had kids. My workplace is very family-friendly, but people with kids have more important priorities than work. I need my job to finance my life and horses, so work is my #1 priority.

    I kept thinking "If I meet the right guy, and if he wants to have kids, and if he makes enough money so I could stay home with the kids, then yes, I would have kids." That's a lot of "ifs", and I've become accustomed to a comfortable life with my horses, and I wouldn't want that to change. I have strong feelings about parenting, and despite being a 100% career gal now, I would absolutely want to stay home full time if I had kids.

    Most of my friends have kids, but most only have one, and none were planned. At some point every one of them has said "I love (name of kid), but if I had to do it all over again..." Some are in unhappy relationships, too, and it makes my life of freedom without kids seem really attractive. It's a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence, I think.

    My BF is much younger than me (28), and he says he doesn't want kids. However, he will sometimes say "If I'm so unlucky as to have a kid, I would never let him do that". So, it makes me wonder. He's great uncle material, not so much great dad material. My ex had a child in high school who was given up for adoption, and the idea of children scared the crap out of him.

    The biological window is almost closed for me, and I had a medical issue arise that may lead to a hysterectomy. Part of me just wants to get it done so the question of having biological kids is 100% answered. I like the idea of adopting a non-infant child, but being a single parent is a big challenge and not something I would do right now by choice. Maybe I'll feel differently in 5 years.

    I do have concerns about where the world is going and the quality of life new generations will have. But, part of me thinks "Well, maybe you could make the world a better place by being a parent and raising a child who will make a positive difference in the world". The other part of me thinks "I can influence children around me in a positive way without needing to be a parent".

    I very much enjoy the life I have now, and I don't think I would have this same life if I had kids. I would have a different life, not necessarily better or worse, just different. I have four nieces and a nephew, and I like being the "cool aunt" with the horses. When I die, I may be the wealthy aunt who leaves them an inheritance.


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  20. #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by paulaedwina View Post
    I am from the Caribbean, and worse, I'm in my 40s so I'm old school from the Caribbean. Years ago I was in the grocery store and came upon a young boy (upper single digits maybe) sitting on the floor in the magazine/pet food aisle reading a magazine. A woman (probably his mom) comes to the top of the aisle with the cart and says to the boy,

    "Name, I couldn't find your favorite brand of X, how about this other brand of X?"

    To this day that child did not even look up and acknowledge this woman. She waited for a while and then went away.

    LOL. The West Indian in me wanted to wing a can of cat food at him and say, "BOY your MOTHER is talking to you!!" Surely that is what would have happened in Trinidad back in the day.

    Paula
    If I may, there may have been a consequence that you did not see. If I had been that mother the impulse to wing a tin at him would have risen up in me but what I would have done instead is go back to the cereal aisle and buy a box of Bran Buds or something similarly card board like and say nothing further to my dear child. Then, when they are faced with eating cardboard for breakfast for a week, I will simply remind them that they rudely made no response and therefore I made the choice for them.

    Don't assume there was no consequence because you did not see a confrontation.

    Also, it is quite astonishing how a young boy can be so into "the zone" that they see and hear nothing else. We are having dog training issues (subject for another thread) and we tried close tethering the dog to my 11 year old son. He was sitting on his bed reading, holding onto a fairly short leash and was so absorbed in his book that he did not notice the dog POOPING ON HIS BEDROOM FLOOR. Yes, really. And yes, he had to clean it up
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.



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