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  1. #61
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    Thought about it in my mid 30's, talked to alot of friends and everyone said if you don't have a burning desire to have kids, don't do it. I didn't. I'm 40 and honestly not sure how poeple find the time!!

    Don't regret it at all
    I have horse to sell to you. Horse good for riding. Can pull cart. Horse good size. Eats carrots and apples. Likes attention. Move head to music. No like opera! You like you buy.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  2. #62
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    OP, as you can see, having or not kids is not a one size fits all.

    You are going to have to find your own way around that one.

    I will say, our mother never did like us kids.
    She made it clear that we were here just because our father wanted kids.
    He did, was over the top happy to have us around and in reality took most of our care when we were little.

    Just be sure that, if you have kids, you really want to have them and then having them will make you happy.
    If not, pass.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #63
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    I grew up never wanting to have kids. Got married at age 30, wanted kids at age 36. Adopted dd when I was 39. I will turn 44 this year and am paper-chasing for second adoptive child.

    Things change. At 26 you are still so young. Don't do anything you don't fully want to do or not do. lol. Do what you want to do and be comfortable with that. Don't cave into doing something b/c you think you should.

    And I agree with previous poster in that having children doesn't change you if you don't let it. It isn't rocket science to raise happy healthy responsible and respectable children. I'm sort of a neurotic got to be doing 3 different things at a time every hour of the day type of person... having to care for a baby made me appreciate slowing down and doing things on "baby time".

    I do love nesting, having a family, having the cat, dogs, fish, plants children in the house. And the hubby is fun to, lol.



  4. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alternate Realityyy View Post
    26 is definitely still too young to make the call! You still have so many years of youth and freedom ahead.

    I actively dislike babies ("Want to hold little Ms. My Perfect Baby?" Me: "Hell no.") and never wanted kids. My hubby and I have been together almost 10 years, and he already has a son (now 10) and has been desperately (like, really) wanting another since 2 years into our relationship.

    My friends and cousins started having kids, and I thought that would make me want them, but nope, still zero maternal instinct. However, my doctor said I was getting oldER and if kids was on the table, we should at least start trying. Ha ha, 10 weeks off my IUD I was preggo. When I saw the heartbeat for the first time, hubby was getting all misty eyed and I was like "Wow, it looks like an alien!".

    Although I know how much work it will be, I like to think of him/her as a compliment to our life, a welcome addition like a new friend who, even though it wasn't love at first heartbeat, it could very well be love at first sight (but if not, I'm okay with that too, the kid and I will figure it out. )

    You can set goals in life, but sometimes you just gotta roll in life and see where it leads. I like to think of this more like a new, exciting adventure!
    Oh my the Alien part of your post was totally me....... We never really wanted kids when we met and married but our pregnancy was an oops and Mr Horseymum was all misty while I was not. I have to say that although I was always sort of put off by babies I did quite like mine. Miss Horseymum wasn't any different than other babies, but she was mine and there have certainly been lots of adventures these last seven years. I have discovered that kids only really "cramp your style" if you let them. We are very attached attentive parents, but we just take our daughter on our adventures with us, it is fun to see things through her eyes. Congrats on your little alien :0
    Last edited by horseymum; Feb. 4, 2013 at 07:40 PM. Reason: forgot to say something



  5. #65
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    I'll be 63 in June- have been very happily married to my husband for 40 years next December. Neither of us had any desire to raise children of our own. I taught in public school for 25 years and substituted for another two in NJ ( 4th grade, 6th grade and 8th grade) and loved most of it, but was not sorry to not have children of our own. (Could have, but worked quite hard not
    to... ) Loved our nieces and nephews (still do), but had no desire to have our own.
    I now volunteer at a therapeutic riding center and work with disabled children and adults and love it. We have had a comfortable life, but would never have been able to do the things we wanted to do if we had chosen to have children and had to worry about providing them with a college education, etc. It may be selfish, but I was never sure that I would have been a good parent anyway.
    All I can say is that you are young, and have several years to decide. But it was a good decision for us.
    stained glass groupie
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  6. #66
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    Meh... who want's kids? They are work. And expensive. And they require so much care and feeding and they puke and poop and OMG what a hassle!!

    But seriously... at 42 my body is getting desperate. It knows it's never been pregnant and it's pissed. Fortunately I know better. I've also got an older mare in the barn who was raping her stall today. No joke, that mare was humping the dutch door. She's serious Mommy material but no deal for her either!

    There are LOTS of ways to help with running the world if that's what you are after. Plenty of kids need fostering, older folks need someone who cares, etc. And if you do have kids, there is NO guarantee that they are going to hang around and help you out in your old age.

    I see friends of mine (not so young anymore....) who couldn't quit smoking or drinking if it meant saving the planet from Klingon invasion, who still claim they want kids. They scare the crap out of me.


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  7. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by clanter View Post
    You maybe missing an opinion: adoption

    Adopted kids still suck down money and time...
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  8. #68
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    I am thinking about selling shares of my uterus.

    Everyone wants me to have a kid... everyone but me!
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  9. #69
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    I don't think of myself as 'older' (40), but I have never even come close to wanting kids. I have never had anything but complete distaste for the idea. Everyday, I think about how glad I am that I live in 2013 & get to choose how I live my life (at least 4x/day, if not more).


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  10. #70
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    Wow, so many responses, thank you! I'm not thinking of it as a 'now or never' proposition; I know I have time, but I want to be smart about it. We would both be excellent parents (in my opinion ), but we won't be jumping in without both being full on board (unless we have a 'surprise', in which case we are willing to make an enthusiastic and loving go of it).

    Quote Originally Posted by clanter View Post
    You maybe missing an opinion: adoption
    You are right, that is an option too. I figured it's something I can worry about later, if I really start to get clucky, as it's not time/fertility dependant.

    Quote Originally Posted by horseymum View Post
    ... I wouldn't change a thing though.
    Thanks, horsey mum. The just-have-one idea occurred to me a couple of weeks ago and it seems like a pretty good option in a lot of ways.

    Now, I'm not sure if I can explain myself well, but whenever parents say "I wouldn't change anything" or "it's hard but I'm glad that I have them", I sometimes wonder if it's a bit of a cop out (as in, can't never admit to it not being worth it or what they hoped for). But then, I've never felt love as a mother because I am not a mother. Can you explain why you wouldn't change anything? Do they make you happy/satisfied, bring you joy/laughter/love? What is the good that goes balances the hard work?

    Quote Originally Posted by Saidapal View Post
    ... and your young enough that it's a decision you don't have to make today. So for today say "no kids", and let the future take care of itself.
    Quote Originally Posted by MILOUTE55 View Post
    not sure about the rest but 26 is young nowadays
    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    You are young. There is no need to make this decision now. Enjoy a few more childless years and see how you feel then.
    You are all right, I suppose, but I would like to be able to plan my career/life. You know, make long-term goals and get things in motion without having to think about when/how children would fit in. If I'm going to have kids, chances are high that it will be in the next 5-10 years, so I feel like anything worthwhile I start now (e.g. business, or major riding campaign) will just be put on hold or sold after a short while anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by MILOUTE55 View Post
    I won't tell you that he didn't change my life, cause yes he is my whole world and I'm no longer able to do many of the things I used to love. But it's a whole different stage of life I guess, and I find it very enjoyable and rewarding.
    Can you expand on the good parts more? Rewarding to be teaching and bringing up a young child? Seeing their delight in the world etc?

    Quote Originally Posted by Snugglerug View Post
    Also, don't assume that having children guarantees you'll have them nearby to keep you company and care for you in your old age. Or that they'll want to have that relationship, even if they're only 15 minutes away.
    That is a good point, thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by SMF11 View Post
    Personally I never talk about how wonderful my kids are to other people just like I never talked about my good grades in college.

    But I will say this: there is nothing, NOTHING, that comes close to my love for them. There is nothing better in the world than loving and being loved by your children.

    If I never had kids I would not know what I was missing, and I would be perfectly fine and very happy without them. But I write the above so you get a more realistic picture of parenting.
    Thank you. It is nice to hear more of the good side to parenting. My picture is painted fairly dimly at the moment!

    Quote Originally Posted by paulaedwina View Post
    I am 44 and do not regret not having babies. I would love grown children (I guess I want my cake and eat it too), but never wanted to produce them or raise them. I guess ideally I'd love to marry into a ready made family -I'd be step mom.
    Ha - yes, I can understand the appeal of that! If I was ever widowed I think I would be more than happy to marry someone with pre-existing children.

    Quote Originally Posted by S1969 View Post
    However, I will say that I never wanted *a baby* - I wanted a family. I wanted a family like I grew up in, with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and grandchildren. I wanted to have grown children to hang out with in my retirement like my parents do; and I wanted to have grandchildren to visit when I get older. It wasn't just the BABY part...it was the lifetime of having a FAMILY.
    Yes! I loved growing up with bunches of cousins and aunties and uncles. Spending holidays at our grandparents with them all. Sadly, all of our siblings are anti-children (we are both the oldest though), and I think I would be keener if/when they start having kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by Larksmom View Post
    I wonder what I missed. One of my friends who had a baby in her thirties said she knew she would love her as much as she did, and that it woud be as much work as it was, but she didn't know it would be so much FuN! I cannot answer that. I know a lot of women these days do not want kids. Had I married, I probably would have had them, just don't know. But at 59, I STILL hear my mom mourning the fact that I don't have kids.
    I think it makes you a better person, this is a generality of course, but it teaches you the real meaning of sacrifice. I think it also teaches you what real love is. I now I am clueless on that one.
    BTW, I do not regret what I cannot know.
    Thank you for your very thoughtful and honest perspective, Larksmom.

    Quote Originally Posted by HungarianHippo View Post
    It's very interesting to hear your friends being so honest about their misgivings. Rare, in my experience -- refreshing that they can talk about the impact motherhood without calling into question (I assume) their complete love and devotion to the children.
    It is refreshing, but I do wish they would share some more of the good things! It never occurred to me to infer they don't love their kids - I understand that it's a challenging job and that people can have conflicting emotions at times.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiger Horse View Post
    I never considered myself "mom material" and was told I could not have children without medical intervention. Met and married a wonderful man with 2 children from a previous marriage - motherhood every other weekend did not seem so daunting. Then, I discovered I was pregnant (at 34) on my honeymoon - my "miracle" baby was born 19 years ago. Was it hard, yes - motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Was it all worth it - YES. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without her and just having lost my DH, I thank God every day for my miracle.
    I'm really sorry to hear you lost your husband recently, Tiger Horse. My heart aches for you, and I'm glad you have your daughter.

    Quote Originally Posted by RuBee View Post
    I had an unplanned child at age 31 (best thing that ever happened to me). I wanted another child when he was 2 but for a variety of reasons that wasn't feasible. Now I/we have have spent 35+K trying to have another in my late 30s-40s without success.
    Ouch, that is rough - I am sorry to hear that. I hope it still happens for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by clint View Post
    It was a lot of work, but my life is much richer for it. I'm sure I would have been fine had I not gotten pregnant, but I love having a now-grown daughter.
    Would you mind expanding, if possible on how your life is richer? I would love to have grown daughters, and I love my relationship with my mum as a 'grown daughter'. Hmmm.

    Quote Originally Posted by wireweiners View Post
    So at the ripe old age of 50, I adopted a 5 year old. I won't say its all been roses, but its overall been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Adoption is only expensive and difficult if you insist upon a caucasian infant. If you are open to a bit of a challenge, imho, older children are the way to go. They are old enough to take care of a lot of things themselves, plus, again, imho, much more interesting than infants. So think about an older child, a minority child, or a mixed race child. Believe it or not, we even get some teens that are great kids and would love a permanent home.
    Wow, good on you - lucky kid. If you feel like sharing any more I'm all ears (little stories, the 'not roses' parts, the satisfying parts, etc).

    Quote Originally Posted by magicteetango View Post
    Anyway my point is... yes I will vent to friends at times about how frustrating it is that DS1 still wakes up 7-8x a night, and its all me who gets up with him, and how exhausted I am. Yes I have those moments, but I have way more really really good ones. I do share those as well but you know how people get stuck on the more negative things at times.
    That is true. I think I need to listen more for the happy stories .

    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    OP you are young, no need to make this decision now. Enjoy a few more child free years with your husband and then re-evaluate. I would say you need to think about it more seriously in your early 30's but not now.

    I adopted my youngest when she was 20 months and I was 46. That is a little on the older side....my DH and I sometimes look like her grandparents (and feel like it too lol) but 26...pah...you're still a baby!
    Haha, thanks - I guess?? I feel old. It is nice being child-free.

    Quote Originally Posted by BuddyRoo View Post
    I always thought it would just happen when the time was right and I'd be fine. Knowing that we have to work for it has made it harder.

    I will probably never have a child of my own and I kind of mourn that loss. I didn't WANT to til I met the right person and then it became a challenge.
    It is hard stuff. Best wishes to you in your pursuit of motherhood .

    Quote Originally Posted by candyappy View Post
    Kids are not life sucking parasites that feed off their parents. Kids are a joy to have and a blessing.
    Thank you - these two sentences really stuck out to me. I guess they've been what I wanted to hear, since usually I hear the opposite.

    Quote Originally Posted by S1969 View Post
    I would caution you, however, against waiting until your late 30s to "decide" whether or not to have kids. Many women do have successful pregnancies in their late 30s but fertility starts to decline rapidly after the early 30s. But you definitely don't need to decide YET - you are still young!
    Fear of infertility is one thing keeping this on my mind - no, I don't have to make The Decision right now, but I wish I could make a plan. I feel like I don't have much time .

    Quote Originally Posted by Kryswyn View Post
    I'm like Oliverreed, EXCEPT, I very much regret it. I would've been an excellent mother (I come from a long line of excellent parents). I was an excellent instructor of small children and I would've been capable of homeschooling.
    It's good to hear from the apparent minority who did regret it, Kryswyn. Thanks .

    Quote Originally Posted by Hippolyta View Post
    I don't think of myself as 'older' (40), but I have never even come close to wanting kids.
    Sorry, by "older" I meant more or less past the point of bearing children.



  11. #71
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    Well, humans are not mice, but plenty of studies show that at birth, there is a cascade of hormones that make the mother absolutely over the top in love with that bundle of joy.
    If you give the mice something to stop that cascade, they will give birth and walk off, leaving the offspring laying there.

    A bit more complicated than that with humans, but yes, hormones for many start the love for a mother's offspring that evolution provided so parenting is an irresistible drive.
    I heard a mother speaking about her experience as a first time mother as "the whole world was alight and the brightest spot was her child and she and the world around her was bathed in immense, beyond words bliss".

    I wonder if other mothers here had similar experiences about becoming a mother?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bluey View Post
    OP, as you can see, having or not kids is not a one size fits all.
    Definitely.

    I'm in my mid-30's and don't want kids, but I like my nephews and my friends' kids. Sometimes there are moments when I wonder what my life would be like if I them (usually when the little ones are being cute, not when they're smearing their food into their chairs).

    But does my best friend sometimes wistfully sigh for the time when she had no kids, and look forward to when hers will be old enough to be largely on their own? Of course. Doesn't mean she doesn't love them, or regrets having them, but it's notmal for there to be an element of "what if" about the road not taken.


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  13. #73
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    Ok, OP, here's some of my experiences as an older adoptive mom of an older child. First, the "not roses" part. There definately was an adjustment period. I had been single a long time and was not used to sharing my space/time with another person. DD, bless her heart, had been in 5 or 6 foster care placements through no fault of her own. So for the first 3 months or so, she could throw some epic tantrums. In hindsight, I really think that subconsciously she was trying me to see if I really was going to keep her. Kind of, this is my worst, what are you going to do about it. Now, I've been working with horses and dogs my whole life so I was damned if I was going to let a 5 year old get the best of me. OTOH, I had some pretty unrealistic ideas about parenting. I was going to have this perfect child, we would have home cooked nutritional dinners every night with classical music in the background while we discussed the events of the day, she would only watch educational TV, yada, yada. Once I learned to relax, pick my battles and go with the flow, things go a lot better. Corndogs and SpongeBob aren't all that bad. On the "roses" side, she was and is an amazing person. She is very smart, creative and artistic. She "sees" the world in a different way than I do and it is very interesting looking at things from her perspective. I didn't just get a handful of dandelions bouquet when she was little. I got wildflower bouquets arranged with attention to height, color and textures in creative containers and tied with grass bows. I swear as a 5 yo, she would bring me flower arrangements that were worthy of a florist. She is athletic and a talented dancer so I became a "dance mom" for about 9 years. She still dances on the school team.

    Now she is 15 and we have the typical teen mother/daughter things. She can cop a 'tude at times, has no concept about thinking ahead or planning for things, and other typical teen things. But she is gifted at math, is generally kind, makes good grades, and is very level headed about things like boys, drugs etc. Plus she does follow my rules about the major things without too much griping. I think she has a very bright future.

    One other thing, she will come through in a pinch. If something happens that puts us in crisis mode, she comes through without questioning or complaining. For example, when she was around 7, the tractor bailing the hay behind our house caught fire and caught the hay meadow on fire. The fire was very close to our house. DD did exactly what she was told, helped me feed the hose over the fence so I could fight the fire and then got the dogs out of the house. She didn't panic, didn't cry, just came through like a trouper.

    For me, she gives me fresh eyes on the world. She reminds me of what it was to be young, to believe in something and fight for your cause. I feel very priviledged to watch her grow up and I'm glad I was able to give her the "roots" if you will, to blossom into a wonderful adult.


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  14. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by wireweiners View Post
    I was going to have this perfect child, we would have home cooked nutritional dinners every night with classical music in the background while we discussed the events of the day, she would only watch educational TV, yada, yada.
    lol...we had the same fantasy.
    I also had the fantasy that I would set up a play pen under a shade tree by the riding ring and my infant son would nap while caressed by gentle breezes while I rode. HA!!!
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.


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  15. #75
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    At 26 I had no desire to ever have kids. At 28, I had met a man who made me consider. At 29, married and urchin on the way.
    A lot can change at this period of your life. I never had the burning desire to have kids. Never. When I met DH and things began moving along, I thought, "If I ever were to...It would be with him." We are stopping at one. I never wanted kids. I don't want to be a baby factory. I'm glad I've done it once, I would not do it without the right partner.
    "In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has widely been considered as a bad move." -Douglas Adams



  16. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by SMF11 View Post
    Look -- you can (and will) be happy either way.

    Personally I never talk about how wonderful my kids are to other people just like I never talked about my good grades in college.

    But I will say this: there is nothing, NOTHING, that comes close to my love for them. There is nothing better in the world than loving and being loved by your children.

    If I never had kids I would not know what I was missing, and I would be perfectly fine and very happy without them. But I write the above so you get a more realistic picture of parenting.
    I don't want children but I wanted to respond to this. I have no doubt that this is how you and most people feel about their kids but there are definitely moms that don't. My mother had us and I think regretted every single day of it. I think she felt that it was what she was supposed to do and so she did. I have a friend who had a daughter and 9 months into it just left. Her husband really wanted the baby and she kept thinking her feelings would change when it was here but it didn't and she skipped town. I don't condone this action of course but it does happen. There are definitely parents that have kids and do not feel this level of love to or from the child. Very sad but true.


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  17. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snugglerug View Post
    I believe raising a child is the most important job in the world--to important for someone like me who never had a passion for the job.
    This is exactly how I feel. I will be 37 tomorrow, and have been married for 10 years (really 9 years and 49 weeks, but who's counting?) I told my husband from day one I wasn't interested in having kids, and at 21 he was OK with that. As we've gotten older, his feelings have changed, and I suspect he would like to have a child even more than he lets on.

    I still feel the same as I did when we met...kids are important. They are the future. And they should be shaped and cared for by people who want them more than anything else. And that's not me.


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  18. #78
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    ditto Jack16. We all need to take care to not make pronouncements about what "the other side" is missing.
    My aunt walked away from her 3 small children. And she is not an evil person.
    Try to break down crushing defeats into smaller, more manageable failures. It’s also helpful every now and then to stop, take stock of your situation, and really beat yourself up about it.The Onion


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  19. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by HungarianHippo View Post
    ditto Jack16. We all need to take care to not make pronouncements about what "the other side" is missing.
    My aunt walked away from her 3 small children. And she is not an evil person.
    In no way did I write my post to say what the other side is missing -- I believe I said a person can be happy with or without kids.

    However, the OP asked if parenting was all hard work and no sleep (to paraphrase) and I was giving her my perspective, and my opinion that people focus on the negative more than the positive. It is so easy to say "Oh my god, I got 2 hours of sleep last night because little poopsie kept me up." Most parents (that I know) don't also say "It gives me such joy to watch my son play soccer because he loves it so much."

    As for the Moms that had kids even though they didn't want to . . . I wish they could have had a little more insight and self-knowledge. I don't think you necessarily KNOW you want kids (I didn't anyway), but maybe a good litmus test is "are you maternal in other areas?" Do you care for animals in a nurturing way? It's just a theory, but my guess is if you are nurturing to other creatures, you'll be nurturing to babies and children too.



  20. #80
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    Quote Originally Posted by HungarianHippo View Post
    ditto Jack16. We all need to take care to not make pronouncements about what "the other side" is missing.
    .
    I agree. That should definitely go both ways.
    Audaces fortuna iuvat.



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