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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Dec. 18, 2006
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    NY
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    I agree that you have plenty of time to make a decision.

    However, I will say that I never wanted *a baby* - I wanted a family. I wanted a family like I grew up in, with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and grandchildren. I wanted to have grown children to hang out with in my retirement like my parents do; and I wanted to have grandchildren to visit when I get older. It wasn't just the BABY part...it was the lifetime of having a FAMILY.

    I think if you have that feeling, you will be happy when you have children. Of course it is hard work, especially when they are young. But it's a new adventure, and every year it is different. There are sacrifices, but there are rewards, and that balance changes all the time. So it's not just about "having kids"....at least not in my opinion.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
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    Aug. 17, 2012
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    1,141

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    33 here, turning 34. My husband and I actively do not want children. I have 0 interest in children - not even playing at doting auntie or babysitter. No thanks! I've never wanted kids, either. When I was little I would get sad when I thought a out growing up and having babies because it seemed so awful - I didn't realize that it was a choice, I thought it was what was done.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 1999
    Location
    flyover country
    Posts
    1,909

    Default no kids and somtimes I wonder

    I wonder what I missed. One of my friends who had a baby in her thirties said she knew she would love her as much as she did, and that it woud be as much work as it was, but she didn't know it would be so much FuN! I cannot answer that. I know a lot of women these days do not want kids. Had I married, I probably would have had them, just don't know. But at 59, I STILL hear my mom mourning the fact that I don't have kids.
    I think it makes you a better person, this is a generality of course, but it teaches you the real meaning of sacrifice. I think it also teaches you what real love is. I now I am clueless on that one.
    BTW, I do not regret what I cannot know.
    BTW again, 26 is VERY young!!!!!
    Another killer of threads


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Feb. 2, 2003
    Location
    Iowa, USA
    Posts
    2,234

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    In my mid-40s, no kids and absolutely no regrets. I've always felt like you better have a burning, consuming, and long-standing desire to have children before you do (because, really, I don't think there is ANY other decision in life that is as important, life-changing, and irreversible than having a child). I know others will say that you are never 100% sure and you just need to take a leap of faith.

    It's very interesting to hear your friends being so honest about their misgivings. Rare, in my experience -- refreshing that they can talk about the impact motherhood without calling into question (I assume) their complete love and devotion to the children.
    But as trite as it sounds, this is your decision alone. What they're feeling is not a predictor of how you'll feel, any more than the millions of testimonials from parents who say it's the best thing in life.
    Try to break down crushing defeats into smaller, more manageable failures. It’s also helpful every now and then to stop, take stock of your situation, and really beat yourself up about it.The Onion


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2007
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    2,134

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    I never considered myself "mom material" and was told I could not have children without medical intervention. Met and married a wonderful man with 2 children from a previous marriage - motherhood every other weekend did not seem so daunting. Then, I discovered I was pregnant (at 34) on my honeymoon - my "miracle" baby was born 19 years ago. Was it hard, yes - motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Was it all worth it - YES. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without her and just having lost my DH, I thank God every day for my miracle.
    "I am still under the impression that there is nothing alive quite so beautiful as a thoroughbred horse." -- John Galsworthy


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Nov. 28, 2012
    Posts
    19

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    You are young and can wait a while before deciding. Remember there is an option of freezing embryos or eggs. It is far better to plan ahead rather than decide when you are 40 that you really want kids. I had an unplanned child at age 31 (best thing that ever happened to me). I wanted another child when he was 2 but for a variety of reasons that wasn't feasible. Now I/we have have spent 35+K trying to have another in my late 30s-40s without success.



  7. #27
    Join Date
    Oct. 13, 2011
    Location
    Central Va.
    Posts
    673

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    Mid-fifties, happily married for 30 years, no kids, no regrets.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Mar. 16, 2000
    Location
    Chatham, NY USA
    Posts
    4,100

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    67. No kids. Only regrets, if you can call them that, concern some of my cherished belongings - and who will give a sh!+ when I die. Or if I get really sick. Partner of 30+ years is 83, so he probably won't be around.

    I DO have two "daughters" who worked for my video business for several years; they'll care, but would not be in a position to care FOR me.

    As one ages, I think you start to think about this sort of thing, but I never once regretted NOT having a child (and I did have the option once).

    Carol
    www.ayliprod.com
    Equine Photography in the Northeast


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar. 11, 1999
    Location
    Clayton, CA USA
    Posts
    4,912

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    I was a person growing up who had no interest in having babies, baby sitting, or anything much relating to kids. My family was a bit dismayed that I didn't want to have them, and was adamant about it. I kept that feeling until I was 34, and then it went away, and we decided we wanted a child after all. I had a baby when I was 35. It was a lot of work, but my life is much richer for it. I'm sure I would have been fine had I not gotten pregnant, but I love having a now-grown daughter.

    You still have lots of time to make the choice to have kids. At 26, I was absolutely positive kids would never be something I chose.
    Mystic Owl Sporthorses
    www.mysticowlsporthorses.com



  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 2010
    Location
    Texarkana, AR
    Posts
    1,522

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    I was like a lot of you when I was in my 20's and 30's, too busy having a good time, doing what I wanted to do, etc. to have children. Plus I never found "Mr. Right". Then when I was about 40, I went to work for CPS. Working with abused/neglected children made me realize just what a good childhood I had growing up on the farm with horses, dogs, etc. and I began to want to give that kind of childhood to a child. I was like a lot of you in that I don't "do" babies, either. So at the ripe old age of 50, I adopted a 5 year old. I won't say its all been roses, but its overall been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Adoption is only expensive and difficult if you insist upon a caucasian infant. If you are open to a bit of a challenge, imho, older children are the way to go. They are old enough to take care of a lot of things themselves, plus, again, imho, much more interesting than infants. So think about an older child, a minority child, or a mixed race child. Believe it or not, we even get some teens that are great kids and would love a permanent home.

    Also, I firmly believe that the best parents are the ones who have interests and are happy with themselves without children. Children can add a great deal to your life, but they are ultimately their own person and can't make you "complete" or happy. That's too big a burden to place on a child.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Oct. 6, 2002
    Location
    Philadelphia PA
    Posts
    15,369

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    Is it weird that I kind of think I might someday want a kid but I don't want to have them myself and don't find babies particularly appealing? I feel weird saying that... but I'd really like to step in and start with a kindergardner!?!
    ~Veronica
    "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"
    http://photobucket.com/albums/y192/vxf111/


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Oct. 18, 2007
    Posts
    22

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    I am younger than you, 24, and in the past year ended a serious relationship because of this! My (now ex)boyfriend knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was going to have kids one day and that I would change my mind and want them too.

    I LOVE seeing how many people on here never had kids and are perfectly happy with their lives. Thanks for starting this thread!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Feb. 22, 2000
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    passepartout
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    Quote Originally Posted by SMF11 View Post
    But I will say this: there is nothing, NOTHING, that comes close to my love for them. There is nothing better in the world than loving and being loved by your children.
    While I hear what you're saying, a statement like yours might lead someone to believe that they're missing out on something if they don't have children. That fear of 'missing out' is a very real one for many women, and, IMO, the source of considerable anxiety, especially for those in their 30s.

    I've known a number of people who had children out of this misguided sense of fear and obligation. Not everyone should take on the mantle of parenthood, and if you choose to, it should have nothing to do with a fear of missing out on something.

    I would amend your statement to this: There is nothing better in the world than loving and being loved. No need to qualify the other in the equation -- it's the emotion that matters, and there are plenty of opportunities for love in this world that don't involving having your own children.



    23 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Feb. 4, 2004
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    2,613

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    Quote Originally Posted by paulaedwina View Post
    I would love grown children (I guess I want my cake and eat it too), but never wanted to produce them or raise them.

    Paula
    That's EXACTLY how I feel! I love the relationship I have with my parents, and would love to have adult kids for that reason, to have that life experience together.

    There is just never a moment in my current life when I wish I had kids, or feel like I am missing out, in the moment.

    I'm 35 and was never interested in kids, assumed one day I would be, since most women seem to be, but it looks like for me it isn't happening.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Dec. 14, 2007
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    217

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    Quote Originally Posted by JER View Post
    I would amend your statement to this: There is nothing better in the world than loving and being loved. No need to qualify the other in the equation -- it's the emotion that matters, and there are plenty of opportunities for love in this world that don't involving having your own children.
    I have to (respectfully) wholeheartedly disagree with this. I would not amend that statement at all. Because it's true. Yes, loving and being loved are truly wonderful things and yes, there are myriad opportunities for both. But love for one's children (biological, step, adopted, whatever) is simply not like any other.

    But I would think that if someone doesn't want children then they wouldn't be concerned about "missing out" on anything, would they? I'm not being cheeky, that's an honest question. Like if you don't want kids (and more power to you if that's your choice) why would you even consider it a possibility that you were missing out on anything?
    Audaces fortuna iuvat.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Apr. 9, 2012
    Location
    NYC=center of the universe
    Posts
    1,914

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    No kids and no regrets. My fiancé and I have horses. I'm 42.

    Yes, I do feel the need to love and be loved, by something I take care of. And my two horses definitely fill that need.

    This was a mutual decision. Well, the part about not having kids was mutual. The horses were all me!! Interestingly, he's absolutely bonded with them and feels very parental towards them, as I do.

    I also feel that not everybody should have kids, as some people just are not up to really truly caring for anybody else. And then some people, like me, just are not that interested in having kids.

    It's a very personal choice.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Mar. 25, 2011
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    5,039

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    Why would you consider the possibility that you're missing out on something? Because everybody seems to want to go the other way. When you feel like you're swimming against the tide you sometimes want to make sure you're not missing something in the message. So everybody seems to want children and you don't so you reach out and ask around and find out that indeed not everybody wants children. This can explain many situations, not just having children.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    4 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,198

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    I'll be 50 this yr. No kids. Never really wanted one. I am very happy with my life. I like kids well enough, but never had the desire to have any of my own.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
    Posts
    1,909

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    I was on the fence with having kids. I would never have considered it at all with anyone but my DH. I started feeling like I needed to make a choice, I saw him with children and knew he would be an excellent father.

    Then I got pregnant on the pill. Then again 3mo after DS1 on the IUD with DS2. But back to DS1... I knew I wanted to have him, but it was when I fell while riding in my first tri and knocked myself unconscious that as DH was so worried about me all I could think of was What about the baby? I swear I hardly got off the bed for two days and just prayed that he would be okay. That was when my absolute terror at all the things parenthood entailed started to give way to being very excited to have him. DS2 I freaked about at first too, so hard to have two ones that little and DH works out of town a lot... I had no idea how I would handle it. But I do thankfully.

    Anyway my point is... yes I will vent to friends at times about how frustrating it is that DS1 still wakes up 7-8x a night, and its all me who gets up with him, and how exhausted I am. Yes I have those moments, but I have way more really really good ones. I do share those as well but you know how people get stuck on the more negative things at times.


    I would never ever want any of my friends to make that choice based on my or anyone else's experiences or marriages or what have you. DS2 has slept through the night since he was like three weeks old, every single baby is different. Every marriage is different. So set all of that aside and make your own decision just for you.

    Also agreed you are very young, you have many more years to decide. I am only 26 now, I was 24 when I got pregnant with DS1. Looking back I can't believe I put so much pressure on myself over this decision. Take all the time in the world and for now enjoy your kid free life too. No getting around that it totally changes when you have kids, but (if you want children obviously) definitely worth it.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2005
    Location
    The Prairie
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    5,422

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    Quote Originally Posted by clanter View Post
    You maybe missing an opinion: adoption
    I adopted both of my children and I can assure you they are just as much work to raise as biological ones.

    OP you are young, no need to make this decision now. Enjoy a few more child free years with your husband and then re-evaluate. I would say you need to think about it more seriously in your early 30's but not now.

    I adopted my youngest when she was 20 months and I was 46. That is a little on the older side....my DH and I sometimes look like her grandparents (and feel like it too lol) but 26...pah...you're still a baby!
    I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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