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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2009
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    475

    Default Older riders who chose not to have kids - any regrets?

    Always presumed I wanted to have kids, but as I enter a time of life where doing that is appropriate (married, financially stable, not too young (26) etc), I find my self not so sure.

    Many of the parents I know (kids of all ages) seem almost too honest about how hard it is and how much your life changes. One (wonderful, committed) mother admitted to me she wished she'd stopped at two (she has four, and one of the younger ones is mentally disabled). Others hint that if they had their life over, they might go without. I have one friend the same age as me who recently had a baby, and their marriage is not doing particularly well (pre-baby issues amplified by baby).

    To be honest, the idea of not having kids is quite freeing. No matter how good my lovely husband is, if we had kids I am the one who gets pregnant, the one who breast feeds, the one who would be primary care-giver (we need his income). It's a huge tie and unavoidably a significant (and permanent) interruption to my life/career (ha). But being childless - wow. I could start to build something, and keep working on it over the next few decades, and spend my resources on my own riding and horses and not divert most of it into raising children. Seems like bliss.

    But ... would I regret it when I'm 50? 60? 70? Not having a next generation to enjoy and watch/help grow? Having lived my life selfishly and done the things I wanted to do when I was young, but potentially being lonelier as I get older? I mean, I like kids. I coach Pony Club a lot, enjoy having them around, seeing them be successful and grow. Perhaps they could be my children by proxy .

    What did you choose? Why? How old are you now and how do you feel about it?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2006
    Location
    Fort Worth, Texas
    Posts
    3,739

    Default

    You maybe missing an opinion: adoption


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2001
    Location
    Almost Aiken
    Posts
    2,515

    Default

    Nope, not sorry at all.

    Had a great time teaching kids to ride for a while, I enjoy watching friend's kids grow, but I'm very very happy to be childless. I'm 51 FWIW.

    I'm selfish about my alone time, and I really really need my peace and quiet (more than just the occasional bath with the door locked). I was never cut out for kids, and I'm very happy with a husband and a houseful of animals.

    Come to think of it, I don't need children - I have a husband to take care of


    13 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 3, 2013
    Posts
    318

    Default

    I am in the same boat. I never wanted kids my whole life and am 27 and still feel the same way. My mom always said I would grow up and want kids but so far my opinion has stayed the same. I used to babysit and teach riding lessons to kids and am fine with them for short time periods but can't see myself being happy long term with my own kid. Luckily my boyfriend feels the same way but there are certain days where I wonder if it's the wrong decision. I have a great relationship with my mom and will be missing out on that without kids. On the other hand my brother is a huge headache to her constantly getting into trouble. I do know a number of older couples with no kids who are perfectly happy with their lives. I see myself happier without kids for the reasons you listed above. I can continue to ride my horse, train my dog, travel...do the things I want to do.

    clanter I am adopted and I don't think that answers the question above. Adoption can be much harder than having a baby it's a really long, expenive emotional process. I think the OP is questioning having kids more than how to have a kid.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May. 26, 2011
    Posts
    819

    Default

    Late 50's, never had kids and don't miss them.
    "I couldn't find my keys, so I put her in the trunk"


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec. 20, 2012
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    137

    Default

    Well, I am 35 and we had little miss pony when I was 27. It has been hard work, I am the primary care giver as we need DH's income, I wouldn't change a thing though. Now we are only having one child, by choice, so I do have to put lots of effort into getting my daughter out and about, although her riding helps that lots. I don't find that having a child has impacted my life in a negative way. I still ride, still do stuff with my dogs, travel, eat out at nice restaurants.....we just do all these things with our daughter. I think that just having one is certainly easier. If we had more than one then I don't think that we would be able to do all the things that we do now.
    It is such a personal decision, good luck with it.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul. 22, 2007
    Location
    South of Georgia, North of Miami
    Posts
    1,117

    Default

    I'm in my late 50's and I never chose to NOT have kids, life just worked out that way for me. Am I sorry - no. I think things turnout the way they were supposed to.

    I've been able to take chances I NEVER would have been able to take if I had been responsible for a child, and I doubt I would have been able to be involved with horses for 40+ years. Both of my sisters have a kid each, and they have both been in the same jobs for 20+ years. I would slit my wrist if I had to do the same thing over and over for 20+ years, but that was the choice they made to support their kids and it was the right choice for them.

    Only you can decide if its right for you and your young enough that it's a decision you don't have to make today. So for today say "no kids", and let the future take care of itself.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr. 5, 2007
    Location
    Tampa FL
    Posts
    663

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kalidascope View Post
    not too young (26)
    not sure about the rest but 26 is young nowadays

    You seem like you've got your life under control, I for one was not that stable at 26! I wasn't even married yet. I was traveling the world and enjoying my life... well here I am 6 years later with a 5-year failed marriage and the most amazing 2 year old boy ever. I won't tell you that he didn't change my life, cause yes he is my whole world and I'm no longer able to do many of the things I used to love. But it's a whole different stage of life I guess, and I find it very enjoyable and rewarding.
    My only advice is for you to enjoy your life now, there really is no rush and you can make a decision in a few years


    5 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec. 9, 2011
    Posts
    416

    Default

    I'll be 50 this year, happily married, no kids, no regrets. I believe raising a child is the most important job in the world--to important for someone like me who never had a passion for the job.

    Also, don't assume that having children guarantees you'll have them nearby to keep you company and care for you in your old age. Or that they'll want to have that relationship, even if they're only 15 minutes away.


    20 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    6,851

    Default

    You are young. There is no need to make this decision now. Enjoy a few more childless years and see how you feel then.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan. 17, 2008
    Location
    Dutchess County, New York
    Posts
    3,917

    Default

    Look -- you can (and will) be happy either way.

    Personally I never talk about how wonderful my kids are to other people just like I never talked about my good grades in college.

    But I will say this: there is nothing, NOTHING, that comes close to my love for them. There is nothing better in the world than loving and being loved by your children.

    If I never had kids I would not know what I was missing, and I would be perfectly fine and very happy without them. But I write the above so you get a more realistic picture of parenting.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec. 1, 2007
    Location
    Gettysburg, PA
    Posts
    2,589

    Default

    I wouldn't worry about it now, see how it goes in the next 5 years. I am childless and have not regretted it. I am happy being the "cool" Aunt and can enjoy friends children. I have a niece who spend 4-6 wks with us in summer as she is just like me and into horses. I love that time with her, but cannot say I miss having a child here the other 10-11 months.
    Epona Farm
    Irish Draughts and Irish Sport horses

    Join us on Facebook


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
    Location
    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
    Posts
    9,143

    Default

    43 and don't regret that part of life. I just never "got" kids... don't understand the burning desire to have them at all. Accepted, loved and adored XH's kids... still do, ESPECIALLY now that they're a little older (more independent and interesting imho -- DSD and I are going to see P!NK next month!). But babies?? Anything to do with the puking, spitting, pooping, drooling things? uh... no thanks. I know that sounds harsh, but really... i don't get babies!
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike


    11 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2011
    Location
    East Longmeadow, MA
    Posts
    2,833

    Default

    I am 54 and I always thought I would have kids, never did (I'm a firm believer that you need a father/husband to do this, never worked out before biological clock bit the dust). I don't regret it at all and I suspect I might not have been a great mother.
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!


    7 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 14, 2007
    Posts
    210

    Default

    I think you are still very young. You mey yet decide that you do want children. Personally, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Like SMF11 said, there is simply nothing like it. Yes, it's hard work, but it's the most gratifying hard work you'll ever do.

    I don't believe that it's selfish not to have children. I know plenty of incredibly selfish people who have had children. My 3 best friends from high school never had children. Two don't mind, one wishes she had. So you'll never know until it happens.

    But there's no need to plan it all out now. My God, it seems I've lived a lifetime since 27. (Man, where did it go??). I wouldn't even bother to think about it at all. Enjoy yourself. Life's too short.
    Audaces fortuna iuvat.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2004
    Location
    South Park
    Posts
    3,018

    Default

    Never wanted them - happy I don 't.
    Like spending time with the nieces and nephews (I have 13!) but very much like to give them back at the end of the day (or week.)
    A friend told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    38,397

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fordtraktor View Post
    You are young. There is no need to make this decision now. Enjoy a few more childless years and see how you feel then.
    That.

    I am close to 70, no kids and happier than happy.
    Had I had kids, I expect I would still be my happy self.

    You will make your happiness, with or without kids, don't fret about it.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 25, 2011
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    4,976

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    I am 44 and do not regret not having babies. I would love grown children (I guess I want my cake and eat it too), but never wanted to produce them or raise them. I guess ideally I'd love to marry into a ready made family -I'd be step mom. Or I'd love to be part of a big polygamous clan -I'd be happy to help raise them, but I never wanted any of my own.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar. 14, 2002
    Location
    The horse country of VA
    Posts
    3,286

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FitToBeTied View Post
    Late 50's, never had kids and don't miss them.
    Same here, only I'm in my "mid" 50's.

    Quote Originally Posted by Snugglerug View Post
    ...
    Also, don't assume that having children guarantees you'll have them nearby to keep you company and care for you in your old age. Or that they'll want to have that relationship, even if they're only 15 minutes away.
    This, and apathy can be the least of the evils dealt by children against their parents (and/or grandparents).
    Equus Keepus Brokus


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 17, 2012
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    131

    Default

    I'm 25 and many of my friends are already having kids and giving me grief about not wanting them. I don't see why not wanting kids is selfish. No one HAS to have kids. It's a choice.

    My mother didn't have me until she was 35 so you still have lots of time to think about it.


    1 members found this post helpful.

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