The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1

    Default Feeling both sad and relieved

    My son moved today. Feeling a little sad because he's headed to Florida with a friend, so God knows when I'll see him again.

    But overall I feel relieved. Does that make me a bad mom?

    He's 24, so certainly time to move out. When he moved back in, the deal was he had to pay rent and help with some things around the house. Well, none of that really happened. Periodically got some rent money, but none of the chores got done, and he was less than useless with housework. The worst was the disrespect and the way he would scream at me all the time.

    I'm not sure where I went wrong in the parenting department. He was certainly punished as a child when he did something wrong, but still given nice things, vacations, private school.

    He does have a good side -he can be really funny, has a very strong work ethic - his employers have all loved him, he's smart and has a big streak of common sense.

    We just don't get along. If this adventure of his doesn't work out, I can't let him move back in. I can't take the stress. But I'm still sad that he's going to be 20 hours away.

    Is this conflict normal?
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar. 19, 2010
    Posts
    413

    Default

    'Is this conflict normal? '

    YES. The purpose of child-rearing is to create an independent adult. Teen-age years are the years when conflict happens as part of a normal loosening of the ties. Your teen-ager was 24... so the conflict was probably a little stronger on both sides. When he is an independent adult the family ties will become apparent again and what you previously thought of as a loosening of the ties will re-emerge as bonds tied in a different configuration

    He's an adult. You don't have to live with him if you don't want to. You don't have to have a reason beyond 'no that doesn't work for me'. Stop thinking of it as an 'adventure' he's moved out! Have a party!



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2004
    Posts
    4,951

    Default

    Dreamwalker - thanks so much. What a great way to look at it. He may be numerically 24, but emotionally a teenager.

    What I don't get is, when he was 18, we had a huge blowout and I kicked him out. He moved to RI, got an apartment, worked 3 jobs and was actually an adult.

    Then he decided to go into the job corps, which we all thought was a great idea - he'd come out with a skill and be able to make a living. Then he came home and just regressed.

    So yeah. He's an adult. And needs to stand on his own two feet.
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.



  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    6,170

    Default

    I'm 26, and I still cannot get along with my mom when we're around each other for any period of time.

    I am a much happier person away from her, and I also turn into that bitchy, irritated, sometimes snappy, yelling daughter whenever we're together (and the same with her). It's like we feed off each other's bitchiness. This attitude that I get then transfers into any other relationships. As soon as I moved out, I didn't have that constant bitterness or anger that I had living with her.

    My mom was a great mother, I had a great childhood, no abuse, was always loved, was disciplined when needed, had to work for things I want. It's not like I dislike my mom, its just like we bring out the worst in each other.

    Sometimes, parents and children just get on each others nerves, and time apart is the best thing. I cannot imagine ever having to live with my folks again...
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2003
    Location
    NorthEast
    Posts
    24,869

    Default

    Adult children can become a big pain in the butt when they're still home...I think Mother Nature designed it that way for some kids so the parents don't feel bad kicking them out of the nest.

    Not all children. All kids are different. But it's definitely not uncommon. And it's also not uncommon for the parents to heave a little sigh of relief when they do leave the nest.

    A lot of times the screaming and not helping out is misguided rebelling against them feeling like a "bossed around little kid" when they're an age they know they're adults.
    You jump in the saddle,
    Hold onto the bridle!
    Jump in the line!
    ...Belefonte



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 22, 2004
    Posts
    4,951

    Default

    Thanks for sharing your wisdome and insight, guys.

    I guess I'm too close to it to see things clearly.

    We do get along much better when he lives far away. New England was the perfect distance. I could drive up for long weekends - we had some great times in Boston and Newport.

    Florida is just too far for visits.

    Well, since they are headed down there with no jobs and no place to live it'll be interesting to see how long it lasts.
    http://www.tbhsa.com/index.html

    Originally Posted by JSwan
    I love feral children. They taste like chicken.



Similar Threads

  1. should i be worried or relieved?
    By silanac in forum Sport Horse Breeding
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: Sep. 28, 2012, 12:55 PM
  2. What is this I'm feeling?
    By SnicklefritzG in forum Dressage
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: Dec. 13, 2011, 06:46 AM
  3. So happy/relieved/thankful and wanted to share.
    By acoustic in forum Off Course
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: Sep. 20, 2010, 06:16 AM
  4. Replies: 2
    Last Post: Jul. 13, 2009, 08:56 AM
  5. Not sure what it is I'm feeling right now
    By VAHorseGurl in forum Off Course
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: Nov. 5, 2008, 11:32 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness