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  1. #1
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    Dec. 3, 2012
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    Default In light of all the relationship-oriented threads...

    I know there are many older, wiser women than I on this board. So I have a question for you. I have only had two serious relationships in life, and the guys were in some ways opposite ends of the spectrum. First BF was romantic, sensual, really took his time in bed.. BUT he was useless in everyday life. Did not want to take a "regular job", as he called it. He was a talented web designer but never figured out how to make money at it. Second BF/now husband is hard-working and responsible. He doesn't make a lot of money, but I can count on him to pay his share of the bills. But he's not romantic in the least. Without going into the "TMI" details, he has two modes: sleeping on the couch in front of the TV and WANT SEX NOW! He has no concept of intimacy, making a woman feel like she's a queen, like he has all the time in the world. I'm not saying it has to be like that EVERY time, but on the weekends would be nice!

    I know this sounds weird but my dad and I are very close, and I've shared some of my frustration with him. He maintains that all good lovers are "con men." ?! Now I know that can't be the truth, there have to be SOME men out there that are unselfish in bed yet responsible and genuine and all those other qualities that are just as important in a partner. But I guess in order to find that kind of man, one has to sleep with a lot of guys. Which has never been my style. And now there's the fact that I am married. I have actually thought about leaving before since I am still young and it's almost like if I am not happy then what's the point? FWIW, I have expressed my feelings about this MULTIPLE times to my husband, always nice and respectful, and he has made some minute changes but overall I still feel like it's the same old crap. That isn't the only problem in our relationship, either. He also has a temper and has said some really nasty things to me before. He can go from 0 to 60 in no time at all. :-(

    So, is it even possible to find the kind of man I'm talking about? Or is it a far-fetched fantasy?



  2. #2
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    Sep. 2, 2008
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    I'll give this a shot, although I'm neither old (24) nor wise.

    My current SO is what you're looking for. He's mature, responsible, hard working yet still romantic and sensual. The only down side, and this may just be him, is that his libido is lacking. He great and making couple time for us, but sex isn't an every day (or even every week sometimes) thing for us. I have a much higher sex drive than he does and in the beginning of the relationship it caused a bit of animosity between us. It's now been 2 1/2 years and we've figured out a system that works for us. Plus if he's not up for it, I can take care of things myself
    **Friend of bar.ka**

    Fils Du Reverdy (Revy)- 1993 Selle Francais Gelding
    My equine soulmate


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  3. #3
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    Apr. 14, 2001
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    Fort Collins, CO
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    Quote Originally Posted by alter84 View Post
    So, is it even possible to find the kind of man I'm talking about? Or is it a far-fetched fantasy?
    Oh, honey. Yes, there are men that are unselfish in bed and genuine and romantic and sweet and kind and responsible and driven and successful. Yes, you really CAN have all that in one guy. And you don't need to sleep around to find it...but you do have to not settle.

    Since you're married, it's a little tough to give the DTMFA advice, but I'm afraid that's what I'd tell you were you not. Especially since it sounds like you have worked hard to communicate that you need things a little bit different. He sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed jerk, and I worry about how his temper and verbal abuse will develop over time. Please be sure to take care of yourself.

    Counseling for the both of you would help, perhaps. If he's unwilling to go with you, please go on your own.

    Best of luck. You deserve a guy who thinks what you think and feel is important.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Feb. 4, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simkie View Post
    Oh, honey. Yes, there are men that are unselfish in bed and genuine and romantic and sweet and kind and responsible and driven and successful. Yes, you really CAN have all that in one guy. And you don't need to sleep around to find it...but you do have to not settle.

    Since you're married, it's a little tough to give the DTMFA advice, but I'm afraid that's what I'd tell you were you not. Especially since it sounds like you have worked hard to communicate that you need things a little bit different. He sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed jerk, and I worry about how his temper and verbal abuse will develop over time. Please be sure to take care of yourself.

    Counseling for the both of you would help, perhaps. If he's unwilling to go with you, please go on your own.

    Best of luck. You deserve a guy who thinks what you think and feel is important.
    Someone else that reads Dan Savage?

    Communication is key. You have to tell him what you want. If that's the price of admission, bet he'll pay


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Apr. 14, 2001
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    But she has, Dazed:

    FWIW, I have expressed my feelings about this MULTIPLE times to my husband, always nice and respectful, and he has made some minute changes but overall I still feel like it's the same old crap. That isn't the only problem in our relationship, either. He also has a temper and has said some really nasty things to me before. He can go from 0 to 60 in no time at all. :-(
    Which, well, sucks! if he's not stepped up and made more than token efforts to meet her needs.

    And love Savage! Alter, spending an afternoon reading through the archives might lend some perspective: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/S...e?oid=15588253



  6. #6
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    Oct. 12, 2005
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    Va
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    Default

    Yeah simke. They're out there. Had one myself for almost 40 years. Miss him every hour of every day.

    No advice - but take care of yourself. Counseling is a good idea.



  7. #7
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    Dec. 3, 2012
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    Thank you. I'm afraid I've really gotten myself into a pickle. That's what happens when you let one thing pile on top of another, emotionally speaking, and don't learn how to take care of yourself. If I can get out of this one I'm going to spend a lot of time in therapy just working on myself before I even dream about getting involved in another relationship. If you guys only knew the full story, you would


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  8. #8
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    Aug. 10, 2009
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    902

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    Quote Originally Posted by alter84 View Post
    Thank you. I'm afraid I've really gotten myself into a pickle. That's what happens when you let one thing pile on top of another, emotionally speaking, and don't learn how to take care of yourself. If I can get out of this one I'm going to spend a lot of time in therapy just working on myself before I even dream about getting involved in another relationship. If you guys only knew the full story, you would
    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I've been in similar situations, where it's all or nothing on either the good guy or sexual chemistry end, and it sucks when a big piece of the puzzle is missing. There MAY be hope for your husband, but honestly, if I were you, I'd start therapy now. That way, you can bring him in if he is open to it, and either way, you are building a support system and help with setting boundaries and communicating, which will serve you well even if the marriage ends.

    To answer your original question, yes, you can find both in one person. I've been lucky enough to be in a long term relationship with one of them, and am currently dating someone who seems to fit the bill as well. Neither of us are perfect, but we are both committed to improving our communication and that has been really amazing for me, coming off of a long term relationship with ZERO intimacy- physical or emotional. I think the key is finding a person who understands that sometimes it will take work, and many times it is not work that you are necessarily INTERESTED in, to make a relationship successful. It sounds like you are willing to work, and he is not, and that is so frustrating. But at least you know that you have given an effort and now it's time to get some professional help to work through all of it while you decide if this marriage can be saved.

    Best of luck, feel free to PM me, I feel like in a past relationship I could have written your post. While it took a lot out of me at the time, I learned an awful lot from it, so it definitely was not a waste. Hugs to you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    Dec. 3, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by NeedsAdvil View Post
    I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I've been in similar situations, where it's all or nothing on either the good guy or sexual chemistry end, and it sucks when a big piece of the puzzle is missing. There MAY be hope for your husband, but honestly, if I were you, I'd start therapy now. That way, you can bring him in if he is open to it, and either way, you are building a support system and help with setting boundaries and communicating, which will serve you well even if the marriage ends.

    To answer your original question, yes, you can find both in one person. I've been lucky enough to be in a long term relationship with one of them, and am currently dating someone who seems to fit the bill as well. Neither of us are perfect, but we are both committed to improving our communication and that has been really amazing for me, coming off of a long term relationship with ZERO intimacy- physical or emotional. I think the key is finding a person who understands that sometimes it will take work, and many times it is not work that you are necessarily INTERESTED in, to make a relationship successful. It sounds like you are willing to work, and he is not, and that is so frustrating. But at least you know that you have given an effort and now it's time to get some professional help to work through all of it while you decide if this marriage can be saved.

    Best of luck, feel free to PM me, I feel like in a past relationship I could have written your post. While it took a lot out of me at the time, I learned an awful lot from it, so it definitely was not a waste. Hugs to you.
    ((Hugs)) Yes, therapy is going to be a priority for me this year. It really helps to hear from people who have been there. Sometimes I feel like the only one who's unhappy and isolated in their marriage. It doesn't help that I have few close friends. My dad is really my only friend, and he can only offer a man's perspective. I thought maybe I was crazy and I should just be happy I have someone who's hardworking and whatever. But there was always that small voice in me that said, "why are you settling for this?!" The same voice that screamed "no!" when I was about to get married. I knew it was the wrong choice, and I felt so guilty. I was brought up to respect marriage. I feel like I've committed a horrible "sin" and even worse if I get divorced..but what do I do, spend the rest of my life miserable? He is not likely to change as he's been like this for the three years I've been with him.



  10. #10
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Virginia
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    Default

    Good for you for giving yourself permission to think these thoughts. One thing I've learned over and over again is how many points of view and ways to live there are in the world and they are (well, most of them) all fine!

    You just need to figure out what you want in life and give yourself permission to go for it. Trust yourself and believe your dreams can come true, then figure out how to achieve them.

    Best of luck



  11. #11
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    Mar. 27, 2008
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    Mine's not bad.


    You can't have him.

    You are what you dare.



  12. #12
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    Apr. 21, 2008
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    Somewhere in Texas YEEHAW!
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    850

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    I'm not (too) old lol, but YES, those men do exist and NO, you do not have to sleep around to find them (and if you're sleeping around, you aren't going to have much luck finding a man who will be there for you in the non sexual ways).

    There is a big difference between having a "relationship" and "being with somebody because he can provide". You didn't mention kids in the equation, so why are you staying with somebody who doesn't fulfill your needs emotionally or physically? Those are the two most important parts of a relationship and you aren't getting either of those things.
    OTTB CONNECT
    FB group for all things related to non racing Thoroughbreds.. Click here to join ~~~> OTTB CONNECT



  13. #13
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    Oct. 25, 2012
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    Default Needing to feel "like a QUEEN?!!!"

    Wow. That one tops the New Year list of First World Problems. Yes, in light of all the "relationship" threads I've been reading here:

    (1) He's not out running around with other women.
    (2) He pays his share of the bills.
    (3) You are compatible enough to live together in the same house.
    (4) You presumably loved each other when you got married and
    (5) Presumably, you still do?
    (6) He's not crazy, addicted, a gambler, or chasing you with an axe?

    Sidle up to him on the couch during a sexy ad and tell him what you want for New Year's. As though you were discussing a lovely present. Tell him it would mean a lot to you if he could spend a little more time; and that would mean more sheets-time for him, too.

    But don't be surprised if the leopard can't change his spots. Some men are too embarassed to do a lot of foreplay, some lack the necessary continence, some think all you're supposed to do is lie there are tolerate the act. You're probably not going to reprogram the socialization of his whole adult life at this late date.

    Which is why God gave you your good right hand . . .


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  14. #14
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simkie View Post

    And love Savage! Alter, spending an afternoon reading through the archives might lend some perspective: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/S...e?oid=15588253
    May I add, OP, that you can't just tell the guy what you want, but might have to teach him the "craft skill" of pleasing you. It's a balancing act-- not making him feel incompetent, not making you feel like he's a DNA-based vibrator, and enjoying it. Maybe Savage has the dialogue on tap for how you explain what this "seminar" in bed is going to be like. But after that, you have to show the guy.

    Also, is "unselfish in bed" an official synonym for going down on a woman? Or does it mean getting really into pleasing her in a more general way.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  15. #15
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    Jan. 27, 2002
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    new england,,usa
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    Default

    i wanna know why your dad says good lovers are con men!

    wtf?!!!



  16. #16
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    Mar. 19, 2010
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    Honey, if you had more women friends you would have figured out a long time ago that your Dad's advice is worth jack-shit.

    My man is a great lover...and a great man. The two are not exclusive. We have been married 26 years and his being both hasn't worn off yet

    IME those guys are are giving and thoughtfully generous (and I don't mean showering you with gifts) are the ones who are also giving and thoughtfully generous in bed, so you don't have to sleep with a bunch of men to find that out...I've done the research for ya

    So get thee to a therapist and widen your circle of friends. Whether your man chooses to learn to be more giving in bed will be up to him. But if he is not thoughtful of you in other areas of your life then it might be too big a challenge for him.


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  17. #17
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    Jul. 3, 2012
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    "FWIW, I have expressed my feelings about this MULTIPLE times to my husband, always nice and respectful, and he has made some minute changes but overall I still feel like it's the same old crap. That isn't the only problem in our relationship, either. He also has a temper and has said some really nasty things to me before. He can go from 0 to 60 in no time at all. :-( "

    Sounds just like my husband...for him, it's Asberger's Syndrome. Sharing didn't help. His 'temper' is agitation. And I sure can identify with the nasty statements!

    Do some research and see if there are other similarities that might indicate high functioning autism spectrum.



  18. #18
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    Dec. 3, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Eboshi View Post
    Wow. That one tops the New Year list of First World Problems. Yes, in light of all the "relationship" threads I've been reading here:

    (1) He's not out running around with other women.
    (2) He pays his share of the bills.
    (3) You are compatible enough to live together in the same house.
    (4) You presumably loved each other when you got married and
    (5) Presumably, you still do?
    (6) He's not crazy, addicted, a gambler, or chasing you with an axe?

    Sidle up to him on the couch during a sexy ad and tell him what you want for New Year's. As though you were discussing a lovely present. Tell him it would mean a lot to you if he could spend a little more time; and that would mean more sheets-time for him, too.

    But don't be surprised if the leopard can't change his spots. Some men are too embarassed to do a lot of foreplay, some lack the necessary continence, some think all you're supposed to do is lie there are tolerate the act. You're probably not going to reprogram the socialization of his whole adult life at this late date.

    Which is why God gave you your good right hand . . .
    Yes, I DID say he has his good qualities. Otherwise I wouldn't have married him, you're right. But I still felt like it was a mistake then and I still do now. Again, MY fault. I never said my situation was terrible, either. I know a lot of women are beaten, raped, controlled, etc. and that hurts my heart, to be honest. But still, life is short and I'm still young, and I think I deserve to be happy. I didn't do anything wrong. I could be cheating on him, but I never have and never will cheat on anyone. On the contrary, I've tried over and over again to communicate with him but it doesn't make a difference. I respect your opinion, though.



  19. #19
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    Dec. 3, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by suz View Post
    i wanna know why your dad says good lovers are con men!

    wtf?!!!
    Older, Mediterranean (old school) man. And according to my mother he sounds a lot like my husband in this respect. lol.



  20. #20
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    Dec. 3, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dreamwalker View Post
    Honey, if you had more women friends you would have figured out a long time ago that your Dad's advice is worth jack-shit.

    My man is a great lover...and a great man. The two are not exclusive. We have been married 26 years and his being both hasn't worn off yet

    IME those guys are are giving and thoughtfully generous (and I don't mean showering you with gifts) are the ones who are also giving and thoughtfully generous in bed, so you don't have to sleep with a bunch of men to find that out...I've done the research for ya

    So get thee to a therapist and widen your circle of friends. Whether your man chooses to learn to be more giving in bed will be up to him. But if he is not thoughtful of you in other areas of your life then it might be too big a challenge for him.
    Lol, good advice. Actually he's not too bad in other areas of life. He's not much of a communicator, but he will do things for me without me even having to ask (de-icing my car windows, getting me tea when I was feeling sick, etc.) I have to give credit where it's due. Not sure why his caring doesn't translate to the bedroom--maybe he doesn't think it's that important? He did grow up in a super conservative Christian home, and it sounds like he was made to feel guilty for having sexual feelings, so perhaps that still affects him subconsciously.


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