[altermetoday]

So...the end of 2012 is kinda crappy... a conflict with a long time friend has come to a head over the holidays and I chose to back off, and take some time to me...we both had a part in the issues..I will take ownership in my delivery of communications and have expressed that to my friend...but recent developments caused me to back away completely from the friend.

I got a text today while working with a client that is rattling me...essentially she has taken no ownership for her part inthe issue and is actually placing all the blame on me...after i've already tried to wrok out what I know to be my part... now I'm getting all the blame...wtf? I'm the cause for ending the friendship?(which I never ended, I just chose to back away for awhile because i was too emotional to deal with now)_

This is the second time this happened with said friend...first time, occurred when there was an accident at their farm...they lied to me, i found out, confronted them about it and then they placed a whole lot of crap on me like it was my fault...i was the one lied to ... how did they turn the issue into my fault?????

At any rate, how do you deal with people who take no ownership for issues and who will twist things to make you the bad guy even if clearly you are not... or only partially responsible? This text tonight is rattling me, coming on NYE...and I don't know how to respond.. my response now is to wait to respond so I'm not emotional and reply wiht something equially wrong...

Any suggestions?

[Natalie]

Those people are the worst, in my experience because you'll never convince them that they were truly in the wrong. The best ones are so good at convincing themselves that they'll have you questioning your own sanity and starting to believe that you really are the one fully to blame. Can you tell I've dealt with this before?

Anyway, no real advice as these sorts can be intractable. Sometimes you just have to take a loss on these sorts of relationships and realize you're better off without them in your life.

[gieriscm]

I wouldn't bother responding. Simply block the number, unfriend themm on facebook, and find better people to have around as friends.

[SLW]

I get rid of people like that faster than last weeks garbage.

[katarine]

If you want to find the truth between you two:
start with facts
then explain how you interpret those facts
then ask them to fill in their facts, their interpretation, and pursue the truth - the truth will out,if you pursue it. If you pursue blame, you'll just fight. If you pursue the truth via unvarnished facts, the blame will land where it lies.

Or just dump them if you'd rather. The choice is yours .

[Canaqua]

I cut people like that loose, I don't deal with them.

[Dakotawyatt]

Get them out of your life, you'll be much more happy. While it may be painful initially, toxic relationships only suck the happiness out of you.

[katarine]

the good thing that comes of pursuing the truth is the peace that follows. I ended a friendship this way,put it on the table and the person had to apologize, they were so plainly, obliviously wrong and just trying to bull through it and past it- by presenting the facts with unwavering patience, they had to say 'I'm sorry'. So I got to hear it, and I got to walk away with no anger or resentment. It's over, but it's peaceful, too.

[threedogpack]

I'm the cause for ending the friendship?(which I never ended, I just chose to back away for awhile because i was too emotional to deal with now)_

This is the second time this happened with said friend...first time, occurred when there was an accident at their farm...they lied to me, i found out, confronted them about it and then they placed a whole lot of crap on me like it was my fault...i was the one lied to ... how did they turn the issue into my fault?????

You can't fix this if you want them to own part of it. You can only own what YOU did. If they won't own their part, and you need them to, it's a done deal.

[mvp]

IMO, you need to own the fact that you are attempting to control the friendship by *not* communicating... and yet you want to keep the friendship "in reserve" for when you have your emotions sorted.

I'm probably a bit like your friend (save trying to work out a fight with a friend in text, ferchrissake). I'd consider your move a tad manipulative since you can't be blamed for unilaterally controlling things or even of having any unsavory motivations.

I say this because in my family, we divided up the kinds of sins folks committed. I did things, so you could see whom to blame and for what. Mine were sins of commission. Others *didn't* do things, preferring the slicker sins of omission category.

Harder to pin down, no less effective IME.

[Monica67]

The best response is no response at all. Especially if you are emotional. As someone stated up-thread, you will never be able to convince them to take ownership. Don't waste time arguing with their ignorance. You will never win.

Back away even further and cut that so called friend out of your life. With friends like that, you don't need any enemies.

[halo]

I dont understand whats to deal with. Happens once, work on it. Happens twice...Im done. Unless you just enjoy the drama, which Im thinking a lot of people do.

[JanM]

Dump them, move on, and don't look back. Some people are so self-centered that everything is someone else's fault, and they will never change. It's not worth one second of your time to even worry about them. Unfriend, block and delete them from your life. And someday if they come back, walk away because they will pull the same behaviors again. And prepare to hear from others how she's trashing you, and that's not important either, because people recognize drama queens like her and discount what they say.

[clanter]

At any rate, how do you deal with people who take no ownership for issues and who will twist things to make you the bad guy even if clearly you are not... ?

works well for the president

[LauraKY]

Just walk away.

[cheval convert]

If you would like to try to salvage the friendship, and I am not suggesting you do, send an email taking ownership for your part in this mess. Then tell her that when she is willing to take ownership for her part in it, you will be willing to talk. Most likely you will not hear from her but you at least will know that you have left the door open and she has chosen to end the relationship.

Also, be prepared for an email diatribe against you. If this happens have all of her future emails go to your junk email box, unfriend her and block her from your phone. (I for one refuse to be insulted in my home on the electronic devices that I pay for!)

[laskiblue]

If this is a repeated thing, it doesn't sound like the "friendship" is worth the breath to say the word. Just walk away - life is too short to be dealing with anymore unpleasant people than you absolutely have to.