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  1. #21
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    Nov. 2, 2006
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    Hugs



  2. #22
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    Jul. 14, 2003
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    MA
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    Tread lightly. Although you feel betrayed, and feel as though this is something that he has done to you, I wonder how he feels? What are things like toward gay and bisexual people where you live? What are his parents like-- would they disown him? What about his job--would they fire him?

    And most importantly, what about HIMSELF? How's his self esteem? I say this because suicide is very common in closeted people. They want to be 100% heterosexual, and if they are not, they feel that they are worthless or worse, that they are SINNERS.

    So although it is terrible that he lied, particularly if he continues to engage in extramarital sex, you may not be the only victim in this situation. You may not stay married to him, but I would at least find out what his side of the story is, and why he doesn't feel safe coming out of the closet.
    "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain" ~Friedrich Schiller


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Dec. 31, 2012
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    There has been a lot of dishonesty from him.

    He lied about the reason for his previous divorce, he sat by and let the children be blamed for his penis photo collection (and I agree with a previous poster that this is pretty outrageous!), he lied about his sexuality, he has suppressed information about previous affairs with mutual friends...and the list probably goes on.

    For your sake and for your sanity, I'd clear out of there at least for awhile. Get tested and get counseling.

    And be prepared for this: instead of being bisexual, he may be a gay man who has managed to have sex with women because he does not want to be out to himself as gay. This happens more often than we tend to think.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    11,280

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    I think I'd better get some breakfast before this takes off. It's gonna get wild.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
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    2,580

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    Oh......wow. I think I would just breathe.
    I can imagine the sense of betrayal - that is a very big secret when you thought you knew someone!!

    I agree about talking, you certainly need to do that
    I imagine your feelings are/will be all over the map so i agree with OR that you likely don't have to plan anything at this point. I think eventually you will get more information (from him), things will be clearer and you will know what to do. But in the meantime, your world has been rocked in a major way!

    If it were me, i'd think about going over to a good girlfriend, or family member, just to be around something/someone I trusted, to process things. It feels good to feel safe while I sort things out.

    Really, really sorry. That must feel like a body blow!



  6. #26
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    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    6,840

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    Quote Originally Posted by Eclectic Horseman View Post
    Tread lightly. Although you feel betrayed, and feel as though this is something that he has done to you, I wonder how he feels? What are things like toward gay and bisexual people where you live? What are his parents like-- would they disown him? What about his job--would they fire him?
    According to the diary:
    His parents know.
    His ex-wife knows
    His friends know


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Dec. 31, 2012
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    *
    Last edited by alteruhoh; Dec. 31, 2012 at 10:14 AM.



  8. #28
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    Jul. 14, 2003
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    MA
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    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    According to the diary:
    His parents know.
    His ex-wife knows
    His friends know
    That may be true, but perhaps he has sworn to "give it up." And perhaps he has tried. I am of the belief that many people falsely think that there is a choice, and that if they just try harder, then they will no longer be attracted to the same sex. Of course, in some religious segments of our society, they do promote the idea that homosexuality can be cured.

    My feeling is that this person is very screwed up, needs a lot of support, and some serious therapy. Just because other people "know" it does not mean that they understand and are willing to accept him for what he is. He may have "promised" to go straight or may have DENIED to himself and others.
    "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain" ~Friedrich Schiller


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
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    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by alteruhoh View Post
    I'm pretty certain he's not seeing anyone else right now as he doesn't have much time. But it sure does put questions in my mind about some of those business trips. And about a billion other things.
    I know... you can't even send him off on a guy's night out without wondering.
    I'd say at this point your trust is pretty much shattered. How ever this ends up, its going to be a bit of work isn't it?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    On the flipside of that, there are many Gay men who will whisper in his ear that he needs to "Go Gay or Go Away!" because he's living - what they perceive to be - a lie. That will certainly happen if he goes off the reservation and has a relationship with another man because they won't stand for playing second fiddle to the wife or being the side gig for too long unless it's just about the sex, which would probably be a worst-case scenario here.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Dec. 29, 2006
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    honestly, id be wondering what else husband was hiding. thats some pretty major things to have kept a secret.. and then LIED to you, letting his kids take the fall. that speaks louder than words.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    Dec. 19, 2008
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    Personally, I would insist on couples counseling. It might not fix anything but it may give you a clearer idea of what direction you need to travel that is best for YOU. If he refuses to go, go by yourself. His actions were clearly done in his own self-interest and you now need to think in that same fashion. What do I need to do for ME to get through this in the healthiest way possible? Make yourself and your health a priority right now.

    I've been deceived by men and it's an awful feeling but you will survive and you will get through this. Regardless of the outcome, whether you stay with him or leave, you will be at the other end knowing more about yourself, your expectations of other people and your own personal limits.

    Proceed how you feel is best for you. No one else here can tell you what is best to do. We don't live your life. There are a multitude of different ways you can handle this. You can speak to someone first and then confront your husband or let it all out, beat him with the notebook 'till your arm hurts and then call for an appointment or you can pack up and leave until you feel up to the confrontation, etc.... (I know one would make you feel better for the instant gratification but it might not be the best long term choice.)

    If you can't speak to a counselor right away, find a support group. There should be some that have online meetings that you may be able to "attend" and get some insight from others that have been in your, or your husband's, position.



  13. #33
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    Jan. 30, 2008
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    Germany
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    I think you need to break it down into things that you can and should get upset about. For example, I don't think it is appropriate to get angry at someone for lying or omitting facts about why a relationship ended. No one EVER tells the whole truth about why previous relationships ended. Sometimes the situation is long and very complicated with many causal factors. Sometimes telling the whole truth would make the teller look bad. Sometimes telling the truth would reveal things about the previous partner that the current partner has no business knowing (e.g. a major health issue). I never ask current partners why their previous relationships ended for this very reason. I assume when information is offered up anyway that it isn't the full story, and I am fine with that because I would likely do the same.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    Dec. 31, 2012
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    Equi, I see you. And I figured it wouldn't be long til someone showed up to rub it in. In the interest of not being a total asshat though, could you please remove your reference?

    I'm looking for help here. So yes, you're very clever and you know who I am. But the kids don't know and they don't need to.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
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    Dec. 29, 2006
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    no problem. you've gotten some good advice.

    a solid relationship is built upon truth. i sure hope he can be truthful about all this and not sweep things under the rug of place blame on someone else. this is his deal. he has lied and lied via omission to you. thats not your fault. its his.

    id seek counseling if you want to work on it.. if he doesnt want to work thru this, thats on him. and also your answer to your marriage.

    im sorry you have to deal with this. but the writings been on the wall for awhile.

    ((((()))))


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Fern Creek, KY
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    So his previous two relationships have been broken by this fact? I'm not surprised that he wanted to hide it from you. Perhaps your marriage means enough to him that he is afraid that it will take the same turn, so he would rather not say anything. Writing is probably a form of stress relief for him, this isn't a small thing that he's hiding.

    Is it right? Not really, but I get it. It sounds to me like the issue is less that he is bi and more that he's lied to you.

    Approach him about it, show him the notebook that you found, and if you want this marriage to continue (which it sounds like you do) tell him that while you are open and accepting of who he is but you don't trust him. Then let him know that you will need x,y, and z to regain that trust. I would want to go to counseling. It's helping DH and I immensely. I think though, that whatever you do, make sure you don't blow up at him. He's going to be embarrassed and ashamed which will make him defensive. He's probably going to be a little hurt that you read his notebook (I also get a funny feeling it was left out on purpose... that's kind of heavy stuff to just let hang out in the bookcase. Maybe it was subconscious?). You need to be the calm party here.

    I, personally, would have already brought it up but I'm horrible about sitting on my hands about this stuff. Props to you for being so level headed.

    ((((((hugs)))))) x's a million. What a way to start the new year. Your COTH family is here for you, though.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
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    Aug. 17, 2004
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    Rixeyville, VA
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    Alteruhoh, I am sorry that you have to go through this. The issue for me would be the deceit. And yes, I would be devastated that there seems to be a group conspiracy to keep you in the dark. I'm sure their reason is that it really wasn't their place to tell you, but you know what, they could have said something to him about keeping you in the dark.

    A relationship is about trust and sharing. I don't think you have much of a relationship right now. You might be able to go forward, but I think counseling is going to be necessary. I think it is way too soon for you decide much of anything at the moment.

    Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to right now? You need someone to support you emotionally until you can get to counseling. If you can find someone who will listen, then that's likely to help. Take care of yourself right now.
    Where Norwegian Fjords Rule
    http://www.ironwood-farm.com



  18. #38
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    Dec. 29, 2006
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    65

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    umm no. it hasnt. been copy pasted at all.

    but if your going to continue to ask for more advice thats never taken. knock your self out. same advice about honesty that was given before the wedding.

    im truly sorry everything keeps coming back to bite you in the butt, but as stated a million and a half times elsewhere, everyone needs to be truthful. only then can the issues be resolved.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
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    Dec. 29, 2012
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    La La Land
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    Quote Originally Posted by Megaladon View Post
    Maybe the notebook was left there intentionally?
    My thoughts exactly. Mabey he doesnt want to live the lie anymore. At any rate I think appologising for reading its contents is a mute point.

    I think you need to sit down and talk. Send the kids to grannies or whatever until the both of you get a base line on what you are gonna do.



  20. #40
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    Nov. 20, 2010
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    Upstate New York
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    OP, before you responded to equi, i thought her comments right on target from a disinterested party who was just on this forum.

    What matters so much in a relationship, in a marriage, is honesty. Believe me, also from experience, when someone has cheated on you, and years later you see all the other lies - just about day to day things in general even, you realize how that relationship, and its perpetrator, is not someone worth maintaining. Unless they are willing, and stick to, a very determined schedule of counseling, and even then it's questionable.

    Years later, the one thing that irks me the most about my ex, is how, by example, he continues to teach our son to cheat, cut corners, make excuses, break laws, screw the gov't, etc. The first few years of 'bliss' I have to admit were created/covered up by my own imagination - believing what I thought was a happy family/good marriage/"nice guy!". Am only glad raising our son has mostly been my responsibility, so when he does lean towards justifying his father's behavior, he does accept my admonitions to not go in that direction.

    So sorry - you must hurt to such an extent. But you have been in love with someone who wasn't what you thought he was.

    I also like the idea of moving out, then going to counseling together to see if it works. Thank goodness this happened before the two of you had children together. Best of luck.
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    2 members found this post helpful.

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