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  1. #41
    Join Date
    May. 13, 2006


    I think there's been a lot of dishonesty from both of you. If he's willing to live with your issues, that you didn't fully disclose, maybe you should be more understanding of his. You make drama over every little thing. Of course something as big as this is not something he would be comfortable opening up to you about. If I recall correctly you two weren't exactly romping in the sack anyway. Decide if you can make a life with him with his dishonesty and sexual preference, and if he can make a life with you and your dishonesty and issues. Is your marital friendship strong enough?

    4 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Oct. 8, 2002


    I'm starting to get curious as to whether op just really likes other people feeling sorry for her. There have been a myriad of problems with this relationship, and every single time the advice is the same. Usually 'talk to your husband' or 'get counselling ' sometimes it's. "Say no/stand up for yourself" too. Now we have a new issue with the same answers.

    Op, I think its time you did some serious soul searching. You need to be honest, first and foremost, and decide whether you like all your ongoing drama or not. If you really like strangers telling you what a saint you are or how sorry they are, by all means continue doing what you're doing. If you don't like it, then man up. Talk to hubby honestly, get counseling for both of you and your various issues. The answers to fixing this have been the same for years. It's easier to get the sympathy from strangers than actually fix things, I realize.

    Sorry people, if that is uncharacteristically blunt/mean or whatever. Just tired of feeling sorry for people and giving good advice that gets ignored.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.

    11 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Feb. 8, 2007


    I'm so confused. (Which on some days, it doesn't take much.) I don't recall some of the details mentioned in a few replies being mentioned in the original post. Am I to assume that other people know who the OP's real username is or that they have a second alter?

    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #44
    Join Date
    Sep. 7, 2009
    Lexington, KY


    Sorry OP.
    If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.
    ~ John F. Kennedy

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Nov. 8, 2005


    Quote Originally Posted by Superminion View Post
    So his previous two relationships have been broken by this fact? I'm not surprised that he wanted to hide it from you. Perhaps your marriage means enough to him that he is afraid that it will take the same turn, so he would rather not say anything. Writing is probably a form of stress relief for him, this isn't a small thing that he's hiding.

    Is it right? Not really, but I get it. It sounds to me like the issue is less that he is bi and more that he's lied to you.

    Approach him about it, show him the notebook that you found, and if you want this marriage to continue (which it sounds like you do) tell him that while you are open and accepting of who he is but you don't trust him. Then let him know that you will need x,y, and z to regain that trust. I would want to go to counseling. It's helping DH and I immensely. I think though, that whatever you do, make sure you don't blow up at him. He's going to be embarrassed and ashamed which will make him defensive. He's probably going to be a little hurt that you read his notebook (I also get a funny feeling it was left out on purpose... that's kind of heavy stuff to just let hang out in the bookcase. Maybe it was subconscious?). You need to be the calm party here.
    Much wisdom and sage advice, but this captures my sense nicely.

    My thought would be to start off by sincerely apologizing for reading what may have been available and perhaps on some level intentionally so, but which you ought not have read. There's broken trust on both sides. Don't minimize your culpability.

    I think having a good therapist lined up in advance -- or a short list including both male and female therapists from which he could select -- would be wise, and one that you haven't seen first, because that would feel to him like he was being set up or ganged up on. It's better to plan ahead calmly rather than to have your initial conversation possibly go badly and then make choices in a reactive way with emotions running high. You will need someone to make emotional working out feel safer to you both.
    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein

    “So what’s with the years of lessons? You still can’t ride a damn horse?!”

  6. #46
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2012


    Im bi and it isnt a problem. You loved him before why wouldn't you now?

    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #47
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY


    Quote Originally Posted by gingerlynn View Post
    Im bi and it isnt a problem. You loved him before why wouldn't you now?
    Marriage isn't just about love. It's largely about trust. OP's husband did not trust her enough to tell her about his sexuality. OP has been lied to everywhich way to Sunday. How can she trust him again?

    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #48
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2010
    Near the beach


    I'm thinking a lot of us here don't know the whole story, but I will reply to the initial post.

    I agree that blaming his kids for the porn thing was really a low blow, but i can understand, sort of, if his bisexuality ruined one relationship, that he would want to try to protect his "secret" from destroying another one. The bigger problem is if he can't be faithful to you because of it. Yes, if he has already cheated on you, then I would want out. If he is only "fantasizing" as a release for that side of himself, maybe it is better that you know now, and you can work something out in counseling.

    I had a boyfriend once who told me after about 4 months that he had experimented with a couple of different men in his past - but he said he never had "sex" with them. He said he just felt the need to explore that side, but he could definitely commit to being hetero now. Of course, I was shocked and cried, etc., but it was more important that he told me and that he could be faithful to me.

    I don't know if I'm naive, but I don't think just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean they can't be monogamous. I guess it depends on how strongly they are attracted to the "other" sex and if they can deny that part of themselves. Hopefully, he will give you an honest answer to that. Good luck...

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