The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 48
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2012
    Posts
    4

    Default Found out

    Sorry, I'm sure it's already been copy and pasted elsewhere by Equilibrium. Going to remove my comments.
    Last edited by alteruhoh; Dec. 31, 2012 at 11:11 AM.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2005
    Posts
    3,504

    Default

    Just because he's bi doesn't mean he's cheating on you.

    Look at it this way: he knew he was bi before he met you, so he shouldn't feel the need to experiment with other people. He chose you.

    Just because someone is bi doesn't mean that they aren't able to be monogamous. I'm sure you're occasionally attracted to other people, right? Do you act on it? Probably not.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this - I'm sure it isn't easy. But I don't think there's any need to really freak out. Unless you found evidence of infidelity, I wouldn't get too worried.

    You should just talk to him about it. Approach it in a very non-judgemental way, because at this point, you're the one in the wrong by reading something obviously private.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    6 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec. 28, 2009
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    1,880

    Default

    I am so sorry!

    This must be devastating, to find out the life you thought you knew, is not.

    I don't think you were snooping. It's not like you suspected something and were looking for evidence. You were trying to find out if the notebook belonged, needed to be thrown out, etc. while you were cleaning/rearranging.

    It's time to have a LONG talk with you husband. The kind were you arrange to have you kids stay with you parents (or someone) for a long weekend. Write down your notes for how you want to open up the conversation and any questions you want answered, and the feelings you are having.

    I'd also plan on having some counseling (couples or just for you) sessions as this is so big that it would be hard handle on your own.

    I am praying that you will both find a way to overcome this situation.

    PS: Most definitely get tested! He may have been faithful during your relationship, but it sounds like he wasn't and neither was his male partner prior to your relationship.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2003
    Posts
    1,702

    Default

    First, take a deep breath (once the breath you had knocked out of you returns). I think what SaturdayNightLive recommended is good advice.

    Talk to him about it. Best of luck - hope things turn out.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 1999
    Location
    Central FL
    Posts
    4,465

    Default

    Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

    You say that the writing "has resumed recently". You don't know for sure if he was writing fact or fantasy.

    Maybe he is so in love with you that he desperately hid this part of himself due to fear that you would not understand.

    As others have said, find a time when you two are alone, and sit down and TALK. Hold hands, really LISTEN to him, and decide what you can live with.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2004
    Location
    Houston, Tx
    Posts
    1,028

    Default

    I say move out now. Not because he is bi, because he was so deceptive about it, and it's a big thing. And, I'm assuming you haven't been married too long, and don't have kids together. Afrer you have moved out, you can do couples conseling if you want to try and start over. Because that's what I think you need to do have an opportunity to start over.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2012
    Posts
    4

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FlightCheck View Post
    Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

    You say that the writing "has resumed recently". You don't know for sure if he was writing fact or fantasy.

    Maybe he is so in love with you that he desperately hid this part of himself due to fear that you would not understand.

    As others have said, find a time when you two are alone, and sit down and TALK. Hold hands, really LISTEN to him, and decide what you can live with.
    Oh it's fact. It's not fantasy. The two most recent entries in the journal are about a recent project and the people involved. He must've just found the thing after having it packed away for awhile. It's a very fact based, to the point thing. Not a young lady's diary. It reads more like a lab manual than a journal. That's why I was kind of laughing and reading along. I mean, there are DIAGRAMS of FURNITURE and our HOUSE. LOL



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2011
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    5,203

    Default

    Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he was or is being unfaithful. I am sure there are things you don't know about each other anyway. I think part of this issue that's going to come up is that you read his journal so be prepared to apologize for that. In truth you knew you weren't he wasn't a virgin when you married so you know he had other relationships. That one was with a man -meh. And you don't just get diseases for being bi or gay -you have to get it from somebody and it happens to straight cheaters as well as bi cheaters and it doesn't sound like he is cheating on you.

    When you're calmer have a talk.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2011
    Location
    East Longmeadow, MA
    Posts
    3,643

    Default

    I am so sorry. You definitely need to have a straight talk with him. You definitely need to get tested for every STD out there. And I think you should make an appointment with a counselor/psychologist asap, just for you. I wouldn't make any definite move other than these three things.
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2007
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    4,507

    Default

    No more sex without condoms. Get tested, like yesterday. And tell your gyn, so she can suggest appropriate medical advice/tests.
    IMO, I'd ask myself what action I'd take if it were a diary about another woman.
    Somehow for me at least, it seems so much clearer when that's the situation.



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 12, 2004
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    7,105

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by paulaedwina View Post
    Just because he's bisexual doesn't mean he was or is being unfaithful. I am sure there are things you don't know about each other anyway. I think part of this issue that's going to come up is that you read his journal so be prepared to apologize for that. In truth you knew you weren't he wasn't a virgin when you married so you know he had other relationships. That one was with a man -meh. And you don't just get diseases for being bi or gay -you have to get it from somebody and it happens to straight cheaters as well as bi cheaters and it doesn't sound like he is cheating on you.

    When you're calmer have a talk.

    Paula
    This, and SNL's post. Just because he's bi does not mean he's cheating, and there's no need to freak out over STD's if you weren't freaking out over them before, knowing you're not the only person he's slept with.

    You do need to apologize for reading his journal. Someone above mentioned that reading it wasn't snooping, and that's false...FINDING it wasn't snooping, but choosing to read the whole thing definitely was, and an invasion of privacy.

    Broaching the topic delicately with him and then taking both of you to some couple's counseling is the way to go. There's no reason to ruin a marriage over it.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2009
    Location
    Area 51
    Posts
    1,727

    Default

    Maybe the notebook was left there intentionally?
    I LOVE my Chickens!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
    Posts
    7,339

    Default

    Wow. Just Wow. I'm sorry. Too many people have lied to you about something huge that affects your life in a very intimate way. How can you ever trust any of them again?


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,829

    Default

    1. Get tested. Condom use and safe-sex practices are frowned upon and ridiculed in man-man sexual encounters, so do not risk your health to spare his feelings or ego.

    2. Talk to him and figure out if he is in fact involved with other people or what his designs are. Don't do it in an accusatory fashion but still be straight with him. If he is involved with others, end the relationship. Don't talk about it beyond that and don't drag it out, just end it. If he says he's not doing anything, don't trust him. Keep a close eye on him and figure it out for yourself.

    3. Get your personal stuff squared away so that you can quickly bail in the future if he seems off.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2006
    Location
    rapidan,virginia
    Posts
    1,637

    Default

    I'm sorry, but what REALLY bothers me about your story is that when you found the pictures of penises on your computer, he allowed the kids to take the blame!

    That is so very wrong and indicates that he is willing to implicate his children in wrongdoing rather than be honest with you about his sexuality. Think about that when you have the conversation with him about your discovery, because he will be lying about something.
    "Can you imagine what I would do if I could do all I can?" Sun Tzu, The Art of War
    Rainy: http://tinyurl.com/kj7x53c
    Stash: http://tinyurl.com/mmm3p4e


    6 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2002
    Location
    Boogerville, USA
    Posts
    858

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Megaladon View Post
    Maybe the notebook was left there intentionally?
    I wondered this as well.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 18, 2006
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    4,962

    Default

    I am very sorry. At this point it is impossible to know how to proceed; you need to talk to him and then do some thinking.

    Personally, I am surprised that people are saying you should apologize for reading the journal. Hello...he has lied to her about something much bigger than snooping! That is the least of everything in this situation.

    Take a deep breath, and don't make any rash decisions.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2011
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    5,203

    Default

    I strongly suspect that couples do not know everything about each other, and definitely not right away. We're not marrying right out of our parents' homes at 18 years old anymore -everybody has history. So unless you're into full disclosure on your date with attached resume, there are things you will find out eventually.

    Regarding the OP. He's not gay and living life on the DL. He's bisexual -attracted to both males and females. Assuming here he's attracted to you right? I'm thinking that when you marry you don't stop being attracted to people. You might look and see, but you don't go any further than that. As my one friend says; I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. So the question might be -gay, bi, or straight -is he eating out? Is he interested in eating out? Those are the marriage questions.

    And yes, you do need to apologize for sneaking and reading his journal even as you must act on what you read in the journal.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    4 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2008
    Posts
    2,237

    Default

    *hugs*

    Having been through my own round of relationship hell earlier this year (which included a bombshell of potentially ambiguous sexuality, among other things), I can relate.

    I agree that the lying is much more problematic than the bisexuality itself... as others have said, simply being bi isn't a guarantee that he has cheated, or will cheat. He already lost one relationship over revealing the information, correct? So from his perspective, he's probably (rightly) petrified that it could end his current relationship as well.

    And the bad thing about lies is, the longer they're kept, the worse they are to reveal-- not only do you have to deal with the lie itself, but also the reasons why it was perpetrated for so long. Not saying I agree with his decision to keep this a secret from you, but I can see why a person would. I would not want to be in his shoes.

    If you want to continue the relationship, I suggest you take a few hours to calm down as much as possible today, and do as others have suggested-- clear the house (no kids/distractions), clear the schedule for at least a day or two, and address this with him in as non-judgmental a way as you can manage... the more he feels like you are not going to freak out with the information, the more likely he is to be fully honest with you. If you're a hysterical crying screaming mess, he's going to tell you as little as humanly possible because he's not going to want to make an already-bad situation even worse.

    In my case, DH had been holding onto a lot of old baggage which included a lot of abuse, and he thought I would hate him if I knew. Once he realized that I had suspected (and accepted) it all along, it made things a lot easier. A LOT easier.

    And find thee a good couples counselor-- STAT. Doesn't have to be months and months of sessions; even 2 or 3 appointments can make a world of difference towards improving your communication skills as a couple.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2006
    Location
    Fort Worth, Texas
    Posts
    4,701

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Megaladon View Post
    Maybe the notebook was left there intentionally?
    my thoughts also as he knows he is wrong and this was just a corrective measure in his mind to make it right... screw him I would be gone.

    I had to undergo AIDS testing for an extended period just because I got cut pulling woman from a wreaked car and I do not ever want that question mark hanging around ever again.



Similar Threads

  1. Lost Labrador, Saco, Maine FOUND HIM FOUND HER, EVERYONE'S SAFE
    By RiverBendPol in forum Around The Farm
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: Jan. 24, 2012, 10:33 PM
  2. Heard of a "husband horse" what about a "husband saddle"
    By OverRabbitFarm in forum Off Course
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: Sep. 7, 2010, 09:42 PM
  3. Replies: 26
    Last Post: Dec. 9, 2009, 12:31 AM
  4. Replies: 18
    Last Post: Aug. 22, 2009, 03:21 PM
  5. Replies: 67
    Last Post: Apr. 3, 2009, 06:16 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
randomness