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  1. #21
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    Sep. 6, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by alter84 View Post
    I would just go to my husband and tell him I want out. Simple. There's no need to go into the details of the affair, IMO.
    Exactly!

    Back a bazillion years ago I cheated on a long term boyfriend, we broke up but I never told him. I'm sure he suspected but what purpose does telling him do other than hurt him more? He was already the one suffering through the end of the relationship (because I suck at breaking up with people) so I add details of something horrible that I've done? Confirm to him how little I though of him at the end? Gah. That's just mean.

    (And to be fair, I wanted to tell him but a good friend, who he hated ironically enough, convinced me not to because she knew I wanted to hurt him. She gave damn good advice. In hindsight it was one of the kinder things I did in that situation).


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  2. #22
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    Aug. 18, 2004
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    I can't believe some people don't think the betrayed spouses deserve to know the truth about the demise of their marriages. Just more lies on top of lies, eh?


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
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    Nov. 8, 2005
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    NC
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kryswyn View Post

    The FIRST thing you should do is get two copies of the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum and both of you should read it. If both of your marriages are too bad to stay, fine. But you'll see in the stories within the book that people left for someone else and yet did not end up with them. So you must be prepared to be single. Ask yourself, if your MM was not in the picture, would you still want to leave your DH?
    Mira Kirshenbaum also wrote another enlightening book titled "When Good People Have Affairs".
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



  4. #24
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    Nov. 3, 2010
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    10

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    What I meant was .yes we are "cheating" now. But this is not something that has been made a habit of in either of our lives. I have known the other half for 10 yrs. And 3 yrs ago I would have been as judgmental as most on here. Things change.Never say never.

    10 yr ago we meet and were instantly attracted to each other but we were both with getting married to our spouses and though we have worked closely over the 10 yr we were always able to resist. then things changed. I dont know what happened in our lives for the change. I have not had a sexual relationship with my spouse for over 21/2 yrs and the other half has moved out of their room about the same time. Yes he could be lying but I have no reason not to take it for face value.

    My marriage was/is a bit different then most. The spouse and I have ALWAYS maintained separtrate lives in a sense. As in if the electric bill is 300.00 we each pay 150. The moorage is 800 we each pay 400.00......if we go out in my car I out gas in and if in his he pays. If I choose the vacation destination I pay for it if he choose he pays and so on. Now that said though not what I thought it has always worked and I have no real complaints in how that worked. I guess that way I never felt guilty about what I spend on my animals. Now the other half has a more "normal" type marriage in they have joint accounts and share all the money and vacations an so on.

    We know this is wrong and now there is no way to right it. The other half just wants to tell them the truth about the affair while I think it would only cause more pain and be rubbing salt in a wound. We are not looking for a "easy way" out but want to cause the least amount of damage and hurt to anyone. Regardless of how anyone thinks or feels we are not and were not ever trying to hurt the spouses anymore then what has happened.

    I do appreciate all the replies from the ones who damn me and those who have given suggestions.



  5. #25
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    Mar. 9, 2006
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    Raleigh, NC
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    Speaking as a now divorced victim of an affair, I can say the ship has sailed for not causing hurt. I don't judge you for having an affair (and I don't judge my XH), but I DO judge the ability to continue on the hurting if you both truly know you want to be together.

    The hurt of my XH coming to me wanting a divorce would have been A LOT less than the hurt of discovering his affair. The lying (for years as I discovered) undermined that entire time of our relationship for me.

    You have both made your decision and made mistakes. Don't compound it with more.
    From now on, ponyfixer, i'll include foot note references.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
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    Oct. 14, 2012
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    Quote Originally Posted by ser42 View Post
    I can't believe some people don't think the betrayed spouses deserve to know the truth about the demise of their marriages. Just more lies on top
    of lies, eh?
    You've never been cheated on have you ? The truth for the sake of the truth may make the cheater feel absolved, but will be a knife in the spouses heart forever. Spill your guts with caution. The marriage is clearly severely compromised already (no sex for past year plus) regardless of the affair.

    I wouldn't be surprised if hubby already knows and/or has another relationship of his own already.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
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    Feb. 28, 2006
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    The rocky part of KY
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    Off topic has always been the time we could talk about things that . . .well we don't ordinarily talk about. What we might ordinarily call Bad Behavior is part of that.

    I'd suggest getting into counseling for yourself OP, to discover what it is you DO want, and from what I've seen I'd say if you leave, do it for yourself and worry about the MM later. That relationship is not based on a real situation, you've only been seeing this MM with half of yourself and by the same token he's been that way with you.


    I think Kryswyn's advice is good. make plans and be prepared to go it alone. it's not fair to your spouse unless he really just wants a roomate to pay half the bills.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible



  8. #28
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    Jul. 19, 2007
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    Michigan
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    The other spouse deserves to know because while there is no-fault divorce, their lawyers really still ought to be aware of the real situation. Especially if there are any kids (I assume in the other marriage, as it doesn't sound like there is in the OP's.)

    And so they can get tested for STDs. I mean, yes, maybe the OP is telling the truth and neither they nor the other cheating spouse have ever done it before, but you never know. And 2.5 years is one half-year less than OP has been doing another man. (And if someone IS infected with something, there's another thing the lawyers ought to know because medical bills cost and the guilty party ought to be covering them for the victim.)

    OP needs to be honest. It's not about sparing anyone pain, it's about owning up to her (?) behavior.


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  9. #29
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    Aug. 18, 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by volvo_240 View Post
    You've never been cheated on have you ? The truth for the sake of the truth may make the cheater feel absolved, but will be a knife in the spouses heart forever. Spill your guts with caution. The marriage is clearly severely compromised already (no sex for past year plus) regardless of the affair.

    I wouldn't be surprised if hubby already knows and/or has another relationship of his own already.
    Um, yes, my first marriage ended after I discovered my ex-husband's year-long affair. I probably would've handled it much better had he confessed rather than my having to discover it all on my own.


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  10. #30
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    Nov. 18, 2010
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    california
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pony Fixer View Post
    Speaking as a now divorced victim of an affair, I can say the ship has sailed for not causing hurt. I don't judge you for having an affair (and I don't judge my XH), but I DO judge the ability to continue on the hurting if you both truly know you want to be together.

    The hurt of my XH coming to me wanting a divorce would have been A LOT less than the hurt of discovering his affair. The lying (for years as I discovered) undermined that entire time of our relationship for me.

    You have both made your decision and made mistakes. Don't compound it with more.
    This. Really, seperate accounts =separate lives ? Being cheated on really, really hurts, but the lying is beyond my comprehension.


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  11. #31
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    Jan. 18, 2002
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    canada
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    Hmm, i am kinda torn about whether the spouses should be told or not. On the one hand i do agree about they deserve honesty, but on the other hand, really is there any point in adding to the hurt. Its going to be tough enough going through a divorce without adding on top the whole i like somebody better than you.
    I think i would just end it, regardless if you end up with the BF, you need for your sake and the sake of your SO, to get out now.
    www.tayvalleyfarm.com
    My other home.



  12. #32
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    Oct. 26, 2007
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    San Jose, Ca
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    Thumbs down

    My mom did this. She was married, he was married, had an affair for years. Ended their marriages to be together. Lived together for about 5 years until in her time of need (health scare) he dropped her like a stone. It was a cold and sh!tty move, little warning, and left her devastated. Moved in with his new woman the next week. I believe in karma, and have a feeling you two will reap what you sow.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Jun. 15, 2002
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    Sounds like the relationship with your husband is compromised already; WITHOUT the affair. Do you ever talk to him?? It must be a like a huge elephant in the room. What does he say? Does he suggest therapy? Do you? Do you even like each other????

    If you're already emotionally separated from each other, then it should be easy to just sit down with him and say "hey, I don't think this is working out. Maybe we should go our separate ways; what do you think?"

    At that point, after the divorce has been decided on, you can see how things are and if you feel like adding the info in about the affair. I would probably just straight up talk about the relationship/divorce first; see where his mind is at.



  14. #34
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1035 View Post
    What I meant was .yes we are "cheating" now. But this is not something that has been made a habit of in either of our lives. I have known the other half for 10 yrs. And 3 yrs ago I would have been as judgmental as most on here. Things change.Never say never.
    Your last two sentences offend me.

    I wish you would speak for yourself, only, rather than implying that "Things change" for all of us such that any one of us could find ourselves breaking a promise of fidelity to another person that we made to that person, to ourselves, to our community and to God.

    I don't make promises I can't keep and I don't randomly "find" myself in situations where I have to break those well-considered promises.

    So leave me out of your "never say never" when you are talking about marriage vows. Thanks.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat


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  15. #35
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    Nov. 8, 2005
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    Well-considered solemn promises and commitments are important to honor. That said, people and the contexts of their lives change. Setting aside the emotion-riddled matter of affairs or what some would view as affairs (emotional, physical, whatever), marriages break down with no question of infidelity on either side. That is a very sad fact of life.

    Should people live miserable lives of quiet desperation because they made a promise that in theory they can keep, but which in practice will ruin the rest of their lives? People change, circumstances change, things change.
    If I knew what I were doing, why would I take lessons?

    "Things should be as simple as possible,
    but no simpler." - Einstein



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