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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov. 3, 2010
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    10

    Default *SPINOFF* Affairs,how to end the marriage?

    Need suggestions on how to end the marriage. I have been in a relationship with a married person I am also married. This is wrong yes..and neither of us is proud of what we've done. But we have been in this for 3 yrs. now and due to this our marriages are not good. We have both decided we want to be together. We know we have hurt our respective spouses though neither seem to consider we are seeing another just that there are problems. And it is simply not fair or right to let the respective marriages continue. We want to be out. We want to tell the spouses in the least hurtful way. We know this is not totally possible they will be hurt. How do we tell them? do we simply just say We want a divorce? Do we say we found other people? Do we see laywers first and let them just serve the papers? Its a mess and we want to cause a little damage as possible. This is not a fling we have carefully thought about it and are sure we want to be together. We are in our 40s so not young and wild and I have never cheated and have no reason to think he has. Any usefully suggestions. T.I.A



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2004
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    1,393

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    You've never cheated and you have no reason to think he has? Huh?!!

    I would tell your spouses the truth. You owe them the truth about how THEIR marriages ended. It will probably explain a lot of things to them, things that would otherwise haunt them. Let THEM pick their own attorneys first. Letting them get their choice is really the only thing you can do for them at this point. That, and giving them whatever they ask for out of the divorce. Repentance, and all that.

    Good luck with your new life together.


    20 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul. 19, 2007
    Location
    Michigan
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    10,447

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    Quote Originally Posted by ser42 View Post
    You've never cheated and you have no reason to think he has? Huh?!!
    Yeah, my thought, too--guess what, you ARE cheating now. ser42 is right--you owe them the truth, and frankly just about whatever they ask for in the divorce. You're STILL an adulterer, but at least you're owning up to it. There is no way to do this 'nicely.'


    7 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 11, 2011
    Posts
    1,197

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 1035 View Post
    I have never cheated
    wait, you are having a 3+ yr affair and never cheated? Am I missing something???

    I don't care if you marriages were not good, you've done this three years (as if that is good?), not a fling, and if you carefully thought about it.... Facts don't lie and I think its horrible.

    Its too late for thinking of the other people, I think. Tell them the TRUTH and then get out. Should have done that 4 yrs ago.... IMHO.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 25, 2008
    Posts
    2,223

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 1035 View Post
    Need suggestions on how to end the marriage. I have been in a relationship with a married person I am also married. This is wrong yes..and neither of us is proud of what we've done. But we have been in this for 3 yrs. now and due to this our marriages are not good. We have both decided we want to be together. We know we have hurt our respective spouses though neither seem to consider we are seeing another just that there are problems. And it is simply not fair or right to let the respective marriages continue. We want to be out. We want to tell the spouses in the least hurtful way. We know this is not totally possible they will be hurt. How do we tell them? do we simply just say We want a divorce? Do we say we found other people? Do we see laywers first and let them just serve the papers? Its a mess and we want to cause a little damage as possible. This is not a fling we have carefully thought about it and are sure we want to be together. We are in our 40s so not young and wild and I have never cheated and have no reason to think he has. Any usefully suggestions. T.I.A
    Quoting in case it goes *poof*

    There's a whole lot of "we" in the above post, but strangely, that's not the way it's reading in my head... Honey, I promise you are NOT the first "other woman" whose married lover has promised that he wants to leave his wife for you. Of COURSE he's telling you that; it's exactly what you want to hear.

    Guess what: there is no escaping this with "as little damage as possible." Ditto the other posters who have reminded you that you ARE a cheater, so please don't say you're "never" cheated. Same goes for your slimy BF. It WILL happen again, by one or both of you.

    There's only one even kind-of/sort-of "honorable" way to end a marriage, and that's by ending it BEFORE infidelity takes place. Since you're both far beyond that point, I suggest you talk to a divorce attorney for advice on the best way to proceed.

    I won't wish you luck... As far as I'm concerned, there's a special place in hell reserved for people like you. Your spouses, however, are in my thoughts...
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    13 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
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    4,249

    Default

    Gee, grow a spine and tell your spouse.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2012
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    1,190

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    I think you're going to be hit with a hard reality check.

    I've seen more than one situation like this where one of the cheating parties changes their mind as a result of the conversation with their spouse, and ends up breaking it off with their affair partner - the affair partner who trudged on forward with the divorce thinking everyone was on the same page.

    Grow a spine, tell your spouse and get a divorce - regardless if the wingman is there waiting or not. Your spouse deserves a faithful partner.


    27 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2006
    Posts
    65

    Default

    i have to ditto cnvh. theres a special place in hell for lying/omitting truth, cheating, and infidelity. i feel bad for your spouses. shame on your dishonesty.

    truth and honesty is hard to come by. do your spouses a favor and quit the facade.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May. 13, 2005
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    429

    Default

    Let your spouse know you want a divorce....I don't think it is necessary to say you have been having an affair. Why hurt spouse more--only reason would be to assuage your guilt?

    I don't believe your relationship with BF is good nor do I think it will last but.....if you are not happy in your marriage...get out...you are not doing spouse any favors staying and being unhappy and cheating.

    Take care of you....in a healthy way..........have enough respect for your spouse to end the marriage.....

    Word of caution: since BF and you cheated on spouses there is a REALLY good chance one of you will cheat on each other. Not being mean.....That is just the reality of the situation.

    Proceed with caution.......


    5 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2004
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    1,393

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    Quote Originally Posted by Noodles View Post
    Let your spouse know you want a divorce....I don't think it is necessary to say you have been having an affair. Why hurt spouse more--only reason would be to assuage your guilt?

    I don't believe your relationship with BF is good nor do I think it will last but.....if you are not happy in your marriage...get out...you are not doing spouse any favors staying and being unhappy and cheating.

    Take care of you....in a healthy way..........have enough respect for your spouse to end the marriage.....

    Word of caution: since BF and you cheated on spouses there is a REALLY good chance one of you will cheat on each other. Not being mean.....That is just the reality of the situation.

    Proceed with caution.......
    There is a reason to tell the spouses the truth... they may be wondering why their wife/husband has been distant, not emotionally there- they may be blaming themselves in many ways. Perhaps they will internalize this, and ask themselves why they couldn't make the marriage work, why they weren't good enough. The truth is, there were three people in each of these marriages. No wonder the betrayed couldn't make it work, when everything was stacked against them.

    They absolutely need to know the truth, if only so that they aren't in the dark and potentially blaming themselves for the rest of their lives.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 2, 2002
    Location
    Berlin, Germany
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    2,537

    Default

    You've been cheating on your spouse for 3 years, you've carefully thought this out, yet you're asking for advice on how to end your marriage on a horse BB?

    People make mistakes. Infidelity happens (when feeble-minded, selfish @$$holes commit it, sorry). But if you couldn't figure out some way to sit down and tell your spouse "I'm sorry, this is over. I've spoken to an attorney, and I've filed for divorce" in that 3 year period, then you need A LOT of help. Regardless of the state of your marriage, no spouse deserves 3 years of LIES.

    So you're the 40 something you claim to be in the original post? Grow a pair and file for divorce. That's how you end a marriage.
    Here today, gone tomorrow...


    8 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2001
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    Finally...back in civilization, more or less
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    11,481

    Default

    At this point, I think all you can do is to tell your spouse that you are no longer in love with them, and want a divorce. There is no way to tell someone that without causing enormous pain, and I think you have to acknowledge that. Your happiness with your new relationship is coming at the expense of someone whose trust you betrayed.

    Then I think you have to be willing to deal with the division of assets in a fair and reasonable way, which sounds easier than it is.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina


    6 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2010
    Location
    Near the beach
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    447

    Default

    I really hope there aren't children involved in all this.

    End your marriage, no matter what the other person does, because you couldn't have been happy in it for the affair to happen in the first place. Your spouse deserves to know the truth, but it may cost you big bucks if you have been unfaithful in the physical sense.

    I agree with another poster that said often one person backs out of the arrangement. If both unfaithful parties do end up together, it is often a brief, flawed relationship. What ends up happening is that it was a case of "the grass being greener" and when the romance and secretiveness go away, the relationship suddenly sours.

    You have a lot of growing up to do, OP. Get a counselor to help you figure out why you did this and to help you get back on track with your life.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Location
    Ocala
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    1,246

    Default

    Why is it the off topic days always bring out the slime?


    12 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2002
    Posts
    441

    Default

    Gosh, this, likely as not, is not what you want to hear but I believe it; have since I was young and stupid, have seen it over and over again in the over three decades of my work. And, yes, I can also tell stories about a few exceptions but this is your life and the lives of any children involved, I'm not sure playing such scant odds is good for anyone.

    If you are unhappy in your marriage, it is about you. If he is unhappy in his marriage it is about him. You cannot fix each other. If you want a divorce, get one, spend time working on yourself and how and why you made the choices that led you into your current marriage and how and why you came into this other relationship. He needs to do the same. If after all this hard work on self, you still want to be togeather, go for it.

    If you are not willing to do the hard work on yourselves.....

    Sorry, I do wish you all the best in the new year.... ol'hound


    6 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    May. 21, 2004
    Location
    N. TX...just N.East of paradise...
    Posts
    2,026

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    WOW, lots of judgementalism; just what I expect of horsepeople...

    OK, so you didn't follow the 'generally expected' route of how marriages and,uh, flings, 'should be'....gotcha fellow answering posters...

    However, you are where you are, and you want to do what you want to do. You know where you've been, and rather than doing what 'other people' (posters) EXPECT you to do based on puritanical (and granted also promises you made to your spouse, presumably, when you got married) bases, you did what you did. OK

    Now, you know that telling the spice (my plural of spouses) that you both want out, and them then finding out you are with the other, is gonna suck for them. Probably for you, too, depending on your depth of expectation.

    So, just simply decide what you're going to do. I don't think you're 'slime' for it, though I do think you have shown you had little regard for whatever you may have promised in vows. MOST people have reneged on some sort of promise or other in their lives. We just like to make THIS one the "BIGGIE". I dunno....I rather like Heinlein's view on marriages, myself. Would really cut down on the unhappiness we see in em now.

    But anyhow....Just do what you're going to do, understanding it's gonna suck emotionally for everyone all around, and know that you'll carry that flavor on in the future for a bit, until you reconcile how it all went down.

    You have to decide how best you want to feel.
    "As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use."- William James
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Proud member of the Wheat Loss Clique.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 20, 2000
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    Full time in Delhi, NY!
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    6,398

    Default

    Well, unlike some of the posters here who seem to believe it's okay to judge others, I'm just going to address your question, eventually First there seems to be confusion because although you say this affair has been going on for 3 years, you've never cheated. Do you mean you've had an emotional affair but have never slept together?

    The FIRST thing you should do is get two copies of the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum and both of you should read it. If both of your marriages are too bad to stay, fine. But you'll see in the stories within the book that people left for someone else and yet did not end up with them. So you must be prepared to be single. Ask yourself, if your MM was not in the picture, would you still want to leave your DH?

    I do not believe Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater. It depends why the person cheated originally. Whether their needs weren't being met, or whether they just liked the excitement. Though the latter is more likely to cheat because they are adrenaline junkies. If you and your MM are both not having needs met at home, that you fulfill for each other, it may work but you are both living in a bubble right now. You've never even been on a date! You know all about each other's spouses, but probably very little about each others habits.

    So, how to tell your spouse? First ONLY after you've researched attorneys, gathered copies of all tax returns, and other important documents like the deed on your house, and any info you may have on his pension plan. Most states now are "no-fault" and it won't matter if you cheated or not. It's all about dividing the assets, 50/50. If you are both employed, likely you will NOT receive maintenance so you need to think about where you're going to live and how to afford it. YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO GO IT ALONE. Your MM may tell his wife, but he may not leave that night. (My MM took the day off from work, packed a bag, put it in the trunk of the car and told his wife after dinner. Her reaction was so different from what he "knew" would happen, it ended up being nine long weeks before he actually left). So, once you tell your husband, be prepared to leave that night (he may get angry and throw you out!), know where you're going (friend's house, motel), and have what you need to not have to go back, at least not right away. You can have him served shortly thereafter. Oh, and if you're contributing to the mortgage or rent, YOU STILL HAVE TO DO THAT even though you're not living there, so realize that when you start figuring out how much money you can afford to pay for rent on a new place.

    One very important thing. If your horse was bought with marital funds, it is considered marital property and you may be forced to reimburse your husband for half of its value at the time of divorce. Even if your husband doesn't ride it, he's still entitled to half its value. If you brought your horse to the marriage, but paid ANY of its expenses from a joint checking account, it became marital property when you did so. But I can guarantee he won't pay for its board once you're out of the house, and he will want reimbursement for any money spent from your joint account after you move out. So you'll have to pay your new rent, half of the costs of the marital home AND the full cost of your board. Be sure all your animals have a safe place to land.

    So now what do you actually say? Say you're not happy. You feel like your marriage is over. Don't be surprised if he looks at you dumbfounded, because as long as you've still been having sex with DH, he probably thinks the marriage is fine. Which it may very well be if you hadn't gotten emotionally involved with MM. Unless your DH is really unusual, he's going to be very, very hurt and blindsided. He may well suggest counseling, and you may want to do that as long as you are willing to put your MM out of your mind and off your phone while you explore things with a counselor. He will probably ask you if there is someone else. Careful here. You might say you seem to be developing feelings for someone else and that is what made you realize how unhappy you are. If your MM has arranged to tell his spouse at the same time, he should say the same thing. Admitting there is someone else will make the discussion take a sharp turn into jealousy and blame.

    I really hope you will think long and hard about this. On the surface, it sounds like you have a nice life. Do you really want to change everything up and lose a lot of it? Or do you just want to be more in love with your husband? I would really, really read the book carefully. Because I think your marriage is probably too good to leave.
    Last edited by Kryswyn; Dec. 31, 2012 at 06:09 PM.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
    Check out my Kryswyn JRTs on Facebook

    "Life is merrier with a terrier!"


    3 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb. 18, 2011
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    Phillipsburg Ohio
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    I won't give you a hard time- I don't do monogamy. It does not make sense to the way I am wired. DH however was fully aware of this fact before we married, and the free pass goes both ways. I don't think cheating is necessarily wrong- but lying is wrong. Hurting someone else with secrets is wrong. Time to tell the truth- plain and simple. Something like "I have made a lot of mistakes and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you until now..." Blame yourself, try to give the spouses whatever they want (within reason!). If at all possible resolve things via dissolution rather than divorce- so much cheaper and easier if both parties can agree on things...
    ~Former Pet Store Manager (10yrs)
    ~Vintage Toy Dealer (rememberswhen.us)
    ~Vet Tech Student
    Mom to : 1 Horse, 4 Dogs, 3 Cats, 6 (Former) Stepkids


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Dec. 3, 2012
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    18

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    I would just go to my husband and tell him I want out. Simple. There's no need to go into the details of the affair, IMO.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Apr. 10, 2005
    Location
    Spring, TX
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    491

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by halo View Post
    Why is it the off topic days always bring out the slime?
    Seriously!!!


    1 members found this post helpful.

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