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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Apr. 25, 2007
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    1,341

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    If you stick with your therapy long enough (and you have a good therapist) you will eventually come to understand that you are attracted to him because he is not really available and most likely you are re-creating an emotional issue you experienced as a child in a subconscious effort to recreate and resolve that childhood deficit. Of course it will never work. Most important point however is that even once you have the intellectual knowledge and can connect all the dots, you will still feel the way you do now...you can have the understanding but it takes a lot longer ( and it is much harder) to rewire the feeling part of you. You are really not relationship material until you sort all this out and you really shouldn't degrade yourself further while you do the work you need to do. I wish you the best of luck and for right now remember that your feelings are not a good guide for you to follow because they are likely based on bad wiring to start with...


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2012
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    8

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Counselor View Post
    Sometimes you just get hooked on the wrong person.
    He will do you way more harm than good. But I think you already know that.
    Block his number. Look for things to get you involved, active, anything but sitting around thinking about him.
    And if that uniform is a cop uniform, I will say this: I have met some wonderful people who were officers.
    And the most screwed up people I have ever met, were officers. You seriously don't want to waste your life on that.
    One day, you will realize that life went by you while you were busy wasting it on someone like that, and it won't be a good feeling.
    Good luck in this. It's hard.
    Yes, he is a LEO. He is def screwed up. Like big time.

    Oh, he swears I'm the only one, yeah RIGHT. lol Don't believe it for a minute, but don't care what he does. I'm not his wife, if she wants to put a stop to that, it's her call.

    his wife, and definitely his kids if he has them. it is so not worth the pain to anyone. for just feeling good for a short period of time here and there?
    He actually called me in front of his kid more than once. I did not think that was cool AT ALL. I think he likes/wants to get caught, adrenaline rush and all that.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Location
    Ocala
    Posts
    1,313

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    If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. What makes you think you are so special? He likely had other girls on the side too. When he texts you out of the blue, after so long, he probably got dumped by his newest girlfriend, feels the urge, and starts dialing old numbers. He's scum, is that what you want


    10 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2010
    Location
    Atlanta, GA and New Orleans, LA
    Posts
    1,583

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    For your own sake, cut this guy out of your life, stay in counseling and get yourself healthy. You are making very self-destructive decisions that also have a detrimental effect on others, and you know it.

    We are the decisions we make in life, and I doubt anyone would want to be the person you are becoming/have become. But you can change, if you really want to. Become the person you want to be - a person you can be proud of, so you can love yourself, and not need to seek approval from others.
    Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion.... ~ Emerson


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
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    5,669

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    He's an ass, and it sounds like you are well aware of that.

    Keep up with the counseling. I suspect part of the attraction is that he's not really available for a real, healthy relationship, which in a way makes it "safe", because it keeps you from having to become 100% emotionally invested.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2011
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    1,337

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    I don't really have any opinion on the morality of this situation.

    But, it is unhealthy for you. AND, you deserve better. All you are getting is crumbs from the cake. You said you're in therapy, but you should look at why you only want crumbs from the cake. Good luck. Get healthy.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Nov. 6, 2001
    Location
    Fairfax
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    1,871

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    He's an ass. You're being an idiot. You can be better than this.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    May. 8, 2004
    Posts
    4,325

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    I agree with ponyclubrocks. I have witnessed this type of man through the ordeal that ultimately caused my sister's death, and through the hell my sister in law has recently gone through with a cheating husband.

    Men like the MM in your post want self gratification: the thrill of the chase, the sneaking around, controlling the lives of other people...and for whose benefit? Their own.

    My evil would-have-been-ex brother in law went so far as to fabricate divorce papers that he showed to the woman he was cheating with, while he was still telling my sister that she was 'crazy' for suspecting his affair. My other sister met with the girlfriend after my sister's death and had a long talk with her. She had been badly deceived by this monster, too. Naturally, I hated her for her part in my sister's suffering, but I was able to see that this horrible man manipulated her life badly, too.

    So please think about the type of man that is chasing you while married to someone else. What can he really do for you other than complicate your life, break your heart and most likely cheat on you if you ever make the mistake of settling on him if he leaves his wife.

    You deserve much better in this life.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Oct. 4, 2003
    Location
    Hurdle Mills, NC
    Posts
    4,131

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    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    Yes, he is a LEO. He is def screwed up. Like big time.

    Oh, he swears I'm the only one, yeah RIGHT. lol Don't believe it for a minute, but don't care what he does. I'm not his wife, if she wants to put a stop to that, it's her call.



    He actually called me in front of his kid more than once. I did not think that was cool AT ALL. I think he likes/wants to get caught, adrenaline rush and all that.
    Sounds to me as though you're pretty much into the "adrenaline rush" stuff yourself, and showing the emotional, intellectual and moral maturity of a ca. 13 year old. Do everyone, including yourself, a big favor, and try to grow up fast-- you're in a can of very adult-type worms here.

    This kind of thing makes me ashamed for my species. You might want to research the domestic lives of wolves to find suitable models for a "MM."


    13 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Feb. 1, 2012
    Location
    Vermont
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    5,533

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    Sorry, but I think you're a real POS for knowing he's married and choosing to continue this. You should've ended it when you found out he's married. There are NO excuses, despite you attempting to make them. It's also not your call to decide whether or not his wife cares.
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."


    26 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2000
    Location
    California
    Posts
    8,451

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    In the words of NeNe Leakes, "CLOSE YOUR LEGS TO MARRIED MEN!"

    You've gotten lots of good advice here. You KNOW what the right thing to do is, and you know what NOT to do.
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran


    12 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    May. 6, 2003
    Posts
    1,888

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    He may tell you his wife doesn't care about his not being there on holidays, but she may well think he's working. He lied to you about being married, why would you think he isn't lying to her about working and lying to you when he says she couldn't care less where he is?
    According to the Mayan calendar, the world will not end this week. Please plan your life accordingly.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2001
    Location
    Gilbert, AZ
    Posts
    2,225

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    Given the uniform and lifestyle comments, I am wondering if this guy is a pilot. Very easy in that case to be away from home at the holidays with the wife being none the wiser.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Jun. 15, 2010
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    2,480

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    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    But I did figure she would care enough if she was actually having to face something is going on. I mean, they have a lot of money, she doesn't work, etc. So it probably wasn't so much me being in the picture but that she doesn't want to lose the lifestyle. I mean, he was at my house on holidays. She couldn't have cared too much.
    I don't think this is a fair assumption. She might be heartbroken but feel tied to the marriage because she doesn't have a job and is financially dependent on him. I wouldn't take her silence as apathy.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    May. 15, 2005
    Location
    Australasia
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    1,207

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    If you don't want a relationship pay for sex.

    akrogirl, sounds like pilot to me too.
    where am I, what day is it, am I still having a good time?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    Jun. 26, 2009
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    81

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    Quote Originally Posted by jr View Post
    He's an ass. You're being an idiot. You can be better than this.
    My best childhood friend had a fairytale wedding to a monster. After he broke her arm, I told her I would represent her for free, but she had to leave. She said she couldn't because she loved him. That was too much crazy for me. I haven't spoken to her in a long time. I keep up with her through mutual friends and feel really bad, but I feel it is her choice and she would rather have a$$hat in her life than any of the people who actually care about her. My point is that life isn't simple. Marriage enables people to stay in bad relationships. Your guy may not be a bad guy. Like my friend, he just may be weak.

    I don't think you're being honest with yourself. You like him. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be around. You don't need to justify your feelings with some weird psychological malady. Give yourself a break.

    You should decide what you want. Is he worth it to you to get involved in his divorce? Is it worth it to have to parent his child, who may hate you? What if his wife is a psycho? Are you willing to have someone like that come after you?

    Think about the consequences. If the consequences are worth it to you, then tell him you want to be with him, but for him not to contact you until 30 days after he has filed for divorce. Tell him that the only call you will return is one that says that and stick to it. If you never get the call it may mean he doesn't love you, but it could also mean he's just too weak to change his life no matter what the incentive. If the consequences are not worth it, then tell him that if he ever contacts you again, you will get a restraining order. You shouldn't have to change your number. If you want him out of your life for good, then kick him out of it and put the force of the law behind it, so he knows you're serious.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #37
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,956

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    "Your guy may not be a bad guy".

    He has lied to her and to his wife. He has continued contacting her to continue their involvment after she said "No". He has continued asking her to be involved while not apparently getting divorced. That is NOT a "good guy". Many women are confused about what "good men" are and tend to let immature men off the hook (not that they are evil but they do not grow up if not expected to, why should they?) Weak or malintentioned, doesn't matter from the OPs POV.

    "I don't think you're being honest with yourself. You like him. If you didn't, you wouldn't still be around..."

    In fact, many people THINK this but upon reflection discover there is not much there to like. OP would not be posting here if she thought this was a great guy and really liked a lot of his qualities (other than that he is hot). In fact, this guy keeps wanting to do something she feels bad about doing, appears to be outside her values. Those people are NOT "good guys/girls" or "likeable". She (IMO) needs to be around people who allow her to feel good and to RESPSECT HERSELF

    And finally "If you never get the call it may mean he doesn't love you... "

    There is NOTHING that OP has written that says anything about love, at all, or respect. That is a hook, a very dangerous trap that does lead people to tolerate some seriously crappy behavior. People who "love" each other do NOT lie like this guy has, do not continue toxic relationships. This is NOTHING like love, and confusing those things had led many to some sad heartaches. One hopes that in her counseling OP will in fact begin learning about what "love" has been in her past, what she considers it and so on, and perhaps addresses any misconceptions,although she has not mentioned "loving" this guy. However, if she continues with this guy, the chances she will experience what actual love (romantic) looks like are much smaller. And that is the sad part. each time people think, "Well what's the difference?, may as well...." they are continuing to engage in behavior that lets them feel bad about themselves. They need to start doing behaviors/hanging with people that let them feel GOOD. THAT is where healing happens .
    Last edited by lilitiger2; Dec. 30, 2012 at 09:51 PM. Reason: cant' stand bold


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Jun. 25, 2004
    Location
    Carolinas
    Posts
    5,040

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    Originally posted by badalter - . . .I know you guys want to smack me on the head for bad behavior. I already know this is not good. What I want to know is how to not be attracted to it and leave it once and for all. Life was so peaceful before he texted me on Xmas, I was having a nice single life and now here comes the roller coaster again. I don't want to ride but can't seem to get myself off of it.

    Reread the bolded statement over and over.
    If he really cared for you, he would make a decision to either stay with wife or divorce wife. Right now he is using both of you.
    You know what to do - stop all communication with him and any other "BF" while in counseling. At least for now - take care of yourself first. Then you will be ready to build a relationship with the right man for you.
    "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
    Courtesy my cousin Tim



  19. #39
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    Aug. 15, 2009
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    Knoxville, TN
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    1,999

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    He's an ass; you're either an idiot or an ass too. Why do you think this is all you deserve?


    6 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    Look, if you don't want a relationship, I'd bet there is a large population of nice, average men who are in a place in their lives where they'd really like to have some occasional intimacy, hang out sometimes, have some sex, and not have a relationship. They don't have to be scummy, sleazy, unattractive, whatever. Why not go for someone like that instead of this guy? Leave the married men alone, they've got enough trouble already. Go find a nice FWB situation and make some guy happy who just wants to go to dinner occasionally and have sex. Quit making this family's lives miserable. That was more of a solution than an answer to why are you doing this, sorry.
    send some of their smart literate deer who can read road signs up here since ours are just run of the mill dumb ones who get splatted all over creation because they won't stay in the woods


    12 members found this post helpful.

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