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  1. #61
    halteralter1 Guest

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    I found out my ex "DH" was cheating on me. When I got an STD. So I suppose my view of this situation may be colored by that. But PLEASE protect yourself. You can't protect his wife, and she probably doesn't know to protect herself, unfortunately.

    You probably know he's sleeping with other women, and are taking precautions; at least I would hope you are. I feel really bad for her. She's not only sleeping with him, but with every one else he's sleeping with, and everyone THEY'RE sleeping with because they're likely not using condoms (how many of us do that with our HUSBANDS, because of STD's?). I am left with a life-altering diagnosis since he couldn't keep it in his pants.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  2. #62
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2001
    Location
    California
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    1,325

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    To the OP!

    1. You can't have my fancy car cause it's cooler than yours!
    2. You can't have my nice warmblood cause it jumps higher than yours!
    3. You can't have my husband because he is married to me!

    Women that think it's ok to date a married man are the lowest scum of the earth! Yup husband may not be worth keeping but that is not your choice or decision to make! It is up to his wife to make that choice.

    Of course the wife is a bitch, pain, demanding, horrible etc. what else would he tell you? My lovely wife is boring after 15 years of marriage and I have an itch I want to scratch?

    Go find your own man and stay away from ours. Also try looking for some self respect; you can probably find that down at the corner of cheater and loser streets!!!
    Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!


    26 members found this post helpful.

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2012
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    If you don't want to change your phone number, call the phone company and block his number from contacting you in all ways. Block his area code if need be. It doesn't matter what you think the wife feels or thinks. It really doesn't. Because unless she's told you directly and given you her blessing to sleep with her husband, then you're just guessing. You are not there, you don't know.

    If you want a friends with benefits type arrangement without a relationship, I guarantee you that you can find that situation but on the up and up.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #64
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
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    What's the end game with this? It does not sound like you love him or want to be with him.

    I've seen women in this situation IN LOVE with the married man. But it sounds like all he is to you is a piece of ass. It sounds like you find him attractive. There are a lot of attractive men happy to have sex with women who don't want a relationship....

    My advice to you is to text him back that you are not interested. If you want a pretty face to look at while you have sex, go on any of the million dating websites. My neighbor used to bring home men off of Match.com that were amazingly hot. She had 5 or 6 that she just had sex with.

    BTW, in some states you can be sued for breaking up a marriage. Alienation of affection.... If you were f'ing my husband on the side and I had kids....., I'd go that route without thinking twice.

    If you actually just enjoy the drama, call wifey. Introduce yourself. Break up marriage. Let her go find a nice guy. Marry jerk. Enjoy periodic episodes of drama while you cheat on each other.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Mar. 29, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jersey Fresh View Post
    Like others on here have said, after being on the other end of it all I can say is shame on you and what you are doing is dispicable.

    The whore my ex cheated on me with (when I confronted her) and my ex both attempted to justify the cheating because he wasnt happy anymore. Sure that totally makes it ok then.


    You need help. You sound like a train wreck.
    Why is the woman always a whore but the guy is just a guy? The guy in the original post and the one you are referring to are the ones most at fault. Yes, original poster should stop because she now KNOWS he is married. But it is time to start putting the blame where it belongs. With the cheater.

    Now that OP knows the guy is married, well, fine...call her names. But don't make her out to be solely the bad guy.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2004
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    Lexington, KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by chancellor2 View Post
    Why is the woman always a whore but the guy is just a guy? The guy in the original post and the one you are referring to are the ones most at fault. Yes, original poster should stop because she now KNOWS he is married. But it is time to start putting the blame where it belongs. With the cheater.

    Now that OP knows the guy is married, well, fine...call her names. But don't make her out to be solely the bad guy.
    He's a piece of trash. And I called her a whore, because she was the other woman not once, but twice. Knowingly and continues to stay with. In my mind=whore.

    And I guess in my mind, it was a given that the ex was a piece of trash. I just wanted to point out that just because the man says hes "not happy", it doesnt make what you are doing ok or make you a good person for making him happy. Gag. Get some morales.

    Then again, I should thank the cheaters out there like the OP. If it werent for people with loose morales and no conscience, I wouldnt be alive since my dad wouldnt have been cheated on by his ex, divorced her and met my mom.
    ************************
    "I can't help but wonder,what would Jimmy Buffett do?"


    6 members found this post helpful.

  7. #67
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by chancellor2 View Post
    Why is the woman always a whore but the guy is just a guy? The guy in the original post and the one you are referring to are the ones most at fault. Yes, original poster should stop because she now KNOWS he is married. But it is time to start putting the blame where it belongs. With the cheater.

    Now that OP knows the guy is married, well, fine...call her names. But don't make her out to be solely the bad guy.
    I don't think JF was letting the guy off the hook at all... or her ex. It's true, sometimes the Other Person is lied to initially- perhaps is told the Married Person is single, or that they are separated with a divorce in the works. The moment the truth comes out is the moment to cut bait and RUN.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Aug. 7, 2005
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    Georgia
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    2,519

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    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    Obviously I'm altered.

    I met this guy 4-5 years ago. Said he was single. Wasn't single.

    At the time I was a big mess anyway and not looking for a relationship so I decided to go for it. Not cool, I know.

    It went on for a couple years. We got closer and closer and his wife started checking the phone bills. That freaked me out and I told him I was done. Of course he had said they were only living together, not in love anymore, etc. I didn't believe it, but all the same, he was alone on holidays and stuff, I figured she didn't care or whatever. But I also didn't want her calling me or coming to the house. So I ended it.

    Sad to say, I really missed him

    We didn't speak for two years. In the meantime, I had found a BF that I thought was pretty cool. About two weeks into that, the MM (married man) calls me out of the blue. Left a message. Completely freaked me out. So new BF was wondering what was going on. I kinda told him.

    The MM was working in the area near where I was working, so we met. Bad, I know. But I had to see him. And he was in uniform, so, you know. LOL He's ridiculously hot anyway. But that was icing on the cake. He was trying to convince me to start up again, but I was trying to be on the straight and narrow and I said No. But man, it was tough.

    He called off and on. I told him not to call anymore. But I didn't block his number either. Of course BF was getting pretty PO'd. By then we were living together and things weren't going well anyway. Not because of the MM situation ,but because he was just all over me. Clingy, wanted to go everywhere, control everything (that was triggered from the MM thing but was just beyond reasonable). Just not for me. MM started looking better and better. If I'm doing the time, might as well do the crime, I figured.

    When we broke up, of course I contacted MM. We met briefly, but I was in such a state from the break up (it was REALLY bad) that I said, I couldn't do it. And we quit talking again for about 6 months. I deleted all his info, etc. Didn't expect to hear from him and didn't want to.

    Xmas, guess who texts. Arg. Now I'm saving the number and thinking about calling him again because I sure don't want a BF. I am in counciling already, and I can't wait to talk about this to my councilor, who of course is out because his wife just had a baby. But anyway, hope that will straighten me out.

    I don't know how to explain really, becuase I usually don't get this attached to people, men esp. Not sure what it is with this one, except that we are both pretty messed up in the head.

    I think a lot of the attraction to MM is that he is unavailable. Plus the drama that goes along with it, hate to admit that, but it's true. I wouldn't want to steal him away for myself or anything like that. I think if he ever said he was leaving her for me, I'd run like hell.

    I know you guys want to smack me on the head for bad behavior. I already know this is not good. What I want to know is how to not be attracted to it and leave it once and for all. Life was so peaceful before he texted me on Xmas, I was having a nice single life and now here comes the roller coaster again. I don't want to ride but can't seem to get myself off of it.

    help?
    If I were there I WOULD smack you upside the head more than one or two times.
    This is just wrong and you are being stupid.
    You know why cowboys don't like Appaloosas?" - Answer: Because to train a horse, you have to be smarter than it is.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  9. #69
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2004
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    Lexington, KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by ser42 View Post
    I don't think JF was letting the guy off the hook at all... or her ex. It's true, sometimes the Other Person is lied to initially- perhaps is told the Married Person is single, or that they are separated with a divorce in the works. The moment the truth comes out is the moment to cut bait and RUN.
    In my case, she stayed with him even after I confronter her in the airport when he dropped her off after a weekend visit (for the same flight as me) when he told me he was out of town. She knew about me, knew he was cheating on me and still is with him.
    ************************
    "I can't help but wonder,what would Jimmy Buffett do?"



  10. #70
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2002
    Location
    Northern KY
    Posts
    4,467

    Default BTDT- for 14 years

    Here's what I'll tell you. You are NOT the only one he's screwing around on his wife with. You might be his favorite, but you are not the only one.

    I gave up after 14 years of being alone on holidays and birthdays. I wasted a lot of "prime" years being in love with someone I shouldn't have.

    A good relationship does not start by lying and cheating, I don't care how "hot" the guy is.

    Happily married people don't cheat, but "helping him" along only lowers your standards for yourself. A lot.

    Did he love me? Yes, he also loved the mother of his children or he'd have been out of there.

    There is a reason he isn't divorced, he doesn't want to be, it just isn't that hard.

    Makes him a cheat, you can decide what continuing it makes you.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  11. #71
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2012
    Location
    Columbus, OH
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    No judging here. I sort of accidentally did the same thing.
    First he told me they were getting divorced- she had served him with papers, they had court dates, etc.
    Then the divorce was on hold, but they were doing the open relationship thing.
    Then he said he was going to fast track the divorce because he wanted to marry me.
    Then he slipped and said something about his other girlfriends.
    That was when I realised this was all a complete crock of... you know what.

    The slut-shaming drives me nuts. Maybe I'm a whore, because I did know he was married, but innocently believed he was in the process of getting a divorce. But if we're calling names, I would say he's a whore, too, since he was simultaneously sleeping with two other people, picking up one-night-stands when he could, and dumped me because he wanted to replace me with another girl. (After I had tried for months to cut it off with him because it was really wigging me out- but he wouldn't hear of it, to the point of being violent, possessive, and scaring me.) I would say I was definitely an idiot, and very emotionally fragile, and willing to believe him because he was very kind and nurturing at a time when I had hit an emotional low.

    I understand what it's like to want the attention without the committment, especially when you've dealt with super-clingy guys in the past. At the same time, you also recognise that this just ain't a good idea, and I'm glad for you. That's a hard step to take. It is very, very easy for people to get addicted to the way being with a person makes them feel, especially when they have a history of not-so-positive interactions.

    To your credit here, you have recognised this is not positive behaviour, and that you need to move away from him. You've gotten some really useful feedback here for next steps to get away from him. Being addicted to a person and the way they make you feel is just as hard as breaking any other addiction- sometimes harder, because you can't always control their behaviour (meaning, you can choose not to buy a pack of cigarettes, and the cigarette can't walk up to your doorstep).

    If you commit to dropping this guy, you must must MUST do it completely. No calling him "just to check in." No "saying hi." Nothing. No contact. Erase his number. Erase your number. Move to Timbucktoo. But definitely, definitely talk about this to your counselor or anyone who can be non-partial. I think you'll find, as I did, that all the things that made you feel gooshy and positive about your relationship were actually things that were poisonous to your emotional and mental well-being. Feel free to PM me, if you want to talk.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  12. #72
    Join Date
    Dec. 29, 2006
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    65

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    he lied right off the bat about his relationship status. if he cant be truthful over something as simple as that.. what else will he lie to you about?

    get a new phone number.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  13. #73
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
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    923

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    Quote Originally Posted by erniewalker View Post
    No judging here. I sort of accidentally did the same thing.
    First he told me they were getting divorced- she had served him with papers, they had court dates, etc.
    Then the divorce was on hold, but they were doing the open relationship thing.
    Then he said he was going to fast track the divorce because he wanted to marry me.
    Then he slipped and said something about his other girlfriends.
    That was when I realised this was all a complete crock of... you know what.

    The slut-shaming drives me nuts. Maybe I'm a whore, because I did know he was married, but innocently believed he was in the process of getting a divorce. But if we're calling names, I would say he's a whore, too, since he was simultaneously sleeping with two other people, picking up one-night-stands when he could, and dumped me because he wanted to replace me with another girl. (After I had tried for months to cut it off with him because it was really wigging me out- but he wouldn't hear of it, to the point of being violent, possessive, and scaring me.) I would say I was definitely an idiot, and very emotionally fragile, and willing to believe him because he was very kind and nurturing at a time when I had hit an emotional low.

    I understand what it's like to want the attention without the committment, especially when you've dealt with super-clingy guys in the past. At the same time, you also recognise that this just ain't a good idea, and I'm glad for you. That's a hard step to take. It is very, very easy for people to get addicted to the way being with a person makes them feel, especially when they have a history of not-so-positive interactions.

    To your credit here, you have recognised this is not positive behaviour, and that you need to move away from him. You've gotten some really useful feedback here for next steps to get away from him. Being addicted to a person and the way they make you feel is just as hard as breaking any other addiction- sometimes harder, because you can't always control their behaviour (meaning, you can choose not to buy a pack of cigarettes, and the cigarette can't walk up to your doorstep).

    If you commit to dropping this guy, you must must MUST do it completely. No calling him "just to check in." No "saying hi." Nothing. No contact. Erase his number. Erase your number. Move to Timbucktoo. But definitely, definitely talk about this to your counselor or anyone who can be non-partial. I think you'll find, as I did, that all the things that made you feel gooshy and positive about your relationship were actually things that were poisonous to your emotional and mental well-being. Feel free to PM me, if you want to talk.
    I didnt get the impression anyone here is slamming just the OP. Most here are slamming what both the OP and the man are doing. I mean come on-regardless of what he said, if hes thinking about getting divorced, hes not happy, the wife knew about it, blah blah blah-the fact still remains he is MARRIED. Both are to blame if the man is cheating and the OP is knowingly part of it. In my mind, if yo are knowingly involved in an affair-cheater or other man/woman-you are to blame regardless of whats going on. All it takes is to grow some and end it until that person has ended the other relationship.

    The thing that bothers me the most about people like the OP is that they just dont care! Once you are on the other end of cheating story, I think you might actually realize that what you are doing is WRONG.

    If the OP or others who just dont care ever had that get punched in the gut feeling when you catch your ex with someone else, maybe s/he would change your tune.
    ************************
    "I can't help but wonder,what would Jimmy Buffett do?"


    3 members found this post helpful.

  14. #74
    Join Date
    Mar. 27, 2008
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    Maryland
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    Ernie, for what it's worth, I don't think you're a whore. It sounds like he was lying to you right off the bat and there are a lot of men who are "in the process of getting divorced", if you know what I mean. You aren't the first person to trust a lying piece of shit and you won't be the last.
    It's one thing to find out a man is married and to stop seeing him. It's another thing to keep going back and actively seeking to be the other woman.
    If I found out my husband was a cheater, the other woman could have him. He wouldn't be the person I married. I don't have any kids and am able to support myself so it's easy for me to say that.
    You are what you dare.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #75
    Join Date
    Jul. 10, 2012
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    Columbus, OH
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    For what it's worth, I'm not condoning sleeping with a married man. Of course there are exceptions, such as poly lifestyles, but I personally do believe in monogamy. I have also been cheated on, and I really sympathise with that side of the card, too.

    For those who say it takes two to tango, it does. But probably not in the way you think. A majority of those people who engage in a relationship with a married person very likely aren't cold-heartedly thinking "so what? Eff the spouse/children/family." Most people are more psychologically rounded than that. Generally, when we engage in precarious behaviour, it's because the outcome is fulfilling some psychological or emotional need. In my example, there were red flags all over the place in the beginning, which I either accommodated by believing him (because I had no reason to know he was lying at first), or by glossing over details, because he made me feel special. It's totally sickening to think back on it now, but he did all sorts of things to make me feel important.

    In reality, he was a vile and intelligent predator, who was using all of these lovely little tricks to completely control me, and by doing so, make me make HIM feel important. At the end of the day, I felt drained, used, and, to quote another poster, "disgusting." And that was before I knew he was lying about his wife!

    Once I had enough red flags waving in my face to pull it together and walk away, he had me enough under his control to make the act of calling it off very frightening for me. And once it was finally over, I had to take a good, hard look at myself with a professional and realise that I had never actually liked him- I was addicted to feeling important, due to my own low self-esteem and being at a really low, difficult place in my life. Basically, he was scum filling up an emotional void. I have since learned that there are plenty of wonderful, warm, productive things that can fill a perceived void!

    So, for the OP, it sounds like this guy is not really that important to her, either. That he's filling a gap somewhere. That they're using each other for very similar purposes- because something's missing somewhere, and it hurts to live without it. Good on the OP for knowing it's bad news, and for reaching out to get her wits about her when she's feeling weak. Just keep that perspective, and go about life with a more healthy outlook. A healthy relationship with one's self is a constantly evolving process- and a difficult one. Keep moving forward, one step at a time, and concentrate on fulfilling your own needs without being a slave to another's!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  16. #76
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    Feb. 1, 2012
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    They are both equal pieces of trash. Period. He is disgusting for cheating, OP is disgusting for CHOOSING to continue to sleep with a married man. She may have been deceived at first, but after finding out that he was married, she didn't walk away. And THAT is why she is just as bad as the married man.
    "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple payments..."


    7 members found this post helpful.

  17. #77
    Join Date
    Nov. 24, 2002
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    Northern KY
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    Default And if you aren't in love???

    Then for heaven's sake find someone else to do the horizontal bop with.

    Go take a home cooked meal to your local FD or PD, you'll meet single hot guys in uniform.

    Drama turns you on? Well, now you're just being an idiot.


    You have to just end it completely, no calls, no texts, no visits, no kidding. You may miss the jerk, but you will not get on with your life if you don't just stop it. This was a man who, for over a year, spent the week with me, and then went home to his family on the weekend. She knew who I was, he never lied to me, never made any promises, nothing, they had married young, I wasn't his first affair, I was just the last/longest. I was good friends with his brothers and his mother, everyone "knew", and eventually, I got tired of being with someone who had no intention of changing his life. I made a choice to end it, because, as much as we had, it wasn't enough for me.

    I found out when the MM I was in love with for so long died through a mutual friend, a decade after I ended it. I did not attend his funeral. Ending the relationship was difficult, his brother remained on of my dear friends, and understood completely.

    If I had known at the beginning what I knew after all that time ( and there was a marriage for me in the middle of the "affair") I would never have stayed in the relationship. Oh, I might have scratched an itch, but I'd have been long gone before it ever got anywhere near serious.

    As a "mature" woman, I wonder what the hell I was thinking in the first place.
    Oh wait, I remember, but it was still a bad and selfish choice on both our parts.

    Get out, you don't love him, she likely does poor woman.



  18. #78
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    Dec. 26, 2008
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    She is involved in an abusive relationship plan and simple, that is why people are calling her the victim.

    Is he hitting her? NO. BUT he is manipulating her. When she says she doesn't want a relationship she contradicts herself then by being unable to say NO and mean it. There is a big difference. Is he everything everyone has called him? Absolutely. Is she? Absolutely. However there is a greater issue her and that is a mental issue.

    OP I want to share a little story that will hopefully give you insight as to why the people on this board are saying you don't really know anything about the wife. ( and this should go on the I dated that douche thread....) When I was 18 I met what I thought was the perfect guy ( I had a history of bad boys.) He was in college for pre-law, owned a business with his grandfather, owned his own vehicle, and was otherwise well to do. Over the course of the next year and a half he alienated me from my friends, started working where I worked, and came up with the most elaborate lies. In this time I became pregnant and had my oldest ( who is almost 9!) In short I was scared to leave him because he told me he would take the baby and flee the country ( charming huh?) well the day he had me locked in a room and threw me on the ground because I wouldn't work my only day off in two weeks so he could go to Vegas? Yeah that was the last day.

    Here's the kicker. I have since found out that he told his ex who came after me that he caught me cheating on him....yup never happened. He told his friends that same thing. He also had a GF here while living with his ex in Vegas( he eventually moved out there and works in law enforcement heaven help me) What did I find out when she moved home and found out about the girl here? That he told her that he came home to allow me visitation with our son. That he had custody....except son lives with me and DH.

    My whole point is this guy is the same way. Not only that but he's feeding you the same lies. Because he can. While him and wife may not get along ( though I doubt it) he is un willing to divorce him and my guess is there is another reason why she will not divorce him. I'm sorry but this behavior has struck a cord with me.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #79
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    Sep. 11, 2008
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    This in spades. There are 2 sides youve only heard his.

    Quote Originally Posted by GraceLikeRain View Post
    I don't think this is a fair assumption. She might be heartbroken but feel tied to the marriage because she doesn't have a job and is financially dependent on him. I wouldn't take her silence as apathy.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #80
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    I hear that. The cheating isnt about you tho. Its their own issues and bs. Its easy to say i know but it really is their problem not yours.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hippolyta View Post
    When I hear about people having affairs, I always think the bigger POS is whoever is married. If they are both married, then both. Yes, the other woman/man is trolling low, but the cheater is, IMHO, the worst offender.

    I also think once a cheater, always a cheater.

    I have never understood how someone can do something so hurtful to another human being. Betrayal can destroy someone. I really think if this happened to me, I would probably lie down & never get up again. I have enough trouble with plain old rejection. Cheating would, I think, have the potential to literally kill me. I should probably have shrink on speed dial if I ever get into a relationship again.



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