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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2012
    Posts
    8

    Default I'm gonna go for it. The married man thread. UPDATE post #139

    Obviously I'm altered.

    I met this guy 4-5 years ago. Said he was single. Wasn't single.

    At the time I was a big mess anyway and not looking for a relationship so I decided to go for it. Not cool, I know.

    It went on for a couple years. We got closer and closer and his wife started checking the phone bills. That freaked me out and I told him I was done. Of course he had said they were only living together, not in love anymore, etc. I didn't believe it, but all the same, he was alone on holidays and stuff, I figured she didn't care or whatever. But I also didn't want her calling me or coming to the house. So I ended it.

    Sad to say, I really missed him

    We didn't speak for two years. In the meantime, I had found a BF that I thought was pretty cool. About two weeks into that, the MM (married man) calls me out of the blue. Left a message. Completely freaked me out. So new BF was wondering what was going on. I kinda told him.

    The MM was working in the area near where I was working, so we met. Bad, I know. But I had to see him. And he was in uniform, so, you know. LOL He's ridiculously hot anyway. But that was icing on the cake. He was trying to convince me to start up again, but I was trying to be on the straight and narrow and I said No. But man, it was tough.

    He called off and on. I told him not to call anymore. But I didn't block his number either. Of course BF was getting pretty PO'd. By then we were living together and things weren't going well anyway. Not because of the MM situation ,but because he was just all over me. Clingy, wanted to go everywhere, control everything (that was triggered from the MM thing but was just beyond reasonable). Just not for me. MM started looking better and better. If I'm doing the time, might as well do the crime, I figured.

    When we broke up, of course I contacted MM. We met briefly, but I was in such a state from the break up (it was REALLY bad) that I said, I couldn't do it. And we quit talking again for about 6 months. I deleted all his info, etc. Didn't expect to hear from him and didn't want to.

    Xmas, guess who texts. Arg. Now I'm saving the number and thinking about calling him again because I sure don't want a BF. I am in counciling already, and I can't wait to talk about this to my councilor, who of course is out because his wife just had a baby. But anyway, hope that will straighten me out.

    I don't know how to explain really, becuase I usually don't get this attached to people, men esp. Not sure what it is with this one, except that we are both pretty messed up in the head.

    I think a lot of the attraction to MM is that he is unavailable. Plus the drama that goes along with it, hate to admit that, but it's true. I wouldn't want to steal him away for myself or anything like that. I think if he ever said he was leaving her for me, I'd run like hell.

    I know you guys want to smack me on the head for bad behavior. I already know this is not good. What I want to know is how to not be attracted to it and leave it once and for all. Life was so peaceful before he texted me on Xmas, I was having a nice single life and now here comes the roller coaster again. I don't want to ride but can't seem to get myself off of it.

    help?
    Last edited by badalter; Feb. 4, 2013 at 12:51 PM.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun. 30, 2006
    Location
    SF Bay Area, California
    Posts
    4,429

    Default

    Get a new phone number so MM can't text you.
    Proud owner of a Slaughter-Bound TB from a feedlot, and her surprise baby...!
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e350/Jen4USC/fave.jpg
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e3...SC/running.jpg


    22 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr. 14, 2001
    Location
    Minnesota
    Posts
    16,590

    Default

    Time for a new number. If MM was serious, he would have gotten a divorce. He's had plenty of time.

    This is not a right relationship at the wrong time deal. This is toxic and harmful and you deserve better.


    14 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May. 24, 2006
    Posts
    2,896

    Default

    Having been on the other end of what you are doing in my first marriage, I find what both of you doing pretty despicable. That is all, carry on.


    86 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    I'm not so sure it's bad. I mean, I know it's bad. But if he's out of his marriage, let him get OUT OF his marriage and then pursue it.

    But I'lll let you know...once upon a time....my MM did leave his wife. But not til after I was engaged Then he wanted me to leave my fiance. (whom I didn't end up marrying by the way)

    It got so messy.

    SOOO messy.

    You can try it.

    But I wouldn't advise it.

    Cut ties and find someone who is actually available. Totally available.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    6 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2012
    Location
    illinois
    Posts
    21

    Default

    I've been the wife in this situation before. I think this is despicable also. One thing that you can be absolutely sure of,,, he is a CHEATER! He cheated on his wife with you,,,, you have to know he WILL cheat on you,,, and so on and so on,,,.


    49 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,372

    Default

    I'm not entirely sure of that cheater is a cheater business. My "cheater" married guy was abandoned by his wife. She literally left the state and lived with another man. Neither of them had cheated before. They just had a split for awhile and each of them had their person.

    It's different for everyone I guess. But it's a bad sitch for the person who isn't married and puts in work to a relationship when they get back together. I mean, I'm glad that my person and his wife did. I'm glad they're happy now. (and I'm married now) but wow. THey sure missed the boat for a lot of years.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    2 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,556

    Default

    Get a new number
    Erase all his data
    If he was a man and was serious, he'd have manned up, gotten divorced, but he has not. And he shows ZERO, ZERO respect for his wife (or for you, really,already lied!) Not a winning trait.
    Find a warm, caring counselor who can help you sort out what is appealing to you about a man who lies.
    When you want to call him, remember that this is not some "good guy" and that you guys are somehow "star crossed lovers"; he is, basically, a low-life (he probably has plenty of his own issues which would be very interesting to a shrink but are not relevant to you!)
    Consider finding a local chapter of SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anon). Before you gasp, its a good support group for people with problematic relationships, particularly relationships they KNOW are toxic but can't let go of.
    Reinvest in your life-horses! exercise! galpals! so that your life becomes great enough that some married sleaze bag with NOTHING to offer you can't rock your boat!


    23 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2012
    Posts
    8

    Default

    I don't want to be in a relationship. That's the problem. I don't want to pursue anything. I'd rather be alone. Or attracted to this, sick and sad as that is to say.

    I'm sorry about the wife thing, I know that is difficult. Like I said, I really didn't think she cared. But I did figure she would care enough if she was actually having to face something is going on. I mean, they have a lot of money, she doesn't work, etc. So it probably wasn't so much me being in the picture but that she doesn't want to lose the lifestyle. I mean, he was at my house on holidays. She couldn't have cared too much.

    I never expected him or wanted him to get a divorce, so that wasn't really an issue.

    I probably should change the number, but I've had it for years.

    And I know deep down in the grand scheme of things, he really doesn't give a hen's tooth about me. I'm sure he just wants to get laid. He really had it good when he was with me.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2012
    Posts
    8

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by lilitiger2 View Post
    Get a new number
    Erase all his data
    If he was a man and was serious, he'd have manned up, gotten divorced, but he has not. And he shows ZERO, ZERO respect for his wife (or for you, really,already lied!) Not a winning trait.
    Find a warm, caring counselor who can help you sort out what is appealing to you about a man who lies.
    When you want to call him, remember that this is not some "good guy" and that you guys are somehow "star crossed lovers"; he is, basically, a low-life (he probably has plenty of his own issues which would be very interesting to a shrink but are not relevant to you!)
    Consider finding a local chapter of SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anon). Before you gasp, its a good support group for people with problematic relationships, particularly relationships they KNOW are toxic but can't let go of.
    Reinvest in your life-horses! exercise! galpals! so that your life becomes great enough that some married sleaze bag with NOTHING to offer you can't rock your boat!
    This is it in a nutshell. I think I'm going to print it out and put it on the fridge, computer, nightstand, etc!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb. 25, 2012
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    2,556

    Default

    And I would not recommend sleeping with guys who don't give a hen's tooth about you! Focus on health (and on hanging with people who love you, who think you're terrific, who would never put you in that position!) People who try to get us to do things that are basically out of our value system are NOT good for us, not for any length of time!

    Take good care of yourself!!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Sep. 20, 2005
    Posts
    3,504

    Default

    You should really take a hard look at yourself. You aren't making good choices and you're justifying your bad behavior.

    You keep saying you know it's wrong, and then you go on to explain that it's okay though, because I doubt the wife cares and he's just so hot in his uniform and and and...

    A lot of other people are going to coddle you and say "it's okay, you just made a mistake". Me? I think you're a bad person. We are the choices we make and the things we do to other people. Think about that.
    "Are you yawning? You don't ride well enough to yawn. I can yawn, because I ride better than you. Meredith Michael Beerbaum can yawn. But you? Not so much..."
    -George Morris


    19 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Aug. 5, 2006
    Posts
    5,045

    Default

    You said you are mentally unhealthy, he is mentally unhealthy....a very bad, bad combination. Stay in therapy and do not seek out ANY relationship with a man until you have resolved your OWN issues and figure out why you are mentally unhealthy. People who seek out these types of relationships usually have self worth issues and do not believe they are worthy of true love...therefore, they seek out unhealthy relationships. You will never be healthy in this type of relationship....This man is jerking you around, his wife around and who knows how many others....he could be sleeping with 10 other women for all you know.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
    Posts
    6,710

    Default

    I'm sure your counselor has discussed what a predator is to you. And I'm sure your counselor has explored your past to help you uncover why you are attractive/attracted to a predator.

    Are you in a program? Do you have a sponsor?

    Know every moment you continue to allow yourself to be victimized by him or anyone you are delaying your happiness.

    (from the armchair psychologist )
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    7 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 13, 2005
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    1,383

    Default

    Sometimes you just get hooked on the wrong person.
    He will do you way more harm than good. But I think you already know that.
    Block his number. Look for things to get you involved, active, anything but sitting around thinking about him.
    And if that uniform is a cop uniform, I will say this: I have met some wonderful people who were officers.
    And the most screwed up people I have ever met, were officers. You seriously don't want to waste your life on that.
    One day, you will realize that life went by you while you were busy wasting it on someone like that, and it won't be a good feeling.
    Good luck in this. It's hard.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep. 29, 2009
    Posts
    2,576

    Default

    Block his number.

    Get a new number.

    If he really loved or wanted you he would have divorced long while back.

    What makes you think "you are the only one?"

    If he cheats, he **WILL** cheat on you.

    Then the next person who gets an alter log-on here will be talking about YOU being the unloved wife.

    Move on. You can do it.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2012
    Location
    Crestview, Fl
    Posts
    453

    Default

    I didn't read all the responses but in your initial post I caught the "in uniform" I surely hope this isn't a military man because if the wife finds out about you and reports him to his chain of command, you can surely ruin his career. Just don't do it!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    4,291

    Default

    Have to have the empathy to see yourself in other situations...

    1)his wife, and definitely his kids if he has them. it is so not worth the pain to anyone. for just feeling good for a short period of time here and there?

    2)yourself, down the road - having not gone any further because you're possibly treading water with this guy. what will that accomplish? probably nothing, and you were getting somewhere!

    Get rid of his info, change your phone, put your foot down about his never contacting you again. He knows how to push your buttons. Don't let him do that!

    Keep up the counseling, and good luck!
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2004
    Location
    Lexington, KY
    Posts
    924

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    I don't want to be in a relationship. That's the problem. I don't want to pursue anything. I'd rather be alone. Or attracted to this, sick and sad as that is to say.

    I'm sorry about the wife thing, I know that is difficult. Like I said, I really didn't think she cared. But I did figure she would care enough if she was actually having to face something is going on. I mean, they have a lot of money, she doesn't work, etc. So it probably wasn't so much me being in the picture but that she doesn't want to lose the lifestyle. I mean, he was at my house on holidays. She couldn't have cared too much.

    I never expected him or wanted him to get a divorce, so that wasn't really an issue.

    I probably should change the number, but I've had it for years.

    And I know deep down in the grand scheme of things, he really doesn't give a hen's tooth about me. I'm sure he just wants to get laid. He really had it good when he was with me.
    Like others on here have said, after being on the other end of it all I can say is shame on you and what you are doing is dispicable.

    The whore my ex cheated on me with (when I confronted her) and my ex both attempted to justify the cheating because he wasnt happy anymore. Sure that totally makes it ok then.


    You need help. You sound like a train wreck.
    ************************
    "I can't help but wonder,what would Jimmy Buffett do?"


    18 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jul. 30, 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    10,605

    Default

    Once a cheat, always a cheat. Save yourself the heartache and have nothing to do with him.
    Horse Show Names Free name website with over 6200 names. Want to add? PM me!


    9 members found this post helpful.

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