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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2000
    Location
    Greenville, MI,
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    11,808

    Question Alrighty COTH Need some advise, really at a cross roads.

    I have struggled with posting this topic for weeks, But decided since I cannot decide what to do other ideas were seriously needed.
    Just so as not to lose folks in the first post, Brief history.
    I am 54 Divorced for a year, still living with Ex.
    We bought this house 14 years ago and have lived here ever since. I adore the land and the house, it is in a rural area, 7 acres on a river, 5 acres of old growth pine boarders one side.
    Quiet, lots of wildlife.
    I have been the soul person to care for it inside and out. Yup he pays the bills, I do not pay for rent or anything. We get along okay now that there is no Marriage, but still I struggle with staying here, I say I am moving out all the time, Why? well I feel like I am just in a huge rut, although a comfortable rut.
    I dislike change, and even though I know that many things about him do not make me happy, he still has his grouchy issues.. nother story. This is home to me. But I seriously am a loner, I do not like living with someone. he is around a lot now and I like my alone time. I can do anything I please, I can move out at anytime, I have some money, although not enough to not work again. I do work for his Company now, but he wants to move out of the country and retire, so it will only be a matter of time before he sells the house and leaves.
    I can stay here, in fact he wants me to stay here, sure because when I leave he has to do it all, or hire someone to do it.
    I go back and forth with myself all the time. I had ideas of buying a small motor home and traveling, something I have always wanted to do. I do not want to buy a house, Really do not have enough money. Every time I think of leaving here, I think, what about all my beautiful gardens I have planted, all the work I put into the lawns over the years. I know insane right? I just cannot wrap my head around what to do.
    Sure shows my insecurity I guess.
    I have no kids, no horses, 2 kittys, and me.
    Am I stupid to leave all this, or am I right in thinking that I need to stop settling and move on with my life. Yup it is scary. Just throwing this out here because COTHERS always seem to help make sense out of things. Would love ideas and thoughts.
    "you can only ride the drama llama so hard before it decides to spit in your face." ?Caffeinated.



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2008
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,003

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    I left my gardens, and my home, and rented a small house with PRETTIER gardens. I am happy with my choice. It is peaceful, and I like being alone. The change was difficult. I do like renting in many ways - I found an ideal situation (so far) with investor landlords (so they were looking for a long-term tenant) and I like that when something breaks I can call a management company. But the house is still personal - it's not like living in an apartment. I thought I would hate it because it wasn't MINE, but it's becoming my home.

    Traveling sounds nice. You don't have to do anything right now, but start thinking about how you'd like your life to look. In what type of place do you want to live? How would you like to wake up? If you can put yourself into that type of situation (where you can picture what your activities of daily living would look like in your ideal life) it can be easier to find the situation that makes this possible.

    I had to do some therapy to achieve this (had an abusive ex thrown into the mix, as well, but really, the stuck part was universal).


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr. 28, 2008
    Posts
    7,210

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    Get a new job, rent a place, leave. Why on earth would you waste any more time living with your ex? That is what doesn't make any sense. You can find another place you like without all the baggage.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2000
    Location
    Greenville, MI,
    Posts
    11,808

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    Quote Originally Posted by thatmoody View Post
    I left my gardens, and my home, and rented a small house with PRETTIER gardens. I am happy with my choice. It is peaceful, and I like being alone. The change was difficult. I do like renting in many ways - I found an ideal situation (so far) with investor landlords (so they were looking for a long-term tenant) and I like that when something breaks I can call a management company. But the house is still personal - it's not like living in an apartment. I thought I would hate it because it wasn't MINE, but it's becoming my home.

    Traveling sounds nice. You don't have to do anything right now, but start thinking about how you'd like your life to look. In what type of place do you want to live? How would you like to wake up? If you can put yourself into that type of situation (where you can picture what your activities of daily living would look like in your ideal life) it can be easier to find the situation that makes this possible.

    I had to do some therapy to achieve this (had an abusive ex thrown into the mix, as well, but really, the stuck part was universal).
    Yes this is what I want, I can picture it, I would be happy with just what you described. Finding it is daunting to me.
    And I know what your saying the second poster, it does seem insane, it is insane to me. I am truly afraid of the change, though I want it.
    I lack confidence for sure. It is going to take some serious ass kicking on my part. It is so easy for me to say naaah I can live here, and deal with him, when in fact every day I find myself getting angry at the situation.
    I actually feel guilty leaving him with it all, and there is no earthly reason why I should, I have busted my ass for him and this place for 14 years.
    Sigh~ I know this is a weird situation, but that is why I threw it on here, to try and get different perspectives.
    Last edited by Sannois; Dec. 30, 2012 at 08:21 AM. Reason: typo's
    "you can only ride the drama llama so hard before it decides to spit in your face." ?Caffeinated.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Location
    Ocala
    Posts
    1,219

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    When he sells the house do you get any of the money? If you are in an area that you really like, why not look around for a place that you can afford and could enjoy just as much? You might be surprised what you could find for yourself.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar. 12, 2006
    Location
    Ocala
    Posts
    1,219


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2008
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,003

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    Start by writing things down. I began with what I liked - my morning coffee is REALLY important to me - I wanted someplace to drink it, which morphed into a porch with a small garden. I wanted a pretty space to drink my coffee. Then I decided I had ALWAYS wanted to live in an older house. I realized I could actually have what I had always wanted for a change! I started to look around at the real estate classifieds, and identified areas that had older houses in our city. Most of them were WAY out of my price range or in such bad shape that I didn't want to spend the $ to fix them up. So then I started to work with a realtor, and we discovered that there was this tiny section near a really bad part of town that wasn't bad at ALL. In fact it's really very NICE. When I tell people where I live they sort of make a face, but in fact there is this little gem of an old area in this particular city. There is a wildlife preserve next door, and great trails for walking the dog. Houses in this area are CHEAP, but very desirable. It's a great little funky neighborhood that's very up and coming, and as of yet relatively undiscovered. And rent is CHEAP. And truthfully, I don't feel the least bit uncomfortable living here in the hood. It's the type of neighborhood I've always wanted to live in, where I actually know my neighbors.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    4,077

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    I'm kind of in a similar boat. I did divorce several years ago. But there was no living together afterwards. He even suggested we stay married and live our own lives. Nah - not after what he pulled.

    But, I have a thing about owning my own home.

    We had a modest, but pleasant one growing up. Sibs much older than I am. Watched all their fun with friends at the house. Parents had to sell when I was 12. We lived in 5 places between then and when I graduated. Since going out on my own as an adult, due to various jobs/partners' jobs, etc., I have lived in more than 25 places and had had it. So I fought to keep this place after the divorce. Hasn't been easy.

    The house is a bit awkward, I have too much land, far from many amenities assumed by most, but it's mine. And I have fought for it, and cared for it. Iffy job situation the past couple of years has this in jeopardy. Very hard for me to move forward as well. But one foot in front of the other. Am starting my own business so immediate attention to that first.

    In fact, after writing this, signing off to get "back to my list of 'must do's'". So appreciate the nudge.

    Great advice above about identifying and prioritizing what is important to you. Then you have to take one step at a time to ready yourself for the direction you need to go.

    Good luck! Will be thinking of you and hoping your direction is evident, and more easily found than you've expected.

    PS Also in recent years, had a 5 year relationship with another who owned a lovely little place by the sea. He didn't lift a finger. House needed a lot. I did what I could, including removing years of weed growth and replanting his mother's garden. Was the hardest thing for me to leave. Gardening with the sea in front of you? It was heaven. And I've been back occasionally, and it's a mess. But have my own here once again. Paying attention to my garden, not his.
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    1 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2004
    Location
    South Park
    Posts
    3,090

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    Buy a used motorhome and go travel for 6 months.
    Change your perspective and gain some clarity.
    A friend told me I was delusional. I almost fell off my unicorn.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct. 28, 2007
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    1,489

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    As always, I recommend reading 'Finding Your Own North Star' by Martha Beck. It really helps me in times of transition.

    Think of this as an opportunity to create something new and wonderful. How do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life?!



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr. 22, 2011
    Location
    the Armpit of the Nation
    Posts
    3,160

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    No matter how idyllic the surroundings and all the sweat and love you've invested there, the bottom line is that you will need to leave sometime in the future. I think you are coming to terms with this fact, and that's a big step in the right direction. Keep stepping! You are a free soul with nothing encumbering you-how rare! How many women want to leave, HAVE to leave, but cannot because of kids, etc? You are footloose and fancy free, girl!

    I love the idea of the RV! You could be a snowbird, starting with a trip to Florida for the winter circuit, or Arizona maybe? What a fun way to plot your next moves as you travel around, stopping and moving on whenever the mood strikes! You could perhaps find work at a nursery And keep in mind, a little dog is an almost mandatory RV companion

    Change is always hard, and you have every right to mourn the loss of your gardens and all that you thought would be permanently yours, the physical and the intangible. But if you focus on finding a new situation for yourself, that sadness will recede. Tell yourself that you will not allow yourself to dwell on thoughts associated with your current situation-that would be stepping backwards. And pat yourself on the back for all steps toward your future.

    My sister has a saying that she lives by-KEEP MARCHIN'. She had a difficult divorce and moved out with 2 kids, and she was left with huge bills and nothing but her bankrupt business-bankrupt due to dirtbag ex. Flash forward 15 years and she's happily remarried to her high school BF and has a super successful business that she will likely sell in the next 5 years for many millions Whenever life gets tough, she KEEPS MARCHIN', keeps looking forward. Its a great two-word life philosophy.
    When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2005
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    8,113

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    If you want to try a new lifestyle, then get an old RV, and move where the snowbirds go. I bet those parks need managers, and a lot of times that includes living quarters. Since it's just you and the cats, then look around the country for places you might want to move to, and start applying for jobs. And stop improving the property he's going to end up with, unless you get a cut of the pie too. Change is hard, but you have the courage to do this. And don't buy a house, just rent something until you decide you absolutely want to live a particular place forever, because resale is iffy even in the best of places.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,128

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    Several ways to go about this.

    There are some wonderful family counselors out there, ask your doctor who he recommends.
    A bit of help talking to someone that sees people struggling like you every day would help guide your thoughts.

    Or, take a leave of absence from your job, or quit and rent an RV and go traveling until you decide to come back or follow a new path and what that may be.

    I think that would give you time to consider this more, as acting when you don't know what you want may not get you where you want to be in the future, but bring more problems and changes, something you don't seem to want.

    Or, you can make a complete break, quit the job and housing arrangement and go on, get another job, rent somewhere for now until you find something else to buy and make your peace that the old is old now, nice to have been there, time to go on now.

    Those situations tend to stress you/your immune system to the point you may get sick.
    Whatever you do, be kind to yourself.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 29, 2003
    Location
    Manchester, MI
    Posts
    1,375

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    I've been thinking about this thread all day (congratulations OP - you've been on my mind all day!) It seems to me that you're not happy - you're just "used to" the way things are. Things are relatively safe right now and changing them takes you out of your comfort zone. You may not be happy, but let's face it...change is scary!

    But, I really believe that once you do make a change - once you do go out and "seek your bliss" - you will have the realization that "wow - I was really unhappy" and that a huge weight will have been lifted from your shoulders. Sometimes I don't think people really realize how bad things are or how unhappy they are until they make a change. Hindsight is 20/20, you know?

    Do it. You only live once. You only have one shot at finding your bliss so don't waste it. And if you fall on your face? So what! You pick yourself up and you keep going - but you do it on YOUR TERMS. That's the kind of person I think we all want to be at the end of the day.
    Come to the darkside...we have cookies.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    4,932

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    We have former neighbors that are doing the RV park manager thing and they love it! They live in South Dakota in the summer and Texas in the winter and visit people in between and are saving a ton of money.

    Dr. Laura used to tell people in order to swim to the other side of the pool you have to let go of the side you're on.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
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    30,671

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    well, you could rent an RV first, travel for a while, see if the lifestyle pleases you.
    It is a lifestyle. Not everybody takes to it.

    Then, maybe you have a different perspective and refreshed batteries.

    My dad has a nice house and a small RV. while the vehicle is nice and well equipped and thought out, I need more elbow room over time.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    11,331

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    I have no good advice, but wanted you to know that I read your post and am jingling for you to find something that works well for you.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Apr. 15, 2010
    Posts
    668

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    just remember if you haven't been paying for anything, that times have changed and stuff, gas, etc, is expensive. I hope you have a big nest egg if you just want to be out and not work.

    That said, if you are set up financially, then go for it.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 14, 2010
    Location
    Horse Heaven
    Posts
    1,839

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    Thank you for writing the post - very brave! If you can set a goal that you love -- you can take small steps every week or so to get there? That might be less daunting. Of course sometimes big changes are fantastic and life-altering in good ways - but not if it's not the right next step for YOU.

    Do you have a counselor who can help you chart out the next steps? Just as important is going to a fee-based financial counselor to help review your options. I found a reputable one through my trusted CPA. Knowing where you stand is the only way to make future plans.

    Best wishes in 2013.

    Quote Originally Posted by ellebeaux View Post
    As always, I recommend reading 'Finding Your Own North Star' by Martha Beck. It really helps me in times of transition.

    Think of this as an opportunity to create something new and wonderful. How do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life?!
    Ellebeaux thanks for reminding about this book - local used book store had a copy! Great way to start 2013! Martha Beck's early books have a wicked humor and serendipity to them - this is one of the gems.



  20. #20
    Join Date
    Sep. 13, 2000
    Location
    Greenville, MI,
    Posts
    11,808

    Thumbs up Thanks all for the great posts..

    I have no clue how to do Multiple quotes, so I will try to address as many as I can remember.
    First, I will not get any money from the eventual sale of said house. I signed off on it for a cash settlement.
    Not a ton of money but nothing to sneeze at either.
    I have excellent credit, so I know I could buy a small house without mortgaging one.
    I am not sure that is the road I want to take to be honest,
    After 14 years of home ownership and all the problems and expenses this place incurred, I would rather rent.
    I looked onto renting an RV to try for a while, insanely expensive to rent, 1500.00 a week. No lie.
    No way. I know there are tons of nice ones for sale in my Area, and I have been on the look out for one for a while.
    It is still very daunting to me, Why I guess I am still not a fan of change. But I know it is something I want to do.
    I am a very quiet person, and extremely responsible,
    It would be great to be able to find a caretakers position for a small farm, but those things do not crop up all that often I imagine. I am not opposed to leaving Michigan, but I like my little town, yeah, snow and all.
    I do need to sit down and write lists and make a step by step plan. Thanks Halo for the links.
    I know there are people around that cannot sell there houses and look for good tenants to rent to.
    As my dear departed mom used to say, it is time to @*&# or get off the pot! Thank you again for your great posts.
    "you can only ride the drama llama so hard before it decides to spit in your face." ?Caffeinated.



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