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  1. #1

    Default Is male friend doing something not right here?

    I have a good male friend at work that has turned into a friends with benefits situation, maybe a little more. He works in the same department as I. (Yeah, I know.) We hang out often & it's all great - physically and mentally. It's been about four months that we've been keeping company.

    In the past few months, the department has had a student who is doing an educational clinical rotation. Female student "wants him bad" and is quite friendly/forward with him. I recently find out that they have been going out walking at lunch. I knew nothing of this for a few months. Female student is quite the aggressive type and this had supposedly started by her inviting herself out with him when he goes to lunch. (Fyi, most people think she is quite annoying; she talks all the time; gets in everyone's business and tells everyone she meets extremely intimate details of her life. O.K., to be blunt she tells everyone she deals with at all about her breast implants. Then, she sits down next to me one day and tells me that she "is pierced everywhere". No fooling. Yeah, gross, I know. And, at her educational clinical rotation, no less. Many people use the word "crazy" to describe her, actually, and avoid dealing with her. She is mid 30's, btw. Oh, and male friend and I are very much not the pierced everywhere type of people.

    Him walking with her is killing me and he doesn't understand it.

    He says that he is not involved with her and it does seem probably that that is true right now. He says he doesn't like her in that way. However, I only see it as an easy and small jump to more than that. He is young and seems to like her attention. It is killing me.

    Input?

    Also, he is very talented at his work, professional and has a great future in his career. He is quite well regarded and was promoted rather quickly. I think him going walking at lunch with this girl is rather unprofessional. Our work environment is extremely gossipy with many very, very not nice, catty people.

    Your opinions, please?

    Thanks so very much.

    Oh, her clinical rotation will end in a few weeks, thank goodness.
    Last edited by anotheralteranotheralter; Dec. 29, 2012 at 04:34 PM. Reason: typos



  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by anotheralteranotheralter View Post
    I think him going walking at lunch with this girl is rather unprofessional. .
    You are sleeping with him. How is that not more unprofessional than walking together?

    I think you want more than this guy wants, and you are jealous of the new girl. Talk to the guy, tell him what you want, and see if he wants a relationship or just FWB
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


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  3. #3
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    It doesn't seem like he's made any kind of commitment to a relationship to just you, so to him, he's not doing anything wrong by hanging out with her.

    And. He is just walking with her, as far as you know. I would take a deep breath. She doesn't seem like his type, and maybe he's just trying to be friendly towards her. She invited herself, not the other way around. I'm sure that things will be fine. If not, than he's not the one for you anyways, and you'll deserve better.
    Last edited by Superminion; Dec. 29, 2012 at 04:39 PM. Reason: typo
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  4. #4
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    What is the question?

    Are you two in a "monogamous relationship"? Does HE know this?

    Brushing the "for Gods sake don't date where you work" aside, this sounds like the GreenJealousyMonster.


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  5. #5
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    Thanks all.

    " Me: I think him going walking at lunch with this girl is rather unprofessional.

    Response from Rustbreeches, above:

    You are sleeping with him. How is that not more unprofessional than walking together?"


    This is true. However, we have a really great chemistry/situation and I'm truly glad I did. I thought long and hard about it for a few months before this all occurred. I'm not one to do this.

    The walking, though, is obvious for all to see. My situation with him is not.



  6. #6
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    Um, you have no claim on him since you're just the benefit on the side. Even if he decides the other gal is gf material (he obviously likes spending time with her walking in public, not just getting laid on occasion privately), its nunya.

    Thems the breaks.
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  7. #7
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    You are obviously jealous of this girl. You say you are just FWB but have expectations of things that would be found in an exclusive relationship, which you don't have. You need to be ok with the FWB situation, meaning he is free to do what he wants with whoever he wants, or you need to discuss making it exclusive.

    FWIW, I think the situation with the girl and the situation with you are both unprofessional.
    "People ask me 'will I remember them if I make it'. I ask them 'will you remember me if I don't?'"


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  8. #8
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    JMO,

    1. You are jealous because you want more than friends with benefits with his guy, but settled for what you have. Unresolved feelings and all that.

    2. Him walking out with the girl is no less professional than you fishing off the company pier.

    3. You have no claim on him since you're just banging (friends with benefits).

    This is why you don't crap where you eat. Lesson learned right? And BTW having worked in the world, in an office environment, I'm going to bet your friends-with-benefits relationship isn't as secret as you think it is.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


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  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by anotheralteranotheralter View Post
    Thanks all.

    " Me: I think him going walking at lunch with this girl is rather unprofessional.

    Response from Rustbreeches, above:

    You are sleeping with him. How is that not more unprofessional than walking together?"


    This is true. However, we have a really great chemistry/situation and I'm truly glad I did. I thought long and hard about it for a few months before this all occurred. I'm not one to do this.

    The walking, though, is obvious for all to see. My situation with him is not.
    Maybe she is saying the same thing-- that they have great chemistry. You have no claims on this guy. He is a friend with benefits and I would say you are in serious jeopardy of getting hurt since it is obvious that this means more to you than that. As far as professionalism goes, I would say you are more lacking in that department than the walking friend, all things considered.


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  10. #10
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    I used to walk with my mentor at lunch. I never considered it unprofessional. Just a chance to catch up and get some air and exercise. It's pretty common where I work. Then again my husband works there too and never had a problem. I would let it ride and see what happens when the rotation ends. If you are having these feelings I thunk you should find out if he's willing to go past FWB.



  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by anotheralteranotheralter View Post

    The walking, though, is obvious for all to see. My situation with him is not.

    Don't kid yourself that your relationship with him is invisible to coworkers .


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  12. #12
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    she's walking, you're having sex... and what is the question? oh yes, SHE is the problem?

    agree re: jealousy. The fact you had to trash her for several sentences to me is key.

    Anyways, this all sounds a bit crazy to me...about trying for a real boyfriend? or husband??? they can be a lot of fun too...


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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    Don't kid yourself that your relationship with him is invisible to coworkers .
    At the same time, who cares what they think? There is a difference between suspecting and knowing. FWB is not worth losing your job over, however, or your professional reputation. If you feel either of those is likely, you should break it off.

    I don't think you are just friends with someone, if you are sleeping with them. Instead of clouding the waters, better to call it what it is: casual dating. If you want more, tell him. You can't blame a restaurant for not bring you the steak, if you ordered the pasta. If he says no, then write him off as a romance, but if you like him as a person, keep him as a friend - just be prepared and ok with him having a real romance and don't wait around for him and exclude yourself from having one of your own.


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  14. #14
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    Jumping on the bandwagon..

    It sounds like you're jealous. Jealous that he's hanging out with someone in the open while your "relationship" with him is secret. Jealous that someone is trying to muscle in on what's "yours".

    He doesn't owe you anything - you're not in a relationship with him. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you - if he did he would broach the subject.


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  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    At the same time, who cares what they think? There is a difference between suspecting and knowing. FWB is not worth losing your job over, however, or your professional reputation. If you feel either of those is likely, you should break it off.

    I don't think you are just friends with someone, if you are sleeping with them. Instead of clouding the waters, better to call it what it is: casual dating. If you want more, tell him. You can't blame a restaurant for not bring you the steak, if you ordered the pasta. If he says no, then write him off as a romance, but if you like him as a person, keep him as a friend - just be prepared and ok with him having a real romance and don't wait around for him and exclude yourself from having one of your own.
    There it is.
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  16. #16
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    She's pursuing openly (and he's ok with it), and you're sleeping with him on the sly. I don't see why your thing is somehow more professional.

    Is the girl being professional? No, and if her clinical supervisor had any brains s/he'd write down what she does (not the walking with a co-worker but the open talking about boob implants, her personal piercings, etc) - I supervised students in a clinical setting and that would be all over their rotation reports, FFS. It's a workplace, not her FB wall. Then again from what you mentioned about the people in your workplace, maybe it's just par for the course there *shrug*

    So OP, does your FWB know your situation is "maybe a little more" or is that all your wish-believe? The whole point of a FWB situation is that you owe one another nothing beyond the pleasure of your company when you're together. He could be screwing the whole office and you should be able to shrug it off if this was just FWB.


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  17. #17
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    You're not his girlfriend? None of your business.
    "Last time I picked your feet, you broke my toe!"


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  18. #18
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    stop acting unprofessional? namely, you don't sleep with your co-workers, and you might want to distance yourself from this particular person- he sounds like someone who will act unprofessionally with any and all, and when his career goes down in flames you don't want to be dragged along with him.


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  19. #19
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    You saying twice in your OP that this situation is "killing" you clearly indicates that this is NOT merely a FWB situation for you. Nothing unprofessional with the "just walking" thing if that's really all it is (leaving aside the inappropriate dialogue she has with you and other co-workers). I used to do that with my old boss daily and it was pretty well-known in the workplace that he considered me his protege and even almost a second daughter. If you think walking at lunch is a "small jump" to boinking each other, that might say more about you than her!

    Personally, I find a FWB situation in the workplace to be even more unprofessional than an honest-to-goodness relationship, but that''s just me.
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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by paulaedwina View Post
    JMO,

    1. You are jealous because you want more than friends with benefits with his guy, but settled for what you have. Unresolved feelings and all that.

    2. Him walking out with the girl is no less professional than you fishing off the company pier.

    3. You have no claim on him since you're just banging (friends with benefits).

    This is why you don't crap where you eat. Lesson learned right? And BTW having worked in the world, in an office environment, I'm going to bet your friends-with-benefits relationship isn't as secret as you think it is.

    Paula

    Pretty much all this.

    And if you think nobody else in your office senses the vibe between you two, you're the biggest fool of the lot.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


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