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  1. #1
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    Jun. 26, 2009
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    Default Should I tell him why I won't marry him (right now)

    SO is my true love. I love him with the only condition being that he be him. Marrying him is for me entirely conditional. I do want to marry him, but not if he won't agree to some things. He's an addict and has lied to me about it. He isn't using now - I don't think - but I feel he has to take more responsibility for his addiction and seek help, if he needs it. He is a very sweet man and is a magnet for bullies and abusive relationships. I feel he needs to have more judgment about people and I'm not willing to go through life dealing with a revolving collection of monsters he thinks are his friends. Aside from this, we have a great relationship, but it is great partly because I can go home. I don't know how to tell him how I feel without him feeling judged. He has made a great effort to maintain his recovery, but the psychos and freaks keep multiplying. I know it is wrong to blame him for being a victim, but I just can't have that in my life, where I have nowhere to go that isn't "ours."


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  2. #2
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    Jan. 31, 2003
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    Telling the truth is always admirable. However, sometimes telling the Whole truth is hurtful to people and if no good is going to come from it, it may be better for everyone for you to tell one version of the truth. In your case, I think merely focusing on your desire to maintain separate spaces is enough. You dont have to elaborate on the details. Just make it all about you and your quirky need to have your own space.

    You know you are just buying time by doing this, right? You need to contemplate that carefully and be sure you understand your intention. Not all relationships culminate in marriage but if a marriage is his true desire, you do need to address this at some point - that you dont see that ever hapoening. Only you know which tactic is correct. Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec. 30, 2002
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    Ontario, Canada
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    I don't know how to advise you, but please be careful.

    4.5 years ago I met a guy who seemed great. I did know going into the relationship that he had abused drugs in the past, but he told me and I naively believed that it was only in the past. I got pregnant less than a year into the relationship and it all went downhill from there.

    I only discovered the drug abuse about 1.5 years ago. He swore it was something he did on occasion and that it was totally under control. Again I naively believed him. I thought I'd marry this man and we already had a child together. He held a good job for most of our 4 year relationship and I thought things were under control. I think I knew for quite awhile that there was something going on, but I chose to ignore it because I didn't want our lives to fall apart.

    Eventually the drug use spiralled out of control. He ended up being arrested on multiple counts of theft - he needed more money to buy drugs.

    I believe that an addiction is a mental illness. I believe that it can be treated and I know that many addicts work through their problems and go on to lead very productive lives. But it can be a tough road for everyone involved. You can give this person everything, love them with all your heart, but it may not be enough. Only he can decide not to use and trust me, no amount of begging and pleading will change their minds. My ex has since attended a 30 day rehab program, but based on his recent behaviour I think he is using again.

    Go into this with your eyes wide open. I've never done so, but I suggest looking into Al-Anon or another group for friends/family of addicts.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Dec. 30, 2002
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    Ontario, Canada
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    Default

    ...
    Last edited by glitterless; Dec. 28, 2012 at 08:06 PM. Reason: double post!



  5. #5
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    Dec. 30, 2002
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    Ontario, Canada
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    I'm rambling, but just realized that I didn't even answer your question, Southern. I think I saw "addict" and had to vent.

    I think it would be important to let him know why you're not ready for marriage. I know that addicts need a lot of support to work through their addiction and that hearing the truth may be detrimental, but I still think he has a right to know how you feel.

    I don't know that it would be wrong to let him know that you need to see him doing well and in recovery for quite some time before you'd be ready for marriage. Tell him that his choice of friends does make you uncomfortable; especially if you know they are also users. He is more likely to use again if he continues to spend time with these people.

    Your honesty may upset him, but it may also give him that boost that he needs to really work through his problems.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 26, 2009
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    81

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by EqTrainer View Post
    Telling the truth is always admirable. However, sometimes telling the Whole truth is hurtful to people and if no good is going to come from it, it may be better for everyone for you to tell one version of the truth. In your case, I think merely focusing on your desire to maintain separate spaces is enough. You dont have to elaborate on the details. Just make it all about you and your quirky need to have your own space.

    You know you are just buying time by doing this, right? You need to contemplate that carefully and be sure you understand your intention. Not all relationships culminate in marriage but if a marriage is his true desire, you do need to address this at some point - that you dont see that ever hapoening. Only you know which tactic is correct. Good luck, it sounds like a tough situation.
    That is kind of what I've been doing. It is getting harder though, especially because his mom keeps dropping hints. She and my mom are good friends and are basically planning the wedding. I'm not saying that it's his fault that yet another business partner just stole over $50,000 from him, but it happens to him at an abnormal rate. I do want to marry him - it isn't that, but I feel these are things he should change about himself. And I told him this guy was no good, and he said I was right, but he couldn't get out of it. I said that was silly, but he went on and look what happened.


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  7. #7
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    Mar. 6, 2002
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    Oregon
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    I do want to marry him - it isn't that, but I feel these are things he should change about himself.
    Think about this. You only want to marry him if he agrees to change. I would be honest, but tactful. When it's not just *his* $50k he's losing, but *yours* too, how are you going to feel about that?
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    8 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Westford, Massachusetts
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    Quote Originally Posted by Southernlawyer View Post
    That is kind of what I've been doing. It is getting harder though, especially because his mom keeps dropping hints. She and my mom are good friends and are basically planning the wedding. I'm not saying that it's his fault that yet another business partner just stole over $50,000 from him, but it happens to him at an abnormal rate. I do want to marry him - it isn't that, but I feel these are things he should change about himself. And I told him this guy was no good, and he said I was right, but he couldn't get out of it. I said that was silly, but he went on and look what happened.
    This is going to sound pretty harsh, but, don't take his mother's desire to get him married to you as something positive. She's got a problem child on her hands, I'm sure she'd love to have someone else take responsibility for him.


    22 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
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    My friend was in love with an addict and the families were very close. His dad was a drinker and he was into cocaine. It was on and off for about 15 years, but he could just never change. She finally broke it off.

    I would be VERY reluctant to marry someone like this.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
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    Jan. 21, 2012
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    Canada
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    RUN. FAST. AND FAR. QUICKLY.


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  11. #11
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    Jun. 24, 2005
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    Canaqua is right. Mommy wants to have someone else take care of him, because she's either in total denial about his addiction, or she's hoping you can 'fix' him. Addicts only care about their drugs or alcohol or whatever there substance or substances are. They care more about being an addict than anything, including their own health and future. Addiction is selfish, and as long as he is addicted you will come second, or even further down the list for him. And even if he goes to rehab, you do realize that most programs caution against making anything but recovery and treatment a priority for at least a year? The person who goes to rehab, might not be the person who comes out, and continues treatment. Your entire relationship will probably change, and that's even saying he might go to treatment and complete it, and commit to sobriety. You have enough input from other people who have been where you are now, and you need to decide if you will stay with him if he keeps using. Unfortunately, if you think he's using, and he hangs out with other users, then he probably is.

    Why can't you level with him about your reasons? Avoiding talking about the reason you won't marry him won't help anything, and letting his mom and yours plan a wedding as if it's happening isn't helping either. If you can't be honest with him now, then when will you discuss his problems? Avoiding the issues involved is not helping anything. Does you mother realize all of the problems involved? I bet she doesn't or she wouldn't want anything to do with joining you in such a dysfunctional relationship. You didn't make him an addict, and telling him why you won't marry him as long as he's using won't keep him an addict either. You do need to go to Al-anon or at least read their literature (I'm sure it's online), and see exactly what your life will be like, and where you will be if you marry him. He is the only person that can fix him, and you can't do that for him. And marrying a person who will eventually ruin your life, your finances, and someday you will look back at the situation and wish you had made other choices. Marriage or a permanent relationship needs to be give and take, but this one will be nothing but him taking, and you giving everything.
    Last edited by JanM; Dec. 28, 2012 at 09:41 PM.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


    6 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Jun. 26, 2009
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    81

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Canaqua View Post
    This is going to sound pretty harsh, but, don't take his mother's desire to get him married to you as something positive. She's got a problem child on her hands, I'm sure she'd love to have someone else take responsibility for him.
    I'm sure there's some truth to that. He is more than his problems though, or he is to me. He did have $50,000 to steal, which is because he's very brilliant and good at what he does. He and I have a very long relationship and have been through a lot together. I am not perfect either and he is my best friend. I want him, but just feel I can't have him, unless he changes and don't know how I can tell him without hurting him.



  13. #13
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    Aug. 28, 2007
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    Triangle Area, NC
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    Because I've been there, ask yourself what's really driving you in this relationship?

    I'd be honest with him about the whys... He deserves to know even if it hurts; even of the reasons aren't things he can change.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble



  14. #14
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    Mar. 26, 2011
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    Pennsylvania
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    I am sure some people have successfully handled this, but I had a short relationship with a drug addict once and will not do it a second time, much less marry one. And he's grown so tell him the truth.

    Paula
    He is total garbage! Quick! Hide him on my trailer (Petstorejunkie).


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Dec. 30, 2011
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    This is kind of blunt, so I am sorry about that. Addicts and alcoholics can be wonderful people. You may love him, but you don't have to spend your life with him. Please go to talk to someone in AA or NA or even an Al-Anon meeting. Do not, do not, do not ever marry him. Or get tangled up financially, you will need to get out of this someday and its going to be hard emotionally so don't make it hard legally.
    You are worth saving, save yourself.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Jun. 24, 2006
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    I would be honest with him, tell him what you told us. I could sense the compassion and respect you have for him through your post, as long as you are kind about it (ie use the language you used in the OP) I think that even if it hurts him, it is the right thing to do. YOU are worth his feelings getting hurt to have a wake up call. This is not a scenario where you can tip toe around the issues.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
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    Oct. 25, 2008
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    The only instance where I would consider being in a relationship with an addict would be if they are actively-- and I mean ACTIVELY-- working a 12-step program for a number of years, has a sponsor and sponsees, and has made all those lifestyle changes necessary for their recovery. Continuing to have a "revolving collection of monsters he thinks are his friends" does not fit the picture of recovery-- AT ALL.
    *friend of bar.ka

    "Evidently, I am an unrepentant b*tch, possible trouble maker, and all around super villian"


    5 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Oct. 28, 2007
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    Until he gets sober, he will always put his addiction ahead of you. Is that what you deserve in life from a partner? Is that what you want to commit yourself to - always being second best?


    4 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
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    Jan. 31, 2003
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    I think she knows not to marry him.. The question is, how to tell him? OP, do correct me if I am mistaken.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
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    Jun. 1, 2002
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    I think what you are doing wrong here is waiting for him to change. If you've known him for many years and he hasn't changed yet, do you really expect him to? Love is powerful but not always as powerful as addiction. Ask yourself if you are caught up in his cycle of addiction and if you are enabling his behavior in any way.

    I would not expect his behavior to change if you told him you would marry him if it did, and if it changed for even a few minutes I would expect it to change back. Then it would be your money he'd be losing.

    Addicts only change for themselves, when they want to change. When they realize that their actions put themselves in a bad spot. Addicts don't look at the consequences of their actions in a realistic way or feel bad about the people they hurt on the way.

    The best thing that you can do is to not talk about marriage as a threat or promise at all, encourage him to get help, and if you feel you are enabling his behavior you may have to step away from him until he improves.


    4 members found this post helpful.

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