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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun. 1, 2002
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    Default Would you ask for an accidentally gifted gift back?

    I got a Christmas card in the mail from my grandfather for $50, which I promptly spent on a new blanket for my horse. I also sent him a Christmas card.

    Then my mother called me and said that he also sent her $25 for me, which was great.

    I didn't know why he sent me money two different ways. My brother has lived at home for 2 years mostly jobless and my grandfather keeps sending my mom money to support him, in addition last year he stole all the Xmas money out of everyone's cards so I thought maybe I got extra money for being the good kid and that's why he didn't get a seperate card. I figured I'd give him a call when I get normal hours at work and thank him and maybe he'd explain it then.

    So my mom calls me and says that she made a mistake and accidentally gave me half of my brother's gift, or maybe my grandfather forgot and gave me too much. Either way, she wants it back because otherwise I'm short changing my brother and he needs it more then I do. She said that if I was a good kid I'd give it back.

    Am I wrong to be a little upset? I'll give the money back either way.



  2. #2
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    Feb. 28, 2006
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    Default

    No you are not wrong to be upset. Gifts need to be made thoughtfully and it's evident this one wasn't.
    Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
    Incredible Invisible


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Apr. 12, 2002
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    Former Long Islander now in the middle of the Great Lakes
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    Default

    Um, it was your grandfathers gift to you, therefore not hers to ask for it back. Unless he calls and said he made a mistake I would not give anything back.


    14 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Jul. 30, 2008
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    Sioux Falls, SD
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    Default

    Is it possible he included more than normal to your brother, therefore your mother assumed 1/2 was for you? For example: he usually sends $25, but included $50 this year, so when she got $50 she assumed she got yours as well. Did you tell her, when she called to say she had your Christmas gift from your grandfather, that you received $50 from him already? I'm guessing that it was less your grandfather's mistake than your mother's, and if you didn't, you should probably have mentioned that you received $50 from him already. Otherwise, if he sent $50 for you, $50 for your brother, and your mother split your brother's, you got $75 and your brother got $25 ... and no, that's not fair.

    All else aside, you need to get over the "good kid" thing, like, yesterday. It's a Christmas gift from your grandfather, not a reward or punishment for behavior as if it came from Santa. Your brother's living at home, etc., really has little to do with you, unless it affects you in some way like you are having to pay his bills, whatever. Be grateful that you have your life in order enough to be independent, and don't need help.
    If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
    ~ Maya Angelou


    4 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar. 6, 2002
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    Oregon
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by enjoytheride View Post
    Either way, she wants it back because otherwise I'm short changing my brother and he needs it more then I do. She said that if I was a good kid I'd give it back.
    How old are you? The above bold (mine) statement is the kind of guilt trip you give a 12 year old. I'd have laughed at her.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    8 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2008
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    Central Oklahoma
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heinz 57 View Post
    How old are you? The above bold (mine) statement is the kind of guilt trip you give a 12 year old. I'd have laughed at her.
    ^^^ This. "If you were a good kid?" I would tell her that I happen to like to be a bad kid, just to tick her off. If she did not make that comment, I would probably give them to the stinky brother as a one-time charity donation and promptly keep a very, very, verrrryyy long distance from them from now on, just because it is not worth the headache, but with that comment? Ha! Some family members are so toxic.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2006
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    Fort Worth, Texas
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by enjoytheride View Post
    My brother last year he stole all the Xmas money out of everyone's cards

    So my mom calls me and says that she made a mistake and accidentally gave me half of my brother's gift,

    Either way, she wants it back because otherwise I'm short changing my brother .
    I have learning disablities but I think I am reading payback is a female dog


    6 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan. 3, 2003
    Location
    St. Louis, MO USA
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    No. Don't give it back. I would suggest to her that she stop enabling brother rather than trying to guilt you into something that is really none of her business.
    My new mantra - \"Life is too short not to eat ice cream.\"
    ReRiders Clique


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb. 2, 2003
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    Iowa, USA
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    Default

    Good lord it's $25-- would someone really harass their grandfather to admit he made an embarrassing mistake before you'll agree to return the money? Also quite possible your mom is the one who made the mistake-- she just assumed it was supposed to be split, but then realized you had gotten yours separately.

    I have no doubt it's really frustrating for you, to have this troubled brother. But it's mean-spirited to assume that the gift is a message from your grandfather that you're the good kid and he's the bad kid. Given the help your grandfather has already extended to him, is it really likely that he'd try to send some big message for $25? Or, heck, let's say that's really what G'dad meant to do--he really meant to say that your good behavior merits seven pennies extra per day annually. Following that logic, maybe your mom is just trying to smooth things over because it's not worth the tension and conflict that your grandfather's diss is causing in her house. And maybe this conflict avoidance is a consistent pattern for your mom, and maybe she bears a lot of blame for her son's problems. And maybe you truly don't get enough recognition for being the good kid--happens a lot in families where one child sucks all the energy and attention, and that is really hard on the other kids. All of that is worth confronting and talking about, but not by using a $25 xmas gift as the proxy for that conversation.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 24, 2006
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    After she said that I wouldn't give it back. F that... not only was that really rude and weird, how does she know you don't need it more? One of you has bills to pay like an adult, the other gets to live rent free.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Sep. 5, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by enjoytheride View Post
    I got a Christmas card in the mail from my grandfather for $50, which I promptly spent on a new blanket for my horse. I also sent him a Christmas card.

    Then my mother called me and said that he also sent her $25 for me, which was great.

    I didn't know why he sent me money two different ways. My brother has lived at home for 2 years mostly jobless and my grandfather keeps sending my mom money to support him, in addition last year he stole all the Xmas money out of everyone's cards so I thought maybe I got extra money for being the good kid and that's why he didn't get a seperate card. I figured I'd give him a call when I get normal hours at work and thank him and maybe he'd explain it then.

    So my mom calls me and says that she made a mistake and accidentally gave me half of my brother's gift, or maybe my grandfather forgot and gave me too much. Either way, she wants it back because otherwise I'm short changing my brother and he needs it more then I do. She said that if I was a good kid I'd give it back.

    Am I wrong to be a little upset? I'll give the money back either way.
    Oh for heaven's sake. How old are you? Twelve? As other sane, reasonable, & ADULT posters have stated - your mother didn't realize that your grandfather had gifted you separately. She automatically assumed the $50 she received was to be split between you & your brother. Whether or not you're the "good kid" & brother is the "black sheep" has nothing to do with it.

    Stop being such a friggin baby & return the extra $25 to your brother. Good grief.


    19 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Brother needs it more?
    For WHAT? Not paying rent and groceries?

    I have no idea how your relationship is with your mother. If it is really good, I'd consider giving her the money.
    But seriously...brother owes you from last year, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    Sep. 5, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    Brother needs it more?
    For WHAT? Not paying rent and groceries?

    I have no idea how your relationship is with your mother. If it is really good, I'd consider giving her the money.
    But seriously...brother owes you from last year, right?
    The internal family dynamics have ABSOLUTELYA NOTHING to do with this. The fact is, the grandfather sent $50 to the OP & $50 to her brother. She accidentally ended up with $25 extra of grandfather's gift. The ADULT thing to do is to give the $25 back. Again - this has NOTHING to do with the OP's relationship with her mother or her brother. Returning the $25 is simply the adult thing to do. Holding onto it like a petulant child is also an option, but certainly not one I'd expect an adult to do.

    If she wants to confront brother re: past Xmas-gift thefts, that's a separate situation.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    But seriously...brother owes you from last year, right?
    It's moot since OP already said she'd give it back, and it's not worth getting family drama for the sake of $25. And the "good kid" thing is stupid beyond belief once you're past the tweens.

    But if I really wanted to stick it to bro, that's exactly the route I'd take. "Hey mom, this was just bro paying me back for the $$$ he stole last year, it's all good between us now that his debt is finally paid"


    2 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacardi1 View Post
    The internal family dynamics have ABSOLUTELYA NOTHING to do with this. The fact is, the grandfather sent $50 to the OP & $50 to her brother. She accidentally ended up with $25 extra of grandfather's gift. The ADULT thing to do is to give the $25 back. Again - this has NOTHING to do with the OP's relationship with her mother or her brother. Returning the $25 is simply the adult thing to do. Holding onto it like a petulant child is also an option, but certainly not one I'd expect an adult to do.

    If she wants to confront brother re: past Xmas-gift thefts, that's a separate situation.
    well, I got a little lost there around Albuquerque...
    but yeah, family dynamics do play into it, with bro stealing, mooching of mom, and the OP being a 'good girl'

    I would probably highly apologetic if I had accidentally given the money away, mentioned it, but eaten the loss...especially in light of the other incident.

    but still, you got a grown man living in mom's basement....where the fruitbat does he need the money more than the adult living on her own....
    brother needs it more was what got me....brother needs a whipping....
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun. 1, 2002
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    Indiana
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    I am well into adulthood, and I already said that I'd give the money back.

    Frankly, the only reason I don't want to is the "if you were a good kid" part which makes me want to say if you don't think I'm the good kid already then screw it all.

    There is one heck of a family dynamic. For example, I borrowed money from my parents to purchase a car which was a very good purchase that would be gone quickly after I totalled mine while I was messing with the insurance companies. I was required to give it back pronto (I paid them back in under a week) along with a lecture about having more in savings and getting rid of my horse.

    My parents are going to pay off the money my brother owes to the DMV (as much as the car I bought) so when he gets money to buy a car (after his got repoed) he can get his license back. Then they can stop taking him back and forth to work. They do not expect him to give them any of the money back, along with everything else they've given him.

    I enjoy being independent and I don't ask for money for anything. I have reasoned that it pays exactly nothing to be the "good kid" anyway.If you're responsible you are always expected to be more responsible, but if you're been arrested a few times staying out of jail is good enough.
    Last edited by enjoytheride; Dec. 28, 2012 at 08:54 PM.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
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    Apr. 17, 2002
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    The Mayans were just off a little.

    I agree with Bacardi.

    Send 25 to your brother.

    Call your grandfather and thank him.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Apr. 29, 2006
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    Evansville, Wisconsin
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alagirl View Post
    I would probably highly apologetic if I had accidentally given the money away, mentioned it, but eaten the loss...especially in light of the other incident.
    If I was in the mom's shoes, I probably would have let the daughter keep the money, and forked over the $25 to the son myself, since I was the one who made the mistake.

    And then I'd show him the door. :P
    "In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn’t merely train him to be semi-human. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming part dog."
    -Edward Hoagland


    5 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
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    Nov. 2, 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wayside View Post
    If I was in the mom's shoes, I probably would have let the daughter keep the money, and forked over the $25 to the son myself, since I was the one who made the mistake.

    And then I'd show him the door. :P
    LOL
    he would have had the door shown in past tense....
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
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    Apr. 16, 2002
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    ontario, canada
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    Quote Originally Posted by enjoytheride View Post
    I am well into adulthood, and I already said that I'd give the money back.

    Frankly, the only reason I don't want to is the "if you were a good kid" part which makes me want to say if you don't think I'm the good kid already then screw it all.

    There is one heck of a family dynamic. For example, I borrowed money from my parents to purchase a car which was a very good purchase that would be gone quickly after I totalled mine while I was messing with the insurance companies. I was required to give it back pronto (I paid them back in under a week) along with a lecture about having more in savings and getting rid of my horse.

    My parents are going to pay off the money my brother owes to the DMV (as much as the car I bought) so when he gets money to buy a car (after his got repoed) he can get his license back. Then they can stop taking him back and forth to work. They do not expect him to give them any of the money back, along with everything else they've given him.

    I enjoy being independent and I don't ask for money for anything. I have reasoned that it pays exactly nothing to be the "good kid" anyway.If you're responsible you are always expected to be more responsible, but if you're been arrested a few times staying out of jail is good enough.
    I actually tried to ignore this thread, but found that I couldn't. If you are actually well into adulthood, you should consider acting like it. You may already plan to give the money back, but the fact that your mother had to play the "good kid" card suggests that you handled the situation with a lack of grace and didn't immediately say that you would help her fix the error.

    If you are actually an adult, you need to remember that your parents don't owe you anything and certainly don't have to treat their children equally in all things. If your parents feel that your brother needs some extra help, that is their prerogative and it has nothing to do with you. It sounds like your brother may have some actual issues that he is dealing with (stealing from family is not exactly normal behaviour), and that your parents feel he needs help. You may or may not agree, but holding some sort of grudge is not fair to anyone.



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