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  1. #1
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    Question Dating after Widowhood...is there hope?

    Now, first let me start off by saying I am not at the point of making a match.com profile. Or whatever. My husband died 7 months ago, and right now I am just trying to be a good Mom to my kids, and taking things day by day, as we figure out our new "normal." But....although I loved my husband dearly, and would've always stayed faithfully married to him, he struggled terrible with his addictions, and lived outside our home, for the better part of the last year of his life. SO, I feel like I have been mourning his loss for well over 7 months, and I do hope to one day crack the door of "maybe" open a little bit....

    Which brings me back to my question. I am 36 years old, with two children, and while I sometimes feel like I have more baggage then a Samsonite factory, I also wonder, is there hope in one day finding a mate?

    I have always hated the dating scene. I like being married, and just living a nice comfortable, boring life.

    So, is there hope after being a widow - or divorcee? If so, how did you and your spouse meet?



  2. #2
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    I am not qualified to answer as a widow, or as a divorcee, or even as a single mother, but Freebird, my dear.... there is always hope.
    What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what
    lies with in us. - Emerson


    7 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    ((hugs)) Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

    Sure there's hope! You're not the first to lose a spouse through death or divorce and have kiddos.

    I haven't been on your side of things though, so it's hard for me to give you any first hand experience.

    But as a single, no kids person about your age who married a divorced man with two kids, yes...there are people out there who will love you and your kids and be your partner.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  4. #4
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    I am probably the most unqualified person ever to answer your question. I am not married, and have never suffered a huge loss like you have.

    But, I read your posts pretty regularly. You seem like a nice, caring person. I know many divorcees (both with and without children) who have remarried. Case in point -- my mom and dad. Both divorcees, Dad has kids from his first family, Mom didn't. They met at work.

    One of my favorite people in the world lost his wife a few years ago. Not too long after, he was on an airplane next to a strange woman. They struck up conversation, and have been together ever since.

    There is hope for you. You will find someone, and you will be happy.
    "A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart, and wins with his character." - Tesio



  5. #5
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    I lost my husband of 7 years (together 8) just before my 29th birthday. He had been ill a very long time and I grew to be very independent and capable of taking over everything. I'm now 38 ... and still single. I've dated, lived with two men, and been engaged once in the past 10 years. So yes, there is hope.

    I am, however, single, as I mentioned. I do miss being married, and having my best friend. However ... I have finally decided that I prefer being single. In my situation, however, our marriage was good, and we were very, very compatible, even with an age difference. While I'm aware of the flaws and problems we had like all marriages do, and don't idealize him, I do find that whatever "it" was is that we had is hard to come by. I've also wasted time in bad relationships because of timing - for example the engagement was a relationship that I rushed into a year after my husband's death, and ended solely because I sought therapy. He was a diagnosed narcissist, and I was vulnerable and not in a healthy place to be dating, even though I thought I was. *shrug*

    The closest I've come to finding the ease and "it" was in my last relationship that ended this past April. We were together 3 years, lived together a little over a year. If nothing else, he taught me to truly take men at their word, and not laugh little things off. Our biggest issue was his constant comments that he would only get married again if it was a "trophy wife" ... he wanted a 10 on his arm. He is not a 10 himself, lacks social skills, not charming (honestly has lots of autistic symptoms), but he was intelligent, stable, could be a lot of fun, willing to try things in my life and I in his, etc. I always thought he was just being "male" and kidding about the whole trophy/dream wife thing ... until I found out he got engaged to a mail-order Philippines bride less than 4 months after we broke up ... and on their first in person meeting.

    If you can approach dating as getting to know people, and having fun, and not be looking for a replacement or to get back what you've lost, and it's a high priority for you, then there is always hope. As I said, I'm single... and looks like I will be for quite some time. I have an on-again/off-again man that is getting very frustrated with me because he just turned 40 and has decided that we really should get married ... and I just can't find time for even a date. I know he'd be great, we have a great friendship and attraction, have known each other for 7 years, seen best and worst of each other, etc ... but right now my life is just too busy and I'm too independent to even figure out a relationship.

    I don't know if any of that helps ... and I'm kind of rambling ... but just thought I'd share.
    If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
    ~ Maya Angelou


    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
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    Yes, of course there is hope!

    Mr. PoPo was a widower of 2 years when we met - our mutual friend decided that he was ready to date and set us up without us really knowing it by hosting a party and inviting him and only her girlfriends! We are very happy to be together and have a wonderful life.

    Another couple I know each lost their partners (and they were adults with grown children) and met and fell in love and also have a wonderful life together.

    An old friend of mine lost her husband in a tragic accident about 10 years ago and she got remarried a few years ago. She is happy and quite in love again.

    Love is always available to you and you can be happy again (and maybe happier than before).
    My Mustang Adventures - Mac, my mustang | Annwylid D'Lite - my Cob filly

    "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran



  7. #7
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    Thanks all. Actually, I may not always be happy, but I do have joy. I am fairly satisfied with my life right now, and I love being a Mommy to my children. When I even start to get the "poor Me's" I just think of my sweet SIL, who just got moved to a Hospice, and I remember how blessed I am. I see SOOO many singles out there who NEED to be with a guy to "complete" them, or make them happy, and that is NOT a place I ever want to find myself at.

    I think what scared me a little bit about the current dating scene, was when I signed up on a website for the Widow BB that they have. It is also a way to find a date - I guess?!? - and before I changed my Profile, to weed out the wackos, I was getting some pretty interesting PM's. One guy even had Man Boobs, and pictures of his really ugly tattoos - scary!! Makes me sure appreciate being single though!!

    As soon as the kids go to bed, I can curl up in my bed, and watch old Murder She Wrote - I know, I know, I'm a nerd - reruns, and never have to fight for the remote, or watch Monday Night Football.



  8. #8
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    Yes there is hope, but you do have to be careful. A friend lost her husband in an auto accident, and about 10 years later she married again. She became a stepmom, and was happily married for over 15 years until he died from cancer. Her step kids call her mom, and they come to visit her on vacation, because the grandkids can't wait to see her. Not every relationship works out as well, but my friend was married to two wonderful men, and had a great life with each of them. You do have to be careful, but there are good men out there.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White


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  9. #9
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    Of course!!!

    A friend, and former person I boarded my horses with, suddenly lost her husband to liver cancer, well...I guess its been 2 years now. They were married for the better part of 20 years, had three grown children, grandchildren...once he got the diagnosis he was gone within a month. It was devistating for her and her kids...and for me to watch as I took over the farm work as soon as we found out he was sick.

    Her kids kept telling her to get out and do new things (she was chained to her husbands bedside during his illness)...she took up yoga and met a lovely man and struck up a friendship. Less than a year after her husbands death they had stumbled into a fantastic relationship. They have been together ever sense and he has now moved into her home.

    I do not think they will ever get married, they may...but I think they are both completly happy with where they are now.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by MDMom View Post
    Technically OP, I believe you're a divorcee, not a widow. Did you date before your ex died?
    I didn't see where she posted that they got a divorce, just that he'd moved out due to his addictions. If they were married, she's a widow.
    If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
    ~ Maya Angelou



  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by MDMom View Post
    Technically OP, I believe you're a divorcee, not a widow. Did you date before your ex died?
    That's pretty shitty of you. Why does it matter? And further, if you read along, you'd see that they were not divorced. Just because someone is sick and out of the house doens't mean divorce.

    Her HUSBAND died. Good gravy.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Shes both, divorced from her first husband and widowed from her second.
    Busy Bee Farm, Ellijay, GA
    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
    Green Alligator "Captain"



  13. #13
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    It's irrelevant anyway. Loss is loss. To be frank, I think it might be easier to have a death than a divorce because in a divorce, you keep having to DEAL with that person when you have kids. That complicates the crap out of another relationship.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...



  14. #14
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    Yes, both, like Relo stated. Sheesh
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.



  15. #15
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    read the King's Ransom chronicles!
    While I think she herself was not widowed, Mr KR was.

    You are young, child () life has just begun for you.

    Now, I can't promise you you will find the next big love, but yes, you are alive and breathing, there is hope!

    Once you find your footing, who knows were life will take you!

    (personally, after 20 years of wedded bliss, I think I would stick with the cat/dog being the only man in the house and not miss it)
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  16. #16
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    Sorry - I forgot that if I don't post every single detail, it will bring on the wrath of the COTH Fact Police! I would scan my Marriage licences, Divorce decree, and death cert, but....I have NO idea how any of that is at all relevant to this thread.......So, for those, who seem confused...

    So, [generally speaking] is there hope after being a widow - or divorcee? [or both of course!] If so, how did you and your spouse meet? [after said divorce, death, kidnapping, whatever]


    I DO hope that cleared things up a bit!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    Sorry - I forgot that if I don't post every single detail, it will bring on the wrath of the COTH Fact Police! I would scan my Marriage licences, Divorce decree, and death cert, but....I have NO idea how any of that is at all relevant to this thread.......So, for those, who seem confused...

    So, [generally speaking] is there hope after being a widow - or divorcee? [or both of course!] If so, how did you and your spouse meet? [after said divorce, death, kidnapping, whatever]


    I DO hope that cleared things up a bit!
    DO NOT explain yourself to someone so petty they had a to dig up your life history! I am so sorry about what you are going through and I do think, in time, you will find someone wonderful!!



  18. #18
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    Freebird is one of my dearest friends. I KNOW that, when she's ready, there will be someone for her again.

    I walked the post-divorce journey with her, and remember Kat, I told you then that the Lord would prepare you the right man at the right time.

    He'll do it again. XXOO
    <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.



  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freebird! View Post
    Sorry - I forgot that if I don't post every single detail, it will bring on the wrath of the COTH Fact Police! I would scan my Marriage licences, Divorce decree, and death cert, but....I have NO idea how any of that is at all relevant to this thread.......So, for those, who seem confused...

    So, [generally speaking] is there hope after being a widow - or divorcee? [or both of course!] If so, how did you and your spouse meet? [after said divorce, death, kidnapping, whatever]


    I DO hope that cleared things up a bit!
    I would hope that you would get a kidnapped spouse back....

    many hugs.
    (I missed the divorce part, but not the loss of the second husband)

    divorce is a huge loss, too. Maybe worse than widowhood? I don't know.

    But I am standing by my story: You are young still and much life is still ahead of you. And once you get going again, there is no telling what else will be in store for you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  20. #20
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    LOL, yes, Alagitrl, If I ever had a spouse who got kidnapped, I think I would wait,. I was mainly being sarcastic because it cracked me up that someone would go hunting through old posts of mine.

    As for which is the worse of the two...honestly I think they are beyond compare. Both suck terribly, and both come with their own unique Crap Fest. There really is no finality for either one, unless I guess you get a divorce with no kids involved.



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