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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    9,143

    Default Stereotypical "guy thing" or just him?

    My roommate is seriously pissing me off. I don't know how much is a "guy thing" and how much is him.

    He always says "just let me know if there's something you want/need me to do". That's great! But in a conversation about 6 weeks ago, I told him that it was great but there were certain things I shouldn't have to ask him to do (ie: if the trash is so full you feel the need to put your used McD cup on the counter and leave it there... take the frakkin' trash out!). He has NEVER taken the trash cans to the curb or brought them in (even when I get home at 8pm after riding at the other barn the cans are still out at the curb). He's never brought in the mail. He's never done anything, to be honest, without me asking.

    Yes, there are some things I won't ask him to do. ie: vacuum. Let's face it... between me and my newfy, 90% of the floor mess is on me. I've asked him to empty the dishwasher a couple times. We agreed that me leaving notes on the frig is best. But several times I've done that and he's "not seen" the notes. Yesterday was one of those. He has been off work since December 20th. I can't say he's done a single thing aroudn the house. So when I went back to work after a long weekend (plus a snow day), I left a note to please (yes, I used the word please) empty the dishwasher and take out the trash. When I got home, he wasn't home. I know it was snarky and adolescent but I texted him (to finish a previous conversation) to "have fun. And don't worry about the dishwasher or trash I asked you to do... I'll do it" His response was that he didn't see the note... got up, showered and left. I so wanted to point out that he had time to read/update FB though (which he did). GRRRR.

    Wednesday after finishing a movie I offered to let him have some of the breakfast casserole I was making. He thanked me but wanted to make some scrambled eggs anyway since he knew the casserole would take almost an hour. No worries. He had to get into the dishwasher to get a pan, fork AND spatula to cook his eggs so he knew the dishwasher had clean dishes in it! Where did his pan end up? In the sink. Where did his plate and fork end up? Upstairs on the couch in the room with his tv.

    Did I mention he's also behind in his rent? Did I mention that I don't charge him as much as I wanted to since he is supposed to be helping me? Which, I'll admit, he has fed the animals a few times when I've gone out of town since he's moved in. The last time he said he'd do it all weekend, but when I checked with him at 3pm the day I was trying to leave he had already left the house and wasn't going to be back til after midnight. I had to scramble to find someone else to feed that evening.

    Overall, he's a good guy. I still believe that. Being behind in the rent (when it's not as much as I had initially wanted but instead an amount he said he could "for sure" afford - with the possibility of more if some new job had happened) I think makes some of the other stuff worse in my head. And as I told him, always having to ASK him to do something makes me feel like his keeper... which I'm most definitely not.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I would have vented at him last night if he had been home.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul. 24, 2008
    Posts
    3,055

    Default

    I think it's just a "roommate" thing.

    My husband is quick to help with stuff around the house, but he is well rewarded
    Jigga:
    Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    It's a bit of both. We're not taught to clean up after ourselves or to care about such things though that's really applicable to both genders these days if you look at younger people on a generational scale.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct. 1, 2004
    Location
    Magnolia, TX
    Posts
    5,512

    Default

    Sounds almost like married life.

    My husband is pretty good about helping with chores, especially if asked, but it's a guy thing to be somewhat oblivious while house work is done by others. It's not a guy thing to slack on rent and act like a lazy teenager. That's just your roommate taking advantage of you.
    Jer 29: 11-13


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
    Location
    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
    Posts
    9,143

    Default

    A couple months ago I had a friend over to help clean up. I will admit that I get behind... too much to do and housecleaning can end up slacking. She wanted to help for $$ so I let her. She was great and between the 2 of us, not only did we get a lot accomplished but I got some bulk cooking done at the same time. Him? He stayed upstairs in his tv room and told me later he didn't come to help because he figured friend was getting paid so she might as well earn it. :shock: GRRR Like I said, I know the majority of the mess outside his bedroom and the extra room he has his tv in is on me as it's either me or the dog. But really? You're getting a break on rent (by $100 PLUS part of the utilities) and you can't even help when help is there??

    XH was never fantastic at helping to clean up... and was quite messy when it came to his clothes. But he DID help... which is currently more than I can say about roomie
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun. 18, 2011
    Posts
    1,324

    Default

    Since he's got time for FB even when he's too busy to check the fridge for notes perhaps you could start posting the to-do list on his wall?

    In all seriousness it sounds like it's time to sit him down for a little talk. You're not his mommy, time for him to put on his big boy pants and start pulling his weight around there. And paying his rent on time. Unless of course that rent he's behind on is supposed to include you as a part time nanny/maid.


    12 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    9,143

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Aggie4Bar View Post
    Sounds almost like married life.
    But as I've told other friends when I've vented.... I dont like/love him enough to be his mom, girlfriend, lover or wife... and he sure as hell isn't paying enough for me to be his maid.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep. 16, 1999
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    Ohio: Charter Member - COTH Hockey Clique & COTH Buffy Clique
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by GaitedGloryRider View Post
    Since he's got time for FB even when he's too busy to check the fridge for notes perhaps you could start posting the to-do list on his wall?
    Oh that's good! Maybe I'll suggest that to him.
    ************
    "Of course it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. It's the Hard that makes it great."

    "Get up... Get out... Get Drunk. Repeat as needed." -- Spike



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
    Location
    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
    Posts
    11,125

    Default

    A little ego bruising never hurts.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun. 15, 2010
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    2,461

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    I don't think that is a stereotypical "guy" thing. More of a stereotypical lazy thing. I have several guy friends who live with 2-6 guys in apartments or small houses and the houses are clean, floors swept, trash taken out, and dishes done. Of course they might get behind on a thing or two but everyone pitches in. Your roommate sounds like the type that would live in absolute filth if someone else wasn't cleaning up behind him. Trash on the counters and silverware left on furniture? Bleh.

    I am sure he isn't a bad person and probably isn't being intentionally lazy. Maintaining a clean house just isn't a priority to him. I think it would be easier to find an alternative roommate who prioritizes cleaning rather than try to change this guys perspective. The most likely scenario is that he gets annoyed and feels like you are being bossy or parent-like. Of course you wouldn't need to step in if he was responsible, but he probably won't see it that way.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2009
    Location
    CA to Costa Rica to WI
    Posts
    849

    Default

    Can you get him on a schedule? If the trash takes 3 days to fill up and you run the dishwasher twice a week, then on Mondays and Thursdays he is responsible for emptying the dishwasher and taking out the trash. If it can't wait until Monday or Thursday, you take care of it yourself without bothering him. Then every weekend you'll leave him one extra thing to do. You'll leave a note on the fridge by Friday morning about what that will be.

    I know this doesn't sound easy or pleasant and still puts the responsibility on you, but getting him on a schedule might help a lot. That way he can't say he "didn't see it" because if it is that day of the week, it's his responsibility to be LOOKING for it.

    The back rent is a different issue. If you don't already, get it in writing when he will pay his back-rent by and what will happen if he doesn't pay by then.
    Proud member of the "I'm In My 20's and Hope to Be a Good Rider Someday" clique

    Fourteen Months Living and Working in Costa Rica


    3 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov. 13, 2006
    Location
    deep in the CT wilds near...the 200yr flood zone
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    694

    Default

    Sounds like you want him to be thoughtful and he's made it clear he's more comfortable with you instructing him. That way he's 'safe'. Your house, your rules, etc. Not that he can't be thoughtful, if given a chance. So talk to him about stepping out of the box when it comes to household chores. If he's clueless, the stepping out of the box talk might turn on the lightbulb. If he persists in his thoughtless behavior after you've made it clear what you expect him to do, then you know it's him.

    ETA: And after reading the other posts before I replied, I'd say, talk soon and keep an eye out for another roommate. There's a lot of factors here that indicate he's using the situation to his advantage.

    I always wonder about how the thoughtful skill set is developed. Take the military for example. How do they get a bunch of disparate 18 year old guys to understand what's expected of them in regards to appearance, cleanliness and tasks? Is it the black and white instructions? Promise and then fulfillment of punishment when met with failure? Does a drill Sergeant doling out come to Jesus moments shock them out of thinking being lazy is okay? Or is it they understand they're reaping what they sowed?
    Last edited by OnThinIce; Dec. 28, 2012 at 10:42 AM.
    This it be all wot we want in life, wenn peoples dey loff us. ~ Willem



  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep. 8, 2004
    Posts
    146

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    Quote Originally Posted by tle View Post
    But as I've told other friends when I've vented.... I dont like/love him enough to be his mom, girlfriend, lover or wife... and he sure as hell isn't paying enough for me to be his maid.
    Your post sounds a lot like my husband and if I didn't love him dearly, there is no way I would be trying to deal with the behavior. It's still a work in progress. In your case, it definitely sounds like he is taking advantage of you. When I was still living at home with my dad and brother, my brother would leave a mess around because he knew either my dad or myself would clean it up (he even admitted this!). Your roomie knows you will eventually clean up after him, so he doesn't bother. I think it's time to have a serious talk with him and tell him to clean up his act or you will find a new roomie.



  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
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    11,372

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    I'd give him 2 options.

    1) Increase his rent by the cost of having someone come in weekly to clean. For a 3bdrm, 3 bath house, it cost me 85 dollars. They vacuum, dust, and take out the trash. It would make you feel less behind. You keep doing the dishes and touch up the floors as needed for dog hair and such.

    2) He can start doing chores. And I'd make it really simple. This is what I did with my stepdaughters. On one side of the index card was a chore. Like "clean blue bathroom". Below that was how many times a week it needed to be done and how long it *should* take so they could plan it into their day. On the other side was a checklist of what constituted "cleaning" to ME. My house, my standards. I was specific. Use windex on mirror. Use purple stuff on counter, wipe down. Use purple stuff on bathtub and shower. Use toilet bowl cleaner, blah blah. Empty garbage in outside trash. Swap out hand towels.

    The first time, I did the job with them. Then they were on their own and Dad or I would check their work.

    He said you just need to ask? Well, you can't be there 24/7, so give him cards.

    Or he can pay for the cleaners to come. Either way though, rent needs to be on time. Nice guy or not, he's taking advantage of you. And if he really IS a nice guy, this is the kind of training that will make him more marketable. I find my husband VERY sexy when he's got a vacuum cleaner in his hands or I come home to the laundry all done and put away!
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
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    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    6,756

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    You are acting as his housekeeper. Increase his rent accordingly.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Apr. 29, 2006
    Posts
    3,392

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    Blink. Blink. You are living with my 16 year old son???

    I mainly find success using the nagging feature in my home. However, I do understand others have had better success with job charts on a white board. Write down your household responsibilities and his - tick them off as they are done for that day/week. Honestly, if you cover one of his jobs, he should be covering one of yours.

    It's a pain living with my 16 year and I love him dearly. I cannot imagine putting up with this in a roommate. And - yes - I AM trying to train him so he won't be a pita to any future roommates or mates down the road.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Jul. 13, 2011
    Location
    East Longmeadow, MA
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    3,317

    Default

    It's not a "guy thing." He is a lazy mooch. Stop enabling him. Above suggestions are great.

    My husband is a real "man's man" and he most definitely carries at least his 50% share around the house - inside and out. He cooks. he does dishes. he does laundry. He tidies up. He vacuums. He has even polished silver. And I don't have to ask him to do any of this. He sees what needs doing, and he does it.
    What's wrong with you?? Your cheese done slid off its cracker?!?!


    7 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Aug. 28, 2007
    Location
    Triangle Area, NC
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    6,709

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    He sounds like one of those lazy slobs that sits around in a holey vintage star wars shirt from Comicon 1986, with crooked glasses and greasy hair, complete with beer gut from sitting on his arse playing too much World of Warcraft.

    It sounds like you are living in my idea of hell. What a disgusting inconsiderate pig! I wouldn't even bother trying to change his actions, I'd kick him out. His behavior isn't acceptable for a 14 year old boy
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Aug. 25, 2007
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    8,677

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    As a general rule guys like lists. So, make a list of tasks, who does them, and when they are to be done. A "penalty jar" (a buck into the jar if the task is not done on time or if they have to be told to do it) can be a "motivator." The jar money goes to some mutually agreed charity from time to time.

    Agreed "divisions of labor" are a Good Thing in both marriages and among room-mates!

    G.
    Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Aug. 2, 2004
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    Whidbey Is, Wash.
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    9,721

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    I'm going to try the list idea for when our house goes on the market .

    DH is... ok, he's a slob. When we were dating and living separately, I wound up cleaning both houses. I finally stopped cleaning his house and ohhhhhhhhh my gawd. He stepped over a clump of calf shit that had fallen off his boot in the KITCHEN for three days before I lost my mind. I asked him if he noticed that I didn't brush my teeth in the bathroom, which he said he didn't, and I told it was because his bathroom counter was going to make me vomit. He had dishes "soaking" in this filthy, cold, soapy/greasy quagmire in the sink for daaaaaaaaaaays. BARF!! He didn't change his sheets for so long that I don't want to admit it, but let's just say that it was a long time.

    But his redeeming qualities make up for it, and now that we are living together, I only have to fuss (remind/scold) a little bit and he steps up. Most guys just don't get it. My dad, who is clean, says guys just don't see the dirt we see, but he knows he has to sweep or whatever on a regular basis and does it. My DH does not...

    But a list...hmmm.
    Aisha, my heart from 03/06/1986 to 08/22/2008.

    COTH's official mini-donk enabler.
    Odie, aka the Evil Burrito, is on Facebook.



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