Never forget how PLAY! Very important. There are times when yoi are so bogged down with work, kids, financial problems, and life just gets sooo serious,that it just becomes drudgery. That's when you meed to unleash that silly teenager. Go parking or skinny dippong or some other crazy thing you usdd to do.
We are still amazed and, honestly, baffled, when we count the number of years we have been married, and have been together: twelve years and fourteen respectively. I myself would love to know what possess us to stick with the same old person for so long, - he would love to too lol. Ummm maybe because for some bizarre and strange reason he thinks I'm amusing and funny, and cough, demanding; even though I, I swear to god, am a very serious person, find every chance under the sun, either through pure luck or sheer forceful manufacturing, to tease him, and shamelessly and untiringly demand him to tell me how pretty I am .
We've been married 22 years, have 2 kids. We've known each other since junior high! But weren't dating until we were in our 20ies, and so far, so good
I agree 100% with what Littleum said. It pretty much describes our relationship.
We may have had a big advantage in that we knew each other so well before actually hooking up...but it still amazes me that my husband has put up with me for so long, and when I tell him he says the same about me! I think I am very lucky to have such a great guy.
You have to be committed to staying together, because there will definitely be challenges. Be honest, but not confrontational, and as many have said, let the small stuff go. Don't let too much time pass without showing appreciation--there is always something to appreciate. Most important, since happiness comes from within, don't always look to your spouse to make you happy. That's YOUR job! Married 25 yrs this June.
I let my SO of 16 (17?) years play with all the boy toys around here. By that I mean the tractor, the chain saws, the mule, etc. Plus, he likes feeling all manly when he starts lifting and moving heavy stuff.
I heard this once and feel like it couldn't be more true:
"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."
littleum: 4) If it is important to him, it is important to me. If it is important to me, it is important to him.
Yes, yes, yes.
I can't say that I'm a pro at relationships but there is some awesome advice here.
Honesty is really important. Even if you're going to say something that he/she isn't going to be happy to hear, it should be said, albiet in the nicest way possible, lol. Also, it should be said as it occurs or within a reasonable time frame. Don't be in a bad mood and bring up that thing from last week, there's just no point. If you didn't bring it up then, it wasn't that important.
Also, I love this quote:
"Too many f*ing disappointments are usually a sign of too many f*ing expectations."
When I was a teenager, I lived with my two best friends. I learned that you can love and hate the same person, at the same time, and it can all still work out.
I've been married for almost 24 of my 44 years. Be thrilled that your spouse has something they absolutely love to do, even if it doesn't involve you. Do those things that thrill you, even if it doesn't involve him. Be tolerant. Make sex a priority. Love your kids relentlessly, but don't put them above your spouse all the time. (and the same goes for your family of origin/best friend/even your horse!) Remember that there is nobody in this world who will make you happy every day, and that's okay.
We have been together a little over 10 years, so not decades yet. But in our 10 years (8 married) we have gone through some big stuff - deployment, 3 'cross country' moves, major illnesses/surgery, etc.
I don't know if my ideas work for everyone, but here are a few that I don't think have been mentioned yet:
- Relationships don't happen by accident. We have an awesome relationship, and we take good care of it. We read/discuss books and articles on marriage, go to marriage retreats, and discuss little problems before they become big ones. Relationship maintenance is just as important in our day to day life as home or car maintenance!
- We're a team. I've got his back, even when I might not completely agree with him; he has mine. We have discussions and we may disagree, but outside of this house (to our friends, family, coworkers, etc) we are a united front. I believe in him and support him; even though he might not be perfect, I talk about him like he is. Everybody needs a #1 fan.
- Sometimes being a team means doing something you don't like. It was my husband's greatest wish that I learn to scuba dive so I could dive with him. I couldn't swim, have an irrational fear of sharks in all large bodies of water, and look ridiculous in a wetsuit. I managed to get my open water diver card anyway. Despite the fact that I would NEVER have pursued diving on my own - I am glad I learned and it's something we can share now. (In return - he has spent many hours grooming at shows or videoing lessons... even though there are many, many things he'd rather do with his Saturday!)
- Once you get through a year apart with your spouse in a war zone, you start to realize that any day you're together, and no one is trying to kill you, is a pretty good day. Kind of puts things in perspective. I might not be thrilled to spend a weekend morning riding around town, doing mundane errands or chores together... but now I know what it's like to do all of that without him, and life is definitely better "with". I try to keep that in mind whenever I'm annoyed by a little quirk or disagreement. I had the opportunity to try life without him, and had to face the reality that I might have to live that way forever (if he hadn't come home) and... yeah. Perspective. A bad day together is infinitely preferable to any day apart.
I've been married to my husband for 25 years, we've been together for 30. I can't tell you how many times people have told me that they "admire" what we have because after all these years we still like each other and enjoy being together. While that makes me happy in a small way, it makes me sad in a larger way. That so many people think what we have is unusual, when that's the way it should be for everyone. If you're not happy, then it's more of a life sentence.
What works for us.
MUTUAL RESPECT...& COMMUNICATION - ALWAYS. Even if you're so angry you could kill him, never say anything hurtful or disrespectful. Speak your mind, talk about problems.....but only about the issues, never make it personal.
ACCEPTANCE - He does things that drive me crazy sometimes, as do I. But we recognize that we're individuals as well as a couple and we let the small things go. I don't need to control him, and he doesn't need to control me. He is not a fan of the horses, really not...but he loves me, so he accepts them. I am not a fan of his 5 day a week hockey addiction, plus tournaments , but it makes him happy & healthy, so I accept it.
COMPROMISE - No one is always right, no one always wins...do what's best for the marriage, many times you have to give in with no grudges.
HONESTY- Keep no secrets from each other, other than the type that will cause more harm in the telling..such as "Honey, you've really put on a lot of weight" lol
FIDELITY - No explanation needed here.
What I think is most important is to recognize that every marriage has peaks and valleys, great days and awful days, days where you worship the ground they walk on, and days where you could quite happily kill them and hide the body. You need to persevere and work at it... everything great in life requires effort, why do people expect marriage to be different? It's all part of the journey, the hard times make you stronger, and deepen your commitment to each other..
"You can't blame other people. You can't always say what happened wasn't my fault. And you know what, even if you have an excuse, shut up."
Bruce Davidson, Sr.