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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2001
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    USA, formerly Canada!
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    688

    Default What are your long lasting relationship secrets?

    My parents have been married for 35 years this year. When I asked them what their secret was, they both just laughed and then continued on bickering. Typical!

    As a young woman with a great SO (albeit stubborn and moody), please impart some of your wisdom on me! SO and I fight a few times a month, mostly about the same BS. How have you been able to withstand life's challenges with your SO for decades?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2010
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    yonder a bit, GA
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    Default

    Lol to the moody comment, i understand that! I just don't give anything permission to bother me for more than a few minutes... and if it does, you can bet ill mention it straightforward and calmly and specifically (ie, "it bothers me that you sound really irritable when I was only trying to help" instead of what I may be thinking, which is usually sarcastic and bitchy!!) I also say something positive almost immediately after he says something grumpy. Or just shrug it off and laugh. We have one dog who is notoriously grumbly and grinchy and have created a voice to go with grumpy dog. Speaking in that tone (and we do it to each other) kinda brings to light how ridiculous the other person sounds lol!


    Other things... hold hands, remain affectionate, and don't confuse stress of your own with frustration towards the other person. Laugh together, do special things (date nights, random kind things like picking up errands or a favorite dessert/movie...). Be respectful towards each other, even- especially!- when arguing.
    There was an article i read online about this thing, some of what I mentioned were on there. I'll try to find it.
    (A decidedly unhorsey) MrB knocks over a feed bucket at the tack shop and mutters, "Oh crap. I failed the stadium jumping phase."
    (he does listen!)


    5 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2010
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    yonder a bit, GA
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    3,303

    Default

    (A decidedly unhorsey) MrB knocks over a feed bucket at the tack shop and mutters, "Oh crap. I failed the stadium jumping phase."
    (he does listen!)


    1 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    40,104

    Default

    One way to get along is to have two people that don't have to be dominant, each one understands give and take, we do this now you want, next time the other wants something, that is what we do.

    Some call it picking your battles and I say yes, not making a big issue of little things.

    Respecting each other, all the time and when having a bad, grumpy moment, learn to accept when the other tells you and lighten up.

    Good advice from a friend when I was very young, life with others is about others and if both really care for the other, well, make it plain and stick with it, don't let other interfere.

    I can say that, for the 4 1/2 years my BF and I were together, we never ever had any words, much less fights, or hurt each other's feelings.
    That we were two against the world helps.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug. 17, 2012
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    1,150

    Default

    I've been with my husband for only 7 years but I can't remember the last time we had a real fight. We've "had words" occasionally but sorted it out quickly.

    Along with the other things I think it's important to be honest. Not just in not lying but in not lying by omission. Don't say it's okay if it's not. Ask for a few minutes or a hug if you need it. That sort of thing.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May. 5, 2006
    Posts
    2,792

    Default

    Neither men nor women are mind readers. If you have something to say, say it out loud and say it as clearly as possible. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
    Sheilah


    2 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2005
    Location
    Va
    Posts
    2,846

    Default

    Honesty respect and humor. When /if you quarrel,do not personally attack or call each other names. Make sure you are only addressing the action or event that y.ou are a ngry about. Agree to disagree when necessary. Do not say something in anger that you can't take back. Laugh OFTEN!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul. 5, 2007
    Location
    Beside Myself ~ Western NY
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    6,337

    Default

    You just have to ignore some stuff.

    And like with horse training: The fights you avoid are more important than the fights you win.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2001
    Location
    USA, formerly Canada!
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    688

    Default

    I agree about picking your battles! Maybe I am just nuts, but sometimes that is very hard to do!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr. 21, 2008
    Location
    Somewhere in Texas YEEHAW!
    Posts
    850

    Default

    I don't think there is any one secret but to me, just being compassionate and having empathy is so huge. Don't expect the other person to read your mind. Understand where they are coming from and put yourself in their shoes. I've found myself doing this a lot as I learn to cohabitate and it puts things into perspective. Most of the time I am the one who ends up apologizing lol for being grumpy lol. Admit when you are wrong.

    We also have a way of "arguing" or blowing off steam at each other where we are kind of joking but kind of not. It allows us to say what we are feeling and make a point without coming off so angry and making the other person feel defensive.
    OTTB CONNECT
    FB group for all things related to non racing Thoroughbreds.. Click here to join ~~~> OTTB CONNECT



  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan. 3, 2003
    Location
    St. Louis, MO USA
    Posts
    951

    Default

    Mr. Hasahorse and I were at his company holiday party before Christmas, and the wife of one of his coworkers asked me how we were able to keep our marriage going after 17 years (we have been together for 21 years total) when she had other friends who couldn't even stay married 2 years. I don't know that there is a secret to it. I think more than anything, we like each other. It's not just about loving each other and caring for the other person. At the end of the day, I would rather spend it with him than with anyone else. I think you have to go into marriage with the mindset that this really is for better or worse. Things have not always been great, but we are both in the relationship for the long haul.
    My new mantra - \"Life is too short not to eat ice cream.\"
    ReRiders Clique


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2011
    Posts
    520

    Default

    The first 15 minutes set the tone for the rest of the evening/whatever. When you see eachother after work or any other time apart take 15 to talk/laugh/touch. If you spend the first 15 minutes complaining/ignoring/whatever that's how it will stay. 19 years and counting...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 30, 2000
    Location
    Kentucky
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    7,459

    Default

    Marry your best friend. Then don't sweat the small stuff.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2010
    Location
    PA
    Posts
    833

    Default

    Vodka


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
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    40,104

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LaurieB View Post
    Marry your best friend. Then don't sweat the small stuff.
    That, in a nutshell.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Feb. 27, 2004
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    It helps to both want,the same kind of life and to have a similar value system. Anyone can get along when things are great and they feel great, if you still want to be around them on the bad days that is a plus. Probably the most important is you both want to stay married,not quit or give up.



  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    1. Always make time for one another.

    2. Do stuff together. The couple that shares activities and interests is stronger than those who don't.

    3. Talk all the time. Communication is essential.

    4. Be willing to compromise. If you aren't willing, you aren't winning in the end.

    5. Figure out what is important early on. If you don't know what is important to you to have in your relationship or you are not talking about it, you need to figure things out. Only when you're on the same page are you going to move forward together.

    6. Establish rituals like date night or movie night or make a dinner together night or whatever.

    7. Make your rules for living together early-on. If you're on the same page with stuff, it's a lot easier to live together.

    8. Don't get a pet until you've been together for a while. If just one person wants a pet, don't get a pet at all. Pets deserve better than that and they can also cause your relationship to fracture.

    9. Do stuff for one another. Being in a relationship means caring for one another and helping each other to get through the days.

    10. Set aside some time for yourself. If you can't have your alone time, you're gonna go crazy.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
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    Jan. 4, 2007
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    TX
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    Default

    I was thinking, there is no secret.
    I have seen just as many marriages that seem dysfunctional from the outside, people fighting and demeaning each other, in public even.
    You wonder how they ever live under the same roof.
    They are together a life time and happy about it.
    I have seen those that are lovely toward's each other a whole lifetime and anything in-between.

    Find whatever works for both of you, whatever that may be.



  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan. 27, 2008
    Posts
    285

    Default

    Making the conscious decision to stay together and work towards each other, not away from each other.

    We always say "love is not enough to keep a marriage together" it's the beginning, it's mandatory, but it's not enough to fix everything. Keeping it together and more importantly, improving it each year takes commitment and a desire to be together.

    There's no such thing as "winning" an argument or a discussion with your spouse/SO. If you are trying to win, you aren't listening to the other person, and if you "win" in that way, you've probably done so at the expense of your partners hurt feelings (at the very least) and that isn't worth it.

    Be kind to each other.

    Be honest, no matter what...I know many other horse women who hide expenses and horse activities from their husbands...I can't even fathom doing that, even though sometimes he isn't thrilled with the expense. I see it as accountability to myself as well, if I can't justify (explain reasonably) the expense to him, can I really justify it to myself?

    We both tell each other if we are going to spend over about $200 on anything. We have a solid monthly budget and stick to it, talk about money management and planning openly. We don't ask permission to buy things per se, but more discuss it ahead of time.

    Divide up chores and responsibilities based on each others strengths and desires as much as possible. Do the rest of them together or on a rotating basis.

    Have the same destination in life, even if your routes are different As in, if your dream is to live on a big farm and have horses and dogs and cats and chickens and his dream is to live in a gorgeous apartment in Manhattan...that will eventually cause conflicts that will be difficult to overcome! If you believe in raising your children with discipline and boundaries and he believes in indulging their every whim, that will become a huge problem...

    When things become so frustrating or difficult that you are constantly irritated or worse with each other, really analyze what is making you so mad and decide if it's a deal breaker...if it isn't, then LET IT GO! For example, my husband is a TERRIBLE communicator, he made a huge effort when we were dating long distance for 2 years to talk on the phone because it was all we had. We got married and moved in together and the talking flipped off like a switch. I was not happy, but when we're together it's not an issue. But we both travel a LOT for work, so I spent the first 4 years of our marriage being annoyed/pissed off about his poor phone skills. Then I read a book that talked about some of this stuff and realized that I wasn't with him for his ability to talk on the phone and he was unlikely to change his behavior, and I WASN'T going to leave him over it! So I quit being upset by it (which decreased my stress levels a lot!) He still can't talk on the phone...but I no longer care

    Truly wanting the other person to be happy and them wanting that for you as well. Often people try to control their partner either overtly or through kindness, both ways can be manipulative, you have to get to a point where you don't care what they do as long as it's making them happy and not destructive to themselves or others. Worrying about so many little things will pick a relationship apart. Trying to get your partner to do what you want will create resentment on both sides. Only draw a line on something that is literally a deal breaker, ignore the stuff you can and calmly express your issues with the stuff in between. But, if it isn't really a deal breaker (he chews with his mouth open or something!) then express your displeasure and LET IT GO!

    None of it is rocket science, but it isn't easy to do every day. We've been married for 7 years, together a total of 11, plus an additional 3 in the middle where we didn't speak to each other at all I often say he is my best and my worst relationship It has been getting steadily better every year, but not always a walk in the park. We are both SUPER Type A personalities, used to being in charge, highly competent at our jobs, etc. Sometimes that mix can cause a lot of conflict because neither of us is used to being #2 in any situation. So we kind of trade of situations that we are in charge of He does finances, I do house planning/organization, etc.
    TPR!
    Thoroughbred Placement Resources, Inc
    www.goodhorse.org


    1 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
    Posts
    1,719

    Default

    1) Love does not keep score (number one most important rule)

    2) Do not banish anyone to the couch.

    3) Pick your battles

    4) If it is important t o him, it is important to me. If it is important to me, it is important to him

    5) If you can't talk about it how the heck do you expect to deal with it?

    6) Value each other

    7) Bickering and squabbling can be fun. Actual fighting is not.

    8) You don't have to be together every second of the day. You can be in seperate rooms and still feel the other person's presence

    9) Respect the other person's intelligence and opinions

    10) Never ask your partner to give up something (or deny them something) that is very important to them just because you think it's stupid/dangerous/don't like it/keeps them out all night/whatever. You should never take anything from your partner that they truly love.

    11) Don't be lazy. Love is work.

    12) Good love is like a beautiful aged wine. It's not as sparkling and exciting as redbull and vodka. It is beautiful, full, wonderful, subtle, sophisticated and must be savored slowly to appreciate.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    4 members found this post helpful.

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