The Chronicle of the Horse
MagazineNewsHorse SportsHorse CareCOTH StoreVoicesThe Chronicle UntackedDirectoriesMarketplaceDates & Results
 
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 21 to 40 of 51
  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    Wow. The subconscious truly works in mysterious ways. Just realized I gave him a doormat for X-Mas.

    Do you really think it would make any positive difference to his future relationships to share this info with him? Honestly, I think he thinks he is contributing TONS to a relationship, given what he perceives as his financial lot in life, being self employed and a struggling business owner.

    We're just different. I remember being out looking for a new car. Mine is 15 years old and on it's last legs and he wanted something new because he needed a new look. I was looking for something that would go from A to B that I could afford. He started asking the salesman about leather steering wheels and top of the line accessories because he didn't want to touch plastic and deserved the extras. The salesman looked at us and said "Wow. You really have different priorities."

    Sigh. I'm feeling much less grinchy and just plumb dumb. I guess in my defense, I don't want to be materialistic and feeling that he wasn't contributing his share, made me feel like I was prioritizing the wrong things. However, after looking at this a bit differently, it looks like he was being the materialistic one and I just happened to be the one along footing the bill.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    6,056

    Default

    The doormat is too funny.

    I would hope you would make a difference by telling him. From his priorities (which would be enough for me to disqualify him right off--focusing on looks and stuff and the superficial) he's going to attract gold diggers who want stuff from him. Then, they're either going to take his stuff and money from him, or leave because they can't get it.

    What do you think he thinks he's actually contributing? Because he's self-employed and a business owner, his presence is so wonderful that you should pay the bills? Is he stunningly good looking? Makes you laugh? Great sex? Makes you feel wonderful and taken care of? What does he contribute?

    Don't worry. We're all dumb when it comes to this. We can't see it. It's all a learning experience. It sounds like you really are incompatible. I think materialistic people are on the "no way" list. But, let that be known. A LOT of men like women who aren't! You'll be very desirable to a GOOD man with GOOD priorities.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    Ya. The doormat thing really is priceless.

    When we started dating two and a half years ago, I was looking for someone mellow and stable, who was involved in giving back to the community - the opposite of my ex. At the time, he was living in a cool rental and everything made sense about him being on the brink of making it. I got us not going out to dinner or doing pricey things - I also could not afford a lot of stuff. However, in two and a half years, his financial situation has not gotten any better, and he hasn't done anything to make it better, but he seems to 'deserve' more and more.

    When he bought the huge house, I just about died. Seriously, he is a single guy, struggling to make ends meet and he buys a $275,000 house with three bathrooms, including a jacuzzi ensuite. Because he couldn't see himself getting by with something smaller. Honestly, I think he thought I was going to move in with him and pay half the mortgage because the house is about 2 minutes from my horses. Thank goodness I had the sense not to make that move a year and a half ago.

    I think that the biggest thing he is contributing the perception of stability to my life. He is mellow and kind. Never raises his voice. I don't think we have ever had any sort of fight.

    I really appreciate the opportunity to hash this out. I was feeling terrible about the way I behaved last night but this really helps to put things in a better perspective.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    6,056

    Default

    Wow. Are you feeling this all sorting out? He buys a big house that he can't afford because it makes him look good? You are getting luckier by the minute for getting away. That is not stable at all and he was all set to put you in a huge debt situation.

    I hope you're not feeling terrible about YOUR behavior anymore. You finally did right! HE should be ashamed. Your inner smart your broke out and demanded the right thing!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    Well, aside from feeling like the dim light in the chandelier, I feel a lot better.

    I like to think that I am a generous person. At least, I try to be. I hated being put in the position of feeling stingy. I hated being in the coffee shop feeling snitty because I knew I would be the one paying again. Seriously, I don't mind paying for someone's coffee and even randomly pay it forward for strangers. However, knowing that the expectation was that I would be paying always made me feel a little ticked.

    I stopped wanting to do things and go places because I knew that either I would be paying (and then silently snitting) or that I would get him to pay and then have to listen to how expensive everything was. Either way, it was never a fun outing for me. So, we stopped doing anything except watching movies on TV. Even that trailed off because I got tired of being the one to provide all the food all the time. Seriously, who comes over for dinner all the time without ever bringing anything?

    Aren't these manners he should have learned as a child? Is this something I can realistically bring up in a way that will make any positive difference in his life?

    I think he is the way he is, and there could honestly be a lot worse ways to be, and there is someone out there who will be o-kay with his approach to life. He did have someone in the past who would have given her eyeteeth to be with him but he didn't think she was his intellectual equal.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    12,849

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by katarine View Post
    Tell me again what's good about this guy that two C batteries and a glass of wine couldn't replace?
    Love it!!! LOL.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Coanteen View Post
    No hon, always managing to disappear when the bill is due at the coffee place is not being "sweetly clueless". You might be, in regard to his behavior; he most certainly is not.
    Really needed to hear this.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Jul. 24, 2008
    Location
    Wimberley, TX
    Posts
    153

    Default

    [QUOTE=arghhalter;6741300]But he's not a thoughtless ass. It's more that he's just sweetly clueless. Does he really sound like a thoughtless ass? I thought I was the thoughtless ass for not wanting to share my turkey.

    Yes, he is a thoughtless ass. And why you stay in this relationship is beyond me. There are worse things in life than being alone, and this relationship is one of them. You're being used, no matter how "sweet" he is.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    Not still in the relationship beyond being friends.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2008
    Posts
    4,042

    Default

    I have TWO very close friends who are just like this guy. They are my SO's childhood friends who share a lot of common interests with us and we travel together a lot.

    Sweet kind men, honest as the day is long, generous with their time, tall, muscular and good looking, happy to roll up their sleeves and help do anything, well spoken, even tempers, great senses of humor, one cooks & cleans, the other takes care of his children full time, both own their own homes with land, both love animals, both are handy, intelligent and have stable careers. I describe these guys as 'bury a body friends and the type of guy you'd want your daughter to date'... but neither one can keep a girl around for more than a few weeks. One is divorced, the other never married.

    They are both impossibly cheap. To the letter as you describe your friend.

    At first I thought it was sweet ignorance too, but over time I've come to know both these men's families and its a family trait. They were taught to be this cheap by their parents. Well, fathers. And both their mothers were miserable.

    I also thought it was just the way they were and they couldn't help it, but I have since learned the choice to be cheap or not is a conscious decision. If I go out to a bar with either of these guys alone, they wont make a motion for their pocket until I do and even then, when the bartender comes to pay the tab, it comes out of my $20 first. BUUUUT, if I am out with my SO with them... then they are shamed into paying for the lady. They both know my SO isn't going to sit there and let his girlfriend pay for everything.

    If you think you have a really open channel of communication with your friend you can try telling him that he's a nice guy but a complete jack ass when it comes to having a relationship... but with my friends, it wouldn't make a bit of difference. For one, they don't see anything inherently wrong with their behavior, they see themselves as 'wise' and 'scrupulous' in a virtuous manner. They see other people who spend freely as idiots so why not take advantage of that, why not eat your cake and have it too, isn't that the ultimate goal in life? Both their fathers were very good providers and they look up to that. The fact that they drove their mothers bat-shit insane is - as far as they're concerned - the mothers' faults

    But mostly, with my friends, they both have gone so many years without a steady woman in their lives they've gotten to the point where they feel women who want to be wined and dined are just manipulative witches out for their money. They've both more or less resigned themselves to either happening across a woman who fits their program - or dying alone on their heap of money. And they are totally fine with it. There is no point in trying to explain anything to them, as far as they are concerned they have it all figured out and we're the idiots.

    OP you are NOT wrong for finally wanting to stand your ground with your bit of turkey It feels petty and stupid, but really its the boundary line, and it basically comes down to that with guys like this. It is their nature to take everything available, and give as little as possible. IME, while your Spidey senses are correct in that his behavior isn't malicious... you must realize it is also conscious, so its time for you to be too.

    I love my friends, but they are just friends, never was anything romantic at all so my perspective is slightly different. They leave me scratching my head sometimes as I couldn't possibly be more opposite, but I love them both dearly and love having them in my life for the great guys they are.

    So, I play along with the game. If they beat me and I get stuck with the bill, oh well, I chuckle because I was caught asleep at the wheel. If they want to take all the left overs home, thats fine. But, I also am not so polite I let myself be taken advantage of either. If I want some of the left overs, I say 'here, I'll share this with you'. If I want them all, I tell them they know where MickyDs is And if they think I'm going to keep plunking down $20s at the bar I say Oy! Scrooge Mc Scrooge, blow the dust off your wallet, its your turn.

    See if there are parameters you can set for this relationship that you can live with, not feel resentful, and are worth the aggravation, as imhe, this is the price of admission for some people like this.... and sometimes they are worth it. But you have to find a ground to stand on where you can have a sense of humor about their pettiness and not feel walked all over.
    Last edited by buck22; Dec. 27, 2012 at 08:57 AM.
    Worry is the biggest enemy of the present. It steals your joy and keeps you very busy doing absolutely nothing at all... it’s like using your imagination to create things you don’t want.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    [QUOTE=buck22;6741551]... but with my friends, it wouldn't make a bit of difference. For one, they don't see anything inherently wrong with their behavior, they see themselves as 'wise' and 'scrupulous' in a virtuous manner.]

    I guess there is where I had the quandary with how I was feeling. Being frugral isn't a bad thing, and it made me feel materialistic, petty and shallow to be concerned about such a virtue.

    However, being able to look at the situation through a bit of a different lens, he just isn't a very giving person in general. It's a "what is mine is mine and what is yours is mine" attitude. There are a few things of mine that 'morphed' into being his over the course of the relationship. I still can't quite get over him breaking something of mine and buying himself a new one and not replacing the one of mine he broke. Yeesh. I really am clueless!! That should have been a kick in the pants about what he was like.

    We broke up for reasons unrelated to the money issue. Reasons that, in retrospect, are probably more related to him being a thoughtless ass than to me being too sensitive about some things.

    I don't think he is worried about a manipulative witch being out for his money because he really doesn't have any.

    I'm going to have to embrace my inner "Grinch" and get the stuff back that I 'lent' him over the years. I always felt a bit sorry for him, but basically after the unanimous agreement on COTH that his behaviour simply isn't sweetly clueless, I don't feel bad for him at all.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Mar. 26, 2008
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    1,855

    Default

    I don't read the above situations as being frugal or cheap. I'm frugal. It means when I go out to eat, I get an inexpensive item on the menu and water. It doesn't mean I order something lavish and then stick someone else with the bill. That's not being frugal, that's being rude and manipulative.
    "Last time I picked your feet, you broke my toe!"


    8 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Apr. 17, 2002
    Location
    between the barn and the pond
    Posts
    14,495

    Default

    Don't beat yourself up over this, it's over. You aren't dating.

    I would so totally show up at his house and quietly gather my crap, though. Every bit of it. Hell, I might take all of his toilet paper too. He's so tight, he doesn't need it


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
    Join Date
    Dec. 11, 2005
    Location
    Southern California - Hemet
    Posts
    1,709

    Default

    As others have so eloquently said, he's not sweetly clueless. I would guess that he is fully aware of what he's doing but is just a subtle manipulator on top of bieng a thoughtless ass.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
    Posts
    6,056

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mg View Post
    I don't read the above situations as being frugal or cheap. I'm frugal. It means when I go out to eat, I get an inexpensive item on the menu and water. It doesn't mean I order something lavish and then stick someone else with the bill. That's not being frugal, that's being rude and manipulative.
    Yep!

    I am SO proud everyone is picking up on my thoughtless ass name!


    2 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jan. 9, 2009
    Posts
    146

    Default

    O-kay. Have a scenario to run by you wise folks of Coth. Give it to me straight.

    Took him to my work X-Mas party at the racetrack. I paid for the tickets. iirc about $100 before drinks and tip. We played the races and he won a lot - around $100. I think I lost about $20. Between drinks and the tip, the bill was about another $50. Now, if it had been me, and I had won like he did, I would have offered to pay for the drinks and/or the tip. He treated it like he had earned it and was pleased as punch he had made a profit on the evening. This bothered me at the time but then I thought that I was out of line expecting him to contribute to an evening that I had invited him to.

    Your take on it?



  17. #37
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2000
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    12,716

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by arghhalter View Post
    But he's not a thoughtless ass. It's more that he's just sweetly clueless. Does he really sound like a thoughtless ass? I thought I was the thoughtless ass for not wanting to share my turkey.
    He's not being thoughtless if he disappears in order to avoid the check.
    That is deliberate behavior.

    If you continue to have coffee with him, tell the waitress when you order you want separate checks.
    "It's like a Russian nesting doll of train wrecks."--CaitlinandTheBay

    ...just settin' on the Group W bench.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  18. #38
    Join Date
    Feb. 6, 2000
    Location
    MA
    Posts
    12,716

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by arghhalter View Post
    O-kay. Have a scenario to run by you wise folks of Coth. Give it to me straight.

    Took him to my work X-Mas party at the racetrack. I paid for the tickets. iirc about $100 before drinks and tip. We played the races and he won a lot - around $100. I think I lost about $20. Between drinks and the tip, the bill was about another $50. Now, if it had been me, and I had won like he did, I would have offered to pay for the drinks and/or the tip. He treated it like he had earned it and was pleased as punch he had made a profit on the evening. This bothered me at the time but then I thought that I was out of line expecting him to contribute to an evening that I had invited him to.

    Your take on it?
    He's worse than a thoughtless ass.
    He's a Genuine Asshat.
    He's not even demotable from date to friend.

    Go gather all of your belongings that are in his possession.
    "It's like a Russian nesting doll of train wrecks."--CaitlinandTheBay

    ...just settin' on the Group W bench.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  19. #39
    Join Date
    Aug. 12, 2002
    Location
    Calera, AL
    Posts
    1,901

    Default

    I think he's a gigantic jerk off/user/ass. Just what is it that you get out of this?

    I get being kind and friends that don't give back as much as you offer, but really, what, at all, is he giving back???


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #40
    Join Date
    Aug. 22, 2001
    Location
    Almost Aiken
    Posts
    2,711

    Default

    If you guys were just getting to know each other and you invited him to the track for a date, then maybe I could see it. Or if he was a distant relative or friend of a friend in town for a few days and you offered to entertain them - maybe.

    People who care about each other don't do that. People who care about each other LIKE taking a turn with paying for the drinks etc, or will buy drinks and dinner to offset the cost of the tickets, or offer to split the winnings.

    He's a selfish cheapskate.

    I *might* have some sympathy if he did things like house repairs for you, or fixing dinner at your house and then doing dishes, SOMEthing that he did just to make you happy and with no other benefit to him.

    But no, he's a selfish, and probably clueless, ass.


    4 members found this post helpful.

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 29
    Last Post: Dec. 28, 2012, 10:15 AM
  2. Replies: 1075
    Last Post: Jan. 27, 2011, 09:55 PM
  3. Turning 50
    By nevertoolate in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: Nov. 1, 2010, 08:13 AM
  4. What to do about a grinch
    By JohnDeere in forum Off Course
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: Jan. 22, 2010, 09:32 PM
  5. Replies: 21
    Last Post: Dec. 21, 2009, 06:48 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •