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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2003
    Location
    Tennessee
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    3,038

    Default Ethical debate. How nice should I be to the Grinch?

    This is not a major life problem, but since it's bothering me a bit, I thought I'd ask a few hundred of my best friends (COTHers) what they thought.

    Three years ago, DH decreed that he would no longer have anything to do with Christmas. No gifts, no decorations, no big meal. It was just going to be an ordinary day. I told him I could go along with that BUT we had to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I still buy gifts for my sisters and their kids, and handle all of the buying, wrapping and mailing without complaint.

    Yesterday, I was giving my son a small gift, and DH starts looking around, and goes, "Where's mine?" I said "You don't do Christmas, so I have nothing for you." He said ok, and left the room.

    I got a box of candy from a friend, and got one piece before DH ate all of what was left. Would it be mean for me to tell him that's MY Christmas candy, and he can't have any because he has decided to ignore Christmas? Or should I just be friendly and share, like I always do? "Sharing" frequently means he gets it all, and I get none, like two years ago when one of the barn kids who loves my pony gave me a loaf of pumpkin bread she had baked. I have asked him to be more mindful and considerate, but it hasn't helped.

    And yes, I'm lucky that I don't need an alter for this post, and that's all I have to complain about.
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep. 6, 2012
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    238

    Default

    I would still share my candy.



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Oct. 3, 2007
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    PA
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    5,061

    Default

    If I had that arrangement with my husband and he had eaten MY candy, blood would have been spilled. But not enough that he couldn't have managed to haul his ass out to whatever store was open in order to replace what he had pilfered.


    18 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb. 26, 2011
    Location
    Its not nowhere, but you can see it from here
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    3,969

    Default

    I think it is a husband thing, not a non-Christmas thing. Honestly, a lot of men can't just have a serving. They have to have the whole thing. My dad was like that, DH is like that. They don't mean anything by it, its like they revert to cave men storing fat for the winter when they see food.

    DH ate both the kids chocolate Easter bunnies this year on the logic that they had fallen off the coffee table and were underneath it.

    If it is special, leave it in your car, hide it, whatever, since you know you can't trust him around it
    From AliCat518 "Seriously, why would you NOT put fried chicken in your purse?!"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    42,343

    Default

    How old is DH?
    Is this a larger change in character from what he used to be?
    He may be getting a bit "disinhibited" as he gets old and if so, his judgment may be becoming impaired.
    I have seen this happen to several older men.
    May not hurt to talk to your Dr about this.

    Any time that there is a strange change in someone, it pays to check things out.



  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
    Posts
    2,966

    Default

    Hubby either wants to "do" Xmas, or he "doesn't". There's no inbetween. He can't claim to not want to "do" Xmas & then ask where his presents are &/or consume/enjoy everyone elses. Hubby sounds like he either has a screw loose or a serious selfishness issue.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    pony4me is offline Grand Prix Premium Member
    Original Poster
    Join Date
    Jan. 16, 2003
    Location
    Tennessee
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    3,038

    Default

    DH is 61. And he's been on a see-food (and eat it) diet as long as I've known him. I would not consider this a change. Son received a refrigerator as a Christmas gift many years ago.
    It's 2014. Do you know where your old horse is?



  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
    Location
    california
    Posts
    4,525

    Default

    Hi Pony4Me, I'll tell you my birthday story:

    My gifts are still in the garage wrapped (although I unwrapped and rewrapped one because I had to know whether to buy another pair of reins from smartpak). My birthday was over a month ago and Mr. Stolen just has not had time to celebrate. I even bought a cake but he was too busy. It really hurt and still does seeing as my gifts are still there.

    I have no advice, sometimes we sure endure.

    Also, I do not want to hyjack this post so really no comments for me.



  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2001
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    4,418

    Default

    My nieces decided they did not want to do Christmas several years back, for religious reasons. They have since decided to celebrate with the rest of the family.Maybe your husband had a change of heart?



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep. 5, 2011
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    2,966

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by stolen virtue View Post
    Hi Pony4Me, I'll tell you my birthday story:

    My gifts are still in the garage wrapped (although I unwrapped and rewrapped one because I had to know whether to buy another pair of reins from smartpak). My birthday was over a month ago and Mr. Stolen just has not had time to celebrate. I even bought a cake but he was too busy. It really hurt and still does seeing as my gifts still are stilling there.

    I have no advice, sometimes we sure endure.

    Also, I do not want to hyjack this post so really no comments for me.
    Hon, you need to pull up your big-girl panties & confront your husband about this. Honestly, Xmas was YESTERDAY. He had nothing to say? Did you gift him with anything? Are you both deaf-mutes? For Christ's sake, at the very least, bring all of your gifts into the house from the garage & OPEN THEM. Period. End this mild little episode of sadism that hubby seems to be playing.

    And your birthday too. I understand that it "really hurt", but the only one who can change the situation is YOU. Are you afraid to bring the subject up for some reason?

    And there's absolutely no reason for your "we sure endure" comment. "We sure endure" because we CHOOSE TO. No other reason.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Dec. 4, 2005
    Location
    washington state
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    9,195

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    There is a reason I am not married, I would shove him down and take the chocolate out of his mouth

    He wants his (chocolate) cake and wants to eat (yours) it too!
    The Knotted Pony

    Proud and upstanding member of the Snort and Blow Clique.


    9 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan. 4, 2007
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    TX
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    Quote Originally Posted by pony4me View Post
    DH is 61. And he's been on a see-food (and eat it) diet as long as I've known him. I would not consider this a change. Son received a refrigerator as a Christmas gift many years ago.
    Well, if that is the way he is and has always been and you have been with him all along, why grumble about it now?

    Never mind, now is as good a time as any.
    I better let my betters tell you what to do, I would not know either.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov. 18, 2010
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    california
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    Bacardi, yes I get everything you are saying but yes, I choose to ignore it.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar. 10, 2009
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    5,622

    Default

    I'd just hide my food gifts, and bring them out for "sharing" after I'd eaten what I wanted.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec. 27, 1999
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    Midland, NC, USA
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    It's just a food-related behavior I bet.

    Hubby claims to be on a diet to lose weight for Speedskating, but is realistically also on a see-food diet. We just ate dinner (smoked ham and mac n cheese' hardly healthy) and I can hear him scrounging in the cabinets now. I usually have a package of candy stashed somewhere, I will eat a piece or two at a time, a box of milk duds will last over a week. When DH finds them, they are gone in a day. I like the caveman storing fat analogy. LOL.

    Jennifer


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Oct. 6, 2002
    Location
    Philadelphia PA
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    He didn't eat the candy because he was celebrating Christmas. He ate it because it was food, it was out, and he wanted it. If you don't want to share or want to save some, eat it on your own or just offer him a few pieces and then put it away. If he asks why-- be honest "I'd like to save some for later." I think any halfway intelligent person will get that-- even if he WANTS to gobble it all up.
    ~Veronica
    "The Son Dee Times" "Sustained" "Somerset" "Franklin Square"
    http://photobucket.com/albums/y192/vxf111/


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Dec. 28, 2003
    Location
    Canada where all hell has broke free
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    Let me tell you how things are in our house. I buy two of everything for baking because DH will eat my baking ingredients. Raisins, marshmallows, chocolate chips and so on. I have to hid them or when I go to bake they are gone and I have this bowl full of 1/2 the stuff and not able to finish it to bake.

    I have to hide food like chocolates or chips. I have to tell him not to eat things if I want to use for cooking or save to have at another time. I have even wrote on food items "DO NOT EAT!"

    My DH has made more trips to the store to replace things that he has eat without asking.

    He also will eat the last of something even if he ate 8 of the 10 already. I truly think it is due to the way they are raised. It is one of the things that I hate about my DH but I am learning to deal with it and he is learning that it does bother me. This Christmas he has asked me if I would like the last of something in a box, so I know he is learning.

    OP, yes I would be upset and I would tell my DH that the box of chocolates was my gift from a friend and I was upset with him for eating them.
    My life motto now is "You can't fix stupid!"

    Are you going to cowboy up, or lie there and bleed


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jan. 26, 2010
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    Default

    I'm with Mara. Hide the candy. Leave out what you want him to eat. It's a good way to get rid of food I don't want.

    I can't tell you how many times he has said he doesn't like chocolate, and then I get some gift of amazing Godiva chocolates, and he "tastes" a whole bar, wolfing it down, then says it's not bad, and wolfs down a few more. HIDE YOUR CANDY!

    SO is from a communist country and doesn't celebrate Xmas. Apparently in HIS country, you GIVE gifts on Bdays. Except, when it's his. Grumps about it, but likes it. You don't wait for him to do what's right, you TELL him what he needs to do, repeat if necessary, and then praise when he does it. Men.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
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    1,868

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    Picking a fight over a box of candy is stupid.

    Figure out what the REAL issue is and pick a fight over that.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings


    6 members found this post helpful.

  20. #20
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    Aug. 2, 2004
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    Whidbey Is, Wash.
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleum View Post
    Picking a fight over a box of candy is stupid.

    Figure out what the REAL issue is and pick a fight over that.
    I agree with this to a point. For OP's DH to have nixed Xmas a couple years ago, and then pouted when the son was gifted and he wasn't...that's a problem.

    As for whether all men are cavemen, it's a nature v nurture thing. The few things my DH does that hurt my feelings, I know his dad probably did as well. He is negative and complainy, he doesn't get up or even greet me beyond returning my greeting when I come home, he does what he wants, and he doesn't understand why I get upset. Last night we got into it because we were both in the living room, me reading and him watching TV. He got up, went into the bathroom, came out and said something along the lines of "ready for bed?" Not a big deal, only he had already walked behind the couch to lock the door and switch off a light. So not really a question, was it? And he didn't get it when I had a minor snit and basically said he is a callus ass sometimes. I told him a better way would be to stand and ask, instead of shutting the house down while asking. I am off today, I could have stayed up last night. And I know he was raised in a "father knows best" environment and what the man says, goes.

    I live with it, but it doesn't mean I'm quiet about it
    COTH's official mini-donk enabler

    "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl



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