"Never Hit A Jellyfish With A Spade" by Guy Browning:
"Imagine you were just minding your own business when a small primate landed on your back and demanded to go somewhere. That's how a horse feels when you decide to ride it.
One of the ...first things you'll notice about a horse is that it has twice the number of legs we do and therefore bounces up and down in a different way from us when it moves. The American response to this is to have a saddle like a comfy old armchair and then to slump well down in it. The British response has been to develop a saddle like a panty liner and then keep the bottom well clear of it as if it were red hot.
Horses go in two directions: towards food and away from food. They also have two speeds: fast and slow. They move slowly away from food and fast towards it.
For the first-time rider, the most shocking thing about a horse is the complete absence of a handle. This means you can't steer and you can't hold on. Incredibly, what you're supposed to do is to steer and hold on with your knees and inner thighs. Which is why making love to an experienced horsewoman feels a lot like spending the night in a Corby trouser press.
By law you have to wear a helmet when you ride. Riding helmets have been designed to offer complete protection should you fall off your horse, execute a perfect twisting pike turn and land upright on the crown of your head. Landing any other way will give you massive concussion and cause you intermittent black-outs for seventy-two hours afterwards. This kind of fall is known as a three-day eventer.
Once people get on horses they feel the need to jump things. Horses don't naturally jump things, otherwise the corral would have been a pretty rubbish invention. Can you imagine how little a horse thinks of its rider when on either side of an eight-foot fence is a perfectly good way of moving towards food without the need for jumping?
Stirrups are an integral stepladder designed to help you mount your horse. If you put a foot in, swing up and can't see the horse's head, you're probably on backwards. Don't be embarrassed by this as tests have shown that rear-facing riders suffer significantly fewer injuries in a crash. You're also less likely to jump things in this position and more likely to find horse food quickly."