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  1. #1
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    Oct. 20, 2005
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    Default Sister's boyfriend hates our family

    ...how long until she'll figure out that he is NOT good for her?

    They've lived together 2+ years.

    This is a guy tremendously concerned with status and appearance. (They moved apartments one floor up because the upstairs one had granite countertops.) He's pretty metrosexual, you'd almost think he was gay if you met him.

    He doesn't attend any holidays with our family. She either comes alone or doesn't come. Second year in a row that she skipped Christmas Eve/Christmas morning because he wasn't willing to compromise and she felt bad leaving him. She did come later in the afternoon without him.

    When he DOES come to events where our family is (sometimes he comes to the racetrack when we have horses running), when He Is Ready To Leave, they have to go. Not stay a bit longer, he needles her until he gets his way and they leave.

    My sister wants to get a dog. He told her fine, get one, but I am not lifting a finger to take care of it. Period. My sister got all the guys in our family (dad, brother, boyfriend) fancy sweaters from....J Banks? Some upper end clothier, anyway. He saw the bag and said, "If you got something from there for me, take it back. I'm not wearing it." A couple Christmases back, she gave him a pair of fancy jeans. He ran upstairs to try them on and then made a stink about how he didn't like the style.

    Seriously. I know he must have SOME redeeming qualities, but I am not seeing them. Do I say something to her or let them be?
    It's a uterus, not a clown car. - Sayyedati


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  2. #2
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    Feb. 14, 2003
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    Default

    You can say something, but honestly, she is not ready to get rid of him. It sounds like she is totally controlled by him, and is probably afraid to make him angry--too frightened by the idea of having no man in your life seems to be the main reason my friends have stayed with abusers, control freaks and total jackwagons in the past. I'm sorry you have to watch her do this to herself.
    Proud member of the "Don't rush to kill wildlife" clique!


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  3. #3
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    Jul. 21, 2011
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    It really depends on your relationship with your sister. Are you close?

    Does she know that you care very much about her? Think hard about that one, if she thinks you are interfering for some other reason than your concern for her happiness, then best keep quiet.

    Otherwise, if you must, a short mention of your concern perhaps "are you happy.. I wish I could see more of you"... and if the excuse is that "he" is calling the shots, then ask her if this is the way she is willing to live her life. Have just a few words.

    There is honestly no good way to tell someone that you think their boyfriend is gay, though if they are beginning to suspect it, a sideways mention (for god's sake don't come at that one head on..) may give her some validation.

    Are you concerned that he is a money grubber?



  4. #4
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    Jul. 15, 2006
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    My ex-husband was a metro sexual type. That sentance should say it all, but until she is ready, she won't make the change. Best you can do is be supportive.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by MMacallister View Post
    My ex-husband was a metro sexual type. That sentance should say it all, but until she is ready, she won't make the change. Best you can do is be supportive.
    metro sexual?
    if you think he's gay by meeting him, i'd say he is....

    but that's the cynical me.

    a friend of mine had a BF like that....thankfully they broke up and she met a nice guy....
    but seriously? his lovin must be something good...or sister fell on her head....
    sadly, there is not much one can do if she doesn't see her white steed is an ass
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


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  6. #6
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    Yes, we are close. I'm waiting to hear how her giving him The Sweater went. He makes more money than she does (so she says) but he also gets financial support from his parents. My sister doesn't. They split the rent. She just lost one of her jobs and is working on staying permanent at her current "seasonal" job, so incidentally she mentioned a week or so ago that he will be picking up more of the rent till she's on firmer financial footing.

    It just makes me sad. And I don't want my disappointment at not seeing her more often color this, but really. I said tonight after she left my parents', "This probably isn't the time to say this, but does anyone else think Davy is a total asshole?"

    And my dad said, "Yeah, this isn't the time to talk about that." When last summer, I mentioned to another family member how sister & BF had to leave when HE was ready to, which got back to my dad and resulted in a "So I hear you think your sister's boyfriend is an asshole. Could you elaborate?"

    Ugh.
    It's a uterus, not a clown car. - Sayyedati



  7. #7
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    Re: metrosexual. He was recently promoted to either manager or asst. manager the childrens' department at a higher-end department store. Hence why he refused to wear the Banks sweater, his store doesn't carry that brand. (My sister is a fashion major.)
    It's a uterus, not a clown car. - Sayyedati



  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slewdledo View Post
    Re: metrosexual. He was recently promoted to either manager or asst. manager the childrens' department at a higher-end department store. Hence why he refused to wear the Banks sweater, his store doesn't carry that brand. (My sister is a fashion major.)

    well, i can see how it would be detrimental to his job, but he is not there all the time...

    but yeah, he sounds like a jerk....and I know that after a few meetings I would not be able to hold my tongue and let him have it.
    tongue like a sword my mom described me a long time ago....
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


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  9. #9
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    Jul. 21, 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slewdledo View Post
    Re: metrosexual. He was recently promoted to either manager or asst. manager the childrens' department at a higher-end department store. Hence why he refused to wear the Banks sweater, his store doesn't carry that brand. (My sister is a fashion major.)
    Oh. Well. That is a field in which straight guys are few and far between (or I guess some are "metrosexuals"). I have never met a metrosexual.

    I have a very dear, gay, male freind and a gay male relative so I have met many gay men.
    I really have no tolerance for gay men who deceive women, though I understand the societal pressure that leads them to do so.

    Since you are close, I would speak with your sister about your concerns, (probably wouldn't go into the sexual concern unless you are very close, then perhaps just a reminder that sometimes it's best for a couple not to be in the same line of work esp. fashion..) just be kind and offer what support you can, emotional ,financial or both.

    You'll feel better having said something about how you feel, and if she doesn't want to change things then you have at least voiced your concerns.

    Your Dad sounds as if he likes the guy, for some reason. I'd have thought that maybe he thinks it's no one's business, but the fact that he brought the subject up to you after having heard something through the grapevine, makes it seem as if he is for the match. (Perhaps "asshole " wasn't the best term to use?)



  10. #10
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    My husband "hates my family"... well, hate is a strong word but honestly he finds it very difficult to cope with them.

    My husband and I are very clean, tidy, organised, well prepared, responsible people. My mother and her husband are (barely) controlled chaos. Borderline hoarders, excuses for why the driveway (to the barn where I pay money to board my horse) is 8 inches deep in mud, the chickens are pooping all over the porch, and the things we give them as gifts are scattered all over the front lawn in various stages of disrepair (neglect)...

    They have told us that we make them feel uncomfortable and that his "influence" on me makes family dynamics strained. But they are very happy being the way they are and my husband and I are very happy being the way we are. After 14 years (through more than one family fight and discontinuation of all "gifts" ) we have found a way to coexist. My husband no longer tries to do "home improvement" projects at the barn or in their house. We rarely invite them over (since that makes them uncomfortable) and we are rarely invited there. Family gatherings are generally conducted on nuetral ground.

    So, in short, just because your sister's boyfriend is very different than your family doesn't mean they can't have a happy relationship. Honestly, the only person who has to like him is her. She has chosen him. She has to live with him.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  11. #11
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Too many red flags here. Men who work in fashion retail often have a lot of self-issues, which is why they are drawn to a job where you can literally dress yourself up to be awesome and confident. This guy sounds like he's got a whole bunch of those and he's definitely wrapped his insecurity up with authoritarian behaviour which is why he's management because that stuff looks good on paper even though it ultimately causes trouble down the line in retail environments as it leads to abuses and often theft in the workplace.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have,
    at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    4 members found this post helpful.

  12. #12
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    Jun. 14, 2006
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    I think you've got two different "issues" here.

    You really didn't talk a whole lot about the family stuff other than that he doesn't attend all of the events and when he does, they leave when he wants to leave.

    So I'll just address those, because I could be him. My husband's family thinks I don't like them very much.

    I do. I DO like them. But I come from a small, quiet, low key, non demonstrative (very stereotypical Germanic) family where seeing each other once a year is the norm. His family? HUGE, LOUD, OVER THE TOP, and they get together a lot.

    It is very overwhelming for me to attend their family get togethers. There are typically no less than 25-ish people, half of which are children, ages 4-14. It's chaos. And it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. So the deal my husband and I have is that if it's really important to him, I'll go. Else, I try to skip. Or I drive separately so I can get out of there when I need to. I quite literally have left on the verge of an anxiety attack on more than one occasion. And these get togethers start at 2 in the afternoon and often go til 11pm at night! When I was working full time, had horses, and dogs to contend with, spending that much time away from home was a PITA.

    So maybe your sister's boyfriend just doesn't DO family get togethers. Maybe he feels uncomfortable for some other reason. But it doesn't mean he "hates" your family.

    As for the dog, that's a pretty fair thing IMHO. If she wants a dog and he really doesn't, then it's fair for him to say "your responsibility, not mine." I tried that when my husband wanted to get another dog (I had one already). The reason I tried that route is because I knew how much work it would be. I tried to explain to hubby. No dice. So we got a dog. And guess who has, ever since, been "responsible" for the dog? Me. So if this guy doesn't want to be responsible for a dog (like while she's working multiple jobs?) then I think that's fair.

    The other stuff is personality, tastes, etc and that's who he is. If she doesn't like it, she can do something about it. But it really doesn't affect anyone else, does it? Other than knowing about it and being annoyed. He's not treating anyone badly, is he?
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    3 members found this post helpful.

  13. #13
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    My brother has gone out with some women who liked us about as much as we liked them... Which wasn't much... But I do try to look at it as if the tables were turned. I've certainly gone out with some people whose families drove me crazy, so I get it when someone just feels like they landed on the wrong planet.

    I think the reaction to gifts issue is different from the dealing with family issue. It sounds like this is a guy who doesn't filter what he's thinking and saying very well. So be it - that will be your sister's problem, really. But the family thing may turn out to be the potential deal breaker for her, so tread lightly on that one. At some point when she starts thinking about whether she wants to have kids, get married, etc she may take a long hard look at this guy and decide she'd rather be with someone who wants to fit in and wants to enjoy her extended family. But this realization may take time... Or it may not happen if she sees herself as different from the family and wanting to make a break of her own. Time will tell.


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  14. #14
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    Mar. 26, 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by SmartAlex View Post
    So, in short, just because your sister's boyfriend is very different than your family doesn't mean they can't have a happy relationship. Honestly, the only person who has to like him is her. She has chosen him. She has to live with him.
    ^
    THIS

    It was not that I did not like my DH's family....
    Well - some I did find noxious, but his parents were sweethearts who accepted me loooooong before we married and his brothers were good souls. The SILs OTOH.....do not get me started.

    We had so little in common I eventually excused myself from their GTGs and eventually they realized I would not be coming.
    I never expected DH to stay home, but instead he'd go solo to whatever to-do was planned.
    Weddings and funerals were exceptions - those I'd attend out of respect.

    No resentment on either of our sides and franky I didn't care what his family said or thought.
    Worked for us for over 30 years.
    *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
    Steppin' Out 1988-2004
    Hey Vern! 1982-2009
    Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009


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  15. #15
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    Nov. 23, 1999
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    It's her life, it's her business, including her choice of living with an asshole. He probably gets the "we don't like you" vibe off of all of you as well, so why try and force the issue and have him come over?
    EDDIE WOULD GO



  16. #16
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    Feb. 1, 2001
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    To me, it just sounds like you have different tastes and possibly different expectations when it comes to "stuff" and family gatherings. Neither of those necessarily mean anyone hates or even dislikes anyone.

    Consider that the BF has probably gotten the message that you (and maybe others in your family) are not big fans. Why would he want to spend a lot of time with you/your family if that is the case?

    It's not evil to like nicer things. I don't see anything wrong with choosing an apartment with granite in the kitchen over one that did not. Of course there are shades of grey in everything and maybe the BF *is* controlling and a status freak, but caring about one's appearance isn't awful, particularly if one works in a business where there is an expectation that the management staff will present themselves a certain way.

    If your sister is happy... that is what matters. If not, well... she is an adult and certainly can make her own choices. But I can promise you that she is well aware of your dislike for her SO, and that that is painful for her, and makes family gatherings a challenge.
    **********
    We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
    -PaulaEdwina


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  17. #17
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    Oct. 12, 2001
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    why should he have to "like" your family? he has a relationship with your sister, not with your family.
    If he's not being abusive to her, it's none of your business.


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  18. #18
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    If you say anything about him to your sister that will make him cling to him for a long time, and that may be a cliche, but it's true. And when she finally dumps him (if she ever does), then everything will be your fault somehow.
    You can't fix stupid-Ron White



  19. #19
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    if your sister is still with this guy, and hasn't complained to you personally (or anyone else) about any "issues" she thinks he has, there's very little you can do.

    My recommendation would be to focus on positive things, such as you would love to see her more, etc. If you complain about the BF and his faults, you are likely to get an unpleasant reaction from your sister which could be anything from tension to obvious hostility depending on how close you are.

    Let her make her own decisions. Maybe she will decide eventually that he's a jerk and will get rid of him. Let that be her decision. If you muddy the water, she will only resent you for your "interference". Try to show that you care about *her* by wanting to spend time with her because that's positive and doesn't speak to any of your feelings about the BF.


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  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by wendy View Post
    why should he have to "like" your family? he has a relationship with your sister, not with your family.
    If he's not being abusive to her, it's none of your business.

    not liking is one thing, but the situation described is borderline controlling. hell with borderline!
    Like I said, a friend of mine dated a jerk like that. he entered the room and expected her to stop talking to other people right then. Was pisses when she didn't until he reached her.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



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