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  1. #1

    Default Does it get better?

    A few years ago, I was told that I have bipolar II. Since then I've taken meds and went to therapy but I don't feel like I've ever gotten better. A few appointments ago, the therapist mentioned that maybe borderline personality disorder is the correct diagnosis or both of the diagnosis are correct.

    About a year ago, my previous therapist recommended DBT and so I went till my college stopped offering the group therapy. It did help. I feel trapped now though. It's like I have this pile of pills sitting here that a year ago, I would have already have taken but now that I'm dealing with these oh-so-frequent crisis better I haven't so the therapy works just well enough that I have enough control not to take the pills but not enough that I feel like my life is going to get any better.

    I stopped taking my prescribed meds a few weeks ago because it always put me in the same limbo state where I felt like all they are doing is keeping me from killing myself but not helping me enough that I can start creating a "life worth living". I don't know how to talk to the doctor or therapist and tell them this. They will be frustrated with me and I don't want to be fired as a client because I'm not trying.

    I don't know that there is a point to any of this, other than is there still hope that dreams will come true with mental illness? I read about people saying there is hope, but I'm scared. For so long, my dreams have been to one day have friends, to finish my degree, to be steady enough that I feel like I could go back to riding and not be a burden to whatever barn I end up at. I want to feel normal. Does that ever happen?



  2. #2
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    Oct. 15, 2011
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    Dreams certainly can come true with bipolar disorder. Catherine Zeta-Jones, Carrie Fisher, and Sinead o'Connor are all bipolar and I think we'd all consider them successful

    It's hard having any issue that involves depression or anxiety. I have problems with both. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I will say that I don't find medicine or therapy helpful either, but I do find exercise and fish oil and vitamin B combo supplements very helpful. I also read a lot - if you need a pick-me-up, I really really recommend the book "Unlimited" by Jillian Michaels. *hug* don't give up, it will get better. Each person is different and sometimes it takes awhile to figure out something that works for you.
    *Wendy* 4.17.73 - 12.20.05


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
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    Jul. 14, 2000
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    Im not a doctor but please take your meds, please. Maybe you need a different doctor team too. I cant answer your specific questions because I havent been in your shoes but understand that you matter and deserve to feel better. ((hugs))


    3 members found this post helpful.

  4. #4
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    Jun. 11, 2006
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    Berryville, VA
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    First of all, there is NO such thing as "normal". Don't kid yourself! Even people that seem to have it all together often hide the biggest scars.


    BPD (Borderline) is treatable, but it takes complete dedication between client and therapist and you need to be honest with them. I suggest you purchase the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". It is older, but is quite good for helping to understand this disorder. Please educate yourself. There are support groups as well as NAMI. You will find you are not alone. If you find yourself thinking about doing an OD, please find someone safe to keep your pills and give them to you daily. This may sound dumb, but can help keep you safe in a crisis. Also, I don't know what area you are from, but there are Concern Hotlines you can call during a crisis. BPD can be very hard. One study showed some people have as many as 20-30 mood swings per day. Something so simply can flip the "switch" and cause a good day to turn into a living hell.

    The good news, it IS treatable. The worst years seem to be 20-30 years old. Finding the RIGHT cocktail of medications can make a huge difference. There are 100's of psych meds, so if what you are on is not working, you need to tell your doctor. Just like there are tons of Blood Pressure medications, not all medications work for every person. That is why there isn't just one pill to fix everyone! Don't give up hope, it DOES get better!!
    Boarding for Show, Pleasure, and Retirement horses. www.LockeMeadows.com


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb. 28, 2011
    Posts
    520

    Default

    For me? No.



  6. #6
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    Mar. 14, 2010
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    Earlysville, Virginia
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    There is hope, I swear. I haven't been diagnosed with bipolar, but I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. Therapy with the RIGHT doctor helps. Meds can help. If you EVER need to talk, PM me. And never be embarrassed or ashamed of any feelings.
    Charlie Brown (1994 bay TB X gelding)
    White Star (2004 grey TB gelding)

    Mystical Moment, 1977-2010.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar. 9, 2006
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    Kay Redfield Jamison has written some interesting books on the subject of bipolar disease. She's worked with both sides of the issue, both as a sufferer and also a therapist. She has some very useful observations on why bipolar sufferers often don't like taking drugs. Since she's been there done that herself, she's coming at the issue from a different perspective.

    Of course, it is indeed possible that you have something different from bipolar disease. One of my friends was misdiagnosed with bipolar during her first year of college. It was a reasonable mistake. She was having obvious signs of a mood disorder, and her extended family had a known history of the disease. Turns out she had a more straightforward problem with depression and not the family bipolar issue. However, she pretty much lost her entire 20s and her prospect for a college degree to the dysfunction resulting from not getting the correct treatment for her depression. Definitely seek out other medical opinions if you don't feel your current provider is solving the problem.


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  8. #8
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    Nov. 19, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyVeryOwnAlter1 View Post
    A few years ago, I was told that I have bipolar II. Since then I've taken meds and went to therapy but I don't feel like I've ever gotten better. A few appointments ago, the therapist mentioned that maybe borderline personality disorder is the correct diagnosis or both of the diagnosis are correct.
    About a year ago, my previous therapist recommended DBT and so I went till my college stopped offering the group therapy. It did help. I feel trapped now though. It's like I have this pile of pills sitting here that a year ago, I would have already have taken but now that I'm dealing with these oh-so-frequent crisis better I haven't so the therapy works just well enough that I have enough control not to take the pills but not enough that I feel like my life is going to get any better.

    I stopped taking my prescribed meds a few weeks ago because it always put me in the same limbo state where I felt like all they are doing is keeping me from killing myself but not helping me enough that I can start creating a "life worth living". I don't know how to talk to the doctor or therapist and tell them this. They will be frustrated with me and I don't want to be fired as a client because I'm not trying.

    I don't know that there is a point to any of this, other than is there still hope that dreams will come true with mental illness? I read about people saying there is hope, but I'm scared. For so long, my dreams have been to one day have friends, to finish my degree, to be steady enough that I feel like I could go back to riding and not be a burden to whatever barn I end up at. I want to feel normal. Does that ever happen?


    My Daughter is Dead because she stopped taking her medications.

    She was 24.

    To answer your question......

    Yes, she is better off now, her pain and fears are gone forever.

    It's the ones she left behind who will NOT get better.

    We will now and always be crippled and mangled and guilty and abandoned
    *************************
    Go, Baby, Go......
    Aefvue Farms Footing Inspector



  9. #9
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    Jan. 31, 2003
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    Irish Ei's, I think of you and your daughter often. Nothing I can say is adequate

    OP, yes, it can. I know many people with many different mental illnesses and yes, it can get better. Many of them I have met while they are in their late 30s and mid 40s and until they tell me about their younger years and their current status, I would have no idea.

    so hang in there and take the good advices from people here.
    "Kindness is free" ~ Eurofoal
    ---
    The CoTH CYA - please consult w/your veterinarian under any and all circumstances.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  10. #10
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    Jul. 17, 2005
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    Ohio
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyVeryOwnAlter1 View Post

    I stopped taking my prescribed meds a few weeks ago
    --I believe there is hope and that it can be better. I work with quite a few people with the same diagnosis as you. BUT Stopping your meds cold turkey is not a good thing. I know you said you don't want to tell your doctors you've stopped, but really you need to get them on board so that they can help monitor the situation, and they can work with you to find a combination of meds that DO work.
    Last edited by JenLS; Dec. 26, 2012 at 03:38 PM. Reason: spelling!
    Only dead fish go with the flow.

    http://tommybluefoot.blogspot.com/


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  11. #11
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyVeryOwnAlter1 View Post
    I stopped taking my prescribed meds a few weeks ago because it always put me in the same limbo state where I felt like all they are doing is keeping me from killing myself but not helping me enough that I can start creating a "life worth living". I don't know how to talk to the doctor or therapist and tell them this. They will be frustrated with me and I don't want to be fired as a client because I'm not trying.
    If you unilaterally quit taking medication, and won't work openly with your therapists? No, it probably won't.

    The meds you're taking aren't the only ones available, if the side effects are bad you can switch. If you can't trust your current therapist, you need to find another one, one who you can open up to (and if you do have BPD instead of or in addition to Bipolar, do read some of the sources recommended - trust will be difficult for you, and you have to have the insight to know that this may be the disorder, not "you").

    I may be a bit jaded, having known several people with both Bipolar and BPD (not suffering from both at once though). The success stories were those people extremely dedicated to maintaining their mental health, to working closely with their health providers, and in the case of BPD to engaging fully with very wrenching and personal therapy and facing their own maladaptive thought patterns.
    The ones that didn't? No, they didn't get better.


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  12. #12
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    Oct. 7, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by CHSatwork View Post
    For me? No.
    Are you OK? Your post has me worried. Jingles.
    Founder of the People Who Prefer COTH Over FB Clique
    People Who Hate to Rush to Kill Wildlife Clique!
    "I Sing Silly Songs to My Animals!" Clique



  13. #13
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    Nov. 11, 2010
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    Irish Ei's, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

    CHSatwork, thanks for being honest. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just telling me what I want to hear rather than the truth.

    Coanteen, thanks for your frank advice.

    Everyone who has posted is right. I know this. I know that I need to make another appointment to see the therapist and the psychiatrist. I can't keep doing what I did today and canceling an appointment for Friday today because I didn't feel like I could handle going. I get scared at the thought of leaving the house and cancel appointments so I don't have to. It's a bad excuse. I know this.

    I just start feeling like I'm a burden to everybody. Most people go their entire lives without ever calling a suicide lifeline. I'm lucky to make it a month without calling. I know this is just me having a pity party and I need to get on with my life. I just don't know how. I'm scared to be honest with my therapist about how paranoid and anxious I am. A really messed up part of me wants to take the pills I've stockpiled with the hope that someone realizes that I've taken them and sends me to the hospital. I don't know how else to ask for help.

    Thanks for all the advice.



  14. #14
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    I implore you to be open and honest with your therapist. I cannot imagine that your therapist would be upset with you.

    Your last few sentences tell me that you are experiencing some SI, even if it is passive. Please do not ask for help by harming yourself. Somethings cannot be repaired. Medication over-dose can do a lot of damage and even kill you. I know you are aware of this, and it is why you typed it.

    Please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room if you even think you want to harm yourself. This could be part of coming off the meds so quickly, or it could be what you really feel you want to do. I'm asking you not to kill yourself. Please.

    Will you ever be completely free of your mental health concerns? No. Can it get better? Absolutely! We all have issues, just some have learned better than others how to integrate these things into the rest of our lives.

    Stay safe and know you are not alone.
    Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
    W. C. Fields


    4 members found this post helpful.

  15. #15
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    Dec. 31, 2000
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    El Paso, TX
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    Talk to your therapist and be open and honest. they can't help you if you aren't honest with them.

    And one thing you might do, is get the book "We are not Forgotten" by george Anderson. Read the last couple of chapters especially. In a nutshell, it explains why you are here, and what the purpose is. Everyone is here for a reason. It might be that you talk to someone who was suicidal and are pleasant, and they change their mind, and decide to go on another day. It may be that you spend 2 min talking to someone in a checkout line, and there is a car accident that happens, and if they had left the store 2 min earlier (if you hadn't spoken to them), they would have been killed. Or maybe you do a kindness for someone, and they pay it forward, and the person on their receiving end was having a horrible day, and you changed it, altering their behavior towards their family, or reducing road rage. It may be as little as a smile, or a kind word that affects someone else, which affects someone they cross paths with.

    You being here has a purpose. You may not know what it is, but there is a reason. Get help so you can live out your life, and fulfill your purpose here.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #16
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    Aug. 9, 2002
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    USA
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyVeryOwnAlter1 View Post
    ...I just start feeling like I'm a burden to everybody. Most people go their entire lives without ever calling a suicide lifeline. I'm lucky to make it a month without calling. I know this is just me having a pity party and I need to get on with my life. I just don't know how. I'm scared to be honest with my therapist about how paranoid and anxious I am. A really messed up part of me wants to take the pills I've stockpiled with the hope that someone realizes that I've taken them and sends me to the hospital. I don't know how else to ask for help.
    Is there a hospital near you that has inpatient psych facilities? If so, go to the ER. Print out what you typed here and show it to the ER staff (they'll likely have a crisis counselor come talk to you). A few days in a hospital setting where no one judges you, you don't have to be afraid of telling your therapist how paranoid/anxious you are... Might help you out quite a bit, to talk to a new therapist & psychiatrist, know they're always available when inpatient. Start off with a clean slate, so to speak... and they'll get you back on track with meds. PM if you need/want to chat. (((hugs)))


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  17. #17
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    Jul. 14, 2000
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    midwest
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyVeryOwnAlter1 View Post
    Irish Ei's, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

    CHSatwork, thanks for being honest. Sometimes I wonder if everyone is just telling me what I want to hear rather than the truth.

    Coanteen, thanks for your frank advice.

    Everyone who has posted is right. I know this. I know that I need to make another appointment to see the therapist and the psychiatrist. I can't keep doing what I did today and canceling an appointment for Friday today because I didn't feel like I could handle going. I get scared at the thought of leaving the house and cancel appointments so I don't have to. It's a bad excuse. I know this.

    I just start feeling like I'm a burden to everybody. Most people go their entire lives without ever calling a suicide lifeline. I'm lucky to make it a month without calling. I know this is just me having a pity party and I need to get on with my life. I just don't know how. I'm scared to be honest with my therapist about how paranoid and anxious I am. A really messed up part of me wants to take the pills I've stockpiled with the hope that someone realizes that I've taken them and sends me to the hospital. I don't know how else to ask for help.

    Thanks for all the advice.
    Is there someone you know who would drive you to your doctors appointment? Do you have family that understands what you are working through right now? An old riding buddy that could drive you to the appt?

    A pity party is okay. Everyone, and I mean everyone has one from time to time. Will you make that appointment today, please? You DO matter. You ARE important.


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  18. #18
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    Aug. 1, 2002
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    Georgia
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    Irish Ei's - I think of you often as well. My husband was bipolar. He also struggled with addiction (I've posted about him several times). When he was on the right meds, things were great, and I could tell how happy he was. When he wasn't on the right meds, he would go manic, or be so depressed that he wasn't able to get out of the bed. The side affects of some of the meds, made him suicidal. We never could find a Dr that would really look at the root of the issue, and actually care about him. One Dr told him he just had ADD.

    When you have Bipolar, you've got to get a Dr who is willing to work with you, will talk with your family or a close friend,and who will work you in, if you need an emergency visit.

    My husband got none of this, and finally just stopped taking his meds. His parents found him at our house. He had accidentally overdosed.

    Like Irish Ei's, I am thankful he is pain free now. But the hole he left behind is a deep one.

    The tragic part, is that Bipolar Disorder is one of the easiest to treat of all the mental disorders.

    I know how frustrating it is to get proper treatment. I hate how mental illnesses are cared for in our country, but there IS god help out there...you just have to search. Just remember - you ARE worth it!


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  19. #19
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    Apr. 21, 2010
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    I have no experience with this, but you are not alone. Never think you're alone. Your family, friends, and this board cares. Reach out to any one. No one is going to judge.

    I have nothing to offer but an ear. But if you need that, pm me anytime!


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  20. #20
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    Jun. 30, 2006
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    SF Bay Area, California
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    Quote Originally Posted by tarynls View Post
    Is there a hospital near you that has inpatient psych facilities? If so, go to the ER. Print out what you typed here and show it to the ER staff (they'll likely have a crisis counselor come talk to you). A few days in a hospital setting where no one judges you, you don't have to be afraid of telling your therapist how paranoid/anxious you are... Might help you out quite a bit, to talk to a new therapist & psychiatrist, know they're always available when inpatient. Start off with a clean slate, so to speak... and they'll get you back on track with meds. PM if you need/want to chat. (((hugs)))
    Please seriously consider doing this, NOW. You haven't mentioned where you live, but if you are around me, I would be happy to come get you and take you, and give you a great big hug.

    As someone who has also dealt with depression and anxiety, I know what it's like to not want to out, and yes, I have had my own pity parties as well. With the right help, you CAN get through this. If you aren't comfortable dealing with your current doctors, please make the effort to find ones you can work with as it will make all the difference in the world.

    PM me if you want to talk or even exchange emails. I'm happy to support you any way I can.
    Proud owner of a Slaughter-Bound TB from a feedlot, and her surprise baby...!
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e350/Jen4USC/fave.jpg
    http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e3...SC/running.jpg


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