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  1. #81
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    Dec. 25, 2012
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    45

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    Hi Again,
    I was so glad to see that you were back online reading the posts we are all leaving for you!
    Glad that you are booked with a specialist for HRT...............but please, please please, see doctor and ask for an Antidepressant.
    You are having anxiety attacks, and the depression has taken over your life.
    Believe all of us who have been in this place..............the antidepressant will start to work, and it will take the edge off the rough parts of your days, and allow you to sleep and heal. Think Zoloft, Paxil, Cymbalta(spelling), Prozac, etc.
    You may have have to try a few before the doctor figures out which one works best for you.
    It will make a world of difference in your life right now, and ''yes'', you will start to feel better.
    Once you feel better mentally, you will slowly start to regain your confidence and strength to go on each day.

    Heck - Let your 2 dogs have the other side of your bed to sleep in, if you have to........that way you have company that loves you, each night!
    More hugs coming your way...........
    Take care


    2 members found this post helpful.

  2. #82
    Join Date
    May. 1, 2001
    Location
    Paris, Kentucky
    Posts
    589

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    OP - Unless I'm greatly mistaken (and I don't think I am), we first met about 11 or 12 years ago? I'm so very sorry your situation has deteriorated to this, and understand your devastation about facing the loss of your beloved f-you farm.

    That said, please don't do anything rash. It sounds like your physical issues are contributing this emotional trainwreck. Never underestimate the power of hormones out of whack. You must allow yourself time to heal and find a way forward.

    I know you can do this. Call me.

    Margaret


    2 members found this post helpful.

  3. #83
    Join Date
    Jan. 23, 2006
    Location
    MD, shmaryland
    Posts
    1,695

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    WRT the posters who are suggesting antidepressants: I agree, to a point.

    Antidepressants are a *tool* - not a *cure*

    They are designed to be used in conjunction with regular talk therapy with a qualified counselor or psychologist (cognitive behavioral therapy, etc.); as well as prescribed by a psychologist who works with said counselor or psychologist, and you, the patient; to make sure everything is on the up & up.

    Antidepressants can truly be a lifesaver (I would know, trust me); but they also have the potential to be the sharpest of the double-edged swords, even when used appropriately; hence the importance of involving qualified and competent mental health professionals into your treatment plan.

    I think you're right on point with going to see a doctor about HRT;I would bet big money that, that alone will be a HUGE help to you.

    While getting your hormones checked and balanced, may I also suggest having your doc take a look at your thyroid? Whether over or under normal, one's thyroid activity can and will have significant impact upon mental health (as well as physical).

    I realize (and totally understand) your financial limitations, OP. But as others have said, you have options- social security, state-funded health care, etc... It's just going to take some work to find out what you qualify for, and to what degree.

    Also, not sure if this has been mentioned yet- but looking into whether or not you qualify for disability in your state could very well provide you with another avenue of support that could greatly benefit you.
    Check out: https://www.disability.gov/, and https://www.disability.gov/health.

    I suggest finding a qualified social worker in your area; they would likely be the best resource in helping you sort out a LOT of what you're dealing with right now: http://www.socialworkers.org/, and http://www.helpstartshere.org/find-a-social-worker

    OP, I've been to some dark, dark places in my life; and find myself there more often than not. Though mine are due to a chemical imbalance (bipolar disorder), I am no stranger to hard times, either; so I get what you're going through. And I also know that when it rains, it sure as shit pours; and the last thing anyone feels like doing when they're getting dumped on, is to do anything... that's totally normal.

    And I get that it's easy for us to say, "it will get better," when we're not the ones in your shoes right now (when I'm in a depressive episode, and people say such things to me, it always makes me feel worse... and makes me want to scream at them to just shut the hell up; but I digress).

    While I know that the last thing you want to hear right now is that it will get better, I'm going to be that pain in the ass who tells you that it will. And even though you are so low and in so much darkness that you can't see which end is 'up' right now; just by taking these small steps, like talking to a social worker to find out your options, determining what kind of federal/state/social aid/programs you qualify for that can provide you with the help you need right now, etc.; will give you a sense of accomplishment- even if it's a small one. But that sense of accomplishment will grow into a sense of pride. And that sense of pride will grow into self-respect. And that sense of self-respect will grow into you wanting to do more for yourself; and into you wanting better for yourself.

    Like others have said- it's a matter of putting one foot in front of the other right now. As hard as it is (and I know it's painful, even); you *have* to do this.

    But trust me when I say, even the smallest steps will make the biggest impact.

    Feel free to PM me.
    Last edited by ReeseTheBeast; Dec. 31, 2012 at 08:39 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by sofa View Post
    tomorrow i wear tight t-shirt that says peaches across my boobs in big orange letters.
    Quote Originally Posted by Katy Watts View Post
    Yes, the world is a strange place. Have a glass of wine.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  4. #84
    Join Date
    Jun. 27, 2005
    Location
    KY
    Posts
    4,474

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    Good morning Iz

    There are lots of us thinking about you.

    ************************
    \"Horses lend us the wings we lack\"


    2 members found this post helpful.

  5. #85
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2006
    Location
    Spruce Grove AB
    Posts
    821

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    Hang in there Iz, please keep us updated, even if it's just to say piss off. I know many, many cother's are thinking of you even if they haven't posted anything.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you are going thru such a rough and crappy time in your life. But if you can just wake up every morning and get out of bed, that's a positive step in the right direction. Baby steps right?

    If you want to talk to someone who will just listen, or offer some words of encouragement you can call me anytime. Day or night. Lots of us have been to hell and back and it's important to talk and vent.

    I'll pm you my phone number, and I hope you will give me yours as well.

    Many, many hugs to you Iz.



  6. #86
    Join Date
    May. 21, 2004
    Location
    N. TX...just N.East of paradise...
    Posts
    2,024

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    OK, so you have a number of things going on. Let me try to lighten a couple of them:

    1. Government agencies want money from someone who has none.....What's the worst that could happen if you told them "I have none?" Jail? Nah....Bills for it with interest every year? Maybe.....if you have none, you'll still have none...govt. is known to annoying. But really, what's the worst?

    2. Dr. bills.....again, no money, folks. I don't have it. Interest accruing or not...Hospital: "I HAVE NO MONEY! See the bankruptcy?" Again, what's the worst they can do? Send more bills? Knock yourself out, hospital...

    3. The man. OK, you gave up yourself to be his...uh...what? You gave up YOURSELF? Take yourself back. You still have you in you. He is gone. Men are not everything. They are NOT EVERYTHING! NO matter what picture you built up about it, that is fact. Come back to that and you find YOURSELF again.

    4. The farm. Partly his responsibility? Then give it to him. You even said yourself staying there pains you with memories. Settle your horses and your boarders, and go. Even if it's first to a shelter. Regroup, lighten your load, and see where you can go. People become homeless EVERY DAY! It's not a sin, or a scarlet letter. Near where I live, there's an excellent one that helps singles or families get back on their feet. I think I'll be volunteering there real soon.

    5. Father. Well, family sometimes isn't the strength we need. Just because they're blood doesn't make them able to help, or even want to. At least yours is not abusive.

    So what I read is that, because 'the man' is gone from under your love umbrella, everything else is undoable. If he was still there, would they be doable? They'd be the same. Just get em done. Shed your burdens.

    Life is often a challenge. We as a society have been fed this idyllic picture of what it SHOULD be like for those of us smart/attractive/loved enough. It's a lie. We all have our own issues and challenges. It ain't a Vanity Fair magazine.

    Now, buck up there, little cowgirl, find your grit, love yourself NO MATTER WHAT, and don't be mean to yourself! You matter.
    "As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use."- William James
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Proud member of the Wheat Loss Clique.


    7 members found this post helpful.

  7. #87
    Join Date
    Dec. 7, 2006
    Location
    Spruce Grove AB
    Posts
    821

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    Where are you located Iz? Maybe one of us cother's can come bring you a nice hot meal, or help you with other things, maybe just talk??

    Do you have a paypal addy? Or somewhere, where we can send you a dribble or two? I can bet you that are a few of us willing to do so. Please let us know, ok?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  8. #88
    Join Date
    Jan. 2, 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    234

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    go to the hospital right now and tell them what you have told us.
    get a break until you can face things.
    other folks have made it through and ended up happy, and you can too.
    it will get better. it may be different and you may not expect how things turn out, but it will be better.



  9. #89
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    11,725

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    OP- if you truly feel that you would be better off dead, then maybe you could consider throwing caution to the wind, and going on donor sites (After talking to a DR about HRT), and trying to find people looking for living donors who are a match for a piece of lung, bone marrow, or a kidney. If you were a match, you could save a life, and give your life meaning. Meeting someone who is terminally ill without getting a transplant, and then risking your life to help them be able to have a life might help you realize just how precious it is. You wouldn't be dealing with the fear of dying during the transplant, since you are contemplating it now, and you might feel very differently once you see what good you can accomplish by being alive.

    Everything in your life right now that is bad is temporary. The IRS, the farm, the ex boyfriend, etc. You will be amazed that when you are not looking for someone special, you will suddenly find them. And no one is guaranteed a certain number of years together. Tragic things happen, and spouses are lost. But everything eventually gets better.

    Suicide will not end your feelings of pain. I am not religious, but spiritual, and believe that the whole point of being here in a physical form is to learn/progress/love. It's much easier to learn life lessons, and improve yourself/your soul if you have a physical form. In the afterlife you would still feel the same pain, but just have to deal with it emotionally, with no way to physically do things that would make it easier. Google "George Anderson reason for living" . He explains it much better.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  10. #90
    Join Date
    Feb. 5, 2010
    Posts
    2,247

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    Um...telling a depressed person to donate her organs? She has already been through hell and back in the medical world. She's mentally and physically scarred from that--the poor thing doesn't need to be put through more surgery and pain. I've had 3 surgeries and, let me tell you, every single one was pure hell.

    OP, I hope you find peace and learn to love yourself, imperfections and all. You seem like a bright spark of life--I hope you will see that and feed it. You're going through one hell of a dark time, but there is always hope. Please get some appropriate help, both for yourself and all the humans and animals that love you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #91
    Join Date
    Dec. 31, 2000
    Location
    El Paso, TX
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    11,725

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frizzle View Post
    Um...telling a depressed person to donate her organs? She has already been through hell and back in the medical world. She's mentally and physically scarred from that--the poor thing doesn't need to be put through more surgery and pain. I've had 3 surgeries and, let me tell you, every single one was pure hell.

    .
    No, telling them to talk to a DR first about HRT, then consider it, if after getting that straightened out, she still feels like her life has no meaning or purpose. Bone marrow donation is not that intrusive, yet can save a life. If someone has rationally made a decision to die, then finding a reason to live, by helping someone else live, can change their mind. Talking to someone that is terminally ill, and would give anything for more time, can change someone's outlook regarding the value of life. They won't let someone mentally ill donate organs, so if the OP was not of sound mind, they wouldn't be allowed to donate. I just happen to believe that if someone is ready to die (and not mentally ill), they might as well try to do anything to find the purpose in life.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  12. #92
    Join Date
    Feb. 5, 2010
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    2,247

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    Just want to make the point that someone who is physically healthy but wants to die is NOT mentally healthy. Will leave the rest for PMs, but I think that's a very important point.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #93
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
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    66

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    Thank you, once again, to all of you for your kind and proactive thoughts...last night was really, really hard. I had to work, and my coworkers were talking about how quiet I was. I got through it, and have to work again today. At least there is money to be made!

    First off, I am an organ donor. I do not know how that will play out, but I thought I'd mention it. My thyroid was checked- and thanks- but it was normal.

    I got a delightful email from my father last night. Basically, you need to dump everything, and now. You have no other options.

    The comments about the debt are spot on except that I have no way to rebuild from here. No credit- heck, the utilities are even in his name. If I were to move, I could not even get those in my name, currently.

    I am calling the shipper tomorrow to make arrangements to get the loves of my life sent to a dear friend. She isn't thrilled, but she will take wonderful care of them. I am altering my will so that several others will go to a friend of mine with the means to take care of them. I have to scedule euthing a couple who will not find homes. It is going to take a couple of weeks for all of this to get done, no doubt.

    This morning, when I was feeding, I was reflecting on home much I love this place, and how much the work we did together here meant to me. It is strange what owning your own piece of dirt can make you feel, and stranger still to contemplate losing that.

    I understand how many of you feel about someone contemplating the end of their days. However, I think we each have our own threshold of what we can bear. No one can dictate that for you. Anti-depressants might make that all seem a bit less challenging, but they will not change the reality of the mess. My options will not improve- they'll just look less awful, perhaps. Perhaps not.

    At the end of the day, all of you have been so very kind and thoughtful to reach out. But at the end of my day, I am alone in this. That has been a devastating part of the reality of him leaving. He always had my back. Or so I thought.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #94
    Join Date
    Oct. 12, 2005
    Location
    Va
    Posts
    2,149

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    Good morning Iz. It's a new day and a new year. Every mornimg you wake up is a new opportunity.

    I've been where you are now, sans the IRS. I wanted it all to be over. Every morning I woke up, I pretty much said crap, I'm still here. I dodn't want to go on without my husband. He didn't walk oit on me, he died, but he'sjust as gone - even more so. Can't call him in a pinch to borrow a car, help fix the fence or get advice.

    Believe it or not,there are people a lot worse off than you. Sometimes it helps to be confronted with that. If you look around,you might actually find you're not as bad off as you think.

    It won't be easy and you will have many painful days. But that will be just a small fraction of the pain and devastation you would cause those aroumd you if you did something really stupid. So girl, get thee to the doc and get some help!



  15. #95
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

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    Thanks for your kind words.

    My ex tried to tell me that he knows how I feel. I think that we all believe that we can put ourselves into anothers shoes, and feel what they are going through.

    But the truth is, we can't. As I said, everyone has a threshold. Mine is not yours, and vice versa. As an analogy, I am not going to tell you what God, if any, you should believe in, and why yours is not as good as mine. These are beliefs, and you have what you feel, and what makes you comfortable. Having someone- anyone- tell me that it will get better simply pisses me off, at this point. The past two years have been a slide into this moment, and it is indescribably painful and constantly wrenching and awful.

    The ex's father died some years before we met. He was very, very close to his father, and tried to use that analogy on me. First off, gee whiz- the worst thing that ever happened to you, and you want to tell me that you knowingly inflicted this on me? Thanks! But the reality of it is that when his father died, he did not chose to leave him. He did not chose to dump him off, in favor of someone else. He didn't lie to him. He died.

    I don't look at each day as "gee whiz! I made it!", as I did right after I got out of the hospital two years ago, I look at is as "OK, this is one of the last ones I will have to suffer through."

    My father left my mother when I was a teenager. I know, for a fact, that I never, ever got over that. It was something I discussed with the ex may, many times over the years. It is also the reason that I will not leave without making sure that what I love is as safe as I can make them. I can intellectually understand all of the issues surrounding my parents breakup, but, at the end of the day, we are all the sum of what our experiences have made us.



  16. #96
    Join Date
    Jun. 27, 2005
    Location
    KY
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    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    Thank you, once again, to all of you for your kind and proactive thoughts...last night was really, really hard. I had to work, and my coworkers were talking about how quiet I was. I got through it, and have to work again today. At least there is money to be made!
    Thumbs up for making it to work. That was probably a challenge in itself.


    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post

    The comments about the debt are spot on except that I have no way to rebuild from here. No credit- heck, the utilities are even in his name. If I were to move, I could not even get those in my name, currently.
    I am assuming you have a checking account?
    Talk to your bank regarding getting a credit card with a low limit. $ 300 maybe.
    Use that credit card for everything, up to that limit, and make sure you keep the payments up.
    You will find that you can establish credit quite nicely doing it that way.

    Regarding utilities check with your county if they can offer some help with that. I don't know what they'd call it, but I am sure you can find out.


    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    This morning, when I was feeding, I was reflecting on home much I love this place, and how much the work we did together here meant to me. It is strange what owning your own piece of dirt can make you feel, and stranger still to contemplate losing that.
    Who owns the property?

    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    Anti-depressants might make that all seem a bit less challenging, but they will not change the reality of the mess. My options will not improve- they'll just look less awful, perhaps. Perhaps not.
    No they won't change the mess, but, they will not only keep you in a less emotional state, but also get your strength back to move forward and upward.
    I have seen people do amazing things once they got 'their fight' back.

    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    But at the end of my day, I am alone in this.
    And that is where you are wrong. There a many who have been there, done that and have the T-Shirt. And they are out there to give you a helping hand.
    Please reach out and allow yourself to be helped.


    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    That has been a devastating part of the reality of him leaving. He always had my back. Or so I thought.
    Well, now it's time to show the world that you won't give up and you can rise above that.

    Hugs to you this morning from all of us who are pulling for you!

    ************************
    \"Horses lend us the wings we lack\"



  17. #97
    Join Date
    Jan. 18, 2011
    Posts
    40

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    Bryndewinesfarm@gmail.com


    520 Byers Road
    Chester Springs, PA 19425
    (610) 637-1806


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #98
    Join Date
    Apr. 4, 2006
    Location
    An American Living In Ireland
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    5,658

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    I don't participate much here anymore and only found this thread. OP, your last post was a little disturbing to me. It sounds like you've made a decision to clear things up to not be here anymore..

    Please don't. I really can't say anything better than the other wonderful people on this thread have. I do really think you need to try HRT before just giving up. You are right about thresholds. There is only so much of us can take. Most of us don't know our limit. However, if and when I hit mine, I think I'm gonna have to redraw the line with every fibre of my being. I wish that for you. I hope that for you.

    You may not want to hear this but I think you seem to have a lot to be proud of. Yes you are struggling terribly at the moment. I cannot know how you feel. But please look around. May not change anything, but maybe something you keep looking past will just ignite one tiny spark. Maybe just maybe it may help.

    I know I only have stupid words and to be fair, I'm quite useless in writing how I feel really. I am just feeling quite sad at the moment for someone who is hurting so badly. I want to make it better for you but I know I can't.

    PM me if you wish. Leave your number. I can call if it will help. Sending big hugs.

    Terri
    COTH, keeping popcorn growers in business for years.

    "I need your grace to remind me to find my own." Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars. This line reminds me why I have horses.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  19. #99
    Join Date
    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    Ok OP, you know what?

    I've participated in suicide reviews. I know the stats on how few suicides are essentially "preventable" and how many are not.

    If this is some kind of prolonged goodbye and you've made up your mind, if nothing people say here will change it, do you think posting here is good for people? You have a lot of people very worried, a lot of people hurting. If you do kill yourself, all posting here will have accomplished is leaving a lot of other previously uninvolved people with pain, and possibly with guilt.

    Doesn't really apply if you are reaching out for help, but your updates seem to indicate otherwise.


    13 members found this post helpful.

  20. #100
    Join Date
    Jan. 7, 2009
    Location
    New Zealand
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    198

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    Quote Originally Posted by Coanteen View Post
    Ok OP, you know what?

    I've participated in suicide reviews. I know the stats on how few suicides are essentially "preventable" and how many are not.

    If this is some kind of prolonged goodbye and you've made up your mind, if nothing people say here will change it, do you think posting here is good for people? You have a lot of people very worried, a lot of people hurting. If you do kill yourself, all posting here will have accomplished is leaving a lot of other previously uninvolved people with pain, and possibly with guilt.

    Doesn't really apply if you are reaching out for help, but your updates seem to indicate otherwise.
    + 1


    4 members found this post helpful.

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