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  1. #41
    Join Date
    Sep. 26, 2011
    Location
    WNC
    Posts
    646

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    1) I used to think that suicide was a reasonable alternative for those who chose it... until I knew of two people who did it. The grief and the guilt that they left behind for their families and friends - everyone who knew them and yes, loved them, was so overwhelming it changed my mind on suicide forever. Don't do that - it is not hurting "only yourself." It leaves very big, never-ending holes for a lot of people who will suffer for the rest of their lives and don't deserve to.
    2) You say your BF was "your whole world." BS. YOU are your whole world; only you have the power to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do whatever you need to to work your way out of the whole mess you've found yourself in. I'm very sorry for your situation, nobody deserves all that piled together, but understand that you really can turn it around by taking one step at a time, like everyone has been saying. Will it be devastatingly hard? Yes, but it can be done. YOU CAN DO IT.
    3) As others have said, you have already come through a lot - two potential near-death experiences - and you're still ticking. You are stronger than you think. If you manage horses, run a farm, and do rescue work you have to be - therefore, you are. You need to do what everyone who faces problems has to do: pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move on.

    I'm sorry this sounds so tough - but tough is what you need to be right now. Make yourself a to do list for the things you know you need to do, and the things people have suggested that sound do-able to you. There is not a single thing on your list that's completely insurmountable and there is help out there if you look for it. One step at a time. Help yourself. Take pride in every single little To Do that you can check off. You are at the bottom now but what you need to do is start climbing. Please consider this a kick in the ass from someone who wishes you all the best and believes that you can achieve it.
    It's just grass and water till it hits the ground.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  2. #42
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

    Default

    Well, today was tough. First off, I would like to thank those of you who are so incredibly kind, and generous with your time to try and help. Your suggestions do make sense, even if I am just tired and depressed, and not being the me that I was, or should be.

    This morning, I discovered who the ex is now seeing, and it was a kick in the gut. Not a surprise, but a kick. The woman is someone who takes ballroom dance lessons where he does- and has- for the past several years. I met her when I went to the Christmas party there, right after I got out of the hospital, and I have chatted with her several times since, at various functions. I had told him that I believed he would wind up with someone from there, and that I had been foolish to support his intense interest in dancing. But, it seemed the right thing to do, and he told me all the time how much he appreciated my support. Great. Oh well! Just another brick in the wall.

    The reality is that unless I can find a way to work with him to keep the farm, I cannot keep it. It is in his best interest, as well, because currently the farm is not wirth the mortgage, and he owns another property, which, he has been advised that the bank will be happy to come after for the deficiency. So, unless he decides to try and work together, we both go down. My credit is screwed, because of the bankruptcy, but he sports the highest cerdit score that the car dealer where we got the car that he bought-- supposedly for both of us-- early this year. Not something he wants to lose. What a freaking mess!!

    The weather here is awful, and I will try to work on a list, and assess my options, but I am feeling pretty blue this evening.

    Once again- thanks to all of you. You offer your best advice to someone you have never met, but support as part of your community- that makes you all pretty special.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #43
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    45

    Default

    Hello Again,

    Just wanted to say, that despite your discovery today about the EX...................you do sound a bit better!
    You survived Christmas, and remember............there will be more Xmas's and they will likely be much better.

    Regarding the EX......write him off emotionally, but see if you two can work as business partners only, if you really are set on keeping this farm. Otherwise...........try to get yourself a lawyer, and draw up some sort of plan. I am sure that after living commomlaw with this man for years, you must have some sort of ''right'', similar to divorce matters????
    It may make you feel a bit better, to get angry now.
    Remember it is time to look after yourself first and foremost.

    You must have a big heart since you have been involved with horse rescues. I can assure you that many of us women seek comfort from animals ( instead of men) because they love us back unconditionally.
    If you need to talk.............you can PM my anytime!

    So glad that you are back online reading and posting...........let your self heal, and know there are many of us that do care and have been where you are.



  4. #44
    Join Date
    Jun. 27, 2005
    Location
    KY
    Posts
    4,474

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    No update as of late and I am a bit worried.

    OP please let us know that you are hanging in there.

    ************************
    \"Horses lend us the wings we lack\"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  5. #45
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2011
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    1,297

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by luvmytbs View Post
    No update as of late and I am a bit worried.

    OP please let us know that you are hanging in there.
    Bump



  6. #46
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2010
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    417

    Default

    Yes, OP. Please check in... we're worried about you!



  7. #47
    Join Date
    Dec. 8, 2002
    Location
    Fort Collins, CO
    Posts
    3,329

    Default

    Hey there-
    Hope you check in...and PM if you need to. I don't check in often, but will be for the next few days... Hope you are okay.

    It's been a horrid few years for me, too. I am lucky, as i was able to get back into school, and am now a PA. My job is tough, and it's a hellova learning curve, but thus far, I am doing okay. Divorce looming (He filed the day before christmas after I had been waiting to file as he asked me to...what he wanted was for me to wait so he could do his scheming... ugh...) but other than that, I am glad...but exhausted.

    I work with the mental health patients in our ED...you're right- it's horrid...and the entire job is to patch and ship.... and if it's a normal person that has hit rock bottom, and does not abuse the system, it's awful. I am sorry you ended up there. No place for a person who really has had their entire world rocked as yours has been.

    Hope you check in soon...

    <<hugs>>
    I have too many ponies but love 'em all!

    http://foxview-farm.blogspot.com/



  8. #48
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

    Default

    I want to thank all of you for your concern. It is strange to reach out into the cyberworld, and find such kindness and understanding for a stranger. I wish I could see my way through all of this, but the truth is I can't.

    I have been working the past few days, at my job that I really am unhappy in, watching very happy people with their partners, and families, enjoying the holidays. Tomorrow night I will be reminded that last year, I busted my butt to get done with work (seasonal, and busy) in time to be at the dance studio to give him a New Years kiss, and dance with him. Someone else will have that pleasure, this year.

    I can't seem to take this a piece at a time, and to quote my most recent shrink "You've had an entire building fall on you!". Yes, quite.

    I've got some things sorted to try and get some horses sent to homes, some euth'd, and I am thinking that I will put a couple in my will, which necessitates a re-write, and give them to a person who I know has the wherewithal, and will care for them in my absence.

    Ironically, this is a person I had reached out to when he first left, and her immediate response was to send me an email that was short and sweet, "****, I am very, very scared for you". I asked her why, and she flat told me that when she read my email, she knew that I would be looking to end it all. I've known her for 30 years, but we only speak once or twice a year. But she knew. I was initially shocked. I am sure she will not take the horses if I simply try to get her to take them right now, but she knows them, and will give them a great home, when they need one.

    The boarders will be able to stay on for awhile, and I am making arrangements to have some of them feed, so they know the routine. It won't be hard for them to step in, and care for their own, and what needs to get to their new homes.

    I hurt all of the time. I feel empty, and hollow, and there is nothing out there that I want to achieve. I've been very, very lucky in my life to have done some truly awesome things professionally, and with the horses. Some of the things I've done will carry through and continue to do good things. I met the man of my dreams, my best friend, my rock, and I loved him as best I was able, but I faltered. I do not want anyone else, and I know that he and I will never be together again. Sometimes it is just enough. Actually, sometimes, it is too much.

    Hug your loved ones- and never, ever, ever, take anyone or anything for granted. Be the best you that you can be, every day, with those who matter most.

    I've got to take the time to set everything in motion, but I wanted to let you guys know that you are incredibly kind, and those you love are blessed.



  9. #49
    Join Date
    Mar. 23, 2005
    Location
    SF Bay Area
    Posts
    2,541

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    Iz, please call a trusted friend.

    Your last post describing your will, disposition of your horses "when they need one," and your plans for your boarders sounds too much like a plan for your exit. Please don't do anything rash - talk to someone who can listen and support you.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  10. #50
    Join Date
    Oct. 9, 2007
    Location
    Central NJ
    Posts
    984

    Default

    Please call a friend.........



  11. #51
    Join Date
    Dec. 8, 2002
    Location
    Fort Collins, CO
    Posts
    3,329

    Default

    OP...

    PLEASE PM me...or someone.... yes this is an online forum, but we are a community, where hopefully you can get some support you deserve....
    I have too many ponies but love 'em all!

    http://foxview-farm.blogspot.com/



  12. #52
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    10,952

    Default

    ((hugs))

    Listen, it DOES GET BETTER. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it does. I sat on my kitchen floor one night in a corner. I'd been beaten and raped, i was so TIRED. I called up my best girlfriend back home because I just couldn't even find the strength to open up a danged phone book and find help.

    She set it up for me. The very next day, I saw a doc, he got me meds and within WEEKS, I was better!!!

    You just need help. GET IT. Do you need help? Do you want someone to line it up for you? There are people here willing to do that. Me included. All I need is your location via PM and I will find you someone. Tomorrow.
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    2 members found this post helpful.

  13. #53
    Join Date
    Jun. 27, 2005
    Location
    KY
    Posts
    4,474

    Default

    OP your update isn't really the update we were hoping for. You know that, don't you!

    There isn't one person out there who is worth taking one owns life over. Not a one. And somewhere down the road you WILL agree with that whole heartedly.
    And you WILL look back and slap yourself on the forehead for letting something/someone drag you down that far.

    Look at it this way: You spent 19 years with the person of your dreams. NINETEEN years. And you weren't even married.
    I can't think of anyone who can claim an accomplishment like that.

    You should be proud.

    Neither you nor your circumstances have absolutely anything to do with the fact that you are no longer together.

    Nineteen years girl! Awesome.

    Most of us can only dream of a relationship that lasts that long, even being married.

    There are plenty, and I am sure on this board as well, who have felt the way you feel right now and took the challenge of working through the sadness and the misery of surviving a big blow such as yours. It's not easy.

    But the moment you succeed in working through it - and you will - it's like the sun has never been so bright and beautiful.

    You will have more energy than ever before, will want to hug the world and you will have the power to kick butt in all you want to accomplish then.

    I hope you will come here and let us help you through that black hole you are in right now.

    It's only a temporary black hole. That we can all assure you of!

    Hugs and more hugs coming from Kentucky.

    ************************
    \"Horses lend us the wings we lack\"


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #54
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    In Trouble with Dad...
    Posts
    29,961

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    go see your friends.
    Any of them.
    They care for you, they love you!

    Don't be alone.

    Tomorrow is just another day. But it could be the day when things turn around for you. You do not want to miss it!
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  15. #55
    Join Date
    Jan. 11, 2010
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    417

    Default

    OP, Please get some help. You are stronger than you think. Before you do something drastic and permanent, think of the people and animals you will leave behind who will be heartbroken. Get some medication - it works wonders for depression. People will help you with your money issues. You can get a new job eventually. You WILL find love again. There is so much to live for... how about all the other people you could help, too. It is amazing how helping other people can really turn your perspective around.



  16. #56
    Join Date
    Jun. 14, 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    10,952

    Default

    Worth bumping. Where are you, OP?!?
    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


    1 members found this post helpful.

  17. #57
    Join Date
    Jan. 22, 2012
    Location
    Paradise
    Posts
    16

    Default

    (((HUGS)))))

    Please be careful not to use a permanent solution to what is probably a temporary problem

    many people look back at their darkest days from wonderful positions and are really glad that they made it through

    I hope this is the case for you, sometimes our biggest trials make us the people we need to be

    Please reach out and find someone you can be open and honest with and work through this

    and more (((HUGS)))


    1 members found this post helpful.

  18. #58
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

    Default

    Well, to add to the days festivities, I got called off rom work. Just another brick in the wall. I want to thank you guys for the PMs, as well. Very, very kind. I have opened a very decent bottle of a red blend- primarily red zin, and I am going to try and work on the horses files tonight. I want to make sure that anything about their personalities or health, etc. and all of the correct paperwork is pulled together.

    If you had told me that I would be feeling this way prior to the last straw (his leaving) I would have told you that you were flat crazy. I am one of those folks who just has never been smart enough to quit. I have always believed that I could find a way through, around, or over every problem. However, this isn't just a problem. It is a whole clusterf***.

    To recap- not that I expect to convince you guys of anything, but just to reduce this to writing...and in no particular order of importance.

    1. I have the IRS wanting six figures from me.

    2. I have enormous debt above and beyond this including hospital bills from two years ago, and the new ones that I am sure to be seeing from my latest adventure.

    3. I have no way to hold onto this farm, and every dime I have ever made was used to buy it, build it, and keep it going. It is not worth the mortgage, but that is a problem that he will have to deal with later on. In addition, there are some substantial issues with plumbing, flooring, etc, that keep it from being rentable, or even being partially rentable- like a room. Neither of us is in any position to put anything into fixing this stuff.

    4. Any income I derive from my boarders goes to take care of the whole gang, but I can't make enough to pay the mortgage, etc.

    5. I no longer have a career, and my part time job is simply pitiful. I do not currently have the ability (due to emotions and depression) to actually represent myself to anyone to go back into a real job. Further, any bit of stress seems to set me off, and I become confuzzled. I work very hard at trying to stay **even**, because otherwise, I spiral, and that usually winds up with me sobbing.

    6. I do not own a vehicle. I am currently driving the exes cars- one of which was purchase for me to drive last year (I picked it out, negotiated it, and had my very favorite pin stripe put on it!) It is a four wheel drive SUV, and we share it. He left it with me this weekend, because he knows I am crazed by the prospect of being stuck. He wass supposed to take it to visit his son, and actually offered to leave me his pickup (also four wheel) in case I needed it. This, sadly, makes me feel even more of the loss of the relationship. I am pathetic enough to feel like a welfare case.

    7. The entire situation is unsustainable. I cannot keep using his car, I cannot stay here, and I have no where to go.

    8. I am tired, and sad, and just want to stop having to feel this way all of the time. I have absolutely no ambitions, whatsoever, and I am the kind of person who has always had something else to accomplish. Not anymore. I just do not give a damn.

    I feel silly, and strange explaining this. None of it is remotely fixable, and I am aware of that. All together, it is just a huge mess, waiting to fall on top of me. I am keeping one foot in front of the other, trying to make arrangements for the horses, because that is simply what I have always done. I don't know anything other than making sure that they are OK, but the sadness of knowing that the day that they will be gone is creeping up on me, and threatening to choke me, as well. The losses are just piling up.



  19. #59
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    In Trouble with Dad...
    Posts
    29,961

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    Well, to add to the days festivities, I got called off rom work. Just another brick in the wall. I want to thank you guys for the PMs, as well. Very, very kind. I have opened a very decent bottle of a red blend- primarily red zin, and I am going to try and work on the horses files tonight. I want to make sure that anything about their personalities or health, etc. and all of the correct paperwork is pulled together.

    If you had told me that I would be feeling this way prior to the last straw (his leaving) I would have told you that you were flat crazy. I am one of those folks who just has never been smart enough to quit. I have always believed that I could find a way through, around, or over every problem. However, this isn't just a problem. It is a whole clusterf***.

    To recap- not that I expect to convince you guys of anything, but just to reduce this to writing...and in no particular order of importance.

    1. I have the IRS wanting six figures from me.

    2. I have enormous debt above and beyond this including hospital bills from two years ago, and the new ones that I am sure to be seeing from my latest adventure.

    3. I have no way to hold onto this farm, and every dime I have ever made was used to buy it, build it, and keep it going. It is not worth the mortgage, but that is a problem that he will have to deal with later on. In addition, there are some substantial issues with plumbing, flooring, etc, that keep it from being rentable, or even being partially rentable- like a room. Neither of us is in any position to put anything into fixing this stuff.

    4. Any income I derive from my boarders goes to take care of the whole gang, but I can't make enough to pay the mortgage, etc.

    5. I no longer have a career, and my part time job is simply pitiful. I do not currently have the ability (due to emotions and depression) to actually represent myself to anyone to go back into a real job. Further, any bit of stress seems to set me off, and I become confuzzled. I work very hard at trying to stay **even**, because otherwise, I spiral, and that usually winds up with me sobbing.

    6. I do not own a vehicle. I am currently driving the exes cars- one of which was purchase for me to drive last year (I picked it out, negotiated it, and had my very favorite pin stripe put on it!) It is a four wheel drive SUV, and we share it. He left it with me this weekend, because he knows I am crazed by the prospect of being stuck. He wass supposed to take it to visit his son, and actually offered to leave me his pickup (also four wheel) in case I needed it. This, sadly, makes me feel even more of the loss of the relationship. I am pathetic enough to feel like a welfare case.

    7. The entire situation is unsustainable. I cannot keep using his car, I cannot stay here, and I have no where to go.

    8. I am tired, and sad, and just want to stop having to feel this way all of the time. I have absolutely no ambitions, whatsoever, and I am the kind of person who has always had something else to accomplish. Not anymore. I just do not give a damn.

    I feel silly, and strange explaining this. None of it is remotely fixable, and I am aware of that. All together, it is just a huge mess, waiting to fall on top of me. I am keeping one foot in front of the other, trying to make arrangements for the horses, because that is simply what I have always done. I don't know anything other than making sure that they are OK, but the sadness of knowing that the day that they will be gone is creeping up on me, and threatening to choke me, as well. The losses are just piling up.
    Nothing is unfixable.
    Get the living creatures squared away, see how you can settle the farm issue without tearing the credit rating down for the ex.

    Then you see a lawyer about your financial situation. Even the IRS knows, there is no blood to squeeze out of a turnip.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mozart View Post
    Personally, I think the moderate use of shock collars in training humans should be allowed.



  20. #60
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2011
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    1,297

    Default

    Yeah, nothing, NOTHING is unfixable, except death.

    Please, please, please, do not take that step. Call a friend please. If things are this close, call 911.


    2 members found this post helpful.

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