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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Aug. 6, 2002
    Location
    NJ, USA
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    2,323

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    I was pretty much rock bottom 3 yrs ago - somewhat similar to your situation except for the breakup with BF - but having no significant other at all meant I was quite on my own. Even had the IRS knocking on the door problem.

    Like others have said, all you can do is take it one day at a time, and try not to face all your problems, all together at once. It helped me to make a list - at that point I had 23 horrible problems, any one of which could destroy me if it went wrong or couldn't be recovered from - I called it my "House of Cards" List.

    It seemed insurmountable at the time, but just getting up each day, and trying, was the key. I kept thinking of that country song lyrics "When you're going through Hell, keep on going, don't look back, you might get through 'fore the devil even knows you're there". That's what it felt like!

    So, list out your problems, including details of each problem related to ex, and rank them according to 1) can anything be done to fix this now? 2) how important compared to my other problems is this to fix now?

    Then take the problems you feel can possibly be fixed now, rank them 1,2,3 based on how quickly you could solve them, and take aim on #1. Just taking baby steps, fixing even little annoyance type things, will help you feel a tiny bit more in control of your life again.

    And the list will make it clear what you can NOT do anything to fix, now, and for those you need to accept & just try to "float" by, day by day, hour by hour.

    Seek help, there are a lot of good forums on internet of people struggling right now, and a lot of good books to help gain perspective, look for older books that you can buy for a few bucks on Amazon.

    (((Hugs))) don't give up. keep trudging along. You'll get to a better place eventually.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

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    Windsor1...I am glad that you found something in there. Please PM me if you'd like to share.

    I loathe feeling like this. At night, it is the worst, because my home is a place that he and I literally built, together. When I am alone here, I am simply haunted. I am a bit better in the barn, because of the horses, but we built that, together, also. This place was a love story that we built together. Every dime I have ever made went into it- and, it is now not worth the mortgage. I cannot stay on the farm alone, even if I could afford to. I do not have anywhere to go, and I could not afford to board even one of the horses. I do have boarders- bless them!- who are really great folks. I work part time, and I am scraping to take care of everyone. They look wonderful- believe me- and are not wanting for a thing.

    I write at night. I feel better expressing what I feel. When I am at work, however, watching happy couples during this holiday season, it just guts me. I do not have the energy or interest to try and find a new line of work, and I simply cannot go back to what I used to do. There is no money in horses.

    For some reason, I need to share my grief with him, of all people. There is no road back for us, I do understand. It takes two to tango. But, oh man do I just wish I could turn back the clock. I know we all have those times. I used to believe that the human condition was uniform- we all go through the same kinds of things, and feel the same kinds of pain. But, when you are the one who is in it, it really is different, isn't it?



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Nov. 2, 2001
    Location
    Packing my bags
    Posts
    33,287

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    but Sweet:
    I know it does not look like ti at the moment, from your vantage point:
    You are one incredible lucky woman!
    You have friends who care, who love you.
    Enough to call the ambulance on you.

    The sun will shine for you again!
    I am sure of it.

    And you are not alone. we are here for you!
    Quote Originally Posted by fargaloo View Post
    Do you not understand how asking "why now?" is EXACTLY part of the reason why assault victims feel silenced?


    6 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Nov. 1, 2007
    Location
    ....in a classroom in Fl, by the ocean
    Posts
    3,954

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    be strong.

    you can do it.

    the sun will rise again tomorrow, I promise.

    we will support you so do not be afraid to ask for help.

    you will get through this.

    jingles for you.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun. 7, 2002
    Posts
    1,214

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    I'm not the litigous type but have you spoken to an attorney about a medical malpractice suit? You may be very near the statute of limitations for med mal in your state.

    You should also look into applying for a hardship withdrawal on your 401k if you have one.

    Hugs...I hope 2013 is a lot better for you.
    \"Non-violence never solved anything.\" C. Montgomery Burns



    3 members found this post helpful.

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Aug. 18, 2002
    Posts
    441

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    Izaa, folks here care deeply about you and are concerned. One enough to pm me and ask me to add to your thread. In their remarkable way, COTHers have offered you amazing advice. Take it, please, even if it feels awkward and like too much.

    I’m always a bit loth to quote myself but here’s what I wrote in an earlier post on another thread: http://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/sh...our-life/page2

    I’ll add for you that I’ve also lost all my money and horses and have had to live in some for sit places, all the while never letting on at work or church—mostly, I found help in places where I wouldn’t lose too much face. But I did get help. LOTS of it.

    20 years and I’m still in therapy and spiritual direction. I also pay for a clinical supervisor to help me sort out where I can actually be of assistance to people and where I’m just mucking about in my own shit but in their lives, something that’s not good, ultimately, for them or me. I get lots and lots of support. And. I Make. Use. Of. It. That’s the hardest part, fighting my own hubris of intellect and self, of pain and my attachment to my grief.

    Please, get a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. I’m sorry you had a bad experience on the inpatient psych unit near you. Many are wonderful places where folks really get good help. I’m surprised they didn’t release you with a discharge plan. Is there a day psychiatric treatment program associated with the hospital where you received treatment? Most places with an inpatient unit have day treatment as well, or is there one in your community? Also, no money, no insurance, should be no problem, Most communities have federal funds to distribute to make treatment possible for folks in need. Is there a crisis line in your area? Call back to the unit where you were recently hospitalized or the non-emergency number of the local PD and they should have the number if you didn’t receive it.

    I could tell you lots of stories of how folks have overcome horrible circumstances which came into their lived through no fault of their own and how they overcame them.

    Just know it is possible. People can and do remake their lives and themselves from the ruins.

    Please reach out.
    ((((())))) hound


    6 members found this post helpful.

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Aug. 14, 2000
    Location
    Clarksdale, MS--the golden buckle on the cotton belt
    Posts
    18,989

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    I've been there.

    There are two things that have always helped me, although I am NOT religious.

    The only constant in life is change. Hold on to that with everything that you have. Things will never be the same; they may be better (which gives us hope) or they may be worse, but they WILL change. Things are NEVER the same for any of us. Hope and resilience are all we have to face the future. We may be deluded and believe that what we have now is our benchmark, but there really are no benchmarks in life. One just copes. Bad times come with change, but so do good times.

    Which leads to the other mantra: This is the day the Lord has made. Rejoice and be glad in it.

    Not in what you have or haven't, but just that there is a day. And that day will bring change.

    Live in and for the moment. Remember that life is an adventure that is going on as we live it.
    "I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay."
    Thread killer Extraordinaire


    7 members found this post helpful.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Nov. 20, 2010
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    4,334

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    Alter - can't say much to top all the great advice above. Except I want to say that you write so well, you are so easy to understand, and direct. You draw others in. You definitely have a gift. Don't forget your gifts - what you have been able to do. Journalling does help, and helps as a reminder of what happened to you - enables you to keep the facts straight, and justify why things are as they are. But by your writing, I can also imagine someone so gifted in what they've done already, that I would suspect down the road your words could well help others.

    And you do not have to be part of a team to have created positive results and good outcomes. Also sounds to me like you're giving the ex almost all the credit. This is a mess you're in, but just wait until you start digging out. You'll realize not what you used to do with him, but what you still can do yourself.

    Give yourself a break - you had a heck of a mess, especially starting with your medical procedure. How does anyone deal with that rationally?!?

    Times are so hard for so many people. I know it may be tough to grab on to a good therapist immediately. But give it a go. Be your own best advocate. And continue to let us know how you're doing.
    Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. Malcolm Forbes


    6 members found this post helpful.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Apr. 9, 2012
    Location
    NYC=center of the universe
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    1,978

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    OP, it is entirely NORMAL to feel the way you do, given what you've been thru. It does SUCK. It's not all your fault. And we all make mistakes.

    What you need is help. You cannot possibly deal with everything on your own.

    IMHO, the first things on your list should be a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist and ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!!! The IDIOT DRs who didn't prescribe them were just wrong. It would be absolutely shocking if you didn't need meds right now. It's OK to need that help. You probably cannot get out of your black hole without medication.

    Once you get that help, everything else will start to become easier.

    I'm so sorry you've been thru all this. Hopefully things get better from here.
    Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


    5 members found this post helpful.

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

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    I want to thank you again for all of your kindness...I just needed someplace to try and share some of my pain today, and you guys are really, really wonderful.

    Today has been tough- last night was awful We used to have Christmas eve to ourselves- we'd make something yummy, curl up and watch a movie. His kids would stop in later on, and we'd have a wonderful evening. Christmas morning, we'd go and visit his grandchildren. Now, I am without that huge warm family. When I was in the hospital, every one of them came to see me. I have cocooned all day- I only went out to take care of the horses. I have one horse in particular who has really been sensitive to me- he was a rescue, and a rogue, and he is now my dearest boy. He reaches out his muzzle to my face, and kisses me. When my father told me I had to get rid of all of them, he did not care what he was asking. He might as well take my soul, right now.

    I wrote this, and sent it to the BF several days ago. It is slightly for the ADULT members- but not overly so. I know that it is mushy, but it is really how I feel. I just was out of it, and his leaving woke me up to the mightmare of my existence.


    "Tonight, I realized the similarities in our parting, instead of the differences.

    I am so dedicated to avoiding any further pain, that I am at peace with letting it all go. After having the ER doctor tell me that I had stopped breathing on the way to the hospital, and that they had trouble getting me to breathe again, I realized that during that time, I felt no fear, no loss, no concern for what I was leaving behind, just quiet and a release from pain. I have realized that I am not the be all and end all to anyone, or anything, and that life can, and will go one with or without me...

    You, it seems, were so convinced that working to try and repair what had been damaged between us was so challenging that it was unsalvageable, and all you wanted **simple**, which, as I translate it, means that you want a fresh slate, a new start and someone who has not seen the depths of your soul, the frailties we all have, the failures we all face, and only will see the best of you. You are a phenomenal person, and there is a wealth of passion to share.That is an amazing and wonderful thing to be able offer to someone. Those moments of opening doors for her, the hours of foreplay on the dance floor, or in the bedroom, or any room at all, the flirtatious glances, the meaningful looks. The beginning of a love affair. And your lovemaking..something that haunts all of my days, and curses all of my nights...

    I claim ownership to our failures- they are so much more mine than yours. I suppose that the part of me that is seething now, with anger at myself for the annihilation of our love affair, our dreams- perhaps only my dreams- and all of what might have been, is really only seeking rest. Time is patient, dreams denied perhaps less so, and love lost least of all.

    Each night flows more slowly than the last and reaches into me, invoking the fears that come with the night, and the storms, and the parched reality of being alone. Alone was never my enemy, until it was my reality.

    I wear my ring again, now. The ring that shows the joining of light and bright. The ring that celebrates my birth. The ring that will be with me until the breath leaves me. Because that is what feels right.

    I have loved this song since I was a child, and this version by an aging Glen Campbell is somehow fitting, but what I love is the line... "and I need you more than want you...and I want you for all time..." That really is what it is for me. I will never know that experience again, in the here and now, but who is to say what is beyond that, for any of us? http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...ail&FORM=VIRE5

    Christmas meant nothing to me, until you. And still I have been so cloistered in my thoughts; so non-expressive in my demeanor. So controlled, never reaching out to where I could have; never reaching into what I had to give. I lived in the seductive halo of your protection, and receded from the world. So damaged by what was wrought from saving what was left of me, that I could not become what was possible for me. Now, no one will ever touch what was left by the decisions made by a surgeon, and approved by a layperson lover. No one will sheath themselves in what is left of the heat and warmth that used to greet- no, truly celebrate- the joining with you. That fullness, and holding. Never again. What is left is owned by the one who saved her, and even he does not want what was left behind.

    I am so sorry for the loss of what should have been. I want every moment that I wasted on frivolity back; I ache to turn every night that I lay alone away in favor of the hope of meshing ourselves and our souls into one. But it will never ever be. First I bruised you, then I broke you. Now, you are so ardent in your wish to prove to me that someone else will be able to give you what I did not, but you need not be. They should know what it is to be so fortunate, those who are blessed to be able to share your passion with you. We are a select handful, and I am, at least, the most careless of us. I hope that my **crime** is recognized by you to be one of ignorance, insecurity and stupidity- but never, ever, ever, for lack of love. That, at least, I have always had in more than full measure.

    Do not hate me for what will never be- those, at least, were your choices as well. When we draw the line in the sand, we erase the possibility for renewal. I created this distance, this chasm that will never be filled. This Fortress Around Your Heart... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qcVtEy6G1Q

    My heart waits to know what peace is. Passion is a memory now, but love is eternal. They are meant to be earned, and to be honored and cherished- not to be frozen and catapulted from our existence. I wait to never be tired or hurt or to keep reliving the mistakes that lead me to this place. I have worked to earn this failure. I own it, and it is mine. "


    2 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    52

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    Warm Hello To you,

    I am in a very similar situation, and I have to tell you that there are many days that I too have felt, too tired to trudge on.
    I lost my home, all my horses, and my last family member died.
    I had no place to go, and had people I trusted - take advantage of my situation, and take the last items of value that I owned.

    That was not rock bottom, as I expected.........my body crashed from all the stress, and I was dianosed with Breast Cancer earlier this month. I am recovering from a full mastectomy, and have no idea what my future holds for treatment options ahead.

    What I am trying to tell you is - that as long as you have the will to take a breath each day, the rest of the bad things will simply become less important.
    You have to give your body, brain and soul a rest now. And yes you must find a doctor that will prescribe an anti-depressant for you ASAP. Don't expect the doctor to have the time to listen to your sad story - keep it simple, tell the doctor you need this help.Right now!

    The medication will help your body and brain begin to heal, and you will be able to let yourself sleep, without toruring yourself with thoughts and regrets all night. You need the sleep to heal right now.
    You are extremely lucky that you still have your farm - a safe place to live right now.
    You could rent the entire house, and keep a room for yourself, or perhaps a suite in the basement or barn. At least this would take care of the mortgage. You do have options.
    Keep your special rescue horses, the others you can find homes for, or even free-lease homes if possible.
    Unburden your self as much as you can right now. You need to heal, and forgive yourself for all the negative thoughts.

    Let go of the boyfriend,and remember if you truely love him, you will want the best for him.............that means letting him go to make his own life happy again. It is very difficult to live with someone who is depressed, and right now you need to look after yourself, and stop the downward spiral.

    It takes a long time to regain your confidence, and health.
    Take each day, one day at a time.
    Remove the negative people from your life, even if it means just simply walking away from that part of your life.
    Once you body starts to heal, your brain and soul will heal as well.
    Life is not easy, but it will go on. There will be a new chapter to your life, and things will change as you heal.
    I too am sitting alone on Christmas, but I am still alive, and that is a small reward!
    I am slowly regaining my strength, and the will to fight my disease.

    Be good to yourself, and take a break from all the stress.Grief passes as time goes by, and you will learn to accept and live with your losses.
    Please go give your horse a hug and take a moment to look outside at nature, and see there are some beautiful things for free.
    Best wishes to you today,
    It is only a day on the calendar, and you can make it thru like any other day.
    Big hugs to you too............


    7 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
    Join Date
    Aug. 30, 2011
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    1,337

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    You are not a bad person. You are a good person. Bad things happen to good people.

    I have a lot of empathy for what you're going through.

    Just do like one day at a time. Wake up every day "what am I going to do today." Don't think about tomorrow or next week or the week after. Just today. All you have to do is get through today. Belive me, this works.


    Social Security Disabilty is an excellent idea. You can most likely get free help for this, either a pro bono attorney through your local legal aid or state bar asscoiation, or possibly through the local law school.

    Look, keep asking for help. Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. No one knows whats up unless you tell them ya know. Keep posting here OK?

    ((HUGS))


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
    Join Date
    Dec. 25, 2012
    Posts
    66

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    CD- big hugs back at you, and you too, Coreene.

    Compared to what you have faced, and are facing, I suppose my issues look like small potatoes.

    I used to explain to people that rescue horses come to us with various kinds of mental issues. The same thing that can make one horse permanently scarred, another will simply shrug off. Some seem to possess a sense of themselves that it so strong, nothing can take it from them.

    I have never been like that. My ex told me, one night when we were out for dinner, that I "had no self-confidence." He was, and is, right. I have a variety of skills- none saleable, and certainly not arguably greater than anyone elses.

    I would not be able to stay on the farm- without putting it into foreclosure, unless the ex had been cleaning out his retirement the past couple of months to keep me here. I didn't know he was doing this until last week. My pro-bono attorney assured me that he had brokered a deal to have my father pay the farm expenses until I could move forward in some fashion. My ex lied to me, telling me that my father was **helping**, so that I would go to the psychiatrist. When the truth came out, my guilt inicreased a hundred fold. This is not sustainable.

    I can remain here, and let the place go into foreclosure, and trash my ex's credit- something that is a major course of pride to him, and rightfully so, or I have to find a way to rehome everyone, and determine what to do with myself. There is nothing simple here. I could be the crazee ex girlfriend, and ride the ship down, and be vindicitive, which is not my way, or put everyone out to the vagueries of the wind and fate, which is mortifying.

    I may be depressed, but I saw a wonderful bit about David Letterman the other night where he said that depression was the ability to see things with absolute clarity. I suppose that means that we only survive by seeing things through the lense we choose-- generally rose colored, apparently.



  14. #34
    Join Date
    Mar. 11, 2007
    Location
    Montana
    Posts
    5,522

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    iz-I mean this with all due respect and tons of helpfulness... but... I hope I choose the right words here...

    It seems to *me* that you might be wallowing in all this.

    I'd take the inspiration that this is obviously giving you and write a book about it. Seriously, I think you could and it would be a good book and cathartic.

    But let your psyche and heart and mind move on...


    6 members found this post helpful.

  15. #35
    Join Date
    Jul. 4, 2006
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    1,447

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    I know this is hard to hear, but maybe it would be best to let go of the farm. As you say, the current situation is not sustainable and it sounds like that farm is currently owning you, in a way. It may ultimately be a relief to you not to have that huge burden, as much as it has been a dream for you. Do you have any horsey friends in the area at all? Someone who might trade some field board for the rescue horse that is closest to your heart?

    The other thing I would say, kind of along the lines of what someone said above: make a list. But instead of a list of the things that are immediately solvable (as nothing may be immediately solvable), make a list of the actionable steps that you can take right now. Even if it is as simple as, find the phone number you need to call for the IRS. Look up The United Way, or local healthcare services. Organize your paperwork. Vow to walk your dogs 20 minutes tomorrow. Break things down into the smallest baby steps necessary. And then take those first positive small steps forward. You would be amazed at how good even the smallest step in the right direction can feel. As you check off each baby step, list the next necessary baby step for each item.
    -Debbie / NH

    My Blog: http://deborahsulli.blogspot.com/


    1 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
    Join Date
    Jul. 4, 2006
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    1,447

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    I know this is hard to hear, but maybe it would be best to let go of the farm. As you say, the current situation is not sustainable and it sounds like that farm is currently owning you, in a way. It may ultimately be a relief to you not to have that huge burden, as much as it has been a dream for you. Do you have any horsey friends in the area at all? Someone who might trade some field board for the rescue horse that is closest to your heart?

    The other thing I would say, kind of along the lines of what someone said above: make a list. But instead of a list of the things that are immediately solvable (as nothing may be immediately solvable), make a list of the actionable steps that you can take right now. Even if it is as simple as, find the phone number you need to call for the IRS. Look up The United Way, or local healthcare services. Organize your paperwork. Vow to walk your dogs 20 minutes tomorrow. Break things down into the smallest baby steps necessary. And then take those first positive small steps forward. You would be amazed at how good even the smallest step in the right direction can feel. As you check off each baby step, list the next necessary baby step for each item.
    -Debbie / NH

    My Blog: http://deborahsulli.blogspot.com/



  17. #37
    Join Date
    Jan. 2, 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    254

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    Get help now.
    Call someone - a friend or 911.
    PM me if you want to talk. I've been there. It does get better.



  18. #38
    Join Date
    Oct. 16, 2011
    Posts
    1,194

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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboymom View Post
    You didn't die TWICE already-you're still tough, always were.
    That is a really good point! You are here for a reason, and things WILL get better. You've rescued horses - you've done a lot of good! It's always darkest before the dawn and you deserve and will find new happiness. I promise.
    *Wendy* 4.17.73 - 12.20.05



  19. #39
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    Dec. 25, 2012
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    66

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    I've been afraid to even make a list, because then the reality will be in black and white. If the emotional mess isn't hard enough, looking at the **real** issues in black and white is just so daunting- but, it makes sense, and I will try.

    I bargain with myself to keep going. Right now, I know that I need to place as many horses as possible- especially the ones that I am really, really close to, so that I can both try to survive financially, at least barely, and make sure that they are safe.



  20. #40
    Join Date
    Apr. 5, 2012
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    663

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    Quote Originally Posted by izanalter View Post
    In the past, I have been described by friends and business associates as "the strongest woman they know".
    You're still that person. You might not see her when you look in the mirror now, but she's still in there, just waiting to show everyone that she's as strong as she ever was. Like Twotrudoc said, you have to take it one damn step at a time. We're here for you, your friends are here for you, and no matter where the horses end up, they'll be there for you too. You can get get through this. No ifs, ands, or buts. You WILL get through this. We believe in you.
    If i smell like peppermint, I gave my horse treats.
    If I smell like shampoo, I gave my horse a bath.
    If I smell like manure, I tripped.


    2 members found this post helpful.

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