Yes, I am using this alter to keep those of you who have known me for the over ten years I've been on here from seeing **me** at this lowest point in my life...looking for some wisdom, random kindness and thoughts on where I am...sorry that this is rambling, and long...
The past three years have been pure hell, and now...
Three year ago, I started having **female** problems that I decided must be related to menopause. Because of them, I pushed back my amazing BF of over 15 years (at that time) and was unable to articulate my reasons for not wanting to be intimate. I loathe Drs, and I just thought it was going to get better. It didn't. Two years ago, after putting him through two weeks of hell, where I really thought I had the flu, I finally gave in, and went to a Dr. He didn't find anything unusual, other than my pain level, but he did blood work. The next morning, they called me, and said to get to an emergency room.
After being diagnosed with ovarian cancer- they also thought it has spread to my colon and kidney- and lymph nodes, etc.- they prepared me foro surgery, and put in a port for the chemo they said I'd need. Ultimately, I ended up having a hysterectomy. They did not find any cancer. The hysterectomy sent me straight into menopause, and no one bothered to mention that little benefit- and I was in a fog about the entire thing, anyway.
I left my career of over 20 years three weeks later. The economy, and the fact that my employers ethics had tanked (which included cancelling my health insurance a year before I finally left) were good reasons, but it left me without any significant income, and the BF and I own the farm together. I had made big money in the career, but I had invested into farm improvements- not savings- and I have rescue horses- too many, and the economy made it tough to rehome them, as well.
My strength returned, but the stress, and surgery, left me with memory issues- some cognitive gaps, and feeling like all I wanted to do was hide on the farm. I kept telling the BF that I was "broken", the only way I could describe my feelings.
Three months after the hospitialization, I declared bankruptcy- I was being hit with the hospital bills, and just could not keep things going. The BF understood, but he is not the kind of person who likes anything to do with lawyers, and lawsuits, and pays every bill on time. Then, he fact that I had not filed taxes for several years came knocking- now I also have a huge tax debt, which I was reminded of in the Christmas eve mail.
Meanwhile, my feelings about my body were not good. I felt- and feel- like a freak that someone created. I have no question that my mental state has been created by the physical, but they are intertwined so tightly, it is hard to see the places where they begin, and end.
Seventeen weeks ago (yes, I am counting), the BF walked out. This was a man who I had loved and adoredm for over 19 years that we had been together. I am completely devastated. I have never, ever felt this kind of grief, and loss. I do not have any close family, and his family- which is large- had become mine. I never knew what Christmas was, until him. Now, the aloneness is just debilitating. I start to sob, and I cannot stop. I've lost 20 pounds. I feel crushed, and physically ill.
I am working to rehome my horses- and although he is trying to help me hold onto the farm, there is no way that I can. I have seen a psychiatrist, yes I do know that I am depressed, but I am not on any meds (didn't recommend any) and at this point, I can't afford the shrink.
My father- who is in a position to help- will not. He has always hated the horses, and feels that it is time for some tough love, and for me to walk away from the farm, the horses- my life, such as it is. He has been here to visit twice- which is two more times than I have ever seen him in the past several years.
The BF started seeing someone three weeks ago, and has told me he sees a future with her. Dispite my pathetic pleas over these past weeks, he was never interested in trying to work things out. It did take his leaving for me to wake up, and see what I had done. I took the love affair of my life, and I broke it into pieces. I have simply lost the will to go on without him, at this point. I need to make sure that my animals are safe. I have never backed down from a challenge in my life, but I feel as though there is nothing for me. If I was able to destroy the relationship that I had dreamed of, with a lover and friend who was everything I could ever have asked for, what is there I would ever want, again? I am frightened of the winter, I do not have any employment prospects of any real substance, and I am financially ruined.
Up. You just go up. You pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get through it one small step at a time. If you have come through all of that, you can make it the rest of the way as well. Take some time to stop, to breathe, to plan, then, to act. It won't be easy, but you can do it. Hugs to you. Don't give up.
Four things greater than all things are-
Women and Horses and Power and War.
No, it is not that there is nothing for you. Don't say that to yourself. It is the darkest hour just before the dawn, and just gotta keep going. Before you know it you will have left a dark place and come into the light.
Things may be very different in the future for you. That may not be a bad thing.
((hugs)) I know it sounds trite and hard to believe, but it WILL get better. You have to hang on to that. And if you have any thoughts even about harming yourself, you need to call 911. That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And sometimes, it sounds good. But it's not. Very very bad.
Not sure where you are, but there are typically free clinics and counseling services or both on sliding fee scales. I think I'd start by trying to get on medication. I'm not a doctor, but you do fit the criteria for depression. http://www.webmd.com/depression/arti...g-dep-symptoms
You don't have to suffer. It's normal to be depressed during the grieving process. Plus you have the hormonal component. So get thee to the vet!!!
Also, HALT. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. Identify your feelings. Consider journaling to get that OUT! Pay attention to what your body is telling you and treat yourself like you'd treat a sick pet. You would take her to the vet. You would try to get your critter to eat and out exercising. You'd make sure she was getting rest. And if things weren't getting better, you'd go back to the drawing board and try something else.
Take care of yourself.
A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.
Sometimes courage is getting out of bed in the morning.
A wonderful prospect?
Not at all.
But we keep on.
Do talk to your doctor about it. Shrink would be helpful, but even a regular doctor can prescribe you some medicine to take some of the gloom off your shoulders.
And there are programs out there that can assist you in financing them.
The sun will rise again in the morning.
And as a friend of mine, always battling depression, explained one day: 'what if tomorrow everything changes and I'd miss it'
She went through 40 years of relative hell before the light in her tunnel wasn't another train.
Oh Alter... I know it is awful but keep trudging through it. Call the IRS and set up a payment plan, and take things one step at a time. This is not all your fault and bad things DO happen to good people, all the time.
As for the long term BF? It takes two to sink that ship... again please stop blaming yourself.
You will make it through and be happy again, I promise.
You go forward, or up, or however you need to think of it, in small measured steps. I am so sorry that this is happening. I do think you have to stop thinking that you destroyed the relationship. It takes two people to make, or break, a relationship. You alone are not "to blame," though I know how easy it is to feel that way when everything is fresh and raw. You are in a terrible place, but that's no reflection on the person you are. It sounds like you've done a lot of right in your life, so remember that.
It is really hard, I know. I'm two years out from breaking up with the (supposed) love of my life. The recency effect can make anyone seem amazing, but with a little time and clarity you remember the other side.
Try writing in a journal, everything you want to say to him or anyone else. I laughed at that idea at first, but it can be really cathartic. Find a theme song, not a break-up song, but one that makes you feel a little inspired and hopeful. Belt it at top volume and see if it doesn't clear the haze for a couple of minutes. I did that too, and it was really silly, but every minute that's happier than sad is huge in the early days.
Hugs to you, really, even if I'm just a stranger. And if you need an actual voice to talk to, I'm willing. Just PM me.
All of the above and also get thee to a Dr and see if hormones or lack thereof are continuing to keep you in a dark pit of despair. Not that you do not have very valid reasons to feel despair at this time in your life but you might need HRT right now to help you remain on an even keel in order to deal with all the stuff going on.
I'm still reeling from the part of the story where you thought you had ovarian cancer which had spread. The awful fear you must have felt going into that surgery. And then afterwards, to have had a full hysterectomy and not have had the cancer? I can only hope that hysterectomy was needed and not done just because they were in there. This this stuff alone must have been horribly traumatic.
sweetheart, IME, it doesn't get 'better'. It won't get 'better', but the fact that you woke up and took a breath means something, doesn't it?
You could have died in surgery, or been hit by a truck by now...but you didn't.
You'll put one foot in front of the other.
You won't know where its going or care why.
You might have given him 1million reasons you are unlovable,
but that's not how love works.
You are here,
you are alive,
and you don't have to DO a thing beyond that to be love-able.
Ditch your Dad too.
Life's too short to be surrounded by un-Supportive folk.
You need new friends and family girl!
I hope you come to see that you deserve better!
un-merry, un-happy Christmas to you !
everything in life, is temporary.
First of all, so sorry you're going through this. Hugs and peace to you.
Since you are currently without income, and having all kinds of health problems, can you find a good attorney who can help you file a claim for Social Security disability? It takes a while, and SS always turns you down the first time, but a good attorney will help you navigate the system and perhaps you can get some temporary benefits.
Rehoming the horses is a good idea. For them; not for you.
Since you are on the farm without BF, can you rent out a portion of your house, and/or maybe stall space? Try to get some income coming in. That in itself is a stress reliever.
Lastly, start facing the facts that you have to come clean with the IRS. But you already know that.
I agree with everyone else. You can get through this, and you will. One day at a time, and one step at a time. Wednesday call the IRS office that's handling your case (the information will be on the form letter) and tell them you need to set up a payment plan. Write the ex off, and find a bankruptcy attorney and proceed as they tell you to. Post the horses on give aways here, if you haven't already. See a good gyn about the hormones, and see what they say, and remember a surgical full hysterectomy is always more severe for menopause, because one day you had natural hormones, and the next day you were at zero. Just the hormone levels can cause awful withdrawl and adjustment problems.
If the BF left after that, then he was probably planning to stay til after the surgery and treatment and leave then anyway.
And if you even think for a second that you'll hurt yourself, call for help. Suicide will impact so many people that you can't even imagine, and losing you will hurt forever. It is truly the permanent end to a temporary problem, and I know you can get through this. Look at the number of people on here who have had permanent relationships end suddenly, financial problems including bankruptcy, and have come through-I know you can come through this too. Please make a schedule and eat regularly, and try to be kinder to yourself. The menopause alone can cause sleep problems, because of hot flashes, and waking you up a lot during the night. You need to take care of yourself, and take this a step at a time.
I second what everyone else has said about getting to a doctor -- and maybe a different psychiatrist. You need someone who will diagnose the depression and help you with it. Can I also suggest you start a good vitamin regimen, especially vitamins C, D, and B12? You're depleted, physically and mentally, and those will help give you more energy and help you see things more clearly.
You have a farm. Is there a way to take in boarders, or have a roommate? I know it's hard, but you need to take a deep breath, and then decide where you are going to go from here. Don't rely on your father, or the ex-boyfriend. Can you find a way to work from home? Can you call the IRS and work out some kind of payment plan? Or is there a trusted friend who can sit down with you one day and help you with all this?
Please hang in there. You've reached the bottom. The only place you can go is up.
I have ditched Dear Old Dad- he and his wife are staying with friends about an hour from me, and I explained that after having to listen to his thoughts and theories for the past couple of weeks, I just cannot take any more. I would rather be alone, with my animals, for Christmas, than sit with him. Just knowing what he is thinking, and not saying, is awful.
Up until the BF started with his new special someone, he was trying to be available, at least to talk. Unfortunately, my idea of talking, and his, aren't quite the same. I have humiliated myself by trying to put this back together. I truly believe that he started seeing her to put an end to my pleas- the last time I asked- he said that if it did not work, he could not expect her to wait- and he isn't going to **screw this up**. He does feel huge guilt for how I feel, and he knows the situation I am in. He simply has moved on.
A week ago Sunday night, after he told me that he would help me with the farm- only (we had gotten together for a bite to eat a couple of times since he left) I hit a wall. I opened a bottle of wine- and then another- and got more drunk that I can remember since, well, ever. A friend of mine texted me around 11PM, and I was just blotto by then, and I texted her back to take care of the horses and dogs for me. In my mind, I was not going to be in any shape to take care of them in the AM, but the couple of friends I do have here know how dark my thoughts have been. I write them on the 'puter, and I have sent out pieces, looking for feedback, and support.
In any event, when she got that text, she called me. By that time, I was laying on the floor, close to passing out- I did hear the phone, but I do not remember much after that. She called 911, the ambulance came, they picked me up, and they took me out to the hospital. The ER Dr. decided that I tried to harm myself, and, to make a long story short, I did 2 and a half days in the Psych ward. The reality that came from that experience is if you ARE going to do something to yourself, do it right, because that place is simply nasty, and their only purpose is to do mental triage, and get people back out. Other than that, it was interesting to see exactly how effed up people are. Including me.
I was told that I stopped breathing, and that they had trouble getting me to start again. I only remember being in a foggy state, hearing some things, but really just being at peace- no fear- no worries. Of course, waking up was different.
I deeply appreciate the COTH support. I just cannot bear the emptiness. He really was my world. I was such an independent sort when I met him. Now, I do not know where to turn in the world. Everything is so hard. The private shrink (not at the hospital) described me as very fragile- and that is how I feel- like I could shatter. In the past, I have been described by friends and business associates as "the strongest woman they know". Quite a fall to feel like this.
I do not believe that I am the be all and end all for anything. Life will percolate right along without me. I am not eager to be gone- I am desperate to not hurt. I also feel that we do have choices- all of us. You might not like someone's choices, but they own them.
Others can't fill your emptiness; their presence can trick you into thinking its filled. Let him go. He's harbored the illusion for you far too long.
Solitude is the richness of ones self, loneliness is the poverty of ones self.
You're mourning the illusion of who you thought you were. Be still, honest, breathe, and discover who you really are.
It's hard to get a fresh start when you're still mired in the past... I say delegate-hire that attorney and let her/him handle that paperwork mess, life is not about freaking papers and taxes. It's going to be there but it's not LIFE. It will settle eventually. Change your contact information and only give it out to people that you want to talk to. Amazing how helpful that can be. Get some professional help to sort out your head, just go sit in a church now and then for the peace and quiet and support (I'm not remotely religious but I love to go to church). Don't let your days get consumed with the past, limit the time you fuss about things then turn on the tv, the computer, a book, make your mind stop thinking about it all. That wound needs to be left alone sometimes in order to heal. So there you hired someone to worry about your finances, someone to worry about your state of mind, and your animals will take care of the rest. Sit on the floor with the dogs, sleep in the stall with the horses, do a snow angel and just lie there and hold still and realize that all you need to start is you and you have a huge empty slate of opportunity in front of you. I know someone that was in similar shoes and when she got to the point you're at she took job as a lowly housekeeper on a dude ranch and ended up marrying the ranch owner. She remembers deciding forcing herself to do something different-she lived in New Hampshire and lives to this day in Montana. Think of what you can do if you have no ties-it's freedom, baby!
You didn't die TWICE already-you're still tough, always were.
I was pretty much where you are 15 years ago when my marriage ended (although I was luckier than you in not having financial problems). As others have said, this is a two-way street, he bears his share of the responsibility, stop blaming yourself. You got very unlucky with your health problems, made a few mistakes (don't we all? no one is perfect!) and then things spiralled out of control. He should have been more supportive. I bet that, when you get some distance from this, you will see that he is not all that you thought he was and you will be glad to be free of him.
Find some help--talk therapy and an anti-depressant, which will help you get through the next few months. Things will get better. You will find yourself again and other satisfying relationships.
friend of bar.ka
Andy, OTTB mare, 1984-2011. I miss you already, girl!
I don't want to say what it is, but OP, you said something in your original post that helped ME, so thank you.
You may not care about yourself right now, but other people do. Other people have come back from the darkest and most hopeless of times and found happiness. I believe you can too. Not a day at a time. A moment.